Devastated at videos on 11yo phone

[Highlandcows]

I’ve been active on mn a while but have name changed for this post.

I have 3 dd ages 11, 9 and 7.

Their dad and I separated 5 years ago and we’ve lived apart and co parented ever since. We do 50/50 which has always worked well and the kids have always seemed happy.
We’ve both been in new relationships for the past 3 years.

Tonight I could hear inappropriate words in a rap song coming from my dd’s phone (bitches be sucking on my dick) I asked to see what she was looking at and it was an innocent TikTok video with this rap song over the top of it. She said her friend (a girl) had sent it to her and saved it in her phone. I said how inappropriate the words to the song was, she said she knew.

Anyway, dd’s are in bed now so I decided I’d delete the video from her phone. She’s always been happy for me to look in her phone before, she’s not tech savvy at all so would ask me to open up a new internet search page for her, or show her how to start a new message chat etc.

Anyway, I went into her camera roll and deleted the video. Then went into her deleted photos album so I could permanently delete it from there.

It was in the deleted album I then saw it.

2 videos. Both taken a month ago in what looks to be one of the bathrooms in my house by my daughter.

The phone appears to be propped on the floor up against the wall while she’s sat in front of it. Trousers and underwear down, pulling her vagina apart, touching herself.

The second video is of her crotch, this time with her trousers on but clearly her hand is down her trousers/underwear and she’s touching herself.

Both are less than a minute long.

I haven’t been able to bring myself to watch either with the sound on yet so I don’t know if that might shed any light on things.

I don’t know what to do. I would never ever have expected this. I probably sound like a cliche, but she’s the sweetest, quietest, girl. She’s a very young 11. Started secondary school in September but is one of the youngest. But she’s not only young in terms of age, but in terms of how she acts too, she’s almost babyish in some ways. And so innocent - or so I thought.

As far as I know school has been going well and at the moment has stuck mainly with the same group of girls that moved up from her primary school so not been mixing all that much with many new kids yet. But there’s no denying she was at a primary school with a total of 120 kids in it, to a secondary with 1200 kids in it. The primary school was a tiny village school, probably all very sheltered and innocent in comparison to what she probably sees and hears others talking about at secondary.

But I’m still so shaken. How did she even know about this sort of stuff. I know they do sex education so she’ll be aware of things, but this?

At home she’s just like a typical little girl, loves drawing, arts, crafts, making things, barbies, loves animals etc. she’s so good. Don’t get me wrong me and her dad have both experienced her lazy preteen attitude coming out on occasion, and stropiness every now and then, but I’d have said she was a typical 11yo girl.

What do i do? How do I handle this?

I’ve been through her phone with a fine tooth comb, looked at all message chats to see if these videos have been shared/sent to anyone. They haven’t been. Checked internet history, nothing inappropriate there. She doesn’t have any social media or email etc.

If I bring this up with her, how do I even begin? She will be utterly mortified and embarrassed knowing I’ve seen them. I’m even worried that it may alter our relationship beyond repair. If I think back to when I was younger, if my mum had had to bring something like that up with me, I don’t think I’d have ever felt the same around her. I can’t bear to think of her not feeling comfortable around me.

But I just don’t know what to think. Could it be that she’s just starting to experiment with herself?

I feel sick, physically sick. Not that she might just be growing up etc, but the thought that perhaps there’s something more sinister to it all, although I’m not sure what.

Please help. Im sorry if this is rambled.

@ditalini

The video of her propped up sounds like she's seen porn and is acting out what she's seen.

I drew some pictures based on some porn mags (pre internet) one of my friends had found in her brother's room and shared at a sleepover at a similar age - my mum found them and it was utterly mortifying.

This is a different world now though. It might just be that she's seen/heard something that made her feel "funny" and she's just exploring, but you need to find out if she's been asked to do it and have the talk about how sharing photos/videos is illegal/potentially out there forever.

The phone is propped up against the wall, so she can be hands free. It’s how I’ve seen her and her sisters put the phone so they can make dance videos etc in the kitchen. They prop it up against the skirting board so they can dance in front of it, if that makes sense.

