The first crush

[MyWildOliveGoose]

I’m rather peeved today as I woke up for the toilet at 630 this morning and noticed a message from a school parent asking if I was free to talk.

At 8am I replied and they messaged me 5 paragraphs of having seen messages from my son (11) on their daughters (11) phone. They had used terms like “possessive language” and “I don’t want to accuse him of anything” etc.

I had checked his phone after bed last night, as I do every day to ensure he’s not being exposed to anything and that his use of his phone is age appropriate, not on social media etc however he is on WhatsApp. I hadn’t noticed anything when I checked so straight away I got his phone and checked again.

The messages were normal, they message each other every day saying good morning and good night, asking if they’d each had a good day and mainly Roblox or cinema talk about movies they’ve seen or enjoy. However, they had one conversation after this girl had sent my son a few selfies which were age appropriate where he told her she was beautiful and really enjoys talking to her, she returned these comments and said he makes her feel good about herself, he said “shall we date?” but she replied saying no as they won’t be going to the same school (in Sept) so won’t see each other again and my son replied “true lol do you wanna play Roblox?” and then they did.

I replied to the parent saying it just looked like normal conversation, and a little crush but that I would be happy to speak to my son if there was anything in particular that upset their daughter if they could highlight the exact issue as to be honest, I just cannot see the issue 🤣 maybe I am too relaxed? But crushes at this age is normal, I’m sorry but it is.

Anyway, they replied saying “just tell your son not to message my daughter again. Is that clear enough?” So I replied, absolutely clear enough, however I stand by the statement that my son hasn’t actually done anything wrong; that he was kind and respectful and took rejection well with no issue.

Oops, accidentally posted before finishing. I’m trying not to drip feed.

Anyway, am I bonkers?

I’ve explained to my son that whilst they have a good friendship, that the parents aren’t comfortable with the conversation becoming romantic as they are still young. We had a great chat about having crushes and attraction, what dating actually means and that it’s an action aswell as a commitment, and that as he gets older he will be able to understand his feelings more.

But I did also say, treating people kindly, and being attracted to them is normal, and it is normal to date people you’re attracted to and compatible with. That I didn’t think he’s done anything wrong and I was proud of him for being kind, and respecting her when she said no.

Have I done the right things here?

The only thing I wonder is if he said anything over Roblox that might have upset the girl? I assume the mum also doesn’t want them to play on Roblox anymore.

Apart from that I agree with you, it doesn’t sound like he did anything wrong or inappropriate.

The mum confirmed she’s happy for them to still be friends and play on Roblox together but couldn’t actually say what he had done that caused her to say she wasn’t trying to “accuse” him of anything.

I do understand asking someone to date at the age of 11 is a bit premature but it is normal for them to fancy each other lol and that was also part of the chat I’ve had with my son today.

Please see above, also I know he can’t actually message her using the Roblox chat feature as I’ve got it turned off on his account, so they can only play in the same server etc x

It doesnt matter what you think her daughter is 11 and feeling the pressure to take selfies bless her, the mum is rightly being protective, what you think doesnt matter shes not your daughter

Honestly, I wouldn't encourage my son to be friends on Roblox if they really have reacted like that to the text conversation, don't expose him to them insinuating something else next time!

Not being rude, but where does OP state that said girl was pressured into sending selfies? Speaking as a mother of an 18, 12 & 11 year old girls, her son was respectful and the mother is being ridiculous! If she’s that sensitive over a few messages that appear rather innocent to me, maybe she shouldn’t have her daughter on the internet?

The girl sent your son selfies (normal age appropriate ones), to which your son replied saying she looked beautiful. She told him, that he made her feel good about herself. I wonder if the Mum is concerned her daughter is validating her worth through interactions with your son (or other boys). Sending a selfie, receiving compliments = boosting her self-esteem.

It could also have been the asking to date as well, because they are both only 11.

I don't think your son has done anything particularly wrong here at all.

Doesn't sound to me like you or your son have done anything wrong.
Just an over protective mother.

It’s totally normal to date or ‘go out’ at their age and sounds like your son, you and the daughter handled the situation perfectly. Over-protective parent perhaps hit puberty later than some of us.

I don’t think your son has done anything wrong here but the other mum has the right to call time if she feels uncomfortable about it becoming romantic.

I’ve had this recently with my DD11. They would message like friendly kids most of the time, then the boy would suddenly ask why she spent time playing with another boy in their class.

I stopped it when he asked whether she wondered what it would feel like to kiss and cuddle him. I was shocked to be honest. My DD and I chatted about boundaries and not having to answer questions if she feels uncomfortable.

I was really cross with boy, but didn’t talk to the other mum. We blocked him and DD wasn’t even fussed.

I think at this age they all develop at different paces. The other mum was daft to talk to you about this and should have talked to her DD. I can see why she was worried.

My son didn’t ask nor suggest any pictures were exchanged, if he did, I would have had that conversation with him, and stated in the post too. I didn’t want to drip feed so made very clear, every part of the interaction.

This Is very true, I hadn’t thought of this, but you’re right. Thank you 🙏🏼 I will action this in the morning.

I think the selfies bit might be the issue?

I agree

If those are the only messages then it sounds like your son was a gentleman and quite mature for his age. Even the girl did too.

The Mum however sounds a little delicate and still adjusting to her daughter possibly having a bf, I guess Yr6 was a shock and I part get that, but innocence at that age is still there and it’s just saying youre bf and gf and seeing each other at school.

She maybe in for a little wake up call come Secondary and maybe wistful at how your son was lovely. I would say you have nothing to worry about.

Ok, how should that be brought to me to parent. There were weeks long conversations and not once did my son ask for any pictures. In my opinion, honestly, if she doesn’t want her child to send pictures to people she shouldn’t have a camera phone or she should parent her child. It’s not in mine, nor my son’s control.

Your son sounds like a lovely boy and you’re a brilliant mum.

This could well be the case, however I stand by that is an in house issue, their house.. not my house 🤣

I think that’s a bit harsh, it doesn’t sound like OP is even thinking of trying to get the mum to change her mind or override her. I think it’s reasonable to wonder when another parent says something like “oh I don’t want to accuse him of anything” and then doesn’t elaborate on what exactly that might be.

Thank you, I appreciate this so much as it’s weighed me down all day, I’m trying and it’s not easy with all the awful things our children are exposed to these days. I always pick up on everything and try to educate my children through their experiences, and this was a brilliant way to bring certain conversations to the table actually. Even if it did startle me awake lol

I actually thought it was so lovely of both of them, to recognise there was maybe a little crush, but accept it was more of an appreciation for each other.

I would message the mum that, having reflected, you would prefer absolutely no contact between your DS and her DD (including playing together on Roblox). She sounds quite aggressive, and your son shouldn't have to deal with inappropriate insinuations from adults which are not based on his actual behaviour. I think you need to protect him in this situation.