Both children hysterical

[Disabrie22]

To not drip feed, my side of the family has several family members with diagnosed anxiety, depression and OCD and two have had nervous breakdowns. Everyone deals with this via medication, family support, counselling but sadly for us it is a proven genetic problem. Their father is also anxious and has been very Covid anxious.

Both my children seem to have had emotional regulation issues. The slightest thing will drive them to hysteria very quickly. For example half term has been beyond exhausting with the constant upsets. Neither are easy when it comes to leaving the house - the 11 year old never wants to go anywhere so will kick off crying and wailing and the 9 year old has issues with clothes so will become hysterical at the prospect of getting dressed - it’s very much about social anxiety.
The 11 year old will cry, wail and shout at every change no matter how preparation we give him. If we don’t prep him at all he will go into horrendous meltdown.
Covid has made the problem harder as it just creates more hurdles, disappointments.
I can honestly say we’ve tried so many different techniques - I’m in special education so well aware of managing transitions, emotions and my husband is also firm but patient and understanding. Can I also just rule out autism as this has been ruled out by their school journeys.
I can honestly say my son has always struggled with his emotions to the point where a meltdown is expected by family members and a good day without a meltdown is such a relief. School is regularly calling us as the slightest injury brings on a huge meltdown and they are concerned.

Easter has been hard going with both kids alternatively kicking off. I have organised light time out - park, walks into town with friends but even that has been challenge for my son.

What would you do to move this forward? I feel like myself and my husband are exhausted from the constant wailing and shouting.

Sounds incredibly tough. Do you and DP parent consistently? I only ask as I have a friend whose situation with DC (I think) is made worse by her and DHs completely different approaches to discipline.

How do you respond when they start wailing?

Are you sure there are no SEN? I was always like this and was diagnosed with ADHD in later life.

Doesn't present like autism BTW and nor does it necessarily mean hyperactivity.

How would they react to less patient responses 🤔

I think the first thing I would try is 1 on 1 each with a parent. Then once out and totally settled, focus on how they are feeling if they feel ok. So they both get lots of attention and want to overcome the initial fear/anxiety. Eg do you want to do x with mummy eg go buy this in this shop/this special walk/whatever their interest so they have control.

All 4 of my kids are much more highly strung this year than usual so I think Covid has exacerbated things massively for them. With the one who has developed actual anxiety and OCD tendencies 1 to 1 with me is working out well - focussing on lots of body language attention as well.

We’ve found whatever response we try doesn’t make a difference except going in hard and having no a no nonsense approach categorically doesn’t help. If anything it makes both children become more distressed. I can honestly say the older one moans so much we do ignore the majority of it anyway and we ignore the wailing if it goes on for hours because nothing we do will make a difference.

This Easter has been spent with me taking one out in the morning and one out in the afternoon the majority of the time as their interests/friends are different. So lots of one on one time.

Defo no SEN - I mentioned it straight away in reception and they ruled it out. Never been raised again - older boy is top ability groups for all. Younger one young in the year so has struggled in a way that is expected.

Would it help if they chose the activity and planned it?
You could give them a choice of a few and let them plan when you’re leaving, returning, what food etc

Thanks for responses so far - I really appreciate your advice

Covid has made things more difficult

Our son used to have anxiety like this sometimes that made certain places stressful. He’s been on regular probiotics to improve his gut health after I read a link with anxiety and I don’t recognise him - he is completely fine amd even suggests outings now and up for anything. I wouldn’t have believed the difference I’ve seen and I’ve focused hard on his nutrition too for good prebioticS and kept sugar low - it’s worth a go if you haven’t tried this

Ps I really mean that it was a proper problem - he would suddenly bolt in an absolute panic from certain places or freeze in social situations and inconsolably need to leave. You would just never guess now

@Looseleaf

Our son used to have anxiety like this sometimes that made certain places stressful. He’s been on regular probiotics to improve his gut health after I read a link with anxiety and I don’t recognise him - he is completely fine amd even suggests outings now and up for anything. I wouldn’t have believed the difference I’ve seen and I’ve focused hard on his nutrition too for good prebioticS and kept sugar low - it’s worth a go if you haven’t tried this

Interesting, which probiotics are you using?

@Disabrie22

Defo no SEN - I mentioned it straight away in reception and they ruled it out. Never been raised again - older boy is top ability groups for all. Younger one young in the year so has struggled in a way that is expected.

SEN isn't about academic ability. There are numerous very able children who have quite debilitating SEN. When you say autism is ruled out by their school journey, what do you mean? Have they ever been assessed by a paediatrician, occupational therapist or speech and language therapist?

I would agree with an assessment by more than just school. Both my dc are very academically able but both have sen of very differing sorts.

If you’re in SEN, you must know that lots of children mask at school and that this makes home life considerably harder. So them doing well at school, no concerns there, doesn’t rule anything out really. Teachers aren’t qualified to rule SEN in or out.

Your home life sounds very like a lot of parents I read on the various SEN boards I’m on for my own SEN child. It’s not, in my experience, usual for neurotypical children to behave like this. Something is distressing them, as you have explained. Lots of SEN parents go through a long period of being the only person who sees or experiences their child’s distress

I would go and see your GP without the children, explain the family background, explain your husband’s anxieties and ask to be referred to the paediatric team.

I have 2 NT teens, a SEN 11yo, so I have been through this. I wish you the best of luck in seeking help.

I am a teacher and I would certainly not trust the school to make an assessment on autism. I think you should get another opinion on this. Could you afford a private psychiatric assessment? It sounds like ASC based on what you're saying but you need a proper assessment.

HeIsHobBobbie I use Bio-Kult but I don’t know enough to know if this is the best one so do double check . It’s helped us anyway . I also make kefir which I quietly mix into DS’ yoghurt or milkshakes as it’s so rich in helpful bacteria. It’s worth looking up studies on how much gut health can help and it has a weirdly strong link to the brain

Actually many children with autism are exceptionally intelligent and high-achieving at school so that is not a bench-mark at all.

Well, they clearly do have special needs (even if not detected), as life is pretty impossible just now for you.

I'd be looking at sensory issues, especially because of the clothes & executive control problems.

I have Adhd (usual exams, couple of degrees, so never picked up in educational settings) & I used to have issues about going out. They definitely need different strategies tho, as its getting too hysterical by the sounds of it.

Get outside help before you crack.

The Adhd Foundation have lots of info. I queried being gifted is often an issue for BD children & they replied it is, as it masks areas where there is a lag in development.

ND children.

Also, autism often runs in families. Looking at your family history there is a lot of anxiety, depression and OCD; all of these are often prevalent in ASC.