AITA for calling my wife old, unable to move with the time and of a fixed mindset?

[GreenTreesAndRainbows]

DW and I argued this evening over our expectations for DS12. DS12 has been diagnosed with dyslexia and suspected dyspraxia (dcd). He is in year 7.

DS's homework is mostly read, cover, write, and check, for two different subjects every day.

Last term he had to handwrite most; he did so, with little complaint. This term, he has accessed the majority on a computer, along with the majority of his year group, as I understand it. I don't like the homework format, I don't think it works for DS and some of the teachers don't even bother checking his homework anyway. Even so, DS completes it every day. DW is, however, aware of my feelings towards the homework.

Since DS has been using his computer to complete his homework, he has been using an immersive reader sometimes and text-to-speech a lot.

DW is unimpressed and thinks that DS should be putting more effort into his writing and the presentation of his work.
DS writes slowly, his writing is barely legible and his hands' ache after writing for extended periods. Rather than focusing on letter formation, I prefer that DS put the effort into learning and retaining the information

Both DW and I work in a school for children who have SEN. DW says that the strategies and access arrangements we use with our students are irrelevant because DS goes to a mainstream school and is unlikely to go to an SEN school.
I explained the access arrangements that I think should be in place for DS to help him succeed, DW was shocked and seemed against the idea, "I'm just surprised that that's the route your taking for him already", "I just thought that we would try a bit more, he is capable of writing, he just doesn't want to", "I just think he should take some pride in his work, you know, write neatly and present it well", "What kind of future do you think he'll have work-wise if he can't write neatly?"
It was after I pointed out that very few jobs require people to write, pen to paper, anymore, that she huffed and said it was still important, so I basically told her that she was old, unable to move with the times and of a fixed mindset.

I think he'll be fine without writing neatly, technology is making the world more accessible for people like him. DW doesn't think so. I'm annoyed that DW refuses to recognise the amount of work that DS puts in, just to try to keep up with his peers. I'm annoyed that she's basically calling him lazy and accusing me of enabling 'his laziness'.
She says she wants more for him, wants the best for him etc.

We're at a loggerheads, I'm tired of having the same conversation with her...

So, oh wise ones, AITA?

I agree with you apart from the name calling which I’m sure came from frustration. He will make better progress in his subjects not having to think of his letter formation. You sound like a caring father which is nice to read.

For maths, he will need to be able to write. Students attempting to type maths take forever (even when experienced) and it slows down the processing of their answer.

I think there's a middle ground between you. He does need to be able to write legibily for short periods. However technology will mean he can use typing for extended responses.

I think you are right, OP. Old is definitely more of a mindset and attitude than a number and DW should be more positive about your son's achievements and future. I would have been just as blunt with her, particularly given her line of work.

I'm a solicitor and have hardly ever had to write anything by hand for work in the last 20+ years. Whereas I tap away like mad on a keyboard every day. If I do write it looks like a blizzard unless I write slowly and carefully.

@musingsinmidlife , where does OP say they are a man?

OP - I agree more with you on the question of where he should put his effort. I work in tech and don’t use a pen day to day. However it’s counter productive to be rude to your DW.

discipline in doing any skill is useful. Because by practising what we are weak at and improving is a great life skill and in the long term can build confidence (I was made to do grade 8 violin - not musical, but know how to persevere if/when needed). However - she does need to help and encourage your DS positively - appreciate that it is hard for him and help him practice regularly in short bursts (eg maybe 15mins a day?).

could each of you help your child for a short session each day? Getting your child help and the ability to use a laptop in class may be valuable (when it gets to the stage of writing a large amount) - but that doesn’t prevent you from practising handwriting at home. Handwriting to a decent standard is important with arithmetic as otherwise you can get confused by what column a number is in and what numbers are ‘carried’

Of course you were the arsehole for the personal name calling because your wife had the temerity to disagree with you. You sound just as intransigent as her. And sanctimonious to boot.

Oh but I see you don’t really want opinions on whether you were an arsehole. You just want other people to validate your opinion on your son’s h/w, possibly to throw it in her face? So yes, you definitely are an arsehole.

My ds cannot write neatly and for years, school and to a much lesser extent us tried to "help" him improve. It was pointless, Ds has pretty extreme sensory issues related to his autism. He cannot write neatly and never will. He has a scribe for Maths exams, uses a word processor for written exams. He got impressive GCSEs and A levels and is now studying Maths at a very good Uni. He can't handwrite for shit but that is not holding him back. So yes it is fine if your Ds is never able to perfect handwriting he will be able to function and reasonable adjustments can be made. You are not an arsehole. But you could communicate more effectively with your wife if you tried to meet each other rather than focus on who is "right". This is about your son not you.

If your son has dyspraxia then he very likely to have either fine or gross motor skills challenges and/or executive functioning challenges which makes it hard to 'send' the information from his brain to his hand.

If she treated my mainstream, dyspraxic son like this I'd have her up in front of the head quicker than you can say 'fuck sake woman, it's a disability'. In fact, I did do this when the 'inclusion teacher' suggested handwriting practice as the only intervention for the year with my DS. It's a nonsense. And working in SEN she should know that.

HOWEVER and it's a big however, no-one listens when you name call. You know this. And never in the history of the world has a woman changed her mind because she was called old!!

I suspect, jokes aside, that she is in denial about his dx and his challenges. It happens, and it sadly happens even in households where parents know a lot about SEN. That's what you need to get underneath.

There is a half way house. It’s great that he has It skills but he does need to practice his handwriting too. It will help his disability.

How, please?

