Devastated at videos on 11yo phone

[Highlandcows]

I’ve been active on mn a while but have name changed for this post.

I have 3 dd ages 11, 9 and 7.

Their dad and I separated 5 years ago and we’ve lived apart and co parented ever since. We do 50/50 which has always worked well and the kids have always seemed happy.
We’ve both been in new relationships for the past 3 years.

Tonight I could hear inappropriate words in a rap song coming from my dd’s phone (bitches be sucking on my dick) I asked to see what she was looking at and it was an innocent TikTok video with this rap song over the top of it. She said her friend (a girl) had sent it to her and saved it in her phone. I said how inappropriate the words to the song was, she said she knew.

Anyway, dd’s are in bed now so I decided I’d delete the video from her phone. She’s always been happy for me to look in her phone before, she’s not tech savvy at all so would ask me to open up a new internet search page for her, or show her how to start a new message chat etc.

Anyway, I went into her camera roll and deleted the video. Then went into her deleted photos album so I could permanently delete it from there.

It was in the deleted album I then saw it.

2 videos. Both taken a month ago in what looks to be one of the bathrooms in my house by my daughter.

The phone appears to be propped on the floor up against the wall while she’s sat in front of it. Trousers and underwear down, pulling her vagina apart, touching herself.

The second video is of her crotch, this time with her trousers on but clearly her hand is down her trousers/underwear and she’s touching herself.

Both are less than a minute long.

I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch either with the sound on yet so I don’t know if that might shed any light on things.

I don’t know what to do. I would never ever have expected this. I probably sound like a cliche, but she’s the sweetest, quietest, girl. She’s a very young 11. Started secondary school in September but is one of the youngest. But she’s not only young in terms of age, but in terms of how she acts too, she’s almost babyish in some ways. And so innocent - or so I thought.

As far as I know school has been going well and at the moment has stuck mainly with the same group of girls that moved up from her primary school so not been mixing all that much with many new kids yet. But there’s no denying she was at a primary school with a total of 120 kids in it, to a secondary with 1200 kids in it. The primary school was a tiny village school, probably all very sheltered and innocent in comparison to what she probably sees and hears others talking about at secondary.

But I’m still so shaken. How did she even know about this sort of stuff. I know they do sex education so she’ll be aware of things, but this?

At home she’s just like a typical little girl, loves drawing, arts, crafts, making things, barbies, loves animals etc. she’s so good. Don’t get me wrong me and her dad have both experienced her lazy preteen attitude coming out on occasion, and stropiness every now and then, but I’d have said she was a typical 11yo girl.

What do i do? How do I handle this?

I’ve been through her phone with a fine tooth comb, looked at all message chats to see if these videos have been shared/sent to anyone. They haven’t been. Checked internet history, nothing inappropriate there. She doesn’t have any social media or email etc.

If I bring this up with her, how do I even begin? She will be utterly mortified and embarrassed knowing I’ve seen them. I’m even worried that it may alter our relationship beyond repair. If I think back to when I was younger, if my mum had had to bring something like that up with me, I don’t think I’d have ever felt the same around her. I can’t bear to think of her not feeling comfortable around me.

But I just don’t know what to think. Could it be that she’s just starting to experiment with herself?

I feel sick, physically sick. Not that she might just be growing up etc, but the thought that perhaps there’s something more sinister to it all, although I’m not sure what.

Please help. Im sorry if this is rambled.

Oh goodness OP, I don't envy you. She's mostly likely just experimenting and using it as a mirror.

One way I approached awkward conversations with my DC when they were younger was to talk to them about someone else doing x, y, or z. Or I'd say that I'd read about such-and-such in the newspaper, and engage them in conversation about the inadvisability of certain things (though mine are older, so didn't have phones at 11). It's sometimes easier to have a difficult conversation apparently about someone else - it can make it easer for them to open up.

I would also say, gently, that you might ask MNHQ to edit your first post, as the level of detail might perhaps attract the wrong kinds of readers...

@EarringsandLipstick

Hang on. There are conversations to be had, but don't conflate separate issues.

She does need appropriate social media guidance, limits, regular phone checking & parental controls. Which it sounds like you have. So that's ok.

The videos of her exploring her body are very normal, I don't know why you feel so upset. The only thing I'd be upset about is violating her privacy.

You should not discuss the videos with her.

You should generally talk about the issues around videoing herself, never sharing it, and make her aware, without mentioning the videos, that you'll be regularly checking her phone, what she's using & what's on it.

Apart from this at all, keep talking to her about sexuality, her body & how it's changing & make her aware that you're there to answer any questions she has.

I think and hope this is probably it and this is prob the right approach. I'm dreading things like this. Good luck xx

@TheQueenOfProcrastination

Oh goodness OP, I don't envy you. She's mostly likely just experimenting and using it as a mirror.

One way I approached awkward conversations with my DC when they were younger was to talk to them about someone else doing x, y, or z. Or I'd say that I'd read about such-and-such in the newspaper, and engage them in conversation about the inadvisability of certain things (though mine are older, so didn't have phones at 11). It's sometimes easier to have a difficult conversation apparently about someone else - it can make it easer for them to open up.

