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Original poster

Don't know what to do for the best - DS struggling with friendships at school

94 replies

JackiePaper · 04/05/2011 22:29

my lovely ds is nearly 7 and goes to the local village primary school - there are 25 kids in his year, of which 10 are boys. DS is a very bright child who loves cars, trains and lego but unfortunately for him there are no other boys on his wavelength. All the other 9 boys play together in a big gang and play football every playtime, ds doesn't really like football and is not brilliant at physical stuff. He has tried to join in with them but they either make up a reason why he can't play, or they let him play but never kick the ball to him, so he has given up trying to play with them. There is one boy who appears to be 'ring leader' of them and last term ds had problems with this boy pushing hitting and calling him names. I spoke to the school several times and wrote to the governers and this seems to have stopped for now thank goodness.
He almost always plays with 2 or 3 girls who are similar ability to him and sit on the same table in class, and he has been round to their houses a couple of times and they have been here. They are lovely girls but I get the impression they let him join in with them because they are nice kind girls, and ds has no other options. for example he told me today they were playing mermaids so he was a dolphin - but it's not a game he would choose to play iykwim - when he's with his cousins he plays spies, police, space explorers etc.
My dilemma is that I don't know whether to move him to a bigger school about 10 miles away (which would involve moving house - we rent so not a huge deal) that's closer to where dh and I work and has 60 children per year where there is more chance of him finding some boys who have the same interests as he does? The main problem is that I have a dd who is due to start reception in september and the potential new school is full so she is on the waiting list.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I feel so sad for him that he doesn't have any friends who are really on his wavelength, but what if i move him to a new school and he doesn't make friends there? At least where he is at the moment he does have someone to play with most of the time, although there have been occasions when they girls wouldn't let him play either - I suspect this is because they are getting older - the two girls he plays with will be 8 in september. He doesn't hate school anymore since the teasing stopped, but he doesn't love it either, and I feel so sad when he tells me no-one would play with him at playtime :(

Sorry for the huge post and thanks for any advice x

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Oblomov · 05/05/2011 12:37

What a shame. Ds has 2 classes of 30 in his Yr2. And lots of the boys like football. ds too. But they also like lego, star wars, all sorts of fab games, chase etc, they tell me about.

Oblomov · 05/05/2011 12:40

our school has a freindship week, where once a term, they are matched with someone new and have to play with them, for the week.
Maybe suggest this to school.
Invite boys over for dinner. Makes SUCH a difference.

Octavia09 · 05/05/2011 12:44

JackiePaper, I see that teachers could have helped him but do not want to or may be do not know how (is EIP suitable for this?). I think you could ask the HD if possible to give you names of the kids with similar to your DS' interests. May be they know which after school clubs they go to. I do not know whether it would be possible to obtain such information but sure they could do it. Then if there are clubs your DS could join in. A good way of getting new friends. I think you should meet up with the HD and discuss it. May be they do not see the problem. I know that many pupils attend after school clubs. The HD should see that there is a reason for a concern. This is their job to help (sorry teachers).
May be there are groups of particular interest at school.

SherlockMoans · 05/05/2011 12:46

I think the main problem here is that the school is being unsupportive - have you only spoken to his teacher or have you spoken to the head too? If you get no joy there then I guess, if the other school looks right when you see it, then moving may be the best way to go.

I do know how hard this is - I went home and cried one day when I saw DS2 just standing against a wall in the playground while everyone else ran about shouting. Questioning him later though he had not perceived it as a problem - so I decided to chill a bit and deal with it WHEN he became unhappy about it, rather than ME making him see it a problem.

Original poster
JackiePaper · 05/05/2011 12:55

Thanks for the repies, yes the school are pretty unsupportive, I have spoken to the head, but she shrugged off my concerns and said they don't have the time to run organised games or clubs at lunchtime, and they can't stop the boys all gravitating towards this one rough and tumble type boy who always seems to control the play.
From talking to the other mums, it seems all the boys go to football and karate out of school. DS has no desire to do either of these things and anyway we couldn't afford the karate as it's a fortune. Ds goes to beavers and gymnastics, but sadly none of the boys in his class go to these things.

I have previously had some of the boys over for tea but the invitations have never been reciprocated, I would feel even worse for ds if he asked someone over for tea and they said they didn't want to come, but maybe I need to try again.

OP posts:
goldenticket · 05/05/2011 13:27

Do most of these boys have older brothers? Just wondering whether the Xbox stuff is coming from them - seems unusual for oldest children to have Xboxes and be playing COD in Y2.

GooseyLoosey · 05/05/2011 13:35

My invitations are seldom reciprocated either. I grit my teeth and carry on inviting their children around - they almost always come. You have to not let it get to you.

