11 yr old and porn

[emmyem1]

Hi all. My son is really artistic and has developed a keen interest in pencil drawing, he does the anime style and has definite talent. I recently found on his tablet that he had been looking at pornhub and did a bit of soul searching as to how to deal with this, ended up going down the ‘educational’ route so just brought the conversation up in general about how porn can give a very unrealistic impression of bodies, women and sex. Watched a video together about it. Didn’t want to make him feel uncomfortable as I appreciate it’s a normal part of growing up and so much more easily accessible these days.
Just this morning I have found pencil drawings of a pornographic nature but in the anime style. Half of me is massively impressed with his talent but the other half feels that it’s totally inappropriate for his age (almost 12) to be drawing porn!!!
Would really appreciate any views/advice as I’m struggling with how to approach/deal with this, or indeed if I need to do anything at all!!

It’s cool, I don’t feel ganged up on. It was worth posting for the (albeit small percentage) of support/advice I received.
I have not changed my mind due to what anyone has said here, I spent many years as a single parent so had no-one to bounce thoughts/decisions off. So I always take my time rather than react (like my parents did and I just rebelled and ended up screwing my life up... that sure showed them!) anyway, the 11 year old has been following his YouTube brothers channel so no controls were on as it meant he couldn’t follow him. I also trusted him.
I refuse to accept that I am a bad mother or any of the other insinuations I’ve read on this thread. I just needed some time to research it properly and came here as part of that research. I still believe open communication is key with these issues and will continue with this, however I take on board that I need to not condone such a young mind being influenced by porn.

You're doing a great job. Well done with educating you're child in a safe way, i love how you are creating a open space for him to share his feelings and thoughts with an non-judgmental attitude. I feel this point has been missed. I find it confusing how others can judge and name call, (basically childish behaviour) then claim they are making the best choice for there child. Mmm.. Good job!!

That’s very kind of you to message, thanks. I agree with what you say and I honestly don’t let it bother me, we are all just trying to do the best we can with the knowledge we have. It’s very subjective and we don’t know why people may react the way they do on here over certain matters so I just disregard the negative. Thank you for your support though, it is something I am particularly proud of with my boys, they have/are learning that they can come to me with anything and I will always listen and consider my response carefully. That’s the kind of parent I wish I’d had when I was growing up. Im by no means a pushover which has also been insinuated. I have firm boundaries and expectations. I don’t need to raise my voice as they have been brought up to know I will be open to anything they bring to my table and will sit and discuss/debate/listen etc for as long as they want, however they also have to respect that I’m the adult so the final say is ultimately mine.

Watch out for that Anime/Manga thing. It can be extremely sinister. Behind it there is a vast community of sexual fetishists and predators who are targeting children.
You must keep a closer eye on your kid's internet usage. 11yo is way too vulnerable.

I agree with @mich0027. Your son is not being a raving pervert. Seriously I can vouch for the fact that although we would prefer our dc not to be looking at porn, the curiosity comes from school. They begin educating kids at a really young age now. My bots, now 16/17 had lessons covering wet dreams, masterbation, sex, drugs, alcohol. I was shocked at the time I admit. Also at break times dc with older siblings tend to be more aware of things ref sex and take the view it’s cool to know and see this kind of thing. The idea on suggesting police could see people searching porn is a good idea, but maybe just say you heard that happens as opposed to relating it to what he’s been doing.
I really don’t agree with op being told she’s a wobble head over this and that’s it’s implied it’s all highly inappropriate. Communication is key with children, NOT control or humiliating them.
I would add parental controls to internet as you also don’t want to encourage it. But as for removing his screens, I totally disagree. He’s growing up and curious, he’s not misbehaving for goodness sake. He should not be punished.

Emmyem1 Your approach to parenting is brilliant. It’s so important to acknowledge kids and see the reality from their point of view, not just wave a stick at them.

Your excuses for allowing him to look at pornhub aren't valid at all. I'd be more with you if he was, say, 15.

Ozziewozzie I believe we are in the same page! I did mention about the police and did not relate it to him but people that I have met who as adults were still paying for the mistakes they made when younger (stumbling onto sites).. I shall continue to keep the lines of communication open. Many many thanks for taking the time to message.

For the last time I am NOT making excuses for ALLOWING him to look at porn. He’s an inquisitive boy who is learning about the world and I was simply asking for advice regarding how to deal with this situation appropriately and without shaming him.

Many thanks all, even those of you I disagree with 😁

I know all about 11, almost 12 year old boys OP as I have one of my own. And looking at porn hub is deeply troubling at this age.

It’s possible to really listen
to and support your children, encourage them to come to you with their issues etc AND tell them you need to create a safe environment for them which does not include hard core porn at 11, so either safe search is on or devices are removed.

It’s disingenuous to pretend it has to be one or the other.

Mumsnet is weird, a few weeks ago there was a whole thread full of people telling the op that her 12yr old watching porn was normal and fine and she shouldn’t ban it as he’d ‘just find a way’. At least the replies here seem to be slightly more sane!

You need to really put parental controls. He could see some stuff he really shouldnt see if you dont. Hes 11. Thats really young. You need to have the discussion about porn while putting restrictions on your devices and internet. Seeing it eventuallly is inevitable, but at 11 it will warp the way he views women and girls

You're doing a great job. Well done with educating you're child in a safe way, i love how you are creating a open space for him to share his feelings and thoughts with an non-judgmental attitude. I feel this point has been missed. I find it confusing how others can judge and name call, (basically childish behaviour) then claim they are making the best choice for there child. Mmm.. Good job!!

SERIOUSLY?!?!? Her ELEVEN year old son has had the means to look at hardcore porn! WTF is wrong with people!?! He is a child. With regards to 'trusting' an 11 with full access to the internet - that is bloody dangerous. Children need someone to say no. Seriously give your head a good wobble. Your son should not see this at such a young age - there is stuff on pornhub that may be legal but it sure isn't a good representation of safe, consensual, loving sex.

Yeah Orlando, I can think of the kind of human who would think it was a “great job” to Introduce pre pubescent children to pornography - cuts down on the grooming time doesn’t it?

@hohocabbage
Are you out of your mind? Nobody has said they have introduced anyone to porn! Op discovered her ds had viewed it and took measures to educate him regarding not viewing porn and the dangers of it.
What some people here are saying (quite clearly I thought) is that if dc view porn it’s out of curiosity. It doesn’t mean the dc is a raving pervert or going to grow up becoming abusive or a rapist. Op was asking advice on how to deal with her son and porn in a constructive way WITHOUT humiliating him or shaming him. Op wants very much to maintain her great relationship and communication with her son.
One minute a child is very much a child, and literally overnight they become curious on more adult themes.
Not everybody is aware of potential issues until it becomes an issue hence no parental controls. Op is putting this in place.
This is an advice forum, not a bullying one.

Giving your child access to a internet ready device with no controls on it is at best naive and at worst neglect. OP has said she knew about these but couldn’t put them on as dc couldn’t follow another dc on YouTube. Not out of my mind thanks, but a parent and teacher and feminist - and in none of these roles can I think a child viewing phub is not a big deal.