I would also say, gently, that you might ask MNHQ to edit your first post, as the level of detail might perhaps attract the wrong kinds of readers...

Def contact admin about deleting detail please.

And agree with @AnnieSnap honesty and openness is the best policy. If there is anything amiss you will know from the conversation. Just explain you came across them when deleting video. You don't have to go any further and say how you feel about them. 🤷‍♀️

I would think that she is just exploring herself no more than most of us did but as previously mentioned we used mirrors. I would nearly use my phone camera now if I needed a good look down there only I'm aware that things are never fully deleted.
I think you should have a conversation with her explaining that nothing is every really deleted for example messages, photos etc. I honestly don't think any good can come from telling her what you saw. Maybe do am example of taking a photo deleting it but telling her ok its gone from your phone but is still somewhere in the cloud.

I'm not sure I would mention the videos specifically because she may feel a level of embarrassment and shame that she doesn't need to feel over her explorations. Of course you do need to have that conversation about videos and sharing of content etc but bringing up those videos feels like such an invasion of her privacy. It's such a fine line to straddle when her safety is so paramount.

*@Aquamarine1029 Do you you have high school aged dc's?
All Y7's have a phone and the vast majority of them have Tik Tok
Just an aside. I HATE these kinds of statements. As if those who don't give in or care what other parents do are actually 'wrong'. It's irrelevant to how I parent my child what other parents allow

@MsMoody there is indeed such a song. It's called "I got bitches" by 2AM. It might not come up in your TikTok feed but it's there for sure.

Are you sure these are just not normal self exploration videos to see her body. It is good and healthy to explore your own body. She may have videoed it to watch it back and see it, which she can't see when at a distance videoing it. Everyone is curious about their own body! If you have no evidence of it being shared i wouldn't disclose I had seen it as it will likely highly embarrass her.
I would use it as an opportunity to discuss self awareness of our own bodies, touching our own bodies, other people touching our bodies and Internet safety.

@Highlandcows, that sort of subject (sex, periods etc…) is much better handled when talking face to face with a child.

A book can be nice. They might go into details for something specific but talking is the only way to make her feel you have no issue discussing sex with her. You never know what a teen can come up with. It might be what you and most parents dread. Or it might be something very innocent that is worrying them/causing them discomfort.

I’d also be careful to not just stop after one talk. You’ll have many opportunities (the news are full of it unfortunately. The school will also provide many opportunities) to talk again about internet safety, issues of consent and the fact she should never stay silent if someone asks her to do things she is uncomfortable with. But that she can always come to you instead.

I wouldn’t be bothered about the videos, I think it’s a normal part of sexual development. I would however make absolutely, DEFINITELY certain that she has not and will not send them to anyone else. It’s so easy for young girls to be manipulated with horrific consequences. If you can make sure she’s being sensible in that regard, perhaps by broaching it as a general issue around sending pictures/videos and NOT telling her you’d watched them, I think you would be reassured.

This would be my advice exactly

I remember masturbating very very young. If I'd have been in a phone era - would I have videod myself to see what it looked like?

very possibly

This posters reply would be exactly my advice.

New to MN so not sure how to work this - but I mean to tag the advice of @EarringsandLipstick

Make sure the videos aren't backed up in Google photos / other cloud storage

Tough one. She might be just curious/experimenting, but very likely she can be a victim of crime.

I have an 11 year old. I agree she's exploring her body at that age but you don't want yo totally lose her confidence. If I were you I would tell her tomorrow that you've seen the videos of her with no pants on her phone and she must delete them immediately. Just tell her that she must not store any photo or image on her phone which shows any of her private parts because if she does she's creating an indecent image of a child and the police will get involved. I worked in safeguarding we saw this a lot. By telling her to delete them you are giving her some power still whilst putting the fear of God into her about the police.

Can you see her face? If so, you need to talk to her about the fact you've seen it as a matter of urgency. If you can't, then you can have a more general conversation about exploring ones body and never sharing images. And now is a great time to start instilling the never share message and also, it doesn't have to be you that she tells. Just a "safe" person. My DD was in middle school when HS kids started messaging her asking for pics and she told her brothers before she told me but., between them all, they dealt with it.

Please, please, please, under no circumstances tell her that you have seen those videos! IMO that level of embarrassment for an 11yo girl could do so much damage. It's just unbearably mortifying.

Definitely talk to her about staying safe online, the dangers of sending private videos, puberty, sex etc. It's clear that a conversation needs to be had and you need to try and suss out if she's being groomed in any way. But do not tell her that you have seen those videos.

Please, please, please, under no circumstances tell her that you have seen those videos! IMO that level of embarrassment for an 11yo girl could do so much damage. It's just unbearably mortifying.

Disagree. Don't tiptoe around this, this is super dangerous. If OP, the mother could see those videos, then anyone else can. Phones are easily lost or stolen. How mortifying that would be?

OP. I know this thread is from a very long time ago. How did you handle the situation? It's been long enough for you to help with the long and short term impact of the approach you took then?
I'm very impressed that you took your time to think things through and let yourself calm down before approaching your child.
If possible, can you give us an update please?