AITA for calling my wife old, unable to move with the time and of a fixed mindset?

[GreenTreesAndRainbows]

DW and I argued this evening over our expectations for DS12. DS12 has been diagnosed with dyslexia and suspected dyspraxia (dcd). He is in year 7.

DS's homework is mostly read, cover, write, and check, for two different subjects every day.

Last term he had to handwrite most; he did so, with little complaint. This term, he has accessed the majority on a computer, along with the majority of his year group, as I understand it. I don't like the homework format, I don't think it works for DS and some of the teachers don't even bother checking his homework anyway. Even so, DS completes it every day. DW is, however, aware of my feelings towards the homework.

Since DS has been using his computer to complete his homework, he has been using an immersive reader sometimes and text-to-speech a lot.

DW is unimpressed and thinks that DS should be putting more effort into his writing and the presentation of his work.
DS writes slowly, his writing is barely legible and his hands' ache after writing for extended periods. Rather than focusing on letter formation, I prefer that DS put the effort into learning and retaining the information

Both DW and I work in a school for children who have SEN. DW says that the strategies and access arrangements we use with our students are irrelevant because DS goes to a mainstream school and is unlikely to go to an SEN school.
I explained the access arrangements that I think should be in place for DS to help him succeed, DW was shocked and seemed against the idea, "I'm just surprised that that's the route your taking for him already", "I just thought that we would try a bit more, he is capable of writing, he just doesn't want to", "I just think he should take some pride in his work, you know, write neatly and present it well", "What kind of future do you think he'll have work-wise if he can't write neatly?"
It was after I pointed out that very few jobs require people to write, pen to paper, anymore, that she huffed and said it was still important, so I basically told her that she was old, unable to move with the times and of a fixed mindset.

I think he'll be fine without writing neatly, technology is making the world more accessible for people like him. DW doesn't think so. I'm annoyed that DW refuses to recognise the amount of work that DS puts in, just to try to keep up with his peers. I'm annoyed that she's basically calling him lazy and accusing me of enabling 'his laziness'.
She says she wants more for him, wants the best for him etc.

We're at a loggerheads, I'm tired of having the same conversation with her...

So, oh wise ones, AITA?

@Nimbostratus100 the class teacher was also the SfL teacher for the whole school, so it was her policy.

no it is what ofsted want

@Nimbostratus100 not everyone is schooled in England.

I'm on your side. My ex is dyslexic, and he's a highly-skilled and well paid engineer. His handwriting is illegible, even to himself.

As long as your DS chooses sensibly in his career, he'll be fine without penmanship.

Now that your son has a diagnosis you need to find an OT and a SLT to help isolate and work on specific difficulties.

Your DW needs to figure out what fears or insecurities or buttons are being pushed by DS difficulties. There's a problem there.

I feel that knowing specifically what DS's limitations are would make it easier for the DW to accept the need for, for instance, typing homework instead of plugging away at the handwriting.

You should both be ready to accept the input of professionals here. Arguing between yourselves is pointless and stressful for the child.

You don't need to write for mathematics.

TI - 84 plus series calculators can connect to windows and apple devices, enabling sharing of work with a teacher.

My DCs all used TI series calculators in school from age 12.

Handwriting isn't necessary for written subjects either. None of my DCs ever submitted handwritten work once they were last age 11-12 in school.

All students in their schools did this. It wasn't specifically for SN students. The advantage was connectivity, ease of submitting work, legibility, and preparation for a world where handwritten communication is going the way of the dodo.

The advantage of the TI calculators is thet students don't get bogged down in calculation but can instead focus on the method, the thought process, the reasoning.

My 13yo DS is ASD and dyspraxic and in junior school was in tears because his teacher thought he was 'capable', just couldn't be bothered. We would practice and he would try his best and just cry.

His teacher once walked him around the class to show him what standard he should be working at!! (this was pre diagnosis).

I don't sweat it now. My son is a clever boy and has some real strengths. He excels in maths, science and English. However handwriting and P.E are a struggle for him and I'm not about to give him a complex for not being as able as other children his age. My neurotypical daughter is an amazing gymnast and athlete, she tries hard and does her homework but isn't that academic. I help her when needed of course, but I'm not going to make her feel awful about it... I don't think you're out of order for your views. Just how you perhaps worded them to your wife.

Sorry, didn't make it clear, all of my DCs are NT, all in US.

Anyone who speaks to their spouse like that is an asshole

no but everyone has an ofsted or ofsted equivilant

TBH the insistence on handwriting only is discriminatory against students with genuine difficulties. One of mine has dysgraphia amongst other things - he has permission to type everything. He really cannot do it. And to force a child with DCD or dysgraphia to write by hand without even occupational therapy is setting them up to fail.

there is actually an iPad app for helping kids format math work, too. It's called ModMath.

@Nimbostratus100 , no, I wouldn't assume that.

Re Ofsted/ equivalent.

What's a WP?

I would

My DS got late diagnosis of dyslexia and dyspraxia whilst at grammar school 20 years ago.

He was issued with a laptop, given extra time for exams, showing that even then they accepted he had additional needs, which he was struggling with although clearly intelligent.

His handwriting is still crap, but his presentation is great because he learned to use appropriate tools.

I work in FE and loads of our students have access arrangements, which means even when completing their GCSEs they have access to readers, scribes, prompts, toilet breaks, separate rooms and technology - eg using a laptop instead of writing if it has been deemed necessary.

assuming you are being serious Word Processor

I think you're right. The poor kid has learning differences that make writing really tough!! It's so unfair to say he doesn't take pride in his writing or isn't trying.

Also shoe me a human adult alive who doesn't do ALL their writing on a computer.

I'm a professional writer and former English teacher. I type everything up on my laptop. Good handwriting is becoming obsolete.

@ClassroomRunaway that's not true, you won't be marked down for spelling they can literally just turn off spellcheck, it would be pretty ableist if they marked somebody down because they couldn't write by hand

also op the ableism in this thread is disgusting, i have a joint issue that causes my fingers to dislocate when i'm writing by hand, i rarely write by hand anymore and trust me nobody cares, your wife is being ableist in my opinion especially because of what she said about the SEN school, like it wouldn't be possible for your child to end up there or if you suggested it you were somehow giving up on him

Sorry but that's so disrespectful the old part i hope you had the decency to apologise...my hubby would never speak that way to me or i him...so please explain how they still use pen and paper in schools if its not important aswell as computers. I think you need to sit and think hard about how your going on between yous and how unfair it is for the children first and foremost. My husband has dyslexia and one of our sons, he actually couldn't write at all nobody bothered to help neither could he type. I met him middle 20s and he now 37 he asked me to help him learn to write and within a few weeks he was able to write his name fill in forms etc etc yes not the straightest writing in the world but he can do it now. It just took showing a diffrent way and persevering. And you are wrong about it all being media..Let me see in the last month alone I've had to fill in a pip form, housing benefit form, motability form, a new will form and that's just the ones I remember none were sent to me online all via post and needed black ink not typed words. So try a new way incorporating both media and ink.

You need to establish what the objective for the work is. At his age it'll be more comprehension rather than handwriting so using tech makes sense, but if it's copy with the intention of recall, handwriting might be better to help with recall.

Of course your son should use technology to learn! It’s absolutely most important he learns, takes in information and understands. Using tools to help, especially with his dyslexia and dysbraxia, is only a good thing. Not sure why nowadays we think a child this age with these additional needs should be focuses on hand writing instead of enjoying and facilitating the learning experience!