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Preteens

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Original poster

What consequences for 11 year who catapulted rock at window, causing £420 of damage? efupui

83 replies

Bloodyredface · 03/08/2024 10:49

Yup, can't believe it myself.

He's actually a really good kid and he was utterly beside himself when he did it. I have never seen him like he was when he did this, he was physically shaking and crying and very, very upset and worried.

He wasn't aiming at the window ( in our house btw) but the grass in front of it. However, he's 11, he has plenty of projectile instruments and has been repeatedly given rules on playing with these, and the window he hit is large and set low in the wall, so firing in its direction was not smart. I didn't realise he had got the catapault out ( forgot he had it, he's not used it for years).

My goal when he did it was to calm him down and get this in perspective as he was utterly catastrophising and really distressed.

But I still think this needs some sort of consequence, and quite a meaningful one. He is 11 and he really does need to know better. I do want to make sure he learns from this, rather than forgetting the lesson as he ' got away with it.'

Any ideas? I was thinking of having to do some serious chores around the house for quite a length of time. He hates doing housework.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloodyredface · 03/08/2024 10:50

Sorry about the random letters at the end of that sentence!

OP posts:
CountFucula · 03/08/2024 10:53

Honestly an 11 year old making a mistake like this I wouldn’t punish further. Sounds like he is punishing himself and won’t do it again so what further benefit does a ‘punishment’ have? The lesson is learned, surely?

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 03/08/2024 10:53

Oh dear….
Well he should be doing some chores anyway imo. Added chores perhaps. Or gardening/mowing lawn.

Ask him what he thinks should happen. It sounds like an accident/bad choice that he didn’t think through. It seems like he’s very sorry already.

FKAT · 03/08/2024 10:53

Chores sound fine to me. Assume you won't have to pay out the £420 in total as insurance will cover?

My kid did this around the same age. Not a window but throwing things around the living room and broke the TV screen. It was replaced by insurance. He never did it again (or at least not to the same extent).

It sounds like he's being punished by the crime and consequences. Anyway, I wouldn't come down like a tonne of bricks (no pun intended) - just a remedial set of chores once he's calmed down.

Spinet · 03/08/2024 10:54

My feeling is there is absolutely no point in giving him a consequence that is not related to the window. He feels terrible and therefore doesn't need a punishment. But you can work out how to pay for fixing the window together. If that's chores with a certain monetary value that works. I do think if you approach it in a 'how do we make this better' way rather than a punishment way it will set him up better for the future. I have a boy who can act compulsively/ carelessly too, the antidote is having to think about it!

Floralnomad · 03/08/2024 10:54

I wouldn’t be punishing an accident , I would be looking at where he uses a catapult in future for the safety of all concerned

Prawncow · 03/08/2024 10:57

Housework won’t do him any harm so I’d go with that. Why does he have ‘plenty of projectile instruments’ though? That’s an accident waiting to happen.

BitOutOfPractice · 03/08/2024 10:57

So it was an accident and he’s already really sorry? I think talking about it and asking him what he thinks should happen is the best way. I don’t think a really heavy punishment is called for.

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/08/2024 11:01

I'd be throwing the catapult and any similar toys away. And if you need to pay for the damage (if it's not covered by insurance for example) then I'd be making him pay you back. Out of pocket money, birthday money etc. I would be framing it as these are the consequences when you act recklessly, rather than it being a punishment as such.

Original poster
Bloodyredface · 03/08/2024 11:03

Thanks everyone. I did worry that I would be too soft if I never put a consequence in place. I think I tend not to be punishment orientated, and have been thinking lately I need to go more down that route. So interested in views that this doesn’t need that.

Once he calmed down he started to say it wasn’t really his fault as he was aiming for the ground, and I didn’t stand for that. I was clear that it’s ok to make a mistake, but you have to have the courage to look at what you did that caused the mistake to happen so you can learn not to make that mistake again.

As for the insurance, the excess is £200, so I was wondering if it were worth making a claim being as we’d lose the no claim bonus?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bloodyredface · 03/08/2024 11:06

AmyandPhilipfan · 03/08/2024 11:01

I'd be throwing the catapult and any similar toys away. And if you need to pay for the damage (if it's not covered by insurance for example) then I'd be making him pay you back. Out of pocket money, birthday money etc. I would be framing it as these are the consequences when you act recklessly, rather than it being a punishment as such.

Problem is, we are currently living on one income after job loss, so he isn’t currently getting pocket money to pay us back from.

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soupfiend · 03/08/2024 11:07

Well surely involve him in all thats required to fix the window

If thats phoning the insurance company and going through labourious forms, he sits and does that with you
If its phoning around and getting quotes for people to come and look at and fix the window, he does that with you

Natural consequence, plus teaching life skills

And perhaps think about how you supervise what he is doing and where if there was something remiss in that (there might not have been)

Original poster
Bloodyredface · 03/08/2024 11:08

Prawncow · 03/08/2024 10:57

Housework won’t do him any harm so I’d go with that. Why does he have ‘plenty of projectile instruments’ though? That’s an accident waiting to happen.

That’s his interest. He’s normally supervised when playing with these, but I’d forgot about the. Catapult and didn’t realise he’d got it out.

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LikeWeUsedToBe · 03/08/2024 11:08

" I was thinking of having to do some serious chores around the house for quite a length of time. He hates doing housework."

Is housework not part of his chores already? Giving housework as punishment reinforces that it is something to avoid and won't serve him well in his adult life.

Personally I'd take the catapult away for good and not give any other punishment as it does sound like he was shocks by what happened and may have learnt the lesson. If this isn't first offence I'd take the cost/some of the cost for the window out of what you pay for his hobbies/clubs

soupfiend · 03/08/2024 11:09

Bloodyredface · 03/08/2024 11:03

Thanks everyone. I did worry that I would be too soft if I never put a consequence in place. I think I tend not to be punishment orientated, and have been thinking lately I need to go more down that route. So interested in views that this doesn’t need that.

