Daughter was shamed by other mums - need advice

[VegemiteToast]

Hi! Long time lurker, but figured out that I'd reach out and see if I could get some perspective on an incident with DD 11 and a few of the mums at school, a while back.

DD is very pale skinned with dark hair. She has been teased in the past by other kids, but we make sure to allow her to shave, wax and do whatever else that will help her self esteem (I suffered from the same problem as a child.) DD was checked by an endocrinologist and had her blood tested to see if there were any imbalances, but unfortunately, her body hair is due to genetics.

DD attended a sport carnival at school, before the end of term. After running in a race, she recovered near a group of mums. One of the mums told her that she ran like a man. Another chimed in and told her that she had the facial hair for it, too. They all laughed at her and she felt embarrassed and ashamed - so much so that she only told me about this now after school has ended

I'm angry for her and devastated that this has happened. Her feelings are hurt and I can see that it has affected her self esteem. I don't know what to do though, as this happened a while ago. I know the mums and am just furious that they have shamed her body. I don't even know where to begin.

If my DD was your DD, what would you do? Thanks!

Please tell the school, whether your daughter is staying there or not. These horrible cow bags need to be pulled up. They will pick on other children.

My DDs are stunning but both rather hairy. Both have been subject to name calling but at least you expect some of that from children.

I would literally clear the room of vile Mothers treating a Child like this... what an appalling disgusting example of Mothers...

Please tell you daughter that millions of girls endure similar issues and ignore the nasty people around her... she is beautiful ...

have you considered products like Jolene... it's a hair lightening product for facial hair etc..

good luck Mum.. and I agree with the other posters.. Write a very stern letter naming and shaming these people to the Board and Head of the School Events x

I'd report to the head about body shaming and how it's effected her

How nasty. My cousin's daughter had very dark facial hair when she was about 10. My cousin had to take her to a specialist as it was very early puberty. How can another woman be so rude about a little girl?

I would tell the schools head and I would also embaress and shame the woman myself, I know two wrongs dont make a right but I am fiercely protective over my children

Definitely write to school, a child has been bullied and humiliated by adults at a school event. Hopefully the headmaster will make them ashamed of their actions. Go in hard and tell the school you want to know what they are going to do about the incident and preventing a recurrence in the future.

that's horrible!

I'm not sure what the school could do though - they are not school pupils?

What I would do, and that's just me, is put a public post on facebook and tag all the school mummies (and the school in it) and say what happened without naming names, but letting everyone know what you think about it.

WTAF these a grown women and they spoke to your 11 year old like that... fucking disgusting!

I would personally be hammering their door down and ripping them a new one, but previous posters advice is probably better!

I'm wondering did you dd beat their little darlings in the races

I'm fuming for your dd

Been on here a few years and that's the first post I've read that's really angered me. What evil bitches. I remember at 13 being told by the boy I fancied that I had a moustache. I too was pale with dark hair. I can remember how mortified I was to this day. Grown women should know better. Disgusting

Oh and Whiskersonkittens that's a bloody good idea. Then they will have to read all the outraged comments made underneath too.

I think the Head does have jurisdiction to ensure that all parents on school premises adhere to a code of conduct. If they breach that, they should not be permitted to attend school events. This should cover the duty of care the Head has towards your DD. I feel so angry on hers and your behalf. What is wrong with people?

Oh and we were on a skiing holiday, half way through and I didn't want to come out of my room. He said it in front of all my friends too . They told him what a dick he was. See how I can remember every detail. Op I'm ashamed to say how I would have reacted to this if it was my dd !

Horrific behaviour from the "adults"! Definitely bring it up with the school (if nothing else so the school realise what nasty pieces of work these mums are for future knowledge)

I'm another hotheaded mum who would find it hard not to take it up with the mothers directly though

Thank you so, so much for all of your responses. I'm thankful to have reached out to all of you - you have given me such good advice and a way forward.

I don't want to let this slide. When I was growing up, kids were absolutely atrocious to me over the same issue. So for this to happen to DD over something that she cannot control, from MUMS - it breaks my heart. I've cried for her so many times. She's been bullied so much (and I was) that I simply feel outraged. I'm sad that she kept it to herself.

I had to ask her what happened, as she is now obsessing over the mirror and begging for laser hair removal. The other day, she cried when we were getting ready to go to the pool, that she wasn't a real girl and that she'd always be different. It broke my heart and I just had to know why she was feeling like this. She's a fantastic girl and this awful comment has really shattered the confidence that she regained, albeit painfully and through hair removal.

Thanks to your suggestions, I will bring it up with the headmaster. Is it better to write a letter or actually go in and have a meeting? The mums (there were five, two made comments and ALL of them laughed at poor DD) have children in DD's class. Before posting here, I asked DD how she would feel if I spoke to the teacher about it and she told me that she was scared that SHE would get in trouble.

It's clear that I can't chat with the mums as I know that I will either go off completely or that they will gang up and deny that they bullied DD. DD tells me that there were a few other children around, but that they weren't listening. So it's our word against five mums. I want to write a post on social media, but wonder if it could backfire on our family.

My poor girl. She's scared that it will get worse for her, if I say something. I'm livid. She's been through enough.

For reference, DD has always been a furry little girl. Her specialist blood results came all clear though so she gets it from me, unfortunately! We remove the hair on her face and neck with cream, wax her eyebrows and allow her to shave her legs. We lighten her back and her tummy as she has fine hair, but a lot of it. I don't like when she shaves her arms, but it is her body and children have called her a gorilla over them

She is so beautiful though and I always make sure to tell her that she is. I might take her out shopping and for a girly day. Maybe out for shoes, nails and some pretties! I know she's hurting and her comment to me about not being a real girl shocked me as she loves her dresses, skirts and pink! Since telling me, she's wanted lots more cuddles and time with Mum.

