My dd who is 12 wants to be a boy but a feminine boy?!

[Littlek0406]

I just can’t get my head around this one.
So dd is 12 wants to transition to a boy but wants to be a feminine boy who wears dresses, skirts & looks all girlie!

Bit of out ground she became out as a lesbian when she’s was in year 7 due the first lockdown she said she’s non binary & I’ve just found that, that was lie & she wants to trans.

In September me twin passed away who lived with us, she’s addicted to reading Japanese amine porn, she’s goes to all girls school we’re you’ve got a have a label whether it be bi, pan, trans & her father has got 3 different children by 3 women, he just replaced one with the another plus he’s back 2 now.

I’ll support her no matter what, she receiving counselling for bereavement & she’s on YPAS waiting list.

Any advice please

I would just go with “that’s nice dear” and leave her to it. They are always coming up with new things to “out label” eachother because being gay is apparently not special enough any more. She can present how she likes within school rules and she’s too young to be looking at any medical treatment so you dint need to worry about that.
It sounds like she’s dealing with a lot at the moment so just be supportive but be careful of which anime she is watching, DD 15 likes it but she avoids a lot of it as it can be pretty extreme.

She sounds confused. Also nowadays it's seen as 'vogue' to apply a non conformist label to oneself. Many will disagree with md but I'm not a believer of allowing a child to 'transition' they simply cannot comprehend what they are embarking on. I'd take it all with a pinch of salt and not yet too 'involved' at this stage. Maybe a few questions to ascertain how much of what she is suggesting she actually understands. I do believe a very small minority of people are 'stuck in the wrong body' for want of a better phrase but I don't think it's proportionate to the number of people including children that now profess to want to be the opposite sex/gender. I wonder how much of this is attention seeking to gain attention especially if she has a turbulent home life?

Just keep loving and supporting her, really. She has enough going on managing puberty, but life and school have piled on, it seems. I would say let her wear what she wants and listen attentively without judging, which I'm sure you've been doing all along. Some support with thinking for herself, resisting peer pressure, avoiding being caught up in fads wouldn't go amiss but tread warily or you could be shut out. Talk to her about labels and how unhelpful and constricting they can be.

See if she can articulate for you what it is she wants to do or be /avoid doing or being that she feels she can't as a girl.

If she's spending lots of time online, make sure you know where. She's much too young and vulnerable to be wandering the internet alone unsupervised!

The safest parental approach is watchful waiting. Try not to be bounced into medicalising anything but give her space to think and grow.

At 12 why is she allowed to read Japanese Anime porn?

To be fair of also be far more worried about the porn thing. She's 12 I think a lot of our namby pamby snowflakey parenting styles (how we're now encouraged to parent) are to blame for this. And inappropriate teachings in the name of 'education'. Its so rare that a human feels they're the wrong gender. It's a specialist area. I don't see why it's taught so main stream. Impressionable teenagers and pre teens are so vulnerable to succumbing to ideas. I do think awareness is good as it makes those individuals less a target for bullying and more accepted but it shouldn't be advertised as a choice to make for children. If parents were able to stop all this 'it's your choice darling. I'll support you' and be the parent e. G showing them exactly how mentally and physically gruelling transitioning is in a genuine case and all the lifelong battles of acceptance that lay ahead. How fertility is affected etc etc etc. God in my day it was dying your hair bleach blonde or getting your belly button pierced.....

Wait I’m confused. who’s reading Japanese porn?

Op are you the poster who was mad at your daughter for not crying sufficiently when you and your Mom were upset about your sister?

I think for now I'd go with "ok, we don't need to put labels on things but you can feel how you want" and leave it at that. Ultimately she's too young for anything more so I'd just try and accept she's feeling the need to push boundaries, be different, fit in, find herself.

Counselling is a good idea but be worth looking into general rather than just grief as there seems to be alot to unpack here

@Choice4567

Wait I’m confused. who’s reading Japanese porn?

Read the op

Also yes FFS remove the porn, surely it constitutes child abuse to allow her to access PORN. She's 12! Your grief is not an excuse for allowing your CHILD to access porn!!

@Choice4567

Wait I’m confused. who’s reading Japanese porn?

She's letting her 12 to read it

@Savourysenorita I did, that’s why I’m confused. Is it the daughter or the twin? OP seems remarkable unconcerned if it’s the 12 year old

she’s addicted to reading Japanese amine porn at 12 years old??