If your son has been bullied (as mine was), then the school must be involved. If they don't have time for that, what in God's name do they have time for. I wrote to them on several occassions setting out the problems being caused for ds by his social isolation and the mob mentality which had arisen in the class.

One thing that the head did was to meet with all the boys once a week for several months and talk to them about how the group dynamic in the class was working. It turned out that quite a few of the boys felt overwhelmed by the same boy that was causing ds problems. They talked together about how to make everyone in the class feel better. It really helped.

Oblomov · 05/05/2011 14:03

I don't get alot of recriprocations ( such a word? 'is now') either. 3 mums, 1st has 4 children, including baby, other has 3 boys, even my closest freind has 2 boys, and all 3 of them always so, 'so sorry, really must get round to having your ds over'. Thus I TRY not to take it personally. And like Goosey, keep on going.I have them round and then take both boys to beavers, works best for me.
Don't take it personally, because often it isn't. even though it feels it. >

TooMuchCaffeine · 05/05/2011 14:14

But don't you all feel that to reciprocate an invitation sends out a good message to their children too. I think it is rude, and there must be things even if the other person has lots of other kids, that can be done, such as bowling, or a picnic, or sitting out in the garden eating pizza. Talk about excuses... it isn't personal usually, but it is rude, and lazy and points to why their children have such poor social skills in the first place.

Octavia09 · 05/05/2011 14:15

Oblomov when do you actually have time for visiting other kids or inviting them to your place? Is it happening after the lessons or at weekends? My DS comes home, eats, plays with computer, TV, a bit of homework and time to bed. At weekends we are busy with our own things. I think many families want to have weekends for themselves. DS has a few friends at school but he has never been invited by them and we have never invited them either. At the moment it is fine. He is not worried about it. He is in RY, probably just age.

Original poster
JackiePaper · 05/05/2011 14:51

some of the boys do have older brothers but some don't. I will ask ds if there are any of the boys he would like to come over for tea and go from there i suppose. I will have to have another word with the school again won't i, it just seems so pointless, because nothing ever happens, and they think ds is absolutely fine.

Lady from the bigger school called, earliest they can show me round is in two weeks time, so in the mean time will try inviting some more kids back.

OP posts:
StillSquiffy · 05/05/2011 15:20

I reckon these things could work:

  1. Get your DH to encourage him to be a West Brom fan (or whatever it is). Teach him how to play in goal.
  2. Let him have an X-box or DS and have him invite kids over for DS-dates (in our school almost every mum has banned DS playing except at weekends, so kids love mid-week playdates where they can indulge). Pokemon, Raving Rabbits. Spore and so on aren't 15-rated, are popular with kids, and won't rot his brain.
  3. Get him involved in something cool at the weekends. Sailing, camping, or go-kart racing or something, so he does something different that will impress the other boys
  4. Confide your concerns in one or two mums and ask if they would mind having him over for playdates and give you their opinions on whether he struggles to socialise or if it's just a stage. That way you are in a roundabout way trying to get them to encourage friendships but you are doing it in a non-pressurised way.

I'd exhaust all of the above before considering moving school.

smallwhitecat · 05/05/2011 15:31

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Original poster
JackiePaper · 05/05/2011 15:55

smallwhitecat Grin he already is! came home from school just now with a girl called Fran's phone number who I've not heard him mention before. Apparently she wants to come and play and I'm to ring her mum! (which of course I will!)

Squiffy - thanks, some really helpful ideas there. Chances of DH getting him to support West Brom are slim to none, DH is a massive Spurs fan (he's a londoner) and so ds is convinced they are the best team (bless!)
He does have a DS, but hardly ever plays on it as he gets very cross and frustrated with it, he hardly ever chooses to play on it. Go Kart racing is an idea maybe, I have looked for clubs and things for him to do but it seems to be sport or nothing for boys round here, but I hadn't thought of Go Kart racing - he has a scalextrix and loves that so that may be a good idea, thanks :)

Given the choice he loves nothing more than wandering round model railway exhibitions and playing on steam engines with his grandad at the weekend, but that's not going to make him 'cool'. But then again I don't think he cares about being 'cool'!

There are two mums I could ask so I will pluck up the courage and ask them I think. I did ask one of the mums for advice when ds was being bullied and he did play with her ds and one or two other boys for about a week, but then the other boy soon drifted back to fotball. Will try again though.

OP posts:
Oblomov · 05/05/2011 16:13

Sympathy for the spurs fan here. Dh is huge. And i like football too. both ds's like football. they have no choice but to support spurs !
I try to have children round to play after school atleast once a month. sometimes every other week, or third week, at the very least. having a kid over to tea is no hassle to me. I like it. our school is big on 'playdates'. I work, and dh doesn't like having anyone round on a friday, because that is the start of our 'weekend', so mondays are best for me. I often invite a freind round and then take them both to beavers, as I said. This works for me.

