AITA for calling my wife old, unable to move with the time and of a fixed mindset?

[GreenTreesAndRainbows]

DW and I argued this evening over our expectations for DS12. DS12 has been diagnosed with dyslexia and suspected dyspraxia (dcd). He is in year 7.

DS's homework is mostly read, cover, write, and check, for two different subjects every day.

Last term he had to handwrite most; he did so, with little complaint. This term, he has accessed the majority on a computer, along with the majority of his year group, as I understand it. I don't like the homework format, I don't think it works for DS and some of the teachers don't even bother checking his homework anyway. Even so, DS completes it every day. DW is, however, aware of my feelings towards the homework.

Since DS has been using his computer to complete his homework, he has been using an immersive reader sometimes and text-to-speech a lot.

DW is unimpressed and thinks that DS should be putting more effort into his writing and the presentation of his work.
DS writes slowly, his writing is barely legible and his hands' ache after writing for extended periods. Rather than focusing on letter formation, I prefer that DS put the effort into learning and retaining the information

Both DW and I work in a school for children who have SEN. DW says that the strategies and access arrangements we use with our students are irrelevant because DS goes to a mainstream school and is unlikely to go to an SEN school.
I explained the access arrangements that I think should be in place for DS to help him succeed, DW was shocked and seemed against the idea, "I'm just surprised that that's the route your taking for him already", "I just thought that we would try a bit more, he is capable of writing, he just doesn't want to", "I just think he should take some pride in his work, you know, write neatly and present it well", "What kind of future do you think he'll have work-wise if he can't write neatly?"
It was after I pointed out that very few jobs require people to write, pen to paper, anymore, that she huffed and said it was still important, so I basically told her that she was old, unable to move with the times and of a fixed mindset.

I think he'll be fine without writing neatly, technology is making the world more accessible for people like him. DW doesn't think so. I'm annoyed that DW refuses to recognise the amount of work that DS puts in, just to try to keep up with his peers. I'm annoyed that she's basically calling him lazy and accusing me of enabling 'his laziness'.
She says she wants more for him, wants the best for him etc.

We're at a loggerheads, I'm tired of having the same conversation with her...

So, oh wise ones, AITA?

What does AITA mean?

Am I the arsehole? It's an American think.

You shouldn't have called your wife old.

My DH works at a high level in IT and he still hand-writes his notes. All the time. In cursive.

YATA or YABU on Mumsnet.

Having worked in a super selective school (taking in top 5%) I can tell you for certain that a large number of highly intelligent kids use computer/wp as their usual method of working which means their gcses and a levels will all be done on WP. There is no right/wrong way to suit all just right for the child. If your DS is more suited to using wp but writing would hold him back and potentially frustrate him then wp would be the way forward.

so I basically told her that she was old, unable to move with the times and of a fixed mindset.

You could have replied "I still disagree and believe there is a lot more flexibility in modern workplaces than you think."

Then you could have continued the discussion politely with the aim of finding an agreement on a balance of writing and computer work that accommodates your wife's perspective, your perspective and your DS's perspective.

Instead you decided to insult your wife and do nothing useful to move the discussion to a resolution.

So yep. You're the asshole.

Does he have to, or does he chose to because that's his preference? I prefer handwriting my notes and type them up later because that's my preference. But typing my notes wouldn't hold me back if that's what I wanted to do.

I'd suggest compromise... You and your DW both have SEN experience and your opinions are both valid. I get the impression that your DW is favouring an approach of integrating into mainstream methods whereas you are swinging towards integrating into a more specialist approach and I guess this is what's causing the issues as there could be significant consequences down the line (long term education, career, etc) depending on whether it's successful or not.

Being able to write legibly is an advantage in life, both personally and professionally. You could argue that if your DSs hand aches after writing, he doesn't write/practice enough! Most of my job is computer based these days and I work for a modern/forward thinking company, however the small amount that I do hand write is often quite important.

Bluntly, using your terms, yes, YATA. It's not what you said (you're entitled to your opinion and it sounds valid) but the way you said it (your DW is also entitled to her opinion and it's equally valid).

