pushy parent?

[crepe]

This is a term often banded about. I wonder of any teachers or parents can define what it means. Enlighten me please.

no one could argue with the value of that, as I say there can be a flipside to a child garnering esteem from class position etc. But of course there are many degrees to it. It's not a case of opting for either neglect or pushiness. Naturally I do want my child to achieve her best, but am aware of the potential for long term, negative connotations of instilling too much of a 'you have to be really good at stuff' ethos type thing. But I think we can all agree that the other option is much less favourable!

Thank you everyone. Do pushy parents at your schools interfere in their dc's friendships in order to engineer social cliques ie. strategic playdates and rumour mongering about rival kids/families and does this really work or do all the dc's do their own thing once the parents have dropped off? How low will pushy parents go and how good are teachers at spotting them?

I'll give you some examples of parents I considered "pushy" so you get the idea of what might be a touch over the top:

• The one who cross-referenced her two children's reading books by month and book band to find out one was a slightly lower level than the other (one very timid child lacking confidence, and a very capable, calm older brother).
• The family who had a night each week dedicated to story writing, one to poetry writing and so on. The parents had managed to reduce their child to a tearful wreck about how she HAD to be top of the class in year 2 SATs... by the second week in September
• The same family who were caught cheating at the family quiz night with a mobile phone texting a family member sat at home armed with Google and the encyclopedias.
• From my own mother - fines for getting below a B in my GCSEs... I'd also add taking a spiral bound reporters notebook to Parents Evenings and making shorthand transcriptions of every single word that was said - followed by a 2 hour debrief/bollocking session between me and her on her return home from school.

empty!

good god. I am stunned and i thought i had more or less seen it all.

My dc used to go and play with someone who's mother used to grill him (and every other child that played) about his school work and once asked if i was pregnant and this mum was a teacher.

Oh the other one I remember from my childhood:

Me: Mum I got 95% on my maths test
Mum: What did X (quite a quiet swotty friend of mine - the complete antithesis of me) get?
Me: 87%
Mum: What was the highest mark? What was the lowest mark? How many people got higher than you?
(Teenage me makes mental note to just pretend we didn't have maths tests in the future)

Can laugh about it now (and I do give my mum a load of shit for it in a good natured way)- she lightened up for my brother and I know she just wanted me to have the chances she never got as a child!

Believe me - nothing surprises me anymore though. We did have a very quiet staffroom award for "best parental homework the child's had no input into whatsoever" at one point - which one family won consistently!

Have also had schools where we've had the shocking accusations of one family cheating at the mums and dads welly wanging section of sports day! That one got quite heated.

Oh the other one that I remembered after I wrote the original post - a parent who snuk into the classroom before school in order to compare the reading book her child was on against every other child in the class - which involved her going through every single book bag (the kids came in and left their bags in class before going out on the yard). That one led to an inter-parental feud requiring the mums in question to be physically separated from lamping each other outside the school gates at one point.

gulp....

The stories coming out are priceless. Going back to the issue of parents doing the work. I was admiring a paper doll that a child had bought in. 'it's lovely, I gushed to the Mum, 'you can really see how much thought she put into and it's great that you just let her do it herself instead of taking over like some of the other dolls that have clearly been done by mum'. 'I did do it' was the Mum's mumbled reply. Red faces all round!

ha!

love these types of stories :)

OK - freshly namechanged here.

I'm with camicaze on this. I would probably be labelled as a pushy parent myself. I don't go to the lengths of looking in other children's book bags or asking the teacher for extra work. I couldn't care less what reading book the rest of the class are on, but it matters to me that my children are literate and numerate, and fulfilling their potential. I also want them to develop a decent work ethic, as that will serve them well throughout school and in later life.

What I have done with my children (one at school, one at pre-school) is to teach them their phonic sounds early and their numbers, and then start them on reading before they start school. I made sure that my eldest could write his name, look after himself and was equipped with enough numeracy and literacy skills to give him a flying start. He reads a book every day at home. I don't think he'd choose to, but hey, he wouldn't choose broccoli over cadbury mini rolls. He is confident and is seen as able at school. And this gives him greater confidence allowing him to stretch himself more. He goes to a music school at the weekends (just a kindergarten class at the moment) and will start a string instrument programme next academic year.

