Devastated at videos on 11yo phone

[Highlandcows]

I’ve been active on mn a while but have name changed for this post.

I have 3 dd ages 11, 9 and 7.

Their dad and I separated 5 years ago and we’ve lived apart and co parented ever since. We do 50/50 which has always worked well and the kids have always seemed happy.
We’ve both been in new relationships for the past 3 years.

Tonight I could hear inappropriate words in a rap song coming from my dd’s phone (bitches be sucking on my dick) I asked to see what she was looking at and it was an innocent TikTok video with this rap song over the top of it. She said her friend (a girl) had sent it to her and saved it in her phone. I said how inappropriate the words to the song was, she said she knew.

Anyway, dd’s are in bed now so I decided I’d delete the video from her phone. She’s always been happy for me to look in her phone before, she’s not tech savvy at all so would ask me to open up a new internet search page for her, or show her how to start a new message chat etc.

Anyway, I went into her camera roll and deleted the video. Then went into her deleted photos album so I could permanently delete it from there.

It was in the deleted album I then saw it.

2 videos. Both taken a month ago in what looks to be one of the bathrooms in my house by my daughter.

The phone appears to be propped on the floor up against the wall while she’s sat in front of it. Trousers and underwear down, pulling her vagina apart, touching herself.

The second video is of her crotch, this time with her trousers on but clearly her hand is down her trousers/underwear and she’s touching herself.

Both are less than a minute long.

I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch either with the sound on yet so I don’t know if that might shed any light on things.

I don’t know what to do. I would never ever have expected this. I probably sound like a cliche, but she’s the sweetest, quietest, girl. She’s a very young 11. Started secondary school in September but is one of the youngest. But she’s not only young in terms of age, but in terms of how she acts too, she’s almost babyish in some ways. And so innocent - or so I thought.

As far as I know school has been going well and at the moment has stuck mainly with the same group of girls that moved up from her primary school so not been mixing all that much with many new kids yet. But there’s no denying she was at a primary school with a total of 120 kids in it, to a secondary with 1200 kids in it. The primary school was a tiny village school, probably all very sheltered and innocent in comparison to what she probably sees and hears others talking about at secondary.

But I’m still so shaken. How did she even know about this sort of stuff. I know they do sex education so she’ll be aware of things, but this?

At home she’s just like a typical little girl, loves drawing, arts, crafts, making things, barbies, loves animals etc. she’s so good. Don’t get me wrong me and her dad have both experienced her lazy preteen attitude coming out on occasion, and stropiness every now and then, but I’d have said she was a typical 11yo girl.

What do i do? How do I handle this?

I’ve been through her phone with a fine tooth comb, looked at all message chats to see if these videos have been shared/sent to anyone. They haven’t been. Checked internet history, nothing inappropriate there. She doesn’t have any social media or email etc.

If I bring this up with her, how do I even begin? She will be utterly mortified and embarrassed knowing I’ve seen them. I’m even worried that it may alter our relationship beyond repair. If I think back to when I was younger, if my mum had had to bring something like that up with me, I don’t think I’d have ever felt the same around her. I can’t bear to think of her not feeling comfortable around me.

But I just don’t know what to think. Could it be that she’s just starting to experiment with herself?

I feel sick, physically sick. Not that she might just be growing up etc, but the thought that perhaps there’s something more sinister to it all, although I’m not sure what.

Please help. Im sorry if this is rambled.

Please don’t watch the videos with sound OP, those videos weren’t for your eyes and to be honest you should have turned them off as soon as you realised what they were. Delete the videos and look online for a service in your area who can do work with her around internet usage, keeping safe online etc they usually do healthy relationship work, building self esteem work etc as well so can be a good piece of work to do with a child that is quite vulnerable.

I don't know why you would believe this about an email address or social media :

Absolutely 100%. She honestly wouldn’t even know where to begin.

^

Seems so naive to me.

@immersivereader

I don't know why you would believe this about an email address or social media :

Absolutely 100%. She honestly wouldn’t even know where to begin.

^

Seems so naive to me.

Because I have controls on her phone so she can’t download any social media apps, and a block on our broadband so that social media and adult content can’t be looked at.

I am quite confident in saying that she doesn’t have any email accounts or social media.

There was a story line about this on coronation street a few months ago. It's shows the repercussions of sending things like this. It may be worth a watch together to get the message across in a more subtle way.

It is very worrying isn't it with all the technology and social media platforms these days when I was 11 there were none of these, msn chat didn't come out til I was about 15.