I hear what you’re saying, but my son also finds handwriting difficult and it hurts his hand after a while. Lots of complaining, even tears, during homework! If I make him practice regularly then this problem disappears as the small muscles in his hand build up strength, and writing becomes easy for him. If he eg doesn’t write all Summer then we have big problems with it in the Autumn. I think this is true of most boys.

Anyway YABU (or YATA) for calling your wife patronising put downs, instead of supporting her attempts to help your son cope with mainstream education.

Plenty of dyspraxic and dyslexic children learn to write just fine, but your son will not if you encourage him to use computers instead. And no he can’t just never learn to write clearly. Adults incapable of writing anything down went out of fashion in Victorian times, so it seems to me that you’re the one stuck in the past.

Essie M answered it perfectly.

Thank you, honestly, it wasn't outright name calling. I said and titled it that for effect. I have regrets.
I did imply it though. More "It's like your being old. You're not seeing that things are changing, not moving with the times. You have a fixed mindset"
Honestly, I think it was the "fixed mindset" that upset her the most.

I've suggested counselling.

I just want her to get off of his back. I work with students who have been school refusers and often attitudes like that are behind it.
I can see DS is putting the effort where needed.
I'd rather he continue his learning journey with encouragement and at a pace that suits his intellect rather than his ability to write well.

But, I'm learning too. I'm going to adjust my reactions.

Does your child have dyspraxia @EzzieM? A recognised, diagnosed disability? Maybe we should be encouraging children who use wheelchairs to just practice their walking a bit more, the lazy boy tykes?

This stuff enrages me.

Pressed too soon in haste and anger.

My son could practice his handwriting from here to the moon and back and it wouldn't improve. And while he's handwriting, that's all he's doing - he's not listening, learning or keeping pace with the lesson. That's why it's a recognised barrier to his learning.

The ableism on this thread is sad, to be honest.

He can write and usually I can read his writing.
He enjoys playing lego, he writes little notes for himself and us. He writes during some lessons in school. He plays with a lot of lego, good for fine motor skills. He enjoys drawing.
I just don't think he needs to focus on writing in his neatest handwriting and consider the presentation of his homework.

I'm not holding him back from writing ever again. I just want him to focus on the post of the homework that is relevant, the retention of information.

Focusing on letter formation takes effort away from focusing on recall of sometimes, quite long sentences. He doesn't do longer than half an hour per subject, so if he focuses on his letter formation and considers the presentation, he gets barely any of his work done. He then gets into trouble for not having completed any more homework.

Also, not one of his teachers has complained about his writing or presentation at this point.
They're also happy for him to use the computer.

This!

Although, I accept that I could have handled my responses to my wife better.

I didn't outright call her names names though. I titled it that for effect and I have my regrets.

He does write in maths and some other lessons.
He can write, I just don't see the necessity when he can show his understanding in a more accessible way.

I am female. But not taking any offence, honestly.

What works best for your son and what does he prefer to do?

My dd is dyslexic not mildly but majorly and she would be fucking exhausted after writing, there was such an improvement in her work and learning when using a computer.

This is not about you or your wife's thoughts or preferences this is about your son and what works best for him.

being dyslexic and dyspraxic myself I am entirely on your wife's side

Children miss out on so much brain development by relying on word processors to organise their work

handwriting is like "fitness" and has to be kept up, or you will lose it

Tech is ultimately unreliable, pen and paper are not, and will always be needed.

So if your son jumps straight to using tech, he will lose the ability to hand write, he will not develop normal skills of organisation, and he will find himself with cognitive gaps and skills gaps.

IT is ok in moderation, but it in this age of chatbots, more and more is going to be required by handwriting, certainly many job applications and such are going back that way.

As to your other points, if your son is a human being, then look say cover write check will be effective for him - actually this is particularly helpful for dyslexics.

And you say some teachers "dont bother" to check the homework - teachers are generally not supposed to be doing that, I am surprised you dont know that is you work in a school

Good luck to your son - I know the struggles well. It is really important that he writes regularly be hand, every day, for life.

If you are in the UK, when it comes to exams, your DC will be marked down if they do not write their own work. There are scribes for children who need them, but if it's avoidable, most children are advised to write their own work as it means a few extra marks for spelling and punctuation.

Just something to bear in mind.

You probably shouldn't have weaponised the word old 😬. But we've all said silly things we don't mean in the heat of the moment.

Oh and to the pp saying "men are always the asshole on Mumsnet", I've found that there is usually a fearless menz defender such as yourself on any thread concerning men. Or sometimes concerning women and having nothing at all to do with men - "if this was a MAN saying this...". People do think it's the ultimate gotcha on here.

Have you seen any of my responses?
I accept that IATA for my reaction and I'll continue working on that.
Also, no. I was never planning on putting the weight of the unsolicited (as far as she is concerned) advice of the mumsnet on her shoulders. She didn't ask for this, I did and I had prepared myself for the response.

IATA for name calling/the implications of what I actually said. But I'm not as big a one as you have made it here.

I have to disagree with you a bit. My DD does still write daily despite using word processor and scribe for exams. We just didn't fret about how good his handwriting is and encouraged him to only write as much as he could. The op is not suggesting his son should stop writing just that they stop fretting about getting his writing perfected, so in assessment situations he can use tech as needed.

The fact is though my Ds is not dyslexic or dyspraxic he has sensory issues that impact how he holds a pen, so his writing is illegible. He still needs to write on whiteboards for his Maths degree it is pretty old school and low tech subject in that respect. His terrible writing is not going to improve but he still writes. It is not an either or it is simply a matter of taking pressure off and using tech sensibly to help facilitate learning and progress as needed.