But equally it could be something she’s seen elsewhere. Her search history shows nothing but animal searches, various homework inject searches, and fidgets and various other things she’s asked for for Christmas.

I know I need to discuss this with her as the thought of her being vulnerable and getting herself into a situation in future terrifies me.

So I would do that generally in terms of video content & the dangers.

But I would not talk about the videos she made or that you watched them. She never intended you to see them, it was meant to be private & would be mortifying for her.

Generally you can talk about sexuality & touch; my 3 are 14, 12 & 10 (the younger two are boys) & I'm open in my discussions with them about masturbation as part of their emerging sexuality.

What a shock.

Personally I'd go down the route of reassuring her it's okay to touch her own body - you don't want to make it taboo.

However you need to need to explain that she shouldn't ever send videos, if she's being pressured she can come to you etc. I think you do need to ask her if she's sent them to anyone in case messages or apps have been deleted.

I think this is just the modern version of exploring your body with a mirror which im sure a lot of us did as children. I would delete the videos. Then have a general chat with her about Internet safety and not doing anything you are uncomfortable with etc etc NSPCC are generally a good source for resources on such things.

@Aquamarine1029 sorry, but you having grown children who are now in their 20s is a vastly different world to what parents of preteens are experiencing now. Not that I don't agree that all should be monitored, but you are being very smug.

Just having these videos on her phone could be dangerous.

I agree. And I think that can be part of a wider conversation. But I still wouldn't bring up that she (OP) watched such private material with her DD.

Talk generally about videos, privacy, sharing / not sharing & all those issues.

Totally agree with everything @EarringsandLipstick has written.

It's a very difficult time emotionally at this age.

I definitely think the best approach is to talk to her about the dangers of sharing photos and videos. I would be telling her not to take any at all. Don't tell her you know of the ones she's already done though.

Maybe now is also the time to talk to her about consent and boundaries. She is clearly becoming sexually aware and I don't think it would be right to ignore this. You don't need to encourage anything but she needs to know what's right and wrong.

@ditalini

Nah, I don't think so. Taking pictures of her genitals so she can see them more clearly out of curiosity - normal. Would have done the same if I'd had a phone at that age but had to use a mirror instead.

Replicate the male gaze while masturbating? No, I don't think that's something an 11 year old comes up with out of their own head. But hey, different times maybe they do.

I agree with this

I would never get angry with her. I’m not angry with her at all. And if what she’s doing is exploring her body, then I have absolutely no issues with it whatsoever. As has been said, we had mirrors, they have phones/video/camera.

But I do want to ensure she knows the dangers of sending anything. I know they’ve had talks in primary school about the dangers of the internet, cyberbullying and inappropriate content/sharing things. So she should be slightly aware of this already.

A second thought- If she is taking her phone to school etc she really doesn’t want that sort of content on there. If it got lost/taken etc at school she would be in for absolute hell. xo

Just had another look, it seems from the timescale of things, that she took the videos and almost immediately deleted them at least the same day, as they were due to be permanently deleted from the deleted items album in 2 days time.

@sjxoxo

A second thought- If she is taking her phone to school etc she really doesn’t want that sort of content on there. If it got lost/taken etc at school she would be in for absolute hell. xo

Thankfully she doesn’t take it to school.

Just how do I even begin the whole conversation? I knew I’d be dealing with sex stuff at some point, but not yet.

Hi, I would say because of the song on the tiktok you wanted to have a word.
Explain that when you’ve taken a photo or video, it is in the world forever, it can be retrieved from a phone if it’s deleted, it can be found if it’s ever been online and she needs to be super careful about what photos and videos you take. You’re having this conversation because she’s growing up. (Hopefully she will then think twice about previous photos and videos without you saying outright what you’ve seen)
Then reiterate that she can always come to you about anything.
Maybe disguised as Christmas presents you could leave a sex book and the good pictures bad pictures book in her room with a note saying to come to you if she has any questions.

