DD has sent another child inappropriate messages

[Realitea]

I feel absolutely awful about this. Dd is 11 and I just found out she’s been sending very rude messages to a boy in the year below. I’ve spoken to the mum. I felt so upset for her, me, the boy..
Dd has only had this phone for about six months and I thought I’d put all the parental blocking stuff on there. I remember doing it.
All her friends have phones but I just can’t let her have one now if she’s going to act so inappropriately. Why has she done this and what do I say to her when she gets home later? Anyone have any experience on how to handle this? There’s also a lot of really nasty bullying towards her and another girl on one of the apps they use.

Pasta - because they are 11?

By sexually explicit I am assuming pretty heavy stuff.

The phone is gone. She’s mortified that I know everything. I’ve said she won’t have one for at least a year and I’ve given her an old Nokia with no internet on it! It’s shocking what the other girls her age are putting on this app aswell. Using words I had never even heard when I was their age!

I've seen girls age 11 in my child's school, sending explicit messages. Thankfully not my child. Did your child do sex ed last term? Our lot did and it happened after that.

Why does she need a phone at all? Particularly during the holidays - I’d take the Nokia too.

Your dd is learning a very harsh lesson right now. I don’t have experience with this or with any of dd’s friends. I will say 11 really is peak headless chicken. Your dd quite possibly doesn’t know why she sent the messages so at this stage it’s about safeguarding her, the boy and lots of discussion about boundaries. I would also be ensuring she isn’t watching inappropriate material or been subjected to so kind of abuse. The average age a child watches porn for the first time is 11 so it is feasible she’s seen content on her phone (if a new web address hasn’t yet been flagged as inappropriate) or on a friend’s.

OP I think your coming off a bit naive here. At 11 I’m pretty sure I knew all the same sexual words I did now (other than those yet to be made up) and this was before teens had cell phones. Many many normal kids do

I’d take her round to his house to apologise. Embarrass the hell out of her then remove all privileges. I’d also be having the discussion about why she thinks it’s ok to do that to someone, does she understand what damage bullying can do? She is only 11 so it might be a conversation you haven’t had before

I'm confused as to why you're allowing a phone at all. You can still text on a Nokia brick. Why would you allow a phone at all now?

I’m confused by that too. No phone.

She loves to listen to music and had the Apple Music thing set up so she would play in the garden listening to music for a long time without messaging people. Even the children younger than her all have mobile phones it’s crazy. It’ll be even harder when she starts high school in September. I’m standing by it though. I don’t want her having a phone if she isn’t mature enough to know what’s right or wrong.

Then you're shockingly naive

I would say it's unusual for 11 year olds not to be aware of sexual terms and language

Don't do that, it'll be even more humiliating for him than for her!

Bit you’ve given her a Nokia? She has a phone that can cause just as much trouble as the old one?

This is appalling ‘advice’.

At age 11 it is normal to know some sexual terminology - because there will be lessons in school, but also you would expect children of that age to be asking questions out of curiosity and for them to be speaking about sex and relationships to some extent with their peers.

What you wouldn’t expect is a child to be using sexually explicit language towards another child - it’s hard to comment fully without knowing exactly what she said OP. However, age 11 you know right from wrong and I assume she knew what she was doing wasn’t right?

My child knows how babies are made but she does not know explicit sexual language other than the basics of penis, vulva, vagina, sex etc I’m guessing from the OP that the language used wouldn’t necessarily be expected for a child of her age? Knowing about sex in year 6 is appropriate - messaging people in a sexually explicit way is not. Knowing about sex in the reproductive sense in year 6 is appropriate - watching pornography on her phone is not, and neither is having an extensive knowledge about sexual acts etc.

again, more info is needed to fully comment on how worrying this is

Google the Brooke Traffic Light Tool for an idea of what is normal in terms of behaviours and what is not.

I know you are shocked but the best thing you can do is to help her to navigate having a mobile phone and being online, rather than take it away from her indefinitely. A year is a very long time not to have a phone especially if she is going in to secondary school. I think giving her a basic phone is a good idea as a starting point - that way when she out she’s can contact you and she can also text friends etc. Rather than punish her for what she has done though, use it as an opportunity to talk to her about what has happened. About why it wasn’t ok, about why the other child was upset etc. if some of the language used was worrying then you need to explore with her where she has heard the words / seen the acts. If she takes on board why everyone around her has been concerned by this then I think you need to work towards giving her opportunities to prove that she can be trusted.

The fact that she is being bullied by girls on the WhatsApp group is a bit worrying. Was she coerced by them in any way? Is there anything you can do about that group like tell their parents? It's sounds like she's better off without it for her own sake. At least when we were young the bullying stopped when you got home from school.

Why on earth did you give her another phone? I’d have removed phone rights for at least six months. There would have been a very serious conversation about what is appropriate and what isn’t and why did she do it? I’d also screenshots of the bullying she has received and send it to the school to deal with.

I assume she has a phone so can call her mother when out and about? Not a particularly unusual or shocking l thing to do!

Lots of DC at my son's primary schools got phones in the last year of primary school as part of getting them ready for high school and making their way to and from school and clubs in their own. The school even gave guidance on how to negotiate it all.

Bit of an update here. I went through the phone for hours last night and found someone who I’ve never heard of. She gave him access to her password and he is probably who sent those messages. He sent her explicit things and I could see she then googled them to find what they meant. He has sent messages to others saying he has access to the account and sent photos from her private snaps from me, her brother (ds) and all sorts. He knows everything about us down to where we all work and which school dd is going to. Really creeped out now.

Then she definitely isn't ready for a phone

Keep strong with the Nokia and report this to the non emergency police line

I will. I agree - definitely not ready for a phone

My DC had a smart phone to go to secondary school. It sounds like your DD is still at primary. Remove the phone and, once the heat has died down and she's no longer stropping at you for removing it, talk to her about the message she sent, and how she'd feel if she'd have received it.

Technically the parents could have gone to the police over it, as your DD is over the age of criminal consent. She really needs to know that this is not on. Where has she got the idea that you can send such messages, or that it's a good idea to do so?

She’s a child in charge of a pretty lethal weapon OP. You’ve removed it, which is the right thing and you’ve both had a life lesson. I’d also be concerned as to whether she’s been accessing porn through the phone if she’s using explicit language within messages.

So you need to go to the Police. As a matter of urgency.

You said she sent the other kid explicit stuff - of her or stuff off the internet? Has DD sent this person explicit photos of herself?

What has DD said about the man? I wouldn't question too hard beyond who is he, I'd leave that to the Police

Bloody hell, has she been a victim of grooming.

safeguarding report to the police for advice and next steps.