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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

Argument with daughter

40 replies

John4433 · 02/09/2020 20:18

After an argument with my 12 year old daughter at 6.15pm last night she stormed out of the house.

Should I have chased after her or is it acceptable to wait for her to cool down and return when she was ready?

OP posts:

ChickenwingChickenwing · 03/09/2020 14:56

In the minority here but there is no way I would let a 12 year old storm out of the house. Are you kidding? What would have happened if she hadn't have gone to a neighbours?

A NT typical 12 year old, with no mental health issues and you are worried about what would happen if she didn't go to a neighbours? When I was 12 I would have gone into town or to a friends house what do you think would happen?

Africa2go · 03/09/2020 16:20

@Chickenwing I'm guessing you're older than 12 and times have moved on

If she stormed out, she wouldn't have had a phone or money and I wouldn't want my 12 year old wandering round the streets if she was upset / emotional. The point is too that its not an appropriate reaction to an argument about unloading the dishwasher!

ChickenwingChickenwing · 03/09/2020 16:27

I'm guessing you're older than 12 and times have moved on

Of course I am, however 'times have moved on' really doesn't mean there is a risk to a 12 year old in these circumstances.

BluebirdHill · 03/09/2020 16:31

It seems like quite an extreme reaction to storm out and stay somewhere else for the night over the issue you describe. Has this been a bone of contention for a while? What's the back story here?

Coffeecak3 · 03/09/2020 16:32

@Africa2go it's a very typical response imo for 12 year old girls. I've done if myself 50 years ago.

Original poster

John4433 · 03/09/2020 17:04

@Africa2go how have things moved on?

When I was a kid there were still risks, ever heard of the Moors murders? But parents were less obsessed with perceived dangers.

When I was 13 I went to an away football match with a friend in a city 75 miles away and we survived unscathed.

OP posts:

Original poster

John4433 · 03/09/2020 17:06

@BluebirdHill

It seems like quite an extreme reaction to storm out and stay somewhere else for the night over the issue you describe. Has this been a bone of contention for a while? What's the back story here?

Who said anything about her being away for the night?

OP posts:

Original poster

John4433 · 03/09/2020 17:14

@bluebirdHill it is not practical to give a full history of her behaviour or our relationship but as I said in an earlier post she is 90% angelic and 10% temper tantrum - probably 95/5.

OP posts:

itsgettingweird · 03/09/2020 17:21

The thing with physically stopping her is it can escalate the situation.

A good way to defuse those situations before it escalates is when asked to help and she refuses

Just say something like "well ok, son and I will do half of it and you can do your half when your ready and then you'll be able to (have phone, WiFi or whatever she wanted instead"

So don't allow her to choose not to do it but give her some control over when. And don't get into argument over that! So if she comes back with "well I'm not" or "that's just stupid" or whatever keep calm and don't engage.

Be very calm when she asks for things that she can have it when she's done X (the job). So again keep it positive and not combative.

minnieok · 03/09/2020 17:28

Unless there's mitigating factors no I wouldn't run after a 12 year old. I had one dd that stormed out a lot, we managed to get her to at least take the (then) hyper active dog with her after dark. The good news is that it gets better, the bad news is that at 12 it will get worse first. sorry to be the bearer of bad news

Africa2go · 03/09/2020 17:30

OP, times are different than when most MNers were pre-teens because generally speaking, children are less independent. They're protected to a certain extent because as you accept, lots of parents are obsessed with perceived dangers. That means children are less "street wise" in my view, there is a lot more street crime - children mugged for bikes and mobiles etc.

You've posted asking for views, and I accept I'm in the minority, but I don't think its a normal reaction for a 12 year old and I wouldn't let her storm out of the house to simply wander off.

lightlypoached · 03/09/2020 19:18

Try reading Phillipa Perry's book 'the book you parents had read'. A refreshing take on parenting. It might help

Pinkyxx · 11/09/2020 20:49

This doesn't feel like a proportional reaction to the request made. I'd be concerned if my daughter (almost 12) reacted this. Slam doors, argue back, cool off in her room sure, but not storm out. I would not allow her to storm out and that wouldn't have to physically restrain her either. It's less a safety concern more this isn't a healthy reaction..

Sounds like she needs help to manage her emotions, which admittedly will be volatile at her age. Whether she's had tantrums or not in the past I think its important to realize at this age the reaction is likely not fueled by the same emotions as say that of of a 6 year old..

I'm wondering if the fact you & your wife aren't on the same page is part of the issue? Kids know they can manipulate parents who don't have a joined front - gives them power and control they aren't equipped to deal with...

jessstan2 · 11/09/2020 20:57

@John4433

She is fine today apart from moaning about me to my wife who totally takes her side.

Daughter has split personality, 90% angelic, 10% temper tantrum 'monster'.

Sounds quite normal for her age.

buildingbridge · 11/09/2020 21:04

A 12 year old storming out of the house is ridiculous. If you let her do that again, it will get worse as she gets older. She will be soon jetting off to another country altogether and you wouldn't know where she is. Be careful!!

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