Once he calmed down he started to say it wasn’t really his fault as he was aiming for the ground, and I didn’t stand for that. I was clear that it’s ok to make a mistake, but you have to have the courage to look at what you did that caused the mistake to happen so you can learn not to make that mistake again.

As for the insurance, the excess is £200, so I was wondering if it were worth making a claim being as we’d lose the no claim bonus?

No I wouldnt bother with insurance then if that is the case, I would get him to help and be instrumental in 'how do we get a glazier', understanding how to judge reviews or quotes and things

It should take up his time as well as yours and give him an oversight of what happens when you dont think things through very much, albeit it was an accident, it might be said it was preventable with wise choices

Tinylittleunicorn · 03/08/2024 11:12

If your husband had been the one to accidentally catapult a rock through the window, and was in tears about it - how would you punish him?

I think often the answers to these questions about parenting lie close to how we would treat an adult we love and respect.

I think you would reassure your husband, it was an accident that can be made right and no more needs to be said about it along the lines of shaming or cajoling.

You would expect your husband to organise the repair of the window and contacting the insurance company - your son can't do these things unsupported but perhaps you could include / involve him so that he gets a sense of what needs to be done after an accident like this and also can feel he is contributing to the solution? He can also surely do things like check the ground for glass and sweeping up?

I think generally your son should be doing more chores / involved in the daily grind because he's part of your family and has a responsibility to contribute (and to prepare him for adulthood). This could be a route towards that - could you think of a chore he could do to free up your time for sorting out the window, that he might actually enjoy and be proud of? A gateway chore, as it were? Washing the car? Making dinner? Rather than see it is a punishment I'd actually try to find something he will enjoy because it sounds like window aside, he needs a route into contributing more / being part of the family rather than "hating chores".

You have obviously raised quite a sweet kid so far who was so upset about this accident. I wouldn't try to punish him as such. X

BCBird · 03/08/2024 11:14

I disagree re punishment. Sit him.down and ask him how he thinks he could compensate. Chores an excellent idea. Time specific. As for it bring an accident it was avoidable. He knows he should not have been aiming at a window. If he had aimed in.opposite direction and then it ricocheted into window that would have been different.

Original poster
Bloodyredface · 03/08/2024 11:18

If your husband had been the one to accidentally catapult a rock through the window, and was in tears about it - how would you punish him?

I'd be absolutely fucking furious as he should absolutely know better than to fire a rock in the direction of the front of the house! 😐

H spent yesterday phoning for quotes - me and the kids were actually just getting ready to go out for the day when it happened and I didn't want to cancel that.

The window has not yet fallen in, it basically is about 5000 shattered parts just about staying up through its own tension I think! He can help clear it up if it falls down!

PP are right he does need to do more chores in the house. Him and his brother put their own clothes away and clear their plates, and its a bloody effort to get them to do that. I do need to focus on getting them to do more, I know.

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BeeCucumber · 03/08/2024 11:19

No punishment - but get rid of the projectile instruments that can actually break things! What do you think happens when you use a catapult?

princessconsuelobananahammock · 03/08/2024 11:24

I really don’t get the no punishment/consequences answers. I don’t think you should shame him, but he does need to feel the consequences of his actions (even if they were a careless accident) to help him learn as he grows up. Those of us who have accidentally/carelessly done things like minor speeding/bumps in the car etc are very sorry but have to face consequences like fines/points/costs/time for courses etc to learn from mistakes and think twice/harder next time. I’m sure he’s very sorry, but he needs to feel that he is making amends. Paying off the debt through additional household tasks sounds fine to me, with a running total so he can see it mounting up.

EducatingArti · 03/08/2024 11:27

I would perhaps take away all his projectile toys for a short period.
During that time I'd get him to think about what happened, what went wrong and how it could have been avoided. I'd be supportive about this rather than shaming.

Then I'd get him to think about rules needed for using projectile toys and maybe make a poster of the rules so there are no such mistakes in the future.

I'd give him back his projectile toys one by one over a period of time. He needs to tell you how the rules apply to each item when he gets it ( ie how is he going to use that particular item safely)

GoFigure235 · 03/08/2024 11:30

I would sit down with him and go through the value of all the treats you have planned up until Christmas (factoring in travel costs/ice creams etc.) and work out which you and he together think you should cut to pay for the cost of the window.

Also, do any of your neighbours have a few basic chores he could do for them for a few pounds at a time? He should do chores in your house because he's a member of the household, but he might be able to earn a little bit of money doing some simple chores for neighbours - weeding the lawn, cleaning skirting boards etc.

GoldenLegend · 03/08/2024 11:32

Why does he need ‘projectile’ instruments anyway? They’re for killing birds with. Is that what you want your child to do? Or aim at neighbours’ pets?

I would take all such toys away and find him a less destructive hobby

AutumnFroglets · 03/08/2024 11:36

The window has not yet fallen in, it basically is about 5000 shattered parts just about staying up through its own tension I think! He can help clear it up if it falls down!
Clingfilm and masking tape will keep it in place until a glazier comes. It will also help them remove it safely. Mine was very impressed I had done that when mine shattered.

Put a price on certain chores and tell him he needs to pay back at least a half of a new window, ie £1 for washing up, £1 for load of washing, £5 for car wash, £5 for mowing the lawn etc. If he can see the amount going down because of his hard work that will help him later in life too. Oh, and the chores must be done properly, dont accept weaponised incompetence.

stickthewellyin · 03/08/2024 11:38

What other projectile toys does he have? Why does he have a catapult? I can't think of a single good reason why a child would have one these days.