Daughter not invited to party/s. What do I say to her?

[SchoolMum66]

My 7 year old daughter is very upset as she was the only girl in her class not invited to a party. This is not the first time for both my daughters. My daughters are pretty 'normal'. The older sister, 9, does have mild social awkwarness issues, so this might be expected (though not nice). But my 7 yr old is very good socially, kind, friendly, plays easily with everyone. Our school parent body does suffer from terrible 'cliquiness' (is that a word??) with lots of social climbers/try hards. I am not in the 'clique' so expect a certain amount of snobbery and have to be thick skinned (that's life). But this is not fair on my daughters! And very crushing for them. So my question is...there are only so many times you can say "Oh there were probably limited spaces etc" (which isn't nice anyway as not nice to be the one who is left out). Any other suggestions of what to say to my daughters? I don't want their self esteem completely crushed :(

I've never understood leaving out a single child from a party- regardless of numbers. If there were ten spaces and eleven girls, I'd pay for the extra. Only inviting a few- different, that's life but excluding juts one child from a cohort seems shitty to me.

@Happyspud

Am I cold?
I'd ask them who they wanted to invite and we'd invite them.

It's their party!?

OP, how do you know she's the only girl not invited?
Has your daughter told you this?
Who told her? Probably some other girl that wasn't invited but she knew your daughter would complain.

I'd be tempted to have a discreet word with the teacher in case there is anything going on that you don't know about.

Other than that I think all you can do is try not to create drama. The cliquey mums sound nasty.

I know how you feel op. My first was invited to all of the parties. My second child, hardly any. Its painful when they ask why? I just say that their mum can't afford for everyone to go. Its gotten to the point now where I dont think its fair to have a big party where they're all invited, when mine isn't. So I've started taking her out for the day instead.

Are you sure she’s the only girl not invited? I say this because my kids would frequently tell me things like this and I’d find out that actually a whole loaf of them weren’t invited. I would check that first. If there are a few nit invited then such is life and she has to accept she can’t be invited to everything

If it’s true she’s the only girl not invited then I think it’s worth finding out if there’s more to the story and if there’s an issue between the girls which you don’t know about and I would ask the teacher to investigate that a bit more

@Shopkinsdoll

How is it heartless?
My children accepted that they won't be invited to everything and that they can invite who they like to their party.

Couldn't even imagine forcing an invite from someone.

My son had a birthday sleepover recently and invited 3 friends. Two parents from school contacted me to ask why their darling child hadn't been invited. I received the most emotionally manipulative messages, telling me they would no longer be my friend!! Anyway the only thing their message achieved was to guarantee that their child will never be invited for a sleepover. So don't be that parent.

However also make sure it is a whole class party and not a misunderstanding of the size of the event.

Are you sure she's the only girl not invited? If this does keep happening I would possibly have a quiet word with the teacher to see if something is going on in class. If it's a one off maybe she doesn't get on with the birthday girl?

Leaving one child out is plain horrible op.
I would also investigate more deeply to see if there are bullying issues at school too, and speak to the teacher.

To deal with this, some of these suggestions may help:

• Ensure dds have plenty of friends outside school, therefore you will not be dependent on the very fickle school environment for your child's social life. This tends to become more important as they get older. Arrange lots of playdates and days out with local friends. Your dd can attend clubs and hobbies to meet friends outside of school.

• Organise your own girls sleepover/party and fun at your house with school friends, so that your child is involved and invited to others people's events. Are you already doing this op?

• Seasonal parties work well for halloween or christmas etc too

• Take your child out on the day of the party, you do not need to tell her she is not invited simply that you are too busy to attend.

• Protect her self esteem by ensuring that school is for learning not for popularity contests. We choose our friends carefully and although it is important to get along with the children in class, they may not end up life long friends.

Just tell her to focus on the friends she has and give her things to look forward to with them like sleeping over etc.

There are simple rules of decency for birthday parties, You either go small with friends only or whole class. The only exception is if a child had been actively unpleasant to yours in which case I think it is fine to not invite them.

As to how you deal with it, it is not easy. Personally I would have a fantastic birthday party for my child at a go-to attraction and not repay the favour. However, that is probably not the most mature response!

I would ask the parent why your child has not been invited in terms of whether there are issues between the children and if you can help sort them out.

Ostracism is bullying and not allowed in the workplace, so it should certainly have no place among 7 year olds. I personally think ‘friends only’ smaller parties is the way to go and avoids the whole issue.

Are you absolutely sure she's the only girl in the class not invited? I'd take the word of a 7yo with a pinch of salt about that and just say 'oh well, you couldn't go anyway because we're doing X'. Life is busy, we've never had a party when all the invitees have been able to come so not being invited is really not a big deal because others won't have been to the party even if they were invited.

Is it an all-girls school? If so it's a bit out of order to leave one child out.

Leaving one girl out of a class of 30 (of whom there might be only 8 or 10 girls, so

really only a small party of the host's close friends) is quite different. Also, parent probably doesn't know the ratio of boys to girls in the class so won't realise one is missing.