I know DH and I will need to work on building her confidence again. Any tips would be really useful

Once again, thank you all for your support. I feel a lot less lonely on this matter.

She won't get into trouble. Do report it to the head. Get it in writing but go in and see him too.

Hi,

Just wanted to say how disgusted and angry I am about these horrible women!! How would they like it if it happened to their child? I'm assuming they wouldn't be too happy so why they don't consider that I don't know?!?!

I would contact the school and see what they recommend. TBH I probably couldn't stop myself from confronting them and asking them a) why and b) what they hoped to gain from belittling a child!

I feel that if they behave like this they shouldn't be allowed to attend further school events - they are old enough to know better.

I hope your daughter can see them for what they are - very stupid women who are pethetic!

I hope that you get to do some girly things that take her mind off it!! You sound like a very loving and supporting mum so your DD is lucky that she has a mum like you and not one of them!!

Thank you, User. It means a lot.

Right now, I'm drafting a letter to outline the situation, the impacts on DD and what disciplinary action I feel is appropriate. I will be calling the school for a meeting with the headteacher and leaving the letter with the school afterward. These mums definitely should not be permitted to attend school events, if they cannot act like adults. I plan on also having a word directly with the mums. I'm not sure what to say yet as I want to keep my emotions in check, but I do not want them to go near DD ever again.

The worst part is knowing that they are the women who always help out with school trips, in class and at the library. I know that I will have a fight on my hands given that they are so highly regarded at school. However, I really don't care. If they've done this to my DD and hurt her feelings so badly, I have little doubt that they will hurt another child. Our DCs are our priority and they sure as hell should never be made to feel bad about themselves. I've reassured DD that she will not get in trouble and to leave it to me. She's a child, she doesn't need to worry.

I've told DD that I'm proud of her for telling me, as my job as her mum is to protect her. She and I have been talking about embracing differences and how people who make rude, hurtful comments like the ones she received do not understand that difference is what makes us beautiful.

But it does make me wonder if she will be bullied when goes to secondary school. After this episode, I am seriously considering laser for her when she is a bit older, in case her hair becomes thicker or more dense as she enters puberty.

Right now, her self esteem is fragile and I don't want her to feel like the mums' comments have won, if that makes sense. In the meantime, we have a lovely day planned together. We will be having tea and cake, then going for a small spa day. She's such a good girl and she deserves to feel special with a massage, a small facial and painted nails.

I don't know how to handle her self esteem in the longer term though. When her self esteem crashed after being teased, hair removal was an easy fix. She instantly felt better and the children no longer had a target. These comments cut deep though and I know they'll be with her for a while..

I'm so sorry this has happened to your daughter. Please do push the school to take action. Those women should be ashamed of themselves for bullying anyone, let alone a child.

Wow some people are just really horrible!
I second the Phillips lumea (altho don't know if it's suitable for children) but it's brilliant and way cheaper than a salon

My jaw dropped open with that, that's absolutely shocking.

My jaw is still on the floor. Is she sure she heard them correctly? I literally cannot believe that grown women would say that, and laughing between themselves Utter bitches. I'd have a hard time trying to restrain myself from smacking them in the face

I find that kind of behaviour really shocking but you sound like a terrific mum. I think you should go to the school, especially if these women are the "Queen Bee" type. They need to be pulled up on this, and know that this will not be tolerated.

Vile women disgraceful behaviour!!!

I got laughed at and called names and by a group of boys on the school bus when I was 12. It was non uniform day and I wore trousers with splits up the sides, I too am pale with dark hair.

It never left me, I avoided swimming pools and beaches ever since. its took me over 20 years to not give a fuck.

I found shaving waxing and epilation painful and as soon as I get cold spikes show. I tried creams and bleaches but was aware when the light hit me my hairs were noticable.

I got a philips lumea afew years ago and the little bit of legs I bothered to do now grow back thin and sparsely. So it has worked for me but I am now at a point where I'm embracing my fur and don't care. Also unsure about suitability for children.

Grrr its so wrong that a young girl has to deal with this stupid pressure about a normal, natural body full stop. lt's hard enough for girls with all the peer and media pressure but this from fellow parents really is wrong on another level.

Agree with pp's about publicly shaming the vile bitches and reporting to the head. Hugs for you and dd and I second that you sound like a lovely mother

Just to add I think your dd is really brave for telling you, it's a testament to your relationship

I'm so sorry to hear that, Lemon - it's such a sensitive issue and it really is scarring. I still haven't reached the stage where I don't give a fuck and have been lasered within an inch of my life. I went through years of bleaching, waxing and shaving and hated the regrowth and blonde hair that would catch the sun. Thank you for your lovely words. You are fantastic and I'm so happy that you have now reached a sense of peace

If I'm honest with you, I would much rather have my DD endure the very temporary pain of hair removal, rather than the permanent scars that bullying leaves. I made the decision to have her start hair removal, when she was given a very hard time in year one for having thicker hair on her upper lip, legs and cheeks. I know a lot of people will have their opinions on it, but from my own experience, it was far easier to attack it early than have her dealing with it for years to come.

I vividly remember being ganged up on by girls at six, for having a bit of hair on my cheeks. They'd kick, hit and turn the whole class against me, just for being different. Later, I hated going to swimming lessons as I had a very hairy back by 8. At 10, I was crying hysterically and begging my mum to please let me shave my legs as I was so self conscious. To this day, I still feel teary when I remember. Body hair is an easy target. I didn't want the same for DD, over something that can be so easily resolved.

It's so sad that despite our best efforts, the bullying has stopped from the children. But has now started from the parents.