Your wife is not old she just recognised the value of 'traditional' and knows that hand writing reinforces the brain pathways as part of the whole learning process/retention of information etc. It is important to be a well rounded person not just a successful accademic.
Your son will benefit from learning in an array of creative ways. My brother was like your son and he still has poor handwriting but it is now legible and fast enough to be useful. Your son needs to practise for a couple of hours each day so that the muscles in his hands and eyes and brain are used to writing and that it is not difficult.
It is fine to use screens but only of a set number of hours. Make sure you hone in other senses. Do you read his books out aloud to him? (even when he is older, you could pretape them for him.) He would benifit from audio. He would also benfit from artistic expression by painting some reactions and answers to issues. Enrolling him in dance could be amazing.
Make sure your son has a social outlet other than school - like a sport - with people not necessarily his own age but who share an interest.
Give your son the responsibility of owning and caring for a pet and have him learn all roles helpful to living healthily. He might love working on a vegetable patch with you. Writing the labels, reading the container instructions, researching when to plant etc. Cooking, buying food, cleaning the bathroom and mowing the lawn are all going to help him fit into society as a contributor.

Spending too much time with a screen inhibits time spent in other crucial areas of a well rounded lifestyle.

Fair, I hear that. We have had the same discussion quite a few times over the past few months. Today I got annoyed and reacted badly.

DS has expressed his frustration and upset when DW puts him down because of the presentation of his work when he's put the effort into memory and recall, which is the aim of the work.

None of DS's teacher's have complained about his work.
DS does write and draw in his lessons and free time.

I feel like he's being made to feel bad about something he doesn't need to worry about.

I don’t have an opinion on whether or not you’re an arsehole, but I did read your OP thinking “poor kid, stuck between two parents who have different approaches to the same job and using him as a battleground to determine which one is right 😔”.

Thank you for the advice. DS loves cooking, is super helpful around the house and loves helping out with his little brother. He's not sporty at all. I've encouraged other clubs both at school and outside of school, but he's not interested.
He enjoys drawing and playing with lego. He doesn't have heaps of screen time.
I still read to him at bedtime and sometimes he'll read to his brother.

DS has expressed his frustration and upset when DW puts him down because of the presentation of his work

Depending on how she's phrasing the feedback, this could be the real issue that needs addressing.

If she's saying "Your work is a total dog's breakfast, didn't you even try?" That's terrible, she's explicitly putting him down and she needs to improve her communication skills.

If she's saying "You've done great with remembering everything. Next time could you also focus on keeping your writing legible all the way to the end?" Then she's not putting him down, she's giving him relevant feedback that he/you needs to learn to tolerate and take on board.

If you persist in the belief that your wife's perspective is wholly wrong ("something he doesn't need to worry about") then you are unlikely to ever reach a balance on this because you're not treating your wife's view as having any validity.

Not the only difficult relationship for him either. I'm the common denominator, maybe I need to take a step back.

You’re not being unreasonable. Access is important. If you jumped to the name-calling in your title, however, yes, you are the asshole …

name calling won’t help her hear you. Name calling won’t solve anything. It’s childish.

you have a completely reasonable viewpoint; you have your child’s best interests in mind- I agree with you - and the name calling has to go.

personal contempt is a problem, and bringing it into an argument isn’t going to help. Maybe marriage counseling might help?

otherwise, If you’re feeling that level of contempt for her, maybe split up. You’re not wrong, but your methods need some work.

Ok I just read that she puts him down. Oh fuck, these put downs sound like a family issue.

I’d be at someone’s throat if they belittled my kid, so you are NOT the asshole, have at it.

it’s very important that his view of his abilities, his access to self-compassion, his confidence, not be stomped on like this. If he develops trauma around writing, it will be harder emotionally than it will even be physically. He already probably feels overwhelmed at the inability to go faster.

Kristen Neff’s Ted talk about self compassion is timely here, I think - for both you and your wife. Pressuring him (on her end) is going to harm him. Frustration and being at loggerheads will just make her dig her heels in, I’m afraid… she needs to be reasoned with, and it might need a neutral third party, such as a therapist.

I would divorce her over this, but I am intolerant of emotional cruelty.

No I don’t think you are TA at all. What you said perhaps wasn’t nice, but I do agree with you. FWIW you sound like a great dad, and it’s great that you are thinking of adaptions for your sons needs. Hopefully DW learns to understand that everyone is different.

next time, maybe choose your words more carefully.

If he really struggles with letter formation then forcing him to write by hand is misery. Has he had occupational therapy for the DCD?