Were the classes swapped around at the start of year 3? In which case OP's daughter may not know the host very well at all.

I would try to avoid doing it myself as I think it's a bit thoughtless and unkind but I can see how it happens. I know all the kids in my DD (aged 7) class by sight so would realise if she gave me a list of kids leaving one or one girl out, but my friend has only done perhaps 10 drop offs / collections due to work since the girls started school together so wouldn't have a clue. If it's accidental / thoughtless there is probably an explanation like this.

I wouldn't go calling anyone out about it. No one should have to have anyone they really don't want at their party, and like it oe not the OP's child could be a bit mean to the host or something.

I've found that Y2/3 is the breakaway from class parties to more intimate parties of 8-10 kids to do activities rather than soft play for example.

But say for example if there are 11 girls and only 9 invited + birthday girl makes 10 then I do think that is pretty petty and bitchy. If it was a mix of boys and girls, no problem.

Yes kids can invite who they want but if OPs child is normal, not a bully etc then as the parent this is the time to teach children about emotions..... Pretty sure birthday girl would be upset if at next party she's only one not invited.

Not sure about other schools but ours frowns upon exclusion in circumstances like this and have in the past returned invites to the parents to hand out outside of school and do tell them why. More often than not inclusivity is then mentioned in next school update.

In this instance I would do a little digging with a friend of the parent - e.g. DD tells me she's the only girl not invited to X's party.... surely she's mistaken. Lol. - at this point the friend will usually fill you in with no- only X kids are going or tell you the whole class was invited. You can then either explain to your daughter or catch the birthday parent to discuss. Most parents are really reasonable and wouldn't leave out just 1 kid.

Lindala,

You clearly lack empathy.

Imagine all your workmates were going out for a Friday evening drink/leaving party and you were the ONLY one left out; they were excitedly chatting about it all day and what fun it was going to be.

Would you really not care?!

I'd say don't repeat don't ask the dparents - no good can come of it! I would speak to the teacher and ask if she's observed any problems, in case there's anything you're not aware of and dd's being excluded more generally - though it sounds as though that's not the case. It may well be a case of limited spaces, although it's very hurtful when you're the only one. I do know of one school that, after a few incidences of just one class member being left out, wrote to all dparents saying that this was unacceptable.

A pp asked how op knew about the party - some dc and parents are very adept at telling others, or more charitably don't really understand why they shouldn't.

@larrygrylls

Nope. Wouldn't care.

Where does it end?

You going to question secondary schools and governors about why she didn't get in?
Universities?

Job interviews?

It's party FFS! 2-3 hours tops!
Not a life altering event!

Have a simple pizza and movie party, and invite the kids (girls and boys) that your daughter is friends with. Maybe they'll reciprocate.

Goodness me Linda - I'm trying hard not to be as unpleasant as you but what's rattled your cage this morning?
Your earlier post was unkind and this last one is not much better. If what OP says about her little one being the only girl not invited is true, then surely you must be able to understand how her little one (and her) must be feeling.
I hope that you are teaching your own children to think about the feelings of others more kindly than you do and that when the time comes you will re-enforce what they will be taught in school about the importance of reading and answering the question!

Yes speak to the teacher good answer x

It's a terrible answer. Teachers are not there to regulate parties and who gets invited. That is an issue for parents and children. NOT teachers.

Our school makes it very clear at the start of each year that they will not allow teachers to distribute invitations, or provide names of children in class, or pass on phone numbers to allow parents to communicate with each other.

You don’t know for sure that she is the only child not invited. Do you know where the party is to be held? Perhaps it has a capacity of 25, 30 etc and don’t forget the child may well have siblings, cousins, friends from swimming/ballet/other clubs etc who do make the list. So there needs to be a cut off somewhere.

How close is your DD to this girl? If theyre close, hanging out each playtime etc it is a shame and you might wonder if there is a snobby parental influence (I’ve no idea why, just you mention it in your first post).

I agree with a PP who suggested hosting a (non birthday) small ‘party’ - pizza and a movie perhaps with a group of her closest friends on another date soon.

Good luck, chances are you’re overthinking this much more than it’s bothering your DD - only because you care - but what bothers kids one minute is forgotten the next.

Mintjulia
You could hold a party and invite everyone. Your daughters would enjoy it, it would help build bridges and friendships. And people would be more likely to invite your dsd in return.

Agree - I wondered when the daughter's birthday is, whether it might be outside term time. Other parents might think their children weren't being invited to your daughter's party (clutching at straws, here).

@LindaLa- everyone had secret parties after that?

You all punished a child because her mother was worried about her?

Wouldn’t it have been easier and kinder just to invite her?

I think @Thegrasscouldbegreeener has some lovely advice and ideas for you and is focussed on how you speak to your daughter about it, rather than you getting embroiled in playground politics and cliques which you were quite clear it’s not about.

If it’s consistent with parties then it might be worth a word with the teacher - but only to check if everything is ok socially in the class; definitely not to get teacher involved or anything as we all know that’s not their job.

Definitely take it all with a pinch of salt though. It may just be coincidence. 💐 for you and your daughter.