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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

Daughter not invited to party/s. What do I say to her?

103 replies

SchoolMum66 · 20/09/2019 23:11

My 7 year old daughter is very upset as she was the only girl in her class not invited to a party. This is not the first time for both my daughters. My daughters are pretty 'normal'. The older sister, 9, does have mild social awkwarness issues, so this might be expected (though not nice). But my 7 yr old is very good socially, kind, friendly, plays easily with everyone. Our school parent body does suffer from terrible 'cliquiness' (is that a word??) with lots of social climbers/try hards. I am not in the 'clique' so expect a certain amount of snobbery and have to be thick skinned (that's life). But this is not fair on my daughters! And very crushing for them. So my question is...there are only so many times you can say "Oh there were probably limited spaces etc" (which isn't nice anyway as not nice to be the one who is left out). Any other suggestions of what to say to my daughters? I don't want their self esteem completely crushed :(

OP posts:

Answerthequestion · 21/09/2019 09:19

It's a terrible answer. Teachers are not there to regulate parties and who gets invited. That is an issue for parents and children. NOT teachers

Actually if she is the only girl excluded then there may be a genuine reason why this has happened and it may be an issue in school so I absolutely think asking the teacher if there’s anything going on is an important step.

SnuggyBuggy · 21/09/2019 09:21

@OtraCosaMariposa, I didn't mean speak to the teacher about the party, I just meant speak to the teacher just to see if there are any general friendship/social issues going on that they've noticed.

crimsonlake · 21/09/2019 09:25

It is cruel when this happens to your child and as a parent you are naturally upset for them. However it would be out of place to challenge that parent. Instead you need to make light of it to your daughter, build her resilience and plan something nice for you both to do together that day.

bengalcat · 21/09/2019 09:25

If you have a whole class party then all kids should be invited

ChickenyChick · 21/09/2019 09:27

This used to happen to my son. He had all kinds of social, emotional, issues.

I changed schools in the end, and there were more kids like him in the new school (very “uncool” and geeky) and he had 3 friends, who’d invite him. At the previous school he had 1 friend.

Sometimes you are just unlucky with the the peergroup.

That is what I always told DS: you just need to find your “tribe”

Secondary school is better for that btw but that is still a long time off for you

Original poster

SchoolMum66 · 21/09/2019 09:40

Hi, Me again. Not sure if I explained myself properly. I am just looking for suggestions of what to say to my 7 yr old daughter so she doesn't feel like there is something wrong with HER / rejected /crushed self esteem. It's not because of her in any way, it's a snobbery thing with the parents.
I have no intention of saying anything to the parents.
Thank you to those who gave me some helpful suggestions. Any more suggestions welcome.
And by the way, I do know that she is the only person not invited (as has happened before, to sister also) as it is a very small school and there are only 6 girls in her class.

OP posts:

Pringlesfortea · 21/09/2019 09:43

My son was at a very small school,lots of parents knew each other from playgroup ,they all joined the pta .it was the parents of the girls ,one poor girl was always left out ..glad I’m out of it ,
It’s probably not going to get any better ,perhaps look at a larger school with more chance for friends

LindaLa · 21/09/2019 09:47

@Shockers

Yes.
If someone has form for questioning why wasn't my child invited then a 'secret' party would happen.

Her mother would insist on staying if/when her daughter got invited to a party. Not good and embarrassing for all, especially her daughter.

NoneButOurselves · 21/09/2019 09:48

OP your post was very clear.

It's awful to leave one girl out. All you can do is stay calm and affirming for her, and get support for yourself so that you can do this (because yes, we're adults and it's a child's party .... but it's easy to feel sad when your child is left out, however mature 😄). Hopefully this pattern will change in a year or two.

MsTSwift · 21/09/2019 09:53

Is there the opportunity to change schools? My friends dd only one not invited repeatedly they moved her and she’s much happier.
Tbh I am really wary of these tiny “idyllic” village schools went to one myself. Much prefer a big class with a deep friendship pool and lots of other options. Only 6 girls in a class sounds a nightmare tbh.

combatbarbie · 21/09/2019 09:53

OP your update makes it even worse, poor DD. This is proper bitchy. I just tell mine that you can't be invited to everything.

But with those numbers I would mention it to school, that is classed as exclusion

LindaLa · 21/09/2019 10:03

Wow! Some of these responses.

Changing school is ridiculous!

OP, don't make this bigger than it is.

Tell your daughter that she is not invited, you don't know why but she's not. Maybe the birthday child isn't as close as your daughter thinks she is.

The whole class is not against her.

Play it down. The more upset you are, teaches her how to react.

It's just a party.

SoonerthanIthought · 21/09/2019 10:09

Op re what to say to dd, it is a difficult line. Yes you want to some extent to be bright and breezy but at the same time you want you and her to acknowledge her feelings rather than deny them .

And, there is another thread at the moment about the benefits of allowing your dc to learn that it is not ok for friends to treat them badly, and to move on to new friends when that happens. So sometimes saying "it's fine for you to be left out" may be teaching them to accept being treated badly. (Depends on the circs - if it's not a close friend and only 2 or 3 are invited, then obviously it's fine!)

