Ok local school or perfect school that's a drive away - wwyd?

[moginthedark]

I don't know what to do. DD will start school in September, and we've narrowed the choice of schools down to two and now I can't decide what's the most important.

One is just perfect for DD in every way (I won't bore you with the details, but it really is, and gets an OFSTED outsanding for pastoral care). But it's a 15+ minute drive from us (in a town) in a different village. Almost all of the children there will live in the village.

The other one is within walking distance, and does also have a lovely atmosphere and a reasonable local reputation. But it's by now means so right for her. Except that I do think it's really important to walk to school, for us to be part of the school community, for her to be able to have friends round. Whereas if we go to the village school she could easily end up a bit left out.

Has anyone else faced this choice? If so, how did it work out for you?

(And we can't afford to go and live in the village, houses there are twice as expensive as in the town...)

I think Mog that it is horses for courses...some people just don't see an extra drive as much of an isssue when it comes to trying to get the best option for schools..others see it as a total PITA and would be confused as to why people might shop around.

It's to do with general life philosophy imo. Some people are total non worriers about their DC whilst others try their best to manage certain aspects in order to cut out the trouble before it arrives. I'm one of the manager/worrier/organiser types and by the sound of it so are you.

Your main concerns seem to be centred around friends for DD...but you can bet your bottom dollar that even if you choose a local school there may still be friend issues which you might worry about.

In my opinon school is primarily for education...I cannot even remember half the kids in my primary class...nor am I mates with any of them as an adult. Lost touch as soon as high school began.

For me, it's High school which really matters socially an educationally...you need to ensure you can either pay for it (in which case lots of he kids wil be new and not know one another) or make sure you're going to get her into a good one with the majority of her primary classmates...this had coloured my choice a lot.

That's a good point wrt secondary actually - where would she go?

Someone further down the thread mentioned the idea of feeder schools - this is somewhat misleading tho, as going to a particualr primary will not in itself give you a place at secondary, even if it is the one where all yr child's classmates will go.

It's all to do with where you live, aside from issues to do with SEN and looked after children of course.

Not sure how it works with middle schools - do they move at age 9 and then at age 12??

OP stop weighing up the pros and cons stop asking yourself what will happen if and stop wondering about secondary schools and just answer this ..

deep inside you what does your gut say what school should she go to?

THAT is the one to send her to

Well you really need to consider secondary...if you are planning to stay in your current home with no question then it makes sense to send DD to the primary down the road...otherwise she will spend her primary/middle years with kids who are all going to go off to another high school which he may not get into because of catchment.

Then she will end up with the kids from the local primary school anyway! And they will all know one another whereas she will be the newbie. Hard at age 11.

We can move...so we are. We rent...it's no biggie to move a few miles down the road to what is actually a nicer village...but in your case you need to check the secondary school feeders...catchments and consider private school or grammars too?

A few things to consider.

Children change a lot between 4 and 6 - a quiet reserved 4 year old is likely to be a whirlwind party animal at 6.

Small classes are not necessarily an unalloyed good thing.

You are not committing yourself to a single hour's drive a day - you have to consider going back to school for special assemblies, to deliver the forgotten lunch box, your PTA meeting, to help with reading - countless other reasons.

You will ahve to manage her out of school social life - no causal "popping round to X's house for half an hour.

She will never be able to walk to school.

You will have to do thay drive come what may - if you are ill, pregnant, with a tiny baby, in bad weather - come what may - you'll never be able to ring a friend and say "Could you take dd to school today - I've got flu?

You will have to do the driving whenever she wants to see her friends in the holidays - and you will have to - she didn't choose this arrangement, you did, so you qare committing yourself to be a taxi service for the foreseeable future.

If one school was a hotbed of knife crime and the other the Chalet School, then just mabe. But you say they are both good - so go for the nearer. Honestly. I am a lot of years down ths line now, and ~ I know whereof I speak.

With regards to the comments about not being able to "walk to school".

We have done exactly what you are thinking of doing and take the dc to a village school 4 miles away (10-15 min drive in the morning, 20-30 mins away in the afternoon/evening).

It is not possible to park that close to the school so we park a couple of streets away and the dc hop out of the car, catch sight of some child or another making their way to school, yell out their name and charge off to walk/run to school with them. Just leave enough time and park further away so that they can do this.

