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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

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Original poster

Daughter was shamed by other mums - need advice

107 replies

VegemiteToast · 16/07/2017 13:35

Hi! Long time lurker, but figured out that I'd reach out and see if I could get some perspective on an incident with DD 11 and a few of the mums at school, a while back.

DD is very pale skinned with dark hair. She has been teased in the past by other kids, but we make sure to allow her to shave, wax and do whatever else that will help her self esteem (I suffered from the same problem as a child.) DD was checked by an endocrinologist and had her blood tested to see if there were any imbalances, but unfortunately, her body hair is due to genetics.

DD attended a sport carnival at school, before the end of term. After running in a race, she recovered near a group of mums. One of the mums told her that she ran like a man. Another chimed in and told her that she had the facial hair for it, too. They all laughed at her and she felt embarrassed and ashamed - so much so that she only told me about this now after school has ended

I'm angry for her and devastated that this has happened. Her feelings are hurt and I can see that it has affected her self esteem. I don't know what to do though, as this happened a while ago. I know the mums and am just furious that they have shamed her body. I don't even know where to begin.

If my DD was your DD, what would you do? Thanks!

OP posts:

Oblomov17 · 21/07/2017 13:34

You must put something in writing, i.e. Email.
It's verbal up unto this point. It has to be in writing now, so that a paper trail is started.

The whole game changes once it's in writing, and more 'official'.

Original poster

VegemiteToast · 21/07/2017 13:35

I'll now get on with writing a follow up e-mail and attach my letter to that, as well

OP posts:

IHateUncleJamie · 21/07/2017 13:51

Ah, VegemiteToast, you are such a lovely Mum. ❤️ Well done for sticking up for your dd and I agree, she will remember that you have her back which is v important. Definitely chase this up with the HT and ask what action he is going to take.

Two suggestions - one, please please don't let your lovely girl shave her arms. If bleaching with Jolen or similar doesn't help, then laser therapy would be much better. She really doesn't want dark stubble anywhere visible if she can help it. ❤️ I know it's her body but I've always discouraged my dd from shaving if at all possible.

Secondly, have you thought about counselling or CBT for help with body image and self confidence? You should be able to ask for a referral on the NHS and it might be really helpful. Apologies if you've already thought about this and I've missed it. 💐

IHateUncleJamie · 21/07/2017 13:51

counselling or CBT for your dd, I mean!

Original poster

VegemiteToast · 21/07/2017 14:08

Thank you, UncleJamie! Your support means a lot ❤️

I'm considering starting her on laser very soon, in Autumn. I feel like it's time to begin to nip it, before secondary school. I really hate when she shaves her arms - it's so thick and unpleasant when it grows back. Now that it's summer, I'm quite powerless as I know that she loves to wear sleeveless tops and I don't want to take that from her, but we will certainly look into better methods when she wants to cover up more due to the cold.

CBT is a great idea. I personally had CBT whilst combatting a specific phobia of mine and found it useful, albeit very expensive! I had it done privately though, so I might have a chat with a GP and see if DD would be eligible. This incident has really made me reconsider my body image tactics and how to get these messages across to DD. I don't want to DD feel like there is anything wrong with her to need therapy, so CBT seems great as it's more about reframing her thinking.

OP posts:

IHateUncleJamie · 21/07/2017 14:24

💖 Exactly. You could say CBT will give her strategies for dealing with situations like nasty bitches people and help with overall confidence. Definitely doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her! 💐

MinorRSole · 21/07/2017 15:21

Oh your poor daughter :(.

I agree with a pp about going above the head if he is ineffective at dealing with it. These are not people who should be working with children and you have every right to insist they not be allowed near your daughter

Pennina · 21/07/2017 15:24

OP, you completely rock what a wonderful mum you are. Your poor dd. What a dreadful betrayal for her. You are doing all the right things so there's not much more I can add but I just wanted to add my support and furthermore to say that if these mothers are involved as a parent helpers on trips etc you must certainly escalate things to the governors if you don't get any traction from the head as they are clearly not suitable material or responsible enough. Just dreadful what a shocking thing to happen. Enjoy your day tomorrow. Xx

GplanAddict · 21/07/2017 16:22

Op you sounds amazing. I was teased for the same reason as your dd but not till secondary school and my mum was so unsupportive. You're dealing with this exactly as your dd needs.

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs · 21/07/2017 19:43

Well done for calling these bitches women out OP! Not so big and clever when they are brought to account by one of their own age group, I bet! I hope they think about how it has affected your dd and feel shamed, even if they act innocent in public. You really did have to do that for your dd, especially since the head teacher seems a bit wishy washy. I bet she is so proud of you right now.

Rhubarbtart9 · 21/07/2017 23:00

If they had any courage, they would apologise.

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 22/07/2017 10:09

Rhubard actually that's a good point - but they won't so they should be MADE to apologise, one by one, standing in a line in front of DD and Supermum, something nice and humiliating.

Original poster

VegemiteToast · 22/07/2017 15:10

Thank you for all your support, lovely MNetters. I'm by no means a supermum - just a mum who cares about her daughter. I know all of you would do the same for your children

DD and I had a great day, together. She's my only child, so I'm thankful that we get to have a lot of one on one time. She had a lot of fun, but there were some serious moments too. I know that she's been thinking about it, as she asked me if I'd ever dealt with nasty people before. I certainly have, with pretty awful colleagues and bullies at school, so I shared ways that I handled it with her.