Original poster
JackiePaper · 05/05/2011 18:56

Well, I've just been to view a house to let in the catchment of the bigger school - estate agent rang me last minute. Anyway, house was awful but the people there currently had a dd in yr2 and said the school is fantastic, behaviour of the kids is exemplary, it was only built 3 years ago so has fantastic facilities and they have loads of clubs and activities, film club, book club etc. It sounds great, so am feeling positive about going to see the deputy head in a couple of weeks time.

Just wish there was a place for dd....

OP posts:
carocaro · 05/05/2011 18:59

Please don't write off the other boys as rough & tumble & sporty as if it's a bad thing, you really do need to dig a little deeper and work a little harder and getting to know the other boys/mums. DS1 loves football, no idea how good or bad he is, but does that even matter at this age? It's a kickabout at lunchtime not the FA Cup Finall you don't have to be Pele!

He has to adapt a little bit too, give and take, maybe be a goalie or cheer from the sidelines. It cannot be as black and white as you are making out, kids are more complex. Many boys of DS's age like football and Lego and steam trains ! One does not cancel out the other. It's not a 'cool' issue in anyway shape or form. And Nintendo DS are tricky, take time to get used to them and you have to practice. Maybe he gives up too easily? How about music lessons, DS tried piano on a 12 week taster session, but we could not continue at present due to cost.

And it does annoy me the perception that if boys like football they are rough ringleaders with little regard for anyone else and it's simply not true.

Get some boys and their mum's round!

Original poster
JackiePaper · 05/05/2011 19:12

Oh I really didn't mean to imply that every boy who likes football is rough, really I didn't. That's not the case at all, it's just in ds's class all the boys play football every playtime and he doesn't like it. He has tried to join in but they won't kick the ball to him, he has asked to be goalie but they won't let him. I'm not trying to say that boys that play football are rough or bad, for goodness sake most of the boys in any given school do like football. My problem is that they all like football apart from ds, and they won't let him join in. He even went to after school football club and they still wouldn't kick the ball to him.

It also seems to be one very rough playing child who decides who can and cannot play - the same child who has bullied ds. He understandably does not want to play with this child.

OP posts:
TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 19:17

From your last post this seems to be a case of bullying. Exclusion is bullying.

If I were you I would write to the governors! If you have not already spoken to the head.

I think "scarily* makes a very good point when she says that by moving him you COULD be putting him in a situation where there is proportionally a better chance at making a friend...or you could be putting him into an even scarier situation...where everything is new and bigger.

Large playgrounds can be tough.

Original poster
JackiePaper · 05/05/2011 19:22

I have spoken to the head, I have written to the governers. The best they did was a few assemblies on not leaving people out. The name calling has stopped but the not letting him play hasn't, but he has now totally given up trying to play with them, and just plays with the girls instead. I can't say I blame him, if you are perpetually rejected and not allowed to play then you give up trying don't you.

Not all the boys were/are horrid to him, there are some lovely nice boys but the football game is always 'controlled' by the kid that did the bullying. This kid decides who can and who cannot play, and invariably ds can't. The school didn't see this as a problem and said they couldn't help this kid being popular.

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Original poster
JackiePaper · 05/05/2011 19:24

also meant to say - potential new school has 60 per year as opposed to 25 where he is currently, but it's only 80 kids bigger than his current school cos his current school is a primary 4 -11, potential new school is a first school so 4 - 9 - more kids per year, but less year groups.

OP posts:
TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 19:48

Hmm.

From what you say about the new school it seems like an option but there's not getting away from the fact there's no place for DD.

WHat about this....thinking of something, some game or fad which DS could begin....something he can be in charge of....maybe you could MAKE the teacher allow him to take some marbles in (if they're not allowed) or cricket?

What about teaching him another ball game? SOmething like British Bulldogs?

And getting him really good at it? Why not help him bring this bullying kid down?

bring him down!

[gets worryingly violent on behalf of OPs DS]

Original poster
JackiePaper · 05/05/2011 20:37

Theveryangrymummipillar - that's a good idea - do you know of any games i could teach him or any good books with games in? I just used to play skipping at school! They're not allowed to take toys in really, not sure what the latest craze is? gogos? or are they old news now? anyone know? I know bakugans were all the rage before cristmas - i offered to get ds some but he said no mum, they're rubbish {sigh}

OP posts:
TheVeryAngryMumapillar · 05/05/2011 20:51

Well British Bulldog is great...most kids adore it...you could ask the school t invest in some hoops and ropes...our school has some along with beanbags etc...the parents association raised money for them and a climbing frame...what about invlving DS in raising money for some play equipment?

And the PTA? That's a seperate idea to the different games...here's a site which promotes traditional games in playgrounds

www.playgroundfun.org.uk/

Is there any equipment at all in the yard?

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