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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Preteens

Daughter not invited to party/s. What do I say to her?

103 replies

SchoolMum66 · 20/09/2019 23:11

My 7 year old daughter is very upset as she was the only girl in her class not invited to a party. This is not the first time for both my daughters. My daughters are pretty 'normal'. The older sister, 9, does have mild social awkwarness issues, so this might be expected (though not nice). But my 7 yr old is very good socially, kind, friendly, plays easily with everyone. Our school parent body does suffer from terrible 'cliquiness' (is that a word??) with lots of social climbers/try hards. I am not in the 'clique' so expect a certain amount of snobbery and have to be thick skinned (that's life). But this is not fair on my daughters! And very crushing for them. So my question is...there are only so many times you can say "Oh there were probably limited spaces etc" (which isn't nice anyway as not nice to be the one who is left out). Any other suggestions of what to say to my daughters? I don't want their self esteem completely crushed :(

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BackforGood · 21/09/2019 00:06

I don't get how they'd even know this.
I only ever knew of a party if one of my dc were invited to it.

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minesadecaf · 21/09/2019 06:41

I'd say to the parent "is there a particular reason why dd wasn't invited?" Then watch them squirm.

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LindaLa · 21/09/2019 07:15

Why do you want to be "that" parent?

Your daughter will not be invited to everything, regards of how lovely you believe she is.
Sorry but if you ask awkward questions about this you'll give your daughter a reputation of moaning just like her mother.
We didn't invited whole class (around half) as they were friends she saw outside school but one mother questioned me and then made the teacher question me and my dd.

Everyone had secret parties from then on and her dd wasn't included in anything due to her actions.

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MarieG10 · 21/09/2019 07:19

@BackforGood They all know as kids all talk and more often the invites are handed out at school. I get a party where some are invited as it is numbers limited but the class of girls minus your daughter is somewhat cruel unless they really dislike each other.

I'm so glad I'm past the primary playground mafia bit. Some 'It' mothers are just horrendous. Stood there in their designer gym kit, SUVs etc gossiping and bitching about people and their precious doll like kids taking after them.

What I did find entertaining is that despite all of this, I once was involved with a client which involved access to financial information which has involved a couple of the IT wives! Their finances were absolutely shot to pieces. Living on loans, credit etc. Just made me smile that not only were they false to people, their whole lifestyle was.

I say this only to give you some comfort that bastards like her are not all they seem but I would agree with fronting her up and asking her in front of other mothers to embarrass her

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InDubiousBattle · 21/09/2019 07:32

I can't imagine for one minute how fronting up and embarrassing another parent will make them more likely to invite your dd. I think you need to think about the real reason your dd's aren't invited to parties. If she's sociable, kind etc why isn't she invited?

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LindaLa · 21/09/2019 07:43

Imagine for a minute being the parent of an invitee overhearing another parent calling out birthday party parent.
Would it make you always want to invite their child?
Regardless of how your child feels or spaces or cost?
Nope? Didn't think so.

My children weren't invited to everything and they were ok.
They know that you can't go to everything.
Educate this life skill rather than bully her way in.

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Wildorchidz · 21/09/2019 07:47

My children weren't invited to everything and they were ok.

Were they the only children not invited?

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icontrolthebullshitnow · 21/09/2019 07:51

If this is happening repeatedly then I would delve a little deeper into how your daughter presents at school.

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TalentedMsRipley · 21/09/2019 07:53

You need to care less. Don't sweat the tiny stuff.

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Iggly · 21/09/2019 07:55

First of all I would check whether you’re right.

Second of all, you can’t really expect your dd to be invited to everything but some people are petty about these things.

Just work on building your DD’s friendships with play dates.

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Happyspud · 21/09/2019 07:55

That’s just mean and unkind. Some people are so shitty OP.

I’d tell her that this sort of thing always happens and she’s unlucky this time to be the one not going but that she’s fab, and tough and great company so would she come on swimming, dinner and cinema date with me instead and the other kids can stuff themselves.