I can understand why you're worried and I don't want to cause anymore stress to you but I think you should try and approach it somehow. My young niece has recently been groomed online. When it came to light she initially said it happened through YouTube. Being a subscriber and commenting on videos but she's since opened up more to the police and explained the chats took place through Roblox and Snapchat. I know you said she doesn't have Snapchat but her parents didn't even know she used or knew how to use Snapchat. And apparently it's common for this to happen on Roblox shockingly!!??

Sounds like your dd not sharing them which thankfully seems like other pp have said that she might just be innocently exploring but it's still scary isn't it so I'd try and broach it so she understands nobody can ever see her like that! I don't know how to advise you to approach it i'm a first time mum with a young baby but good luck x

Tbh I don't think any 11 year old doesn't know how to open safari or start a new message. This is the only thing that makes me wonder. The videos you saw remind me of a modern day version of reading more magazine in the school library where they encouraged you to become familiar with your anatomy using a mirror and giving tips (think position of the fortnight for a magazine aimed at teens. Just as bad really). At least that wasn't decided though and that's what you need to make your Dd aware of, especially if she is a bit naive. Difficult conversation but given the circumstances and the searches you've done it doesn't actually sound like there is any more to it

@Highlandcows

Just how do I even begin the whole conversation? I knew I’d be dealing with sex stuff at some point, but not yet.

You're sounding a bit confused (understandably!)

The first, main issue is safe usage of her phone & access to social media & sharing anything personal. It sounds like you have got all this in place, so you want to emphasise cyber safety messages with her.

Regarding sex, surely you've talked to her about sex already? As part of those conversations, you can introduce her own sexuality, pleasurable feelings, bodily curiosity.

But I still would not mention these videos, or that you saw them, especially as she had deleted them.

I did get her a book last year about puberty etc, as they’d been taught about reproduction at school

I'm a bit taken aback that this is all you've done. Have you not talked to her, spoken about changes in her body, sex, periods etc?

Mine had a simpler book about How a Baby is Made when younger. Then books about puberty at about the age of your DD, but we chatted about the book together & I had told them the information over time well before that.

@Highlandcows
Because I have controls on her phone so she can’t download any social media apps, and a block on our broadband so that social media and adult content can’t be looked at.

Whilst these are great as part of an online safety approach, they aren't enough by themselves. Broadband blocks do not filter out all adult content. Even school-level expensive filtering services can't do that. There are also always ways round parental controls on phones. Both of these things are worth having but parents still need to actively be their child's safety nets when it comes to stuff like this.

@liveforsummer

Tbh I don't think any 11 year old doesn't know how to open safari or start a new message. This is the only thing that makes me wonder. The videos you saw remind me of a modern day version of reading more magazine in the school library where they encouraged you to become familiar with your anatomy using a mirror and giving tips (think position of the fortnight for a magazine aimed at teens. Just as bad really). At least that wasn't decided though and that's what you need to make your Dd aware of, especially if she is a bit naive. Difficult conversation but given the circumstances and the searches you've done it doesn't actually sound like there is any more to it

I agree with this. This is what it sounds like to me and the place that I would start unless proven otherwise.

Why don't you know how much of the puberty book she's read ?? Did you not read it with her so you could explain any questions she has ??

If you approach her on the subject on sending things to other people, and advising against it, make sure that she knows that even if she did send something, it's ok to talk to you even if she's upset and embarrassed by it.

The communication channels need to be open to that if she did encounter trouble, she knows she can come to you. If she suspects you will get angry or have any hint of 'I told you so' she might not do that (not saying you would be like that but you can see how this would affect any child).

I remember at school during a sex education class, our teacher suggested when we got home we all got a mirror and had a good look at ourselves ‘down there’. And said how it was natural, how was should know what we look like. We all thought she was bonkers and mortified at the idea. Could your daughter have been doing something similar?

I personally would not tell her you’ve seen them incase it changes your relationship - she will be utterly mortified. But I would have a very strong conversation about filming or taking pictures of herself, and letting her know how they get put on a ‘cloud’ and even when deleted they might still be downloadable etc. And at the same time check no one has ever asked her to send any pictures.

Hope you’re ok OP

It all depends if it was just your daughter exploring her body purely for herself or if it was done in a sexual way. Some music videos and lyrics are so graphic nowadays and young people are very impressionable.

The issues around videos/photos on phones and the importance of not sharing is something you need to discuss with her.

The fact that she wants to see what her genitalia look and feel like is not worrying.

I do think you need to say you have seen them and wanted to be sure that she has not sent them anywhere or that she was asked to take them by anyone else. At the same time you need to affirm that it is fine to be interested in what her genitalia look like - after all for girls they are not immediately visible. Any hint that you might be shocked that she was interested needs to be avoided.