The dc didn't know ayone when they started but this has not been a problem although there are almost 30 in each year group (I agree with seeker that small classes are not necessarily a good thing as far as friendships is concerned). If you are prepared to drive to school factor in being prepared to drive for "playdate" get togethers and have kids back to yours for tea etc after school, offering to drop them back home later and friendships shouldn't be a problem. If you have a Wii, your dc may be able to "get together" over wifi internet to "play Wii games together" for an hour or so on long wet weekends.

The dc didn't know anyone when they started and this has not been a problem but I have networked a bit with other parents rather than dropping and running in the mornings. Our school is a combined infants/junior school site so the dc will remain there for 7 years in total.

I would recommend doing several test-runs, driving the route at exactly the time you will need to when your child starts school, to ensure that you appreciate the traffic density at that time of day, although I suppose timing is only crucial if you are going to be working during the day.

A quiet reserved 4 year old is likely to be a party animal at 6! That is a crazy sweeping statement seeker

I know and have known alot of young children and those that have a quiet and gentle nature early on in life tend to stay that way ime... maybe the OP and her DH are quiet, reserved, laid back etc and this is where the little girl gets it from?

You can't live your life with the what if this happens, what if I was ill, what if I forget her lunch etc... I am sure if you have to drive your dc to school you just have to be a little more organised and structured so you are not running back and forth.

Regarding playdates, having friends to tea whatever, surely it is just the same if she was at the local school? Op picks dd and friend up from school, takes them home, they play, have tea, then OP takes the child home.

At the end of the day the school is the important issue in all of this.

Maybe not a party animal at 6, but quite likely at nine...

I find the suggestion that they might be able to do a Wii game at the weekends really sad. And I do remember, at school, everyone else going off to play 'up the rec' after school, dropping in to see each other, getting together at the weekends...and I had none of that. Believe me, even at a few streets' remove my daughters aren't quite as embroiled in the after-school life as they might be. But they do the casual after-school stuff, the spontaneous weekend meetup and the emergency 'can you have X because I have an emergency' hosting of friends (one of their friends was here most of yesterday because her dad had a funeral). It's nice. It's important. Yes, school is 'for education' - but that education, especially at infant level, isn't just the academic stuff.

I was so lonely at that age.

Yes, a crystal ball would be v handy now, to see what DD would be like at 7. Although as she is the child of two slightly nerdy working from home freelancers, and her current ambition is to be a librarian I am guessing that wild party animal may be a long shot.

But I'm interested that everyone is much more concerned about the friendships than whether or not DD would be bored/underachieving at school. One of the things I feel about my schooling is that I spent a lot of time bored and didn't achieve as much as I could have done (even if only reading more literature), but this is probably more of a problem from 9+. But there is a big difference in the schools in this respect.

Whereas I don't bear a grudge at all about having not lived near friends - and indeed had never even thought about it until this thread.

I have to say that I was imagining the playdate being as ilovetulips describes. I'm going to have to work a bit harder to do that - make the effort at the school gate and so on - but I would be prepared to do it. They won't be going up the rec on their own yet, perhaps in the very last year of this school, but not before that, the parents will be organising most of it.

And if that sounds like I've half decided, I will just say again that we are much less likely to get into the local school than the village one, so I have to get my head round it anyway, as it's our most likely result.

What happens after the first school doesn't affect our school choice - although it is a big issue for later on. All the schools we are considering feed into the same middle school. Unless that pulls its socks up in the next few years, we will probably be moving to a totally different area to get better schooling. But that's for worrying about a few more years down the line.

Thanks again for all of the thoughts and advice

i dont understand why anyone would not choose the school that is right for their child. walking to school is very admirble etc but so much confidence can be biult in those early years, if the pastoral care is so right and the shcool that is a drive away (and you have the means to make that drive each day) then i do totally think it would be strange to choose any other school than the one that is best for your child.

I think you're being very wise in taking all the talk of "what about the friendships!" with a pinch of salt.

My DD is in year 2 of a small private prep and none of her friends live near us...in fact none of them live near one anther at all!

So my DD has never walked to school with anyone..though we do walk to school as we live close...all her friends are driven...my DD has never done the impromtu "can so and so come and play now?" on the way home....but she's well rounded...happy...has playdates and party invites.

Playdates, playing out and walking to school are the last things to consider when choosing a school..they really are.

Funnily enough Mog, I am a nerdy work from home parent too! Kind of wish I knew a few more of us!

