pushy parent?

[crepe]

This is a term often banded about. I wonder of any teachers or parents can define what it means. Enlighten me please.

On the forums a parent is classed as pushy because they are interested in their child's education and ask questions about levels, abilities, knowledge and generally care Usually they want to help their kids at home as well and want the best for their kids!

A lot of parents may mention their kids grades because they dont realise that not all kids are the same and dont have anyone to compare with and the internet is more anonymous and a place to ask questions but you will still get labelled.

Also, it is a parent who wants to talk to the teacher all the time, asking questions about how their kids are doing

From my perspective it isnt about going to the school so much as being pushy to other parents

We have 1 mum who drills her child every night after school so she is 'the best'

And last week I witnessed for the first time someone grabbing a book bag to see what levels another child was one THAT to me is pushy parenting!!

"We have 1 mum who drills her child every night after school so she is 'the best'"

How very sad - poor kid!!

From my perspective, a pushy parent is one who pushes the child excessively - ie doesn't just encourage while allowing child to learn at own pace and explore own interests, but pushes regardless of the child's interest and pace, in the hope that said child will somehow become a genius in the process.

Also someone who obsesses about levels and comparisons with other kids, because they live vicariously through their children and feel better than all the other mums if their child comes out on top.

The label seems to denote a parents desire for their child to be the most advanced among their peers as opposed to a desire for their child to be achieving their potential irregardless of what the cohort is upto.

Good definition boolifooli! Much more succinct than mine!

Basically, it's not nice and you should stop it now because you're making the rest of us feel inferior

Not at all Magic, I x posted with you and said the same except used the magic word 'cohort' which made it look vaguely intelligent :)

Oooh check Booli and her cohorts

Yes magicmummy awful isnt it? Trouble is poor child now belives she IS better than the other kids

ah, well a pushy parent would be drilling their 5yo to learn the word 'cohort' :o

good definition though, IMO pushy implies they want the achievement for themselves, not for the child.

I would call someone pushy (in my head, not to their face or to other people!) if they try to push their child beyond his or her ability and interest. Fair enough, be interested and encouraging, but constantly bothering the teacher about levels and extra work and wanting to know what topics they are doing at school so you can stuff your child full of information about pollution or the 1900s or the human digestive system, even though they just want to play with lego and read about dinosaurs, is not actually going to make your idiot son more intelligent, it's definitely not going to make him happier. (longest sentence ever)

ds is only 6, and already some of the mums I talk to at school are complaining that their kids don't get enough homework, they don't know what maths level they are at etc. I find it a bit weird actually.

So if you are already successful yourself and you want your child to do well is that pushy?

IMO pushy parenting is when you force a child to learn or take part in things they don't enjoy and are unlikely to be good at.

This is different from nurturing parenting where you provide encouragement for them to continue and pursue things they enjoy and are good at.

"Pushy parents" are always someone else.

So true, animula. One person's pushy parent is another's involved parent. Here, it seems that a pushy parent is any parent who is more involved that the particular poster is.

Surely encouraging your child to persevere with things they are not good at is a good thing? I am certainly happy that, as a very bookish child, I was pushed/encouraged to do lots of things I did not particularly like but were good for me long-term: swimming, ballet, playing outside, art... Later on I wanted to change school systems to give up the subjects I was not so good at ( maths). Was told "no way, it's good for you". Now I agree: good for a child (well, teenager, i was 17) who is good at many things without too much effort to have to work to be good at something (good for discipline and a more grounded and less inflated sense of self), good long-term ( opened up many more options, incl current v specialised and rewarding job) ... Think I would do the same as parents did.
Never had any drilling or parents always talking to teachers- quite the opposite- teachers annoyed parents did not seek more time with them (non-British schoolsystem, teachers have an hour a week dedicated to receiving parents, some go once a month, mine twice a year).

I notice a lot of fear on here....fear of appearing too interested in your DC'S and fear of asking questions at school....it seems bizarre!

I might be thought of as pushy...I ask my DD's teacher pertinent questions now and then...and how I can help her to improve. The teacher never seems anything less than pleased to help.

I am also interested in her levels...and I encourage her to do her homework to the best of her ability...is that "drilling" her to be the best? I don't think so. I think that if a parent has time and energy to push their child to succeed then it seems to rile other parents....if you're happy with your DC's then why worry what othrs do?

Fine line between being interested and concerned and being pushy.

Pushy is the one who makes the child do something beyond their abilities, or outside of their interests, just to make themselves look good.

As a rule of thumb, the PP is the one in the playground who is always asking other parents what marks their kids get.

Not quite sure how exactly you'd determine that a person is asking the child to do something just to make the parent look good.

Animula and Sofaqueen I agree with you and it speaks a lot to the insecurities we have as parents.

I would consider myself to be interested and supportive. To be "pushy" my kids would be doing stuff that they really didnt want to do.

I like boolofooli's definition. I would add as examples, parents who encourage their children to spend an inordinate amount of time and energy to an activity in the interests of competition. Eg. ballet for six hours a day before the child is ready to make that decision for themselves.

And what if my DD doesn't want to do something which I know will give her confidence or improve her life in some way? Should I just let her choose so that I don't look "Pushy"?

I was just thinking about this very issue as I pushed my pram along to toddlers this morning...
I decided that parents often want to keep their child's innocence (I'm all in favour)but end up actively campaigning to keep them ignorant - something very different.
Witness the absolute no no of admitting on this forum that you taught your child to read pre-school - even if sometimes the child wasn't showing an interest (shock horror...)
Actually I didn't do this myself although I might with ds if I have the time, but I did ensure my school age dds had had plenty of reading practice, whatever their inclination, and now have two dds who are able to revel in stories they can read to themselves. Dd1 also really struggled with maths in yr1. She is now year3 and I Just came home from a parents eve last night being told she is now excellent and know she is very enthusiastic. Because I was 'pushy' and gave her regular help at home she can now enjoy all the self esteem that comes from genuinely being able do her maths work at school.
Not everyone has to have the same priorities for their children and I want my children to enjoy their childhoods but the way people often talk on this forum you would think they thought learning was harmful to children rather than a wonderful empowering gift.

I'm wary of the negatives of self-worth being too closely dependant on academic performance. What happens when you genuinely suck at something? There's also the risk that they way you assess your own worth being the way you value others i.e. I'm in the top set so have reason to be pleased with myself, he's in the bottom and struggles and therefore has less reason to be pleased with himself etc. Not sure if I've explained myself but just have an aversion to it. I do want my children to enjoy learning but I tend to not make an issue of it.

I absolutely agree boolifooli.

Of course you are right Boolifooli. Its nice to think your children are doing well at things but it would be horrible for them if they thought their worth was judged in that way.
On the other hand its unavoidably demoralising being in a class where you can see others are all better than you and why put my child through that if I can help her? Even at the risk of being labeled 'pushy'.