Thank you for all advice so far though. Really appreciated. I know I have to discuss this with her asap. Depending how it initially goes, will depend whether I let her know I’ve seen the videos. If I feel there’s more to it then awkward or not of course I will do whatever needs doing.

[quote yikerspipers]@Aquamarine1029 sorry, but you having grown children who are now in their 20s is a vastly different world to what parents of preteens are experiencing now. Not that I don't agree that all should be monitored, but you are being very smug. [/quote]
How, exactly, is it being smug to know that an 11 year old shouldn't have unsupervised access to a mobile device? They are dangerous for young children, this isn't a secret. A child that young should not have access to any device outside of the direct supervision of their parents. This is how kids get targeted and groomed. My kids may not have had TikTok, but there was more than enough dodgy rubbish available on the internet 10-ish years ago.

I would watch with the sound on , it may well then be obvious whether she is just exploring her own body or something concerning.

If you don’t want to let on that you have seen the videos you could talk about the dangers of sharing images - so photos and videos.
A good way I use to talk about it is to relate a story (made up if needs be) about something someone at work has told you about their cousins child who shared something and what the consequences were eg police and school involved etc. they are more likely to listen if they think it’s a real life story and happened to someone in their own community or nearby. If you google im sure you can find a story that you can appropriate.
I also talk to my kids about how their brains are still developing and part of that is that they can’t always see the dangers and risks associated with their activities.
I’d also try to enroll yourself in an online safety course so you can see the tricks that kids use to avoid detection
And finally does she take her phone to school? At my DD s school several kids have been excluded for sharing videos of kids fighting on the school grounds. I reminded my DD that the school has the right to look at your phone (might not be the same where you live but is the case where I am) if they suspect you have a video of this kind on your phone and that can lead to consequences.

@Hortonhearsadoctorwho

Hi, I would say because of the song on the tiktok you wanted to have a word. Explain that when you’ve taken a photo or video, it is in the world forever, it can be retrieved from a phone if it’s deleted, it can be found if it’s ever been online and she needs to be super careful about what photos and videos you take. You’re having this conversation because she’s growing up. (Hopefully she will then think twice about previous photos and videos without you saying outright what you’ve seen) Then reiterate that she can always come to you about anything. Maybe disguised as Christmas presents you could leave a sex book and the good pictures bad pictures book in her room with a note saying to come to you if she has any questions.

Thank you, this is a really good way of going about it.

I did get her a book last year about puberty etc, as they’d been taught about reproduction at school and she’d had questions about her period etc. it was aimed at her age and sort of a story told through the eyes of a young girl growing up. I don’t know how much of it she’s read, if any.

Could you say you saw some thumbnails that you thought looked very inappropriate and you didn’t click or watch whatever they were but you need to have a chat about safety online and how you shouldn’t share videos/pics, and to be wary of what others send too- sort of tie it all together. There must be educational videos on YouTube about safety online for teens- you could watch together xo

Whilst I understand that it could be uncomfortable, please talk to her about the videos.

There is a huge range of reasons and things that could be happening, going from innocent self exploration to the worst of her being groomed and deleting/being talked through deleting the evidence.

Online Safety advisors are saying that there has been a significant rise in what they term child-generated material and there are aspects of this that raise red flags. But you can't protect her if you don't know.

I think a book is too disconnected. I think you need to start the habit of open chit chat as she goes into teens so she can always come to you no matter how awkward. If my mum gave me a book we would have never ever mentioned any of its contents. We would have sat there drinking tea in silence like ladies from a Georgian tv series 😆 I think you need to be very chatty about it & make open chit chat the new normal x

It sounds like you’re dealing with it brilliantly. I would also add I teach science and pshe to swim dart students and tell them all to have a good look at their genitals so they know what is normal for them. Using a phone is exactly the sort of thing my dd would do, especially as I use the phone light and camera if I need to examine anything in more detail! You have looked to see if anything dodgy seems to be afoot and it doesn’t seem to be. I would approach it non comfrontationally and see what dd says.

pshe to secondary school students, not swim dart students!