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Preteens

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Original poster

Daughter not invited to party/s. What do I say to her?

103 replies

SchoolMum66 · 20/09/2019 23:11

My 7 year old daughter is very upset as she was the only girl in her class not invited to a party. This is not the first time for both my daughters. My daughters are pretty 'normal'. The older sister, 9, does have mild social awkwarness issues, so this might be expected (though not nice). But my 7 yr old is very good socially, kind, friendly, plays easily with everyone. Our school parent body does suffer from terrible 'cliquiness' (is that a word??) with lots of social climbers/try hards. I am not in the 'clique' so expect a certain amount of snobbery and have to be thick skinned (that's life). But this is not fair on my daughters! And very crushing for them. So my question is...there are only so many times you can say "Oh there were probably limited spaces etc" (which isn't nice anyway as not nice to be the one who is left out). Any other suggestions of what to say to my daughters? I don't want their self esteem completely crushed :(

OP posts:
Ohyesiam · 21/09/2019 10:42

You’re post was clear, people do like to be unkind.
I said to dd in a similar situation that I believed it was because the mum didn’t like me.
It was shorthand for” the mum is a social climber and I don’t fit in her criterion of a useful acquaintance “, which was true in my case , and sounds true in yours.

It probably depends on what kind of child you have, I knew dd wouldn’t go and parrot that back at anyone, and it settled her confusion/upset somewhat.

CassianAndor · 21/09/2019 10:52

This to me highlights the problem with small schools, the friendship pool is minute.

It sounds extremely pointed and pretty mean.

milksoffagain · 21/09/2019 11:04

I think I would try to minimise the hurt but not dismiss it with my daughter. And then going forward, in time invite all the girls in her class to my house for fun pizza and movie night. You can get to know them and see how the dynamics work and they get to know you. Lots and lots of strategic inviting children over should increase her social confidence.

BTW I can imagine exactly how you feel. Poor DD.

yulet · 21/09/2019 11:34

Linda, you sound horrible. I can't believe you all conspired to do that to a child and exclude her. Seriously, that's borderline evil right there.

Shopkinsdoll · 21/09/2019 12:02

yulet
Totally agree. Prob a small smelly bald guy sitting behind a computer trolling lol 😂

Teateaandmoretea · 21/09/2019 12:04

Having read your update OP if she's 7 and being excluded by the 5 other girls I'd move her to a bigger school. I'm guessing that isn't possible though

donquixotedelamancha · 21/09/2019 12:22

And by the way, I do know that she is the only person not invited (as has happened before, to sister also) as it is a very small school and there are only 6 girls in her class.

So one girl had a small event for 4 other girls? Not a whole class party?

I think I would try to minimise the hurt but not dismiss it with my daughter. And then going forward, in time invite all the girls in her class to my house for fun pizza and movie night.

This.

Why can't people cut the crap about "are you sure she's the sociable girl you think she is".

There are a lot of threads where someone does not want to invite a child who has bullied theirs. Our school has a girl like this who gets excluded a lot. We invite her but I see why some don't.

Not saying this is the case, but I think it's reasonable to ask whether OP needs to investigate how DD us doing in school.

NotGreenNotKeen · 21/09/2019 12:26

What a shit parent (party girls parent not you). To invite all and single out your dd is disgusting. No wonder she's crushed. At that age to! I'd move schools as it sounds like bullying to me. They're basically teaching their dd it's OK to do shit like this when it's not. If this happened in an office it's definitely classed as bullying.

LindaLa · 21/09/2019 12:38

@yulet and @Shopkinsdoll

Thanks.

I'm just someone that would never even dream of forcing somebody to invite my child because I want to save precious little Penelope's feelings when it's more likely the parents "how dare they not invite my child, they are adorable".
It's not her party.

Yes she is upset but so is every child who doesn't get invited.

What was everyone supposed to do?
Invite her and have somebody here who your child doesn't want there?
Just because mummy kicked off?
A pity invite?
Does that make it better? Instead teach your child that not everything is handed to them.

Yes it hurts when everyone else is invited but that's life.

CassianAndor · 21/09/2019 12:46

It’s a good thing that the OP has repeatedly made its clear that she’s not going to do that, then, isn’t it Linda. Or can’t you read her posts? You’re just coming across as dense as well as mean, you know.

Shopkinsdoll · 21/09/2019 12:54

My son had a class party last year. 25 in his class. There are 2 girls in the class who he doesn’t like. But I teach my kids about other people’s feelings and how would they feel about being left out. So my son invited these two girls. It’s unfair not too.