Maybe along the lines of "ouch that 's not that nice, but these things happen - let's arrange a meet-up with [insert name of family friend dc/cousin/non school friend]". In this case moving on to new friends may not be the easy answer (in fact it rarely is!) because there are only 6 or 7 in the class - you can't easily ditch one person. Is moving to a larger school a possibility - sorry if this is an impractical or useless suggestion!

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 21/09/2019 10:10

Anyone who would invite all the girls in the class and leave one out is an awful person and no doubt their child will be just as awful if they are taught that it's acceptable to treat people this way. Why on earth supposed adults allow this to happen is beyond me.

OP, does your youngest daughter normally get invited to class parties? If so then I doubt it's a friendship or behavioural issue in general. I would try and make it clear to her that this is about the other child, this is not how kind people behave. On the day make sure the two of you do something fun to take her mind off the party if you can.

Beamur · 21/09/2019 10:14

How mean to leave out just one. Your poor DD.
I agree with the posters who have suggested she needs a wider circle of friends outside school if this keeps happening.
It's not such a crazy idea to consider changing schools if this group is so set and impenetrable. She might find it easier to make friends in a bigger class.
My DD also went to an 'idyllic' village school but small classes have their pros and cons.
What to say? I'd be gently honest. I'd emphasise with her for feeling a bit sad and left out. Don't try and explain why as you're guessing and you don't want to create more of a rift or drama out of it. Just say I don't know why you're not invited. But I would say instead, let's not dwell on it and let it be a problem, lets plan something nice to do instead, just the two of us (or with others, whatever she likes best) and distract her with a nice activity instead.

Beamur · 21/09/2019 10:15

Bloody auto correct. Not emphasise, empathise! She is allowed to feel a bit hurt.

Shopkinsdoll · 21/09/2019 10:21

LindaLa
Oh shut up, just keep your heartless comments to yourself. I hope it’s never your children on the receiving end. Your tiring everyone with your so called advice that no one wants to listen too.

BykerBykerOoh · 21/09/2019 10:22

I’m sorry OP. It’s disgusting behaviour to leave out a single child from the class. I think you can be honest with your daughter that it is a very unkind thing to do and people don’t always realise how cruel it is to leave someone out.

I was going to suggest that if you had arrived at the school later than others to check you were on the class list. It doesn’t seem like that’s possible though with such a small group.

Shopkinsdoll · 21/09/2019 10:23

What a shame that’s makes it worse with the small amount of girls in the class. I feel for her. My daughter has been excluded by neighbour kids, I know not the same but it’s horrible to watch your child go through this. x

Beamur · 21/09/2019 10:28

LindaLas advice isn't bad though. Don't make a big deal of this.
This isn't a big deal for some parents. Whilst it feels quite shocking to be on the receiving end of this and it feels unkind, to a certain extent your DD is not owed an invitation and the girl having the party can invite who she wants.

youarenotkiddingme · 21/09/2019 10:30

Why can't people cut the crap about "are you sure she's the sociable girl you think she is".

I can assure you when you are a parent of a child with social awkwardness you know it. My ds has asd and often wasn't invited. He had not a nasty bone in his body - never has done. But he's not part of social groups. Therefore as much as it hurt that he often wasn't invited I understood why his name didn't come up. But I don't think he was ever the only person in class not invited iyswim?

If they've invited all girls bar one then there may be parent politics at play. I rarely graced the school playground as I worked FT. But I graced it and assemblies and school fairs enough to know I was great full neither ds nor I were interested in that type of game.

LindaLa · 21/09/2019 10:31

@Shopkinsdoll

What do you mean?
How is it heartless?
It's life and life is harsh.

Confused on how telling a child that they can't be invited to everything is heartless.
Of course my children have missed out on invites, everyone has!
Sometimes you don't make the cut, deal with it.

If you force an invite and then accept, is it going to be an enjoyable experience for all? Probably not.

How you tell your child is the important part, explaining to them that the birthday child can invite who they want and unfortunately that's not you. However, you get to invite who you want to yours.

youarenotkiddingme · 21/09/2019 10:34

Linda she's 1 girl out of 6 in the class not invited. And it seems not for the first time. However much you play it down that is going to have an effect on a child. You can't avoid human nature and emotion.

ANYONE who was always the one left out was suffer with self esteem.

AzraiL · 21/09/2019 10:35

OP you mentioned that the parents were all cliquey, social climbing try hards... could it be that the parents don't have a problem with your kids, but have one with you instead, and your kids are being caught up in it?

Not trying to be nasty, just trying to figure out why both daughters would be excluded like that. Could it be possible that the parents have perhaps sensed that you think of them this way?

LindaLa · 21/09/2019 10:42

@youarenotkiddingme

She's the only one out of six or one out of six girls didn't invite her.

That's also how you can play it.

Unless everyone of those girls has had a party and not invited her then there is no issue I can see.

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