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Preteens
DD has sent another child inappropriate messages
Realitea · 11/08/2022 17:36
I feel absolutely awful about this. Dd is 11 and I just found out she’s been sending very rude messages to a boy in the year below. I’ve spoken to the mum. I felt so upset for her, me, the boy..
Dd has only had this phone for about six months and I thought I’d put all the parental blocking stuff on there. I remember doing it.
All her friends have phones but I just can’t let her have one now if she’s going to act so inappropriately. Why has she done this and what do I say to her when she gets home later? Anyone have any experience on how to handle this? There’s also a lot of really nasty bullying towards her and another girl on one of the apps they use.
PineappleWilson · 12/08/2022 09:17
Apologies OP, I cross posted with your message about what you found on the phone. Agree with other posters, go to the police with this, but I have a child of a similar age and it would flash alarm bells with them if someone asked to access an account or asked for a password. It may well be a maturity thing, but does your DD understand why you shouldn't share this information, and why it's bad that this person knows all about you?
It may be a conversation that waits for this to be resolved with the police, but it's a hard lesson for her to learn.
DrShepsBall · 12/08/2022 09:38
PastaCheese · 11/08/2022 19:17
Then you're shockingly naive
I would say it's unusual for 11 year olds not to be aware of sexual terms and language
Realitea · 11/08/2022 18:34
The phone is gone. She’s mortified that I know everything. I’ve said she won’t have one for at least a year and I’ve given her an old Nokia with no internet on it! It’s shocking what the other girls her age are putting on this app aswell. Using words I had never even heard when I was their age!
Then you're shockingly naive. I would say it's unusual for 11 year olds not to be aware of sexual terms and language.
Bullshit. Saying this with lots of experience of this age group. HTH
WhippedSoap · 12/08/2022 09:57
Even before your update OP, I was going to say that taking the phone away and a big telling off (or even humiliation as someone up thread suggested!) may not be the way to go.
She got into a situation, couldn't get out out it and didn't come to you for help. Why not use all of this as a teaching moment? Explain why you never give out your password, but also what should she do if she does? This is probably a grown adult who is an expert in manipulation, your DD didn't stand a chance! It's really not her fault.
The same with the unkind messages sent by the other girls. What could she do in this situation? Who should she tell? What are the warning signs that something isn't right?
If you take the phone away and shame her all she learns is that you finding out about these things is bad and she can't come to you for help.
You need to up your monitoring of her phone use and let her know she can come to you if things go wrong.
PastaCheese · 12/08/2022 09:59
WhippedSoap · 12/08/2022 09:57
Even before your update OP, I was going to say that taking the phone away and a big telling off (or even humiliation as someone up thread suggested!) may not be the way to go.
She got into a situation, couldn't get out out it and didn't come to you for help. Why not use all of this as a teaching moment? Explain why you never give out your password, but also what should she do if she does? This is probably a grown adult who is an expert in manipulation, your DD didn't stand a chance! It's really not her fault.
The same with the unkind messages sent by the other girls. What could she do in this situation? Who should she tell? What are the warning signs that something isn't right?
If you take the phone away and shame her all she learns is that you finding out about these things is bad and she can't come to you for help.
You need to up your monitoring of her phone use and let her know she can come to you if things go wrong.
It's for these reasons the OPs daughter should have her phone taken
If she is so easily manipulated she isn't ready for a phone
It's quite simple
Littlepaws18 · 12/08/2022 10:04
Report to CEOP. The police can then look into this individual. My children will not have a phone with internet access until they are well into their teens. It's just not safe and so unfair to put so much responsibility on their shoulders. CEOP is easy to find on Google.
carefullycourageous · 12/08/2022 10:18
Littlepaws18 · 12/08/2022 10:04
Report to CEOP. The police can then look into this individual. My children will not have a phone with internet access until they are well into their teens. It's just not safe and so unfair to put so much responsibility on their shoulders. CEOP is easy to find on Google.