Don't tell her you've seen the videos. I think you're right and that would be devastating for her.

I would hope she just made the videos for herself, to be able to see.

However, if she was going to send them to someone, she will have already done it. So there's really nothing to be gained by confronting her over them.

The fact that she seems fine suggests that the videos haven't been passed around or anything, so I think she made them, watched them, then deleted them.

So yes, you need to speak to her. But don't tell her you've seen the videos.

Speak to her about internet safety and the dangers of filming herself etc etc.

Good luck XxX

I work with Special Needs children the same age as your dd. And they ALL know how to navigate phones and the internet. I find it impossible to believe that your dd is clueless about these things. She may want you to THINK she is, but its incredibly unlikely.

I really don’t want to scare you OP, but I was unfortunately the victim of both childhood sexual abuse and online grooming (2 separate perpetrators). The online grooming started through a pop star fan club chat room. He told me he was a 13 year old boy and send me photos of “him”. I had done online safety at school but thought this was different because he wasn’t a “creepy man” he was only a bit older than me. I was 10/11. He used to ask me to send him videos and photos like this and I did. It makes me feel ill now to think that those videos are probably still out there in some horrible corner of the internet. My Mum caught me eventually and called me dirty and disgusting. They found the messages and I think my dad emailed the man and that was all that was done. I think it is important to potentially face it directly and admit you’ve seen it, just on the very small chance that she is being groomed. Handle it sensitively, I would mention that you have clicked on it by mistake and you want to respect her privacy but it is your job to keep her safe and you just want to check that nobody has asked her to send or see these videos. I would explain that it is normal and okay to explore your body, but it’s best to do that in a mirror because videos can be seen. If she hasn’t got a mirror in her room I would get her one. It is better to be safe than sorry. I think my mum suspected things with me and ignored lots of things because she didn’t know how to bring certain things up. It only stopped when she walked in and “caught me in the act” filming these videos. I would have a look at “consent parenting” they’re on Instagram @consentparenting and I think they have a website, I’m sure they probably have some good resources on how to deal with these things. I’m so sorry this must have come as a terrible shock. This is more than likely a completely innocent self exploration scenario but definitely better safe than sorry. Be very gentle and kind with her about it all.

I think this will be my approach initially. I also remember using a mirror when I was younger (phones weren’t a thing).

I was going to say the exact same thing.
When I was younger I always used mirrors but I actually did a video a few weeks ago to see if I’d cut myself and it’s way easier to see then trying to do it in a mirror!

However id definitely bring up a being safe on the internet chat and include not sending photos or videos as they can be shared and you can never get them back.

I know you are so worried but I don’t think there’s anything sinister going on here.

@EarringsandLipstick

Hang on. There are conversations to be had, but don't conflate separate issues.

She does need appropriate social media guidance, limits, regular phone checking & parental controls. Which it sounds like you have. So that's ok.

The videos of her exploring her body are very normal, I don't know why you feel so upset. The only thing I'd be upset about is violating her privacy.

You should not discuss the videos with her.

You should generally talk about the issues around videoing herself, never sharing it, and make her aware, without mentioning the videos, that you'll be regularly checking her phone, what she's using & what's on it.

Apart from this at all, keep talking to her about sexuality, her body & how it's changing & make her aware that you're there to answer any questions she has.

Totally agree.

@Highlandcows do you mean you havent spoken to her about sex or periods at all? I'm quite shocked if that's the case at her age. I have a huge age gap sibling and she is 11 now, she started her periods aged 10 and already knew all about sex and periods at that time and she was very young and childish for her age.

I started periods aged 11 and I seem to remember from 9 there was general chit chat around sex and periods between me and my mum so I knew what to expect.

I expect her friends have been talking about sex/vaginas etc. And she is having a look, trying stuff and just a bit confused by it all.

There’s no song on TikTok that goes “bitches be sucking on my dick” and I know this because I’m an old hag that spends a lot of time scrolling TikTok to keep up with the youths.

I agree it could be what @Budapestdreams says, entirely innocent and just for her to video and watch herald, equally she could be doing this to send around. You need to find out, I know it's your daughter, but you need to listen with the sound off and then obviously you need to have those conversations with her. I hope it's the former.

It’s absolutely normal for an 11-year-old child to masturbate. Unfortunately, kids now seem to video everything. I don’t envy parents having to deal with all that entails (my youngest is 39). My advice would be mention to her that you were permanently deleting the the video that you had discussed with her, when you came across some videos that she had taken of herself. Say, that’s fine and then go on to discuss all the implications of sharing anything like that. Don’t embarrass her by focusing on her perfectly normal behaviour, just focus on keeping herself safe.

Herself, not herald.