Both children hysterical

[Disabrie22]

To not drip feed, my side of the family has several family members with diagnosed anxiety, depression and OCD and two have had nervous breakdowns. Everyone deals with this via medication, family support, counselling but sadly for us it is a proven genetic problem. Their father is also anxious and has been very Covid anxious.

Both my children seem to have had emotional regulation issues. The slightest thing will drive them to hysteria very quickly. For example half term has been beyond exhausting with the constant upsets. Neither are easy when it comes to leaving the house - the 11 year old never wants to go anywhere so will kick off crying and wailing and the 9 year old has issues with clothes so will become hysterical at the prospect of getting dressed - it’s very much about social anxiety.
The 11 year old will cry, wail and shout at every change no matter how preparation we give him. If we don’t prep him at all he will go into horrendous meltdown.
Covid has made the problem harder as it just creates more hurdles, disappointments.
I can honestly say we’ve tried so many different techniques - I’m in special education so well aware of managing transitions, emotions and my husband is also firm but patient and understanding. Can I also just rule out autism as this has been ruled out by their school journeys.
I can honestly say my son has always struggled with his emotions to the point where a meltdown is expected by family members and a good day without a meltdown is such a relief. School is regularly calling us as the slightest injury brings on a huge meltdown and they are concerned.

Easter has been hard going with both kids alternatively kicking off. I have organised light time out - park, walks into town with friends but even that has been challenge for my son.

What would you do to move this forward? I feel like myself and my husband are exhausted from the constant wailing and shouting.

Honestly- boundaried strong parenting. You’re so aware of your family MH anxieties that you’re projecting and giving them too much power. They’d feel safer with more rules and less responsibility.

They sound a lot like my autistic dd tbh, the school have never raised any concerns and she is 15yo now.

There is a book called zones of regulation which is about emotional regulation. It might be useful but costs a fortune!

Anxiety is almost always linked to low confidence and poor self esteem. A belief that they're not going to cope and the world is not safe. Anything you can do to help their self belief and confidence would help, clubs and hobbies maybe?

I had one of these. Going in hard made everything worse. I read two really helpful books.

The Explosive Child and The Highly Sensitive Child. Both were really helpful.

They could have Asperger's and anxiety often comes hand in hand with it, I certainly would get a sensory assessment done, children with Asperger's can be exceptionally clever, but can also come with lots of meltdowns or perhaps aggressive behaviour.

Girls, in particular, will mask at school which makes it harder for teachers to pick up on; and most teachers are very ignorant about SEN - unsurprisingly as they have little to no training in it at all. You really need to get a psychiatric assessment. Screaming and having meltdowns at this age is not neurotypical behaviour so they do have some kind of SEN, it's just a matter of getting a full diagnosis. This will help them, and help you because dealing with this must be bloody exhausting and you need emotional and practical help.

Sorry, I missed that you said you have sons -but boys can also hide emotions at school.

Annafivetowns I totally agree about teachers and lack of training in fact it was mentioned at a meeting last week.

Sounds similar to my son who suffers from anxiety and sensory processing disorder (SPD).

If school have concerns then maybe they could refer for assessment for asd -
You said it was mentioned in reception, they ruled it out and it’s never been revisited again. Tbh there are a lot of similarities with my 7yo who has asd (Aspergers). The difficulty with transitions, clothing, anxiety, emotional regulation, etc. He also gets extremely distressed at very minor injuries. He is a bright, academically able kid who masks fairly well throughout school. It all comes undone when I get him home, when he strips off, refuses to go out, etc.

Thanks all. The reason why I have I ruled out SEN is because I’ve been involved in it for 15 years - my feeling is this some form of anxiety/mental illness as opposed to additional needs. My children are in a federated infant and primary and I work in their school - I can honestly say in this case the teachers and SENCO are really strong and do regularly pick up on SEN and do their utmost to support. Being involved in SEN I have gone through my worries with the school - and have had the little one assessed for dyslexia and dyspraxia. I’m going to put myself out on a limb here and also add that I have had quite a varied experience and a long time supporting many different pupils with autism - my kids just don’t tick any of the boxes - and this is with me seeing those boxes ticked in many different ways. It’s most likely some form of anxiety but I guess I wanted to see what you thought as it’s hard being a parent and looking at your own child - not to mention constantly reflecting on your parenting. To the poster who mentioning masking - I think there probably more likely to be it.

I bought The Explosive Child when the big one was little - thanks

Thanks all for comments

Or sorry - maybe anxiety is regarded as an additional need in terms of catergories? I tend to separate things in terms of learning difficulties rather than emotional difficulties but there’s probably a crossover - thank you

I will see if I can grab zones of regulation book - thank you

They do some nice and varied clubs - I’m always trying to build self esteem. The little one does more than the big one.

Etinox - honestly I suffered with severe anxiety as a child and with support I have treated my own mental health, had counselling and take medication. I work hard not to give my children the experience of growing up with a stressed, poorly regulated parent. However this has made me fully aware of the fact that my children are showing anxiety beyond the normal. I’m not projecting - I’m actively aware of what might be going on.
We do have boundaried parenting and the children do know how to behave - but this is different. Thanks for your help - will call GP tomorrow. Have not called before as the school has been supporting with Elsa since the return to school and I was waiting to see if it helped.

I just wanted to talk to someone - thank you all for being there.

id suspect SEN in all honesty.

But there is some evidence that anxiety is inherited. Short and long serotonin gene instead of 2 long.

I have anxiety, it’s never been obvious to my dd. But she showed symptoms from an early age.

I was recommended My hidden chimp on here. Id like to pass on that recommendation to you!

I also get adverts on facebook for big life journal which also looks good.

@Looseleaf really interested to hear probiotics worked for you, can I ask what you use?

Never been raised again - older boy is top ability groups for all

That honestly has nothing to do with anything- I have ADHD and got AAAA at A level, first class undergraduate degree and an MA.

I know you said no autism but everything you have said is textbook autism to me.
I know many many autistic children via my line of work and believe me, many are top of the class so that has nothing to do with it.
Schools get it wrong all the time. If they are 11 and 9 and this hasn’t been looked into since reception then I would definitely think it was something to consider.
Difficulty with emotion, difficulty with transitions, difficulty with change, difficulty with textures of clothes, food, too much or too little stimulation. Autism is such a huge massive wide range. Reading your post I am staggered you think it’s not a possibility

@OnTheBrink

I agree.

OP. I think when it's your own children you sometimes just cant see what's in front of you. My DS didn't get diagnosed with ADHD until he was 15. I was kind of in denial. It's harder if you also share their traits (they often run in families) because you normalise a lot if their behaviour. I did this with my son because I now think I also have adhd, and I think my dad does too, so I couldn't see that his behaviour was "unusual".

Your children's behaviour is not neurotypical. As PP has said it sounds almost like textbook autism.

Also, as a teacher, I really would not necessarily trust the SENCOs opinion either; I've come across plenty who are not that great and I honestly wonder how they got to be doing the job they do. I'm actually staggered at the level of ignorance around SEN in schools. You really need to get a professional opinion eg a child psychiatrist who specialises in autism.