My youngest starts school in September. He also reads a book at home with me every day. Apart from that, the literacy and numeracy come through play. When he's playing with his marble run, I say "we had 15 marbles at the beginning and you have 6 and I have 4, how many do we need to find?". When he plays outside, I encourage him to experiment with different materials and we talk about nature and science. I know that I'm educating him (pushing him, if you like) but he doesn't.

I think a lot of the anti-pushy brigade here are people who don't have the time, inclination or education themselves to ensure their children are equipped to get the best they can from the state education system. There's also an element of sour grapes as the anti-pushies regard it as somehow "cheating" if you help your child along a bit and he then outstrips his peers academically. Although it's fine if your child's a bit slow and then catches up.

Sadly, life is a competition, and at some stage your child will have to accept that. In some areas, such as ours, the competition heats up at the end of primary for transfer to grammar schools, whereas others aren't bothered by this until GCSE level. Children whose parents take an interest in their education, and ensure they make the most of it tend to do much better than those whose parents let them fritter away their lives on their PS2s

I'm with amfibianna - I guess people would class me as a pushy parent, but I wouldn't have thought I was.

I try to ensure DS has the opportunity to grow to his potential - he is in Reception and turning five next week. We discuss things with him, we don't talk him down, we satisfy his curiousity and also stimulate it with more knowledge. We read daily, we practice writing, do "homework" and try to engender a good work ethic.

We are time-poor - working full time we cannot spend as much time with him as we would like on a weekday, but we make the most of it and no, not having much time is not an excuse for not engaging fully with your child's education. There's enough time to watch a bit of telly, share a slice of cake and hot drink, have a pillow-fight on the big bed and all the "serious" stuff (except it's not serious - why, oh why, do we make the assumption that learning cannot be great fun?).

My dear Dad used to tell me not to worry to much as I grew up "We do need binmen" he used to joke, followed by "Mind you, I'd expect you to be an excellent bin-woman, do it because you love it and take pride in your work". DS the binman or DS the rocket scientist, I don't much care provided he's reached he hasn't wasted his potential, loves his job and can take pride in it. I will most definitely do.

Since I don't know any pushy parents it must be me, right?

Okay, seriously, I take umbrage at the implication that parents who aren't "pushy" therefore aren't truly interested in their child's education. 2 x

I agree with ragged above. I also have yet to meet a pushy parent. I also disagree that it is either one or the other - pushy or disinterested. The vast majority of parents seem to occupy the middle ground of being interested and supportive of their children without being ott.
Unfortunately I appear to have spawned a pushy parent's dream child. My DC (5.0 years) is very competitive. We are hardly in the door but the homework is out.If I did'nt say enough she would have me doing homework with her all night. DC knows what book every other child in class is on I think. I did say that I did'nt care what anyone else does at school just as long as she does her best.
Now can someone please help me? How do I explain that being number one does'nt matter? It is inevitable that she will not always be top and that there will be subjects she does not excel in or god help me she finds very difficult. She is so driven I fear meltdown in the next few years or she gives up because she fears failure so much.

I'm with Snowiebear and amfibianna - I think a lot of people probably would call me pushy because I help my children to learn through play, and would like the school to extend them further than they currently do. I've just started getting them to read at home (age 4.3) but in a let's cuddle on the sofa and play the let's see if you can work out what these words are" game.

But I couldn't care less what the rest of the class are up to - except that actually I'd like to think that there are some other parents taking the same kind of interest as I want my kids to have peers who love learning too. I would actually hate them to be top of the class all the time when they are older (although of course it would nice if they were in the top half).

It really annoys me that people perceive this as negative. No wonder so many kids are failing to meet basic literacy standards, if helping your child to read has to become some sort of underground activity.

I would class myself as pushy :( I do envy parents that seem to be able to relax about how the kids are doing. I am looking into this side of me because I know I have to find a balance and an understanding of what's right for the the little people in my family. I don't have much confidence and I think it comes from that, perhaps a fear of failing the kids etc. Like I sad I wish I didn't have some of the feelings I do :(

Pushy parents are, in my opinion, those who demand more for their child than their 'fair share' from the teacher. Everything must be aimed at their child, who must be chosen for every team, activity, etc, irrespective of the fact that there are 20 - 30 other children in the class. And if he or she is not chosen, they have 'a quiet word' with the head teacher. Their child is more important than any other child in the class or the teacher's sanity. And they are on the PTA, governors, Netball Transport Rota, Golden Time cooking team, etc, so that there is never a bloody day when they are not in school checking up.