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LindaLa · 21/09/2019 07:56

@Wildorchidz

I wouldn't know.
Wouldn't have occurred to me to find out.

Would you be fine with someone questioning who you are inviting to your child's party?
Do you really want your child having a pity invite?

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MsTSwift · 21/09/2019 07:58

Are you sure she’s the only girl not invited? If so that is unkind and I would want to speak to the teacher to see if there is a wider issue if this keeps happening.

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Shopkinsdoll · 21/09/2019 07:59

I don’t understand the posts that think it’s ok not to invite just one girl from the class. People on mm can be so heartless. I feel for your daughter and find disgusting the parents have done this. Yes I would ask. Just casually. Hi there I see your daughter is having a party. Can I ask why my daughter is the only girl now invited? Anyway if I was you, take her out for the day with another friend so it keeps her busy. 💐💐

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Happyspud · 21/09/2019 08:00

@LindaLa, you’re very cold😢 Have you let your kids single out some small child in the past with their party?

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Shopkinsdoll · 21/09/2019 08:00

Yes speak to the teacher good answer x

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Teateaandmoretea · 21/09/2019 08:00

think you need to think about the real reason your dd's aren't invited to parties. If she's sociable, kind etc why isn't she invited?

Oh drop the mn mantra that clearly the OP's at fault. Anyone who would invite all the girls in the class except for 1 has clearly either accidentally missed one or is an arse. In the absence of bullying or a real issue between them (which the OP would know about)

Are you absolutely sure they were all invited OP because surely at 7 whole class parties are rare?

For non class parties the number you are invited to isn't some kind of competition although you can just see the try-harders promoting their dc do they are 'popular' from about 2. Presumably this is the case with the above comment.

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ThorosOfMyr · 21/09/2019 08:01

Not sure that you can say anything more I'm afraid. I had this with DD1 who started to not be invited from age 7 for some of the girls parties etc. So she was invited to some but often not to girls parties who she felt she got on with really well so would come home asking where her invite was, or had I had a message from so and so's mum asking her to the party. It's heart breaking saying that she hasn't been invited but I said and did all the same things. DD just had to learn to cope with it. Funnily enough by year 6 she was mostly invited. Anyway for her she's moved onto secondary now. DD2 has a different (seem to gel much better) class and generally gets invited to most things.

You cannot ask the other parents why though. That's madness! Although leaving one girl out is terribly unkind and I never let my girls do that. It's either all the girls or half/a few.

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Bobbybobbins · 21/09/2019 08:02

It is not nice if your daughter is the only girl not invited. However I wouldn't challenge the parents on it as I don't think it will help. As a pp has suggested, if this has happened a few times it might be worth asking teacher how she is getting on socially at school. Does she do any activities where she could make friends?

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Shopkinsdoll · 21/09/2019 08:03

LindaLa
God that’s heartless! I hope your child’s never left out.

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Ifeellikedoing · 21/09/2019 08:03

I wouldn’t make excuses for this. I think 7 year olds see through them.

Just say you don’t know why these sorts of things happen and you’re sorry that she feels left out. But this is just something that happens to everyone sometimes and she will get invited to some parties. And then start planning some events that she can invite friends to.

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lovemenorca · 21/09/2019 08:05

How do you know that every girl invited in the class??

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Mintjulia · 21/09/2019 08:05

You could hold a party and invite everyone. Your daughters would enjoy it, it would help build bridges and friendships. And people would be more likely to invite your dsd in return.

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Mintjulia · 21/09/2019 08:05

Dds not dsd

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itsabongthing · 21/09/2019 08:06

@LindaLa your response is unnecessarily unkind and harsh.
Fgs the OP wasn’t suggesting she would be ‘that’ parent. She wasn’t suggesting she approach the other parents - she came on here asking for advice about what to say to her daughter
It’s really annoying me lately that some people are so quick to jump on the OP and put words in their mouth or make assumptions about them.

OP I’m sorry I don’t have any helpful suggestions but know how painful this is. It can seem worse than it is though. Perhaps she isn’t the only one not invited (how can you be sure?)

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