I'm dyslexic and I managed at school without tech, but I would never have got a degree without tech. I bombed my A Levels. I wasn't diagnosed until my 30s but I knew there was something wrong.

I'd suggest he keeps using the IT but that he does some handwriting practice, maybe some calligraphy to work on writing nicely.

One thing I can't do is copy something (by hand) or write something without thinking about the formation of each letter, but with a key bard I don't need to think about it.

I think he'll be fine without writing neatly

If he's in the UK school system you are very wrong. Your wife has a strong point about the need for him to work on weaknesses.

I basically told her that she was old, unable to move with the times and of a fixed mindset.

That was a dick move. Frankly, given you both want the same thing, the way you are handling a disagreement on approach with the person who you are supposed to be closest to in life is bizarre and unhealthy.

I'm annoyed that she's basically calling him lazy and accusing me of enabling 'his laziness'.

I doubt that's what she means. I doubt she's putting him down. All kids are avoidant to some degree about things they find hard, that's not lazyness in the adult sense. Teaching resilience is really important- so figure out how to do that together.

If your DS has dyspraxia (DCD) then he may well have fine motor skill difficulties. If this is the case, then your DW is essentially scolding him for a disability.

It's akin to telling someone with a disability who uses crutches that they should practice walking more.

Obviously the dyslexia complicates things further.

And of course, DCD isn't just about fine motor skill difficulties, it also includes executive dysfunction, time management and organisation etc. It affects a wide range of skills and abilities and can have a very significant impact on functioning. Your lovely DS is probably having to work extremely hard just to produce the work.

What I would suggest is really encourage the drawing, which you say he enjoys. This will develop his fine motor control and in turn, will help with his handwriting.

If his handwriting was a major issue, his teachers would have picked him up on it so it doesn't sound as if it's that bad anyway?

When he's writing by hand, what does he use? There are both pens and pencils which have an easier grip - these can make a very big difference for children who struggle. Has your DS been seen by Occupational Therapy? They can recommend pens/pencils which are easier to use (usually chunkier and they're moulded, not just slim and round).

Going back to your question, I think there's a limit to how much a child can focus on at one time. With the dyslexia, he's having to work very hard on producing the content and I think that should be the priority. Plus, judging by the fact the teachers haven't mentioned his presentation, it doesn't sound as if it's that bad anyway!

You shouldn't have said the things you did to your wife - but you know this, really. You have both been unreasonable, for different reasons.

I have a 13yr old DS who is autistic and who also has DSD, and who struggles hugely with writing. I'm also neurodiverse. So I understand the struggles very well. It sounds to me as if your DW is having some difficulties accepting that your DS has a genuine disability - maybe she doesn't want to acknowledge the fact that he's perhaps more similar to the SEN children she teaches that she previously thought?

My son is complex needs disabled, has a good grade in an A Level and taking 2 more this year, which given his huge issues is a miracle. We gave up on my son writing at aged 11 after intensive OT. He’s in mainstream school with a scribe, Dragon software, mind mapping etc. WSM College have a good page on available software for schools as they train teachers. Also look at Frewen College on tech. Tech is the way to go! Aching hands is a symptom of motor coordination and muscle tone. Why inflict pain on a child and how does that assist learning? I wrote poorly but still qualified into a top professional job for which I used a computer, thank goodness! However, my poor illegible slow handwriting hugely impacted my exam results in school and it was a miracle I got where I did. Hubby has illegible writing but is a well respected highly paid professional. He uses a laptop or mobile phone to draft emails. My daughter has delightful writing but never touches a pen as it’s all on laptop, electronic pen on iPad for her science degree at a RG university.

It is always unreasonable to use 'old' as a term of abuse.

You are a man and that makes you already an asshole for many on here before they even start reading your post so take responses with a grain of salt.

Nor do most on here have an issue with being critical of their male partners. Advice on here is often - go tell him he is being a selfish prick and an asshole and he needs to do x or you are leaving.

Can you bring in some third party advice? The putdowns are only going to further discourage your son and in reality, handwriting skills are not needed in the vast majority of roles, and almost never for someone who could receive accommodation given his disability. You are right that keeping up with the work and enjoying learning is far more important than a child with dyslexic working on penmanship but it doesn't seem as though your wife is open to ideas. Does he have any therapists or professionals who support his learning?