LindaLa · 21/09/2019 12:55

@CassianAndor

Was talking about the situation I had. Was talking about the child whose mother would get the school involved to get an invite to my child's party.

Who would insist on being told in the playground why her child wasn't invited.

So not dense but thanks for that. Classy.

Lots of people on here are suggesting that op talks to school and/or party parent. That is what I was responding to.

Op needs to explain that life is harsh sometimes. As I've said over and over.

LindaLa · 21/09/2019 12:57

@Shopkinsdoll

You made your son invite two people he didn't like to his birthday?

Seriously? On his birthday?

yulet · 21/09/2019 13:03

Evil.

Shopkinsdoll · 21/09/2019 13:11

Yes LindaLa
Because I teach my children about people’s feelings and as I said not leave others out. It was a class party at the soft play. My kids will grow up kind, with empathy and know how to respect others. It wouldn’t be fair to only leave two little children out of the whole class. How is that a bad thing? Even on his birthday. I think your fishing for comments here. I feel for your kids having a heartless clown of a mother. Jog on

soulrunner · 21/09/2019 13:19

I tell my dc they can invite all the class or less than half the class ( if half they can invite friends from sports clubs etc too and so they tend to do this). Or not have a party. Their choice.

Leaving out one child other than in exceptional circumstances is just mean and unnecessary.

LindaLa · 21/09/2019 13:28

@Shopkinsdoll @yulet

Graceful bow to your very kind compliments. Thanks ever so.

My children are confident, capable and have a wide range of friends. They are also safe in the knowledge that their mother has not and will not force them to involve people they don't like in their plans just so a self righteous mother can polish her hypocritical halo.

I keep away from cliques and ensure my children have a wide circle so they don't solely depend on school friends because that's kind of sad.

This has to be a joke, I hope for your children it is.

Shopkinsdoll · 21/09/2019 14:05

LindaLa
Bring your children up the way you please. I’m sure they are happy and confident. But if you think it’s fair to exclude one little child out of a party. I feel for your children later on in life as your not teaching them properly. Hope they don’t grow up as hard faced as you my dear!

yulet · 21/09/2019 14:58

I judge you hugely and couldn't care less what you think about your own parenting - you sound like such thoroughly selfish person that I don't rate your opinion.

Being part of society means teaching your kids to be friendly to the children they don't particularly like either.

SimplyBeBlythe · 21/09/2019 15:12

Times like this I’m glad my ds is the type to only want ‘best friends and a pizza’ type parties.
I know how hard it can be to leave one person out - last year my Friend had a party for her 6 year old and as it was a joint party with a classmate they decided to invite the whole class. One boy was a nightmare from start to finish. Rude, badly behaved etc. Of course, the kids want a joint party again this year and my friend doesn’t want to leave one out but also doesn’t want him to spoil things again.
As for the OP, has your dd got friends outside of school? It must be very hard to be in such a small school bless her.

Rachelover60 · 21/09/2019 15:19

Don't say anything to your daughters because if you did, they would consider it a big deal and it isn't. I doubt very much that parents would exclude just one child.

What you say about other parents, snobbery etc, is quite awful. Why get involved with them, let alone form opinions about them. All I did when mine was at school was take and pick up or dad and grandparents did same. There was no need to get into conversation with others, I knew some because of them inviting and I did the same sometimes but wasn't going to be one of those mothers who gossips outside the school. I went to work and had conversation there.

donquixotedelamancha · 21/09/2019 15:24

My kids will grow up kind, with empathy and know how to respect others....I feel for your kids having a heartless clown of a mother.

LMAO.

MsTSwift · 21/09/2019 16:50

Everybody likes to think their own kids are kind paragons me included but are they really? You are not there in the playground are you?

CountFosco · 22/09/2019 07:20

You made your son invite two people he didn't like to his birthday?

Seriously? On his birthday?

I've done this before. I don't like all class parties and we never had them but one year DD1 wanted to invite all the girls but one. I am friends with this child's mother and knew she'd been struggling socially at school. So I told DD1 she had to invite X. I was very clear that it was mean to exclude X and that since DD1 was popular she should set a good example to the others in her class and include X.

opinionminion · 22/09/2019 07:40

Are you absolutely sure everyone else is invited ? Or is this what your has daughter told you ?
There is a major difference here.
My daughter used to say things like "but everyone has an iPhone apart from me" and "everybody is going to the cinema to watch" - I knew full well everybody wasn't doing everything !!!

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