She is young and going through a very challenging time in her life, I wonder if her sexuality is just confusing her right now.
The fact that she doesnt want to present as a boy is I would have thought fairly unusual.
I have a son who likes to present as a girl but has never expressed a wish to transition.
The trans spectrum is huge and I'm no expert so maybe your daughter does fit in there somewhere.
My gut feeling though is that she is a little confused right now, as the previous poster suggested just go with it for now and see how it pans out.
Make she knows that you are there for her and are prepared to support her with what ever decisions she makes.
Counselling is definitely a good idea.

Sorry about the typos

@Savourysenorita extreme is an understatement, it’s vile, I’ve made her delete everything I was reading Judy Blume when I was 11 😂

@Hoppinggreen I agree with you it’s attention seeking but it’s just petrify me

she’s goes to all girls school we’re you’ve got a have a label whether it be bi, pan, trans

I'd change school.

This stuff is really dangerous. She's trying to peruse a path that could see her have her breasts removed by surgery and be in a chemically induced menopause by her late teens. What follows that is pain and possibly a hysterectomy.

I'd look into changing schools. Trans is the new anorexia for a lot of young girls. And it leads to life long physical damage.

I'd be pulling my DD out of this school ASAP. If the school is into this stuff, they'll socially transition her at school without even telling you, necessarily.

I think we over advertise counselling. I think it can set young people on the road to all this current 'navel gazey' way of thinking. Life throws up shit. Life is tough. And out there in the real world it gets even tougher. I'm not for one second suggesting counselling hasn't got its place. But for it to be an Instant 'go to' when fir example an aunt dies seems excessive and I worry it leads to teens getting stuck wallowing in their sadness. Firstly I'd have long talks and explanations at home and gauge how they feel. Grief is a normal process. I'd only employ counselling when that grief starts to cause problems longer term at school of in relationships or abnormal behaviour like self harm etc started creeping in. Not a dig at you op as your dd is displaying emotional issues but people are too quick imo to jump on kids with adult solutions rather than let them experience life's ups and downs. Resilience is an invaluable life lesson

@needanewidea

she’s goes to all girls school we’re you’ve got a have a label whether it be bi, pan, trans

I'd change school.

This stuff is really dangerous. She's trying to peruse a path that could see her have her breasts removed by surgery and be in a chemically induced menopause by her late teens. What follows that is pain and possibly a hysterectomy.

I'd look into changing schools. Trans is the new anorexia for a lot of young girls. And it leads to life long physical damage.

I'd be pulling my DD out of this school ASAP. If the school is into this stuff, they'll socially transition her at school without even telling you, necessarily.

I agree

I think you should start parenting your child.
And what everybody else said.

Also, what websites is she browsing? I'd get her offline as much as possible. I'd move ban her from using her phone in private and move her computer to a room where you can see what she's browsing - if she's been using it to watch anime porn, that's loss of computers in private.

This might sound extreme, but you're up against a cult and is has its claws in your DD.

Here's a powerful account of how much this stuff online can affect kids, from a teenage girl who went through this herself:

4thwavenow.com/2018/03/12/baptised-in-fire-a-relieved-desisters-story/

What activities does she do? Does she do anything that uses her body? Desisters (those who started down this road than changed their minds) sometimes talk about how it was finding an interest or having a change of circumstances that got them away from the computer screen, out into the world and using their body, helped them gain perspective and start living in their body not obsessing about hating it.

Why are you allowing this utter nonsense? You've allowed her to read extreme porn at 12? That's neglectful at bloody best

Also, lesbians are having it really tough at the moment. Being trans has a much higher social status than being lesbians, who are basically bottom of the pile. Detransitioned women often say they were same sex attracted but simply didn't know of any visible lesbians. They had no role models in society - everything was pushing them towards being trans.

This is a brilliant article, interviewing detransitioned women. It might help give some insights as to what your DD is going through:

medium.com/@barereality/the-detransitioners-72a4e01a10f9

Addicted to reading Japanese amine porn....age 12...WTAF??? no parental controls there then

I can't believe what I reading about the chilled attitude to bloody porn for a child?n

Can you please all get off the OP's case about the anime porn?

I highly doubt she said "hey, DD, here's some anime porn to look at" or thinks it's OK. She's already said she made her delete it all.

She's here asking for help and advice. Can we please help and advise her or shove off.

If you're just here to make yourself feel better for kicking someone else while they're down, could you please bog off and kick a picture of a kitten instead or something. It's really not helpful.

Where is she accessing her porn op?
Where is she getting the money if she's paying for it?

You seem very blasé about the fact you think she's addicted to porn. Oops you're looking at totes inapprops stuff darling, look Mummy has deleted it. All good!!