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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

To let DDD12 go shopping alone

37 replies

The2Ateam · 13/12/2019 21:04

My DD has just turned 12.

We’ve just moved to a new area, she trying to make friends.

A girl in her class has asked her to go to the local shopping centre - just the two of them.

I immediately said no, she’s too young. She’s devastated.

What does everyone else think?

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 13/12/2019 21:06

Could you go to the shopping centre with them and spend the time in a coffee shop?

halcyondays · 13/12/2019 21:06

I don’t know any 12 year olds that aren’t allowed to go shopping with friends.

Waitingforadulthood · 13/12/2019 21:06

It very much depends on where you live, how responsible she is, how far it is etc. My 11yr old dd is allowed to town and the park/ and shopping with her mates but we live in a safe relatively small town, she has god tracking on her phone, and is very responsible

Smarshian · 13/12/2019 21:09

I absolutely think she’s old enough (as long as no additional needs and normal level of maturity).
At that age I was travelling 70 miles by bus and train alone to visit my dad.

Original poster
The2Ateam · 13/12/2019 21:11

We live in London, not inner - so relatively safe but shopping centre very busy.

She’s sensible but I feel she is so young!

I

OP posts:
titchy · 13/12/2019 21:11

God tracking Grin
Let her go. Drop them and pick them up if she's not used to public transport. Make sure her phone is charged and if it's a decent phone Make sure she's careful with it - be aware of pick pockets and moped thieves.

beautifulxdisasters · 13/12/2019 21:11

I was allowed at 11 when I started senior school.

Could you compromise and take them/collect them but allow them some freedom while in the centre, under the guise of being helpful?

titchy · 13/12/2019 21:12

She's much safer in a busy shopping centre than a very quiet one!

beautifulxdisasters · 13/12/2019 21:12

How does she get to school OP? Isn't she getting public transport there if you're London?

Original poster
The2Ateam · 13/12/2019 21:12

The consensus seems to be to let her go...

OP posts:
Doilooklikeatourist · 13/12/2019 21:12

I’m a bit surprised , I let my Dc go shopping with friends from age 10 ( I did give them strict instructions to meet me in 30 minutes in Game etc ) , and other mums stalked them too for the first couple of times
At 12 , surely they’re making their own way to school , clubs etc and should be capable of looking after themselves for a few hours in a shopping environment

StoorieHoose · 13/12/2019 21:13

Let her go. She is trying to make new friends and you should be facilitating this not hindering

beautifulxdisasters · 13/12/2019 21:14

I think you would be extremely overprotective to not let her go at all. Fair enough if you want to take her and pick up, but not letting her go round the shopping centre with her mate alone is massively babying her imo.

Ohyesiam · 13/12/2019 21:14

Both of mine were doing this At 12. Go through the rules and various scenarios with her ( losing her friend in a crowd, losing her money etc). Give her firm boundaries about time.

You could always realise that you have a few things you need and offer to drive them in.

What’s your worry in Particular?

xyzandabc · 13/12/2019 21:15

My 12 yr old got the bus to town (8miles) to meet her friend and mooch around for the 1st time this year. I wouldn't let her on her own but I can see where her phone is on Google maps and I knew friends mum was going to be in the town ( not with the girls though).

I think saying no straight away is a bit of a knees jerk reaction. Can you talk it through with her. What are your reservations? Being too young? Does she not travel to school independently? As it's her 1st time could you be around in the shopping centre, so not actually with them but maybe doing some shopping or getting s coffee?

If you are set on the fact that's she's too young, at what age will she be old enough?

nancy75 · 13/12/2019 21:15

Op similar to you, outer london suburb, big shopping centre (could be the same place!) Dd went with friends in year 6 so 10/11.
At first the mums went & sat in a coffee shop while kids went off for a hour or 2, by 12 they were able to go on their own.

Thestrangestthing · 13/12/2019 21:15

At 12 I was allowed to take a half an hour train ride to Glasgow to go shopping with friends, I don't think I would let my ds11 do that next year though. He is far too immature. Depends how responsible she is I suppose.

WLmum · 13/12/2019 21:16

My 12yo is allowed to catch the train into town for a couple of hours with a friend. It was hard at first but she wanted to and she's a good girl, and it's time for her develop more independence. Started with dropping her off, then got the train with them.
Like someone else said, you go and do your own shopping/browsing/coffee and agree to meet at set times.

bluebellation · 13/12/2019 21:17

Sounds fine to me. We moved house when DD2 was just 12. The day after we moved she announced she was going to get the bus to town. She didn't know the route but wanted to find out. I was a bit apprehensive but she sorted herself out and went off for the afternoon and met up with some friends. It's a learning curve and this is the age to let them spread their wings a bit.

chuck7 · 13/12/2019 21:19

Yeah I started at 11. I definitely would of been the of one out at school if I hadn’t been allowed. And this was to the uks biggest shopping centre nearly an hour away on the bus! Give her a chance op

8paws8legs · 13/12/2019 21:19

I agree with all the others most 11 year olds are given extra freedom as they mostly make their own way to school, our job as parents is to raise confident and independent adults who can face the big wide world without fear!

Original poster
The2Ateam · 13/12/2019 21:20

She’s just started getting the bus to
School. Not really sure what I’m scared of to be honest? I guess that something will happen to her.

OP posts:
nancy75 · 13/12/2019 21:27

I presume she has a phone? Let her go, sit yourself in a coffee shop in the shopping centre & tell her to text you after an hour. It’s hard to let them grow up but we have to do it ( I still have a moment of panic if I’m out with Dd & I lose sight of her for a minute - she’s 14!!)

Original poster
The2Ateam · 13/12/2019 21:36

Ok, she’s going😫 I’ll be loitering somewhere trying to be normal.

OP posts:
Besidesthepoint · 13/12/2019 21:39

My nephew had to travel alone for an hour by bus and train to the city to his school at that age.

Your job as a parent is to guide your children to become sensible self sufficient adults. You have 6 years left. Starting with her going to a safe shopping centre during the day with a friend is a good start.