Just so say I agree with you - I have both adult and secondary age children and mine were/are not given a smart phone until quite a bit older than the norm. They seem to have turned out normal 
and have plenty of friends.
People ask/ed us 'how did you do it?' as if it was difficult. Parents are rather irrational about this area, they expose their children to quite a high risk and pretend they have no option.
Mammyloveswine · 12/08/2022 10:19
Ffs op your daughter has honestly behaved so irresponsibly!!
Why hasn't she mentioned this man?! Id be beyond furious with her!!!
There is so much taught in schools now about staying safe online and how important it is!!!
Saying that 11 year olds are silly and immature so definitely report to the police about the grooming but I would honestly go down like a tonne of bricks on her!!
I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this it must be so stressful and worrying.
carefullycourageous · 12/08/2022 10:20
Realitea · 12/08/2022 08:51
Bit of an update here. I went through the phone for hours last night and found someone who I’ve never heard of. She gave him access to her password and he is probably who sent those messages. He sent her explicit things and I could see she then googled them to find what they meant. He has sent messages to others saying he has access to the account and sent photos from her private snaps from me, her brother (ds) and all sorts. He knows everything about us down to where we all work and which school dd is going to. Really creeped out now.
This is very serious criminal activity and you must report to the Police and to school today.
carefullycourageous · 12/08/2022 10:22
Mammyloveswine · 12/08/2022 10:19
Ffs op your daughter has honestly behaved so irresponsibly!!
Why hasn't she mentioned this man?! Id be beyond furious with her!!!
There is so much taught in schools now about staying safe online and how important it is!!!
Saying that 11 year olds are silly and immature so definitely report to the police about the grooming but I would honestly go down like a tonne of bricks on her!!
I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this it must be so stressful and worrying.
This message is so indicative of what is wrong - adults blaming children for being children.
The child has not acted as an adult would because they are a child not an adult. FFS.
Parents are too often abdicating any responsibility for their children and just leaving them to it, and then blaming the bloody victim when something happens.
SleepingStandingUp · 12/08/2022 10:22
Mammyloveswine · 12/08/2022 10:19
Ffs op your daughter has honestly behaved so irresponsibly!!
Why hasn't she mentioned this man?! Id be beyond furious with her!!!
There is so much taught in schools now about staying safe online and how important it is!!!
Saying that 11 year olds are silly and immature so definitely report to the police about the grooming but I would honestly go down like a tonne of bricks on her!!
I'm sorry you're having to deal with all this it must be so stressful and worrying.
Because kids are easily manipulated by adults. Of course shes irresponsible, shes a child. And coming down on her like a ton of bricks just reinforces the fact that Mom isn't a safe place to talk
She's also being bullied on one of the apps- should op also give her a bollocking for that too??
carefullycourageous · 12/08/2022 10:32
Too many parents just bollock their kids for being kids. I feel really sorry for kids now as a significant number are expected to navigate the online world alone. We had a period where kids were not very supervised e.g. roaming on building sites, railway lines. Then we clamped down on this after recognising kids needed to be supervised enough to limit the accidents and problems. Now we have kids 'roaming' the internet - and coming to harm. In time we will clamp down on that too - because they are kids and need our protection.
I would no more allow my child to be groomed in virtual life than allow them to be groomed in real life. There is no benefit to a child learning to deal with dick pics earlier than necessary, any more than they are benefited from dealing with groping earlier than necessary. Why do people not treat online harm as seriously as offline harm?
carefullycourageous · 12/08/2022 10:36
BryceQuinlanTheFirst · 12/08/2022 10:35
Why would giving her a Nokia stop her sending messages?
I would look at the reasons why she is doing this? What is she hoping to achieve? Attention? A boyfriend?
It will stop the external contact accessing photos etc.
expandabandband · 12/08/2022 10:36
One of the clear messages that DD's primary school gave - and that we reinforced - is that you never have any conversations with anyone you don't know on the internet. And if anyone approaches you, you talk to a grown up. Stranger danger in pixel form.
The big question is how he got in contact with her and I think this is what you need to find out...
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