That then turned into a conversation about the fact that while we may not be able to control the behaviour of others, we can control how we behave and act. I praised her again for staying calm, for coming to me and for allowing me to handle it for her. I have little doubt that the women would have mocked her, if she had cried or been upset about it in front of them - but I didn't tell DD that.

I told DD that the thoughts and actions of others do not reflect on her, as a person. I affirmed her of the non-physical things about her that I love, telling her that it truly is what's inside that matters and makes us who we are. Not every person may like her for whatever reason, but they're not worth her energy when there are so many people who think she's wonderful and love her to bits. They're the people she should focus on. DD is feeling really excited to see my parents when they fly in from Sydney in a few weeks and I'm sure having some time with them will make her feel more loved.

She had fun today, and I do hope she's feeling better. I can't take the pain that these awful comments have caused away from her, but I can teach her how to be positive about what's inside and to see herself as somebody instead of a body. It'll take a lot of work to help build her confidence up again, but I think that's one of the hard parts of being a mum - not being able to fix it all like I used to. ❤️

Now, to worry about what the school will do. I might start by having a chat with her teacher when she returns, to understand what the headteacher has told her about the incident and to let her know that I do not want these mothers to engage with her in the classroom or on trips. I've started considering escalation and think that route will need to be taken.

OP posts:

TheRollingCrone · 22/07/2017 16:56

Well done . So glad you called them out. Have a great summer with your dd, it sounds like you have a brilliant relationship.

MinorRSole · 22/07/2017 17:11

Really pleased you had a great day with your daughter. She may well remember those comments in years to come but she will also remember your unwavering support and the good advice you have given. I think she's going to be just fine with you as her mum op

lljkk · 22/07/2017 17:52

@VegemiteToast, Where do you live? You can't be in any English school like the ones I know.

Original poster

VegemiteToast · 23/07/2017 00:26

lljkk - We live in central London. DD attends an independent school that encourages parents to get involved and be really active in school life. DH finds DD's school very different from his own experience growing up in Dartford, but I find it to be close to my experience in primary, back in Australia.

OP posts:

WetsTheFinger · 23/07/2017 00:32

Your poor DD. I am absolutely furious on her and your behalf. Why on earth would grown women do that to a child?

freethebiscuit · 23/07/2017 00:59

As a mother of daughters, it's so upsetting to hear what your daughter has gone through with those parents who most definitely should know better. You sound amazing and frankly, inspirational in the way you talk with your girl and in the support and action you've given & taken. Hope I'm as good a mum to my girls when they reach school age ps hoping you letting rip thoroughly shamed them and they have had a think about their own selves this summer

lljkk · 23/07/2017 11:37

Ah, that makes sense, why you expect to find the same parents still helping out (with anything), such as in the school library, on trips, attending sportsday type events when they are in secondary. Those things don't happen in secondary schools in English state sector. Do the parents get DBS'd in order to be able to help out?

If it's fee-paying then I'm not surprised the head would side with 4 parents against 1. They pay more fees, one imagines.

GplanAddict · 23/07/2017 11:44

Is it a Steiner school OP?

Original poster

VegemiteToast · 23/07/2017 11:48

lljkk - Absolutely, I completely agree. Fees are ridiculously expensive and I think that parents are encouraged to get involved, as many in DD's school working and may not get that involved. However, I have little doubt that the school will take the side of the other parents, as they are fee payers for quite a number of children and do get discounts for multiple enrolments. I only have one!

As DD is on the younger side of 11, she is still in primary and has a year left to go before secondary, but I imagine that will all parent involvement will end at that time. Fingers crossed.

Thank you, Finger

And thank you Biscuit Lots of hugs to you, you are far too kind. You sound like a brilliant mum and I'm sure that you will be a fabulous school mum with your two little girls. It can be so difficult sometimes, but I know that you will show them so much love and care throughout their adventures

OP posts:

Original poster

VegemiteToast · 23/07/2017 11:53

Gplan - She is enrolled in a Waldorf school. To be honest, I wish that I had moved DD away from Waldorf as it doesn't suit us as a family. I think I was too idealistic when enrolling her. I feel so much mummy guilt as I'm not as involved as I'd like to be due to work commitments While DD enjoys it (and that's the important thing!), I'm looking forward to moving her into traditional schooling in the future.

These women have a high level of influence, given the school's practices. So it looks like any of my moves against them will be really bloody difficult. Sigh.

OP posts:

Original poster

VegemiteToast · 23/07/2017 12:01

I forgot that Waldorf and Steiner were synonymous. I think I'm just thinking about the salad I'm having for lunch 😆 DD is a Steiner student.

OP posts:

Original poster

VegemiteToast · 23/07/2017 12:10

You definitely have your hardcore Steiner parents, then your moderate Steiner parents like DH and I. The majority of us are in the second category, partly because we're just so busy at work trying to pay the fees!

It's hard because I can't always be there, but the mums who can and do go to all of the events, meetings, get involved in readings and also go on trips are classed above the rest of us. They tend to get more preferential treatment from the school and do have major queen bee complexes about them. I know this will complicate things.

OP posts:

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