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Preteens

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Original poster

Argument with daughter

40 replies

John4433 · 02/09/2020 20:18

After an argument with my 12 year old daughter at 6.15pm last night she stormed out of the house.

Should I have chased after her or is it acceptable to wait for her to cool down and return when she was ready?

OP posts:
Timeforabiscuit · 02/09/2020 20:22

Chased after unless there are younger children in the house.

They don't assess or process risk at all well, add to that rage and hormones and it's a trouble cocktail.

hocuspocusbitch · 02/09/2020 20:22

I assume she hasn't returned? Do you know where she's been staying?

Original poster
John4433 · 02/09/2020 20:28

I think I would be contacting the police by now if she hadn't returned. She went to a neighbour who let me know of her whereabouts.

OP posts:
ChickenwingChickenwing · 02/09/2020 20:33

I wouldn't chase a 12 year old, no. Unless there is any risk not mentioned here.

MJMG2015 · 02/09/2020 20:45

Depends on a LOT of factors.

How is she today?

Original poster
John4433 · 02/09/2020 21:19

She is fine today apart from moaning about me to my wife who totally takes her side.

Daughter has split personality, 90% angelic, 10% temper tantrum 'monster'.

OP posts:
ChickenwingChickenwing · 02/09/2020 21:44

@John4433

She is fine today apart from moaning about me to my wife who totally takes her side.

Daughter has split personality, 90% angelic, 10% temper tantrum 'monster'.

The issue is not your daughter. It's your relationship.

Quartz2208 · 02/09/2020 21:48

Your daughter is 12 - you are pretty much describing any 12 year old girl going through puberty. The 10% is hormones she probably has little control over.

What is your part in this?

Itsrainingnotmen · 02/09/2020 21:51

A young girl was found dead local to me recently.
Please talk to her about a safer way to deal with things.. Streets now it's getting dark isn't ideal...

Wearywithteens · 02/09/2020 22:15

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

imissthesouth · 02/09/2020 23:16

I wouldn't be letting her have any privileges etc until she had apologised for her behaviour

ChickenwingChickenwing · 02/09/2020 23:39

@imissthesouth

I wouldn't be letting her have any privileges etc until she had apologised for her behaviour

We don't even know what that is.

Original poster
John4433 · 03/09/2020 07:53

@Wearywithteens

Your mistake was to ‘argue’ with a 12 year old. There are better ways to communicate with your child. It shouldn’t need to escalate to the point where she is escaping and putting herself at risk.
'argue' was shorthand for any time that a child gets angry/frustrated/upset and chooses to remove themselves from the situation.
OP posts:
Original poster
John4433 · 03/09/2020 07:56

@Quartz2208

Your daughter is 12 - you are pretty much describing any 12 year old girl going through puberty. The 10% is hormones she probably has little control over.

What is your part in this?

She has had temper tantrums for the past 10 years so not sure that puberty is a factor.
OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 03/09/2020 07:59

What was it about?

Original poster
John4433 · 03/09/2020 08:00

"we don't even know what that is"

Well leaving the house without my permission or telling me where she was going for a start.

OP posts:
Original poster
John4433 · 03/09/2020 08:05

@AlternativePerspective

What was it about?
I asked her and my son to help me unload the dishwasher.

My son cooperated but she was less helpful. When my son berated her for her attitude she became annoyed when I didn't jump to her support.

OP posts:
CatbearAmo · 03/09/2020 11:54

I wouldn't chase her. She removed herself from the situation to let off steam. You chasing her would have escalated the situation further. In the end you would have likely ended up physically restraining her to bring her back, or just stalking her down the street. Both of those things are not teaching good lessons about relationships.

Instead, when things are calmer, have a stern but reasonable conversation about finding a more suitable place to go to let off steam, like her bedroom. Explain running out of the house in future will be met with consequences and detail what they will be.

Does she have the right to go to her room when things are too much, and be left alone to calm down? She should.

Temper tantrums are just overwhelming emotions. As a parent you need to help her find healthy ways to resolve those emotions so that she can grow as a healthy adult and deal with emotions, that sometimes get the better of all of us.

Things to help tantrums in teenagers:

  1. Provide them with a safe space to go for time to calm down and don't encroach on that space
  2. Talk calmly after fights to discover the triggers. (In this case she probably felt ganged up on. What could you also do in future so she didn't feel that way, while also making sure she does her chores)
  3. Accept teenagers are going through a difficult time and will be moody sometimes. Nobody can walk through life like they are in a happy musical. It's more like les miserables for teens.
  4. Emphasize the absolute boundaries and don'ts. E.g leaving the house alone at night. Explain consequences to those actions
  5. Know your own triggers as a parent so you know yourself what might cause you to lose your own temper

An absolute don't list:

  1. React like an emotional teenager yourself
  2. Chase people down the street or use physical force to restrain them

Hope this helps. I was a very angry teenager myself. It's like being lost, you need adults to guide you, not chase you.

AlternativePerspective · 03/09/2020 12:07

At twelve having a temper tantrum and storming out of the house over not wanting to load the dishwasher is unacceptable.

And it’s not ok for a twelve year old to just decide she’s going out without speaking to her parent about it first. She is a child.

I wouldn’t have chased after her, but when she got back she would be told in no uncertain terms that her behaviour was not acceptable and she would be grounded and if necessary, other privileges removed.

it’s because so many people pander to their kids with “it’s just what kids do,” that they end up with these attitudes in the first place. People need to parent their children more.

Original poster
John4433 · 03/09/2020 14:36

Thank you @CatbearAmo and @AlternativePerspective very sensible comments.

OP posts:
Africa2go · 03/09/2020 14:43

In the minority here but there is no way I would let a 12 year old storm out of the house. Are you kidding? What would have happened if she hadn't have gone to a neighbours?

I personally I don't think that behaviour is typical of a 12 year old at all. Don't get me wrong, they can have their moments, but thats not normal or acceptable.

Spied · 03/09/2020 14:46

I'd have chased after her ( despite not being able to catch her).
I'd then have been pacing the house until she returned.

Spied · 03/09/2020 14:47
  • @Africa2go* My DD is younger and unfortunately I have had to chase her. Unfortunately it happens.
Spied · 03/09/2020 14:48

She is very 'normal'.

Africa2go · 03/09/2020 14:54

@Spied think we'll have to agree to disagree!