No school is "perfect"

blimey what a depressing thread. and for a primary school

If she is an only child I do think it is even more important to live near friends tho. And at 4-9 I also think that the social side of school is as important as the academic. I know this view is not held by all.

why is a child more likely to have play dates if they all live v v near? my dd1 hasnt enough days in the week for all the play dates she would like ton have and is invited to and we drive to school. it seems odd that people think social aspects only come to play when you walk to school.

But she is going to have friends.... in school. The OP will make friends with the new mums and from there they can arrange playing, going to the park after school ( obv OP will have to drive ten mins to home ) etc... it's not like anybody lets their children playout on their own under the age of 10 is it....... or is it?

That's my thinking nowwearfour and Tulips...I think it's a very specific demographic where the kids are allowed out alone fter school and to knock on one anothers doors to play.

They don't here in our area...the only kids who are out alone on their bikes etc seem to be 11 year old lads and little knots of girls of a similar age...they have a game of footie in the field...or wander up to the shops togeher.

The little ones...under ten...are all taken to Brownies, or delivered to friends houses for tea etc. NOne of them run up to the park alone either.

We live in a residnetial area outside a small city...low crime rate...older houses...gets rural if you go three miles down the street basically.

Why is this thread depresing Southeastastra? I can't see that at all?

Isn;'t it odd tha I have actually been doing this for years now, and am speaking from my own personal experience - but some people are still telling me that I am wrong!

Lol Seeker...I wonder if some people feel that another person doing something differnt is a kind of criticsim of their own choices? Or if not quite that then it makes them question things more than they like to.

Er...I work from home and am, incidentally, really quite well-educated and aware of academic priorities. And no, I am not finding other people's opinions are laying me open to an uncomfortable level of self-scrutiny and self-reproach, thanks frightfully for the suggestion. I just don't agree.

And wrt the 'special demographic'...er, it's a not particularly remarkable bit of south-east London. I think in addition that probably quite a number are picking up the phone, at age nine or so, to suggest coming over on Sunday afternoon.

I didn't say what I said with the intention of picking out a particular poters comments or situation motherinferior...merely made an observation based on my own understnading.

It was not a veiled attack.

plus I said "specific" demographic...not "special" and I would stand by that comment too.

Wimpole - I think that there is some truth in what you say about people wanting to justify their own choices. TBH it's one of the reasons I started a thread here, because if I ask locally, all I get are people who are keen to justify the choices they made, not least the friend who keeps trying to persuade me (atheist) to send DD to the Catholic primary.

I have completely taken on board what everyone has said about small classes though, and if we find that it is insanely small in her year, we will may try and swap before the start of term (there is a kind of clearing which goes on round us, with lots of swapsies and places going free).

And we do already have local friends. DD is a November child, and has seen her friends a few months older go to three different schools this year, but we have kept in contact with several of them. And I would keep her one afternoon at her current childminders too, in order to make sure that this continued.

But increasingly, I am wondering whether this is in fact a debate between introverts (me, for example, much more bothered about the inside of my head than living near tons of friends and so not bothered as a child) and extroverts for whom the friendship issue matters much, much more. Which means that both sides are right, for themselves.

I am fairly shy and for that very reason value the easier friendships that come from the school being nearby. Play dates etc. don't have to be so 'booked', informal meet-ups at the park happen naturally because we walk home, they don't have to be arranged. Although if there's a park near the school it can still work out if you drive. You can dump bags in the car and go to the park for a while.

The class size issue would bother me more than distance, although I agree you never expect before they start school just how many extra journeys end up being needed!

Also as it's only for infants you're less likely to make lasting friendships anyway, so a bit of hard work making sure there are plenty of playdate opportunities will probably do. Just by being stuck with that infant school situation and having to move later you've already lost some of the best benefits of using your truly local school, so you've not got much more to lose by going for the village school.

As for people saying they can't understand why someone wouldn't send their child to the school that was best for them - the point is distance can make an otherwise perfect seeming school NOT perfect. Distance really should be considered carefully - I walk and still find myself begrudging the sheer number of journeys to and from school I have to make!

You need to take into account your whole family life and not just the hours your child is at school.

Though, as I said, if you're not really planning to be part of a particular local community long-term anyway (if you know you're going to move for junior school), then some of the benefits to your dd of staying local and being surrounded by schoolmates near her home would be wasted anyway.

You've a lot less to lose than some by going to the village school and missing out on the non-academic benefits of staying with your local school.