I am pushy in a way, if dd is reading her book too easily I will write a carefully sweated over note about it in reading record and will also find ways of getting her to reach her potential rather than just 'do well'. But I think that's okay.

littlebylittle notes like that, to be honest, make me sigh, because I have the children's reading levels in hand, and it is my job to know when to move them to the next level.

Furthermore, I really take exception when parents highlight messages and scrawl reminders in red, capital letters. Totally unnecessary!

But stoatsrevenge you may not be aware, that the child who sits in the classroom mumbling their way through the turgid adventures of Chuff and Dip is standing on a chair faultlessly singing their reading book in a rich Italian accent at home to relieve their boredom with their current reading books.

I have only once written a note to DS's teacher saying his reading books seemed to be not stretching him at the moment, and didn't even hint at the fact that when we did reading together he would announce at the start "today I am reading like a frog" and hold the book with his feet and say ribbit after every word. Or about the fact he was singing his books.

As guided reading groups are decided by reading ability, and progress is monitored,that would be very unlikely to happen, ambi.
I also hope that parents are supplementing boring school books with something more enjoyable at home.

As to sighs, Stoat, I agree. I also agree that school reading books are often boring and the children who really do well and learn to love reading are those whose parents supplement with enjoyable books at home.

Stoats, I take your point, but I've seen it from both sides and I know that as a teacher I didn't have as much contact time with children as the parent. I never (well rarely!) got huffy if a parent pointed something out. If you believe parents are a valuable part of a child's education then you can't expect them to sit tight and say nothing. Our reception class has am open door policy, we're encouraged to be involved and dd's teacher's response was to look at the level, and agree that she'd had a jump and changed the book. I know it's irritating to feel your judgement is being questioned all the time, I've definitely experienced that, but the occasional observation as part of a relationship with a school is hardly that. Because I am responded to, I question far less than if I got a defensive response from dd's teacher. It shows she's a confident professional. By the way, I see it as my job to respond non defensively about comments dd's teacher makes about her and to actively support, not just pay lip service.

I think its silly the way parents are getting so uptight when school books are not changed regularly.

Books are available from libraries, yet there are hundreds of messages on here from parents complaining because the teacher doesnt change books on a daily basis.

If teachers focussed on reading books every day then they would not be able to focus on all the other aspects ofthe curriculum. Reading is such a small part of the education and it can be done at home.

If you are encouraging your child to read, talk about what they have read, tell you the story so you know they have understood it, be able to answer questions about what they have read, then why do you need to use a school book to do this?

THere are so many other aspects of school that parents need to pushy about. Reading books is not one of them.

PS - I speak from experience - I was once the parent who kept challenging in Year 1 why DC books were not changed. But the books from school were so boring my DCs wouldnt read them anyway.

From Year 2 we have never ever had a school book sent home. My kids are very capable readers without having gone through the school crappy books.

Oh yes, the parents who 'helpfully' write "this book was too easy" as the comment in the reading record EVERY. SINGLE. WEEK, then when I sent home an extra reading book which came from a different scheme, they didn't bother reading it, as it wasn't ORT, so they didn't realise they needed to read that one, too, apparently, despite the fact that I'd written it in his comment book. I'd class that as irritating, rather than actually pushy, though.

Some exaples of what I would call 'pushy' parents:

*The ones who steal ORT books from higher levels/ further along the level their child is on, so that they can help the child memorize read it at home. This is designed to make it appear to the teacher that the child can magically read the whole book fluently the first time they are given it in class, but is fairly easily spotted by the fact that they can also read the words on the following page without actually seeing them if they don't turn the page over in time!

• The ones who do all homework for the child, instead of with them, sometimes to the extent that if you talk to the child about it, they're not actually sure what the work is that they're supposed to have done.

*The ones who, upon learning that our new topic will be Victorians/dinosaurs/space/whatever, spend the entire weekend cramming their child with facts on the topic, so that they already know 'all about it' by the time we actually start the new topic. Far from making them more interested, it can actually make them a bit bored with the topic, as they don't get to find out new things like the rest of the class do.

*The ones who are generally obsessed with making sure that their child is 'the best' at everything, even if they child isn't necessarily able to reach that standard academically.

There's a world of difference, though, between being interested and being 'pushy.' Taking an interest is a good thing, helping your child to do their homework, pursuing interests they do have with them, at their own pace, speaking to the teacher if you feel a specific problem has arisen- that's very different to being pushy, IMO.