Daughter was shamed by other mums - need advice

[VegemiteToast]

Hi! Long time lurker, but figured out that I'd reach out and see if I could get some perspective on an incident with DD 11 and a few of the mums at school, a while back.

DD is very pale skinned with dark hair. She has been teased in the past by other kids, but we make sure to allow her to shave, wax and do whatever else that will help her self esteem (I suffered from the same problem as a child.) DD was checked by an endocrinologist and had her blood tested to see if there were any imbalances, but unfortunately, her body hair is due to genetics.

DD attended a sport carnival at school, before the end of term. After running in a race, she recovered near a group of mums. One of the mums told her that she ran like a man. Another chimed in and told her that she had the facial hair for it, too. They all laughed at her and she felt embarrassed and ashamed - so much so that she only told me about this now after school has ended

I'm angry for her and devastated that this has happened. Her feelings are hurt and I can see that it has affected her self esteem. I don't know what to do though, as this happened a while ago. I know the mums and am just furious that they have shamed her body. I don't even know where to begin.

If my DD was your DD, what would you do? Thanks!

That's awful. Would a book like this about gaining resilience for teens be useful? This author's research has specialised in how to counsel teens on body image resilience.

Thank you for your recommendation, Grey. I'll have a look at the book. We'll need to work on building up her self confidence and resilience, particularly going into the teen years.

I am so sorry this happened to your DD, that is really disgusting behaviour. Definitely speak to the head. I wouldn't be able to keep my mouth shut to the mums though. I would personally confront them when there are lots of other mums about and remain completely calm and say "I am completely disgusted to hear that you said my DD ran like a man, commented on her facial hair and laughed at her. To be honest I would expect better from a 10 year old let alone grown women. I really hope that no-one is ever as cruel to your children as you were to mine" and just walk off.

Your poor DD Vegemite. My DM has a lot of dark body hair and was bullied horribly about it as a child/ teen, but at least that was by other children. I'm horrified that an adult can be so nasty to a child. I think you're absolutely right to speak to the school and to the mothers: they need to be challenged on their vile behaviour.

Bored - I love that response. I think I might have to use something along those lines, when I confront them. I've been worried about sinking to their level, but it's really in my best interests to say something. I do want them to know that I know, and that I won't let it slide.

Furry - I'm so sorry to hear that your DM was bullied too over something like this. Children can be absolutely cruel. Thank you for your advice. I'll certainly make sure to let the school know.

So, time for an update.

Being the last week of school, I made sure to go in and have a chat with the headteacher. We spoke for a good half hour and he seemed to be quite disbelieving of the whole situation - as if the mums in question couldn't possibly do that, as they are so close to the school. It was really disheartening and I am concerned that he will not action it. He did say that he would have a chat with DD's teacher for next year and see what could be done. Regardless, I left the letter that I wrote and will contact again before the start of the next school year. In all, I am disappointed by the school and wonder how they would handle incidents if the mums' children were bullies.

I saw the mums at school pick up and approached them. I was nervous, but let rip. I told them that I knew what had occurred at the sport carnival, and was severely disgusted that grown women could be so low as to go and attack a preteen girl over her looks. They seemed shocked when I told them not to get too far ahead of themselves as they certainly aren't perfection embodied, that I hoped that no one would ever be as cruel to their children as they were to my own, and not to speak to DD again. None of them said a word to me afterward.

DD's special day will be held this Saturday. She is really excited and I'm excited for her! I hope she has a great time, with her old mum.

Thank you all for your support - you really are a fantastic bunch!

I've only just seen this thread so I hope you don't mind me joining in. I have tears in my eyes for your poor beautiful girl. Not sure if it would help if she knew that there are a lot of us out here thinking of her and wishing her good thoughts. Have a fantastic day together

Well done, if you don't think the Head will do anything complain to Chair if Governors too, and if they don't the local educational authority. Escalate all the way. It's not good enough to simply disbelieve you, they need to investigate first.
Hope you enjoy your day out with your dd

Do these ladies help out at the school, reading and school trips? If they do I would take this further, even ofstead!

@VegemiteToast - your dd will ALWAYS remember how you stood up for her over this. I can tell you from personal experience that there is nothing worse, or more damaging, than telling your mum you are being bullied, and having her minimise it and do nothing to support you. I grew up knowing that, when push came to shove, my mum didn't have my back - your dd will know the polar opposite - that her mum is her staunchest defender and supporter - and that is amazing.

I agree even in nothing is done by the school your daughter will always know you believed her and you had her back. Which is a priceless feeling.

Wow. Well done you, I hope they are thoroughly ashamed of themselves.

Regardless of what the head thinks, you have every right to insist that these women do not have any contact with your daughter within the school - they are not to have anything to do with her on school trips or helping out within the classroom. I would take this much further to insist they were no longer allowed to assist in school at all.

The school has a duty to protect your child from bullies, esp adult ones who should fucking know better.

Rebecca, thank you! I'm so sorry for posting such a depressing thread! The support that we have both received is incredible though. Well wishes and good thoughts have definitely helped propel me to really push for change. It means so much to me, and I know it will mean a lot to DD when I tell her about all of the people who have supported us. There is goodness in the world. It may not be in the faces of the mothers at school who make cruel comments, but it is everywhere, comes from so many different places (like MN) and it's my responsibility to teach her to see that in tough times like these

Queenio and Swatsup - they are definitely the mothers who help out at school trips, are always hanging around the school in the uniform shop, help out with reading, who have had their whole families in the school for many years. It's frustrating and I feel like I'm going to have to escalate. How best can I mount a defence? I have a feeling that the headteacher will dismiss my concerns in the hope that we will forget over the break.

SDTG, thank you. You are honesty so kind. My mum was the same as yours. Back when I was in year one and teased for my own facial hair, I told my parents. She laughed and told me that I wasn't possibly scared of the girls who were bullying me, was I? Of course I was! I needed her help and she abandoned me there, as if a six year old could defend herself. I was shattered and it made me feel even more vulnerable as I felt like my own parents weren't in my corner. It still makes me sad and angry to remember the way I felt when my own bullying was dismissed, so I always promised that I'd never do that if my own child was being given a rough time. You are incredibly strong and I know your children are so lucky to have a mum like you, caring for and defending them

Well done! Sounds like you said exactly the right thing to them and they hopefully feel like utter shit right now. Give your girl a hug and tell her she's beautiful and always will be. It's people who are ugly on the inside that are ugly on the outside.

I really don't want these women to engage with my daughter, at all. She is on the younger side of 11 and will be in school with their children for a while longer, unfortunately. I want to safeguard her from contact with them, but am feeling very concerned that the school will not support that level of action. It bothers me that they have such high levels of contact with the students and some of them will continue to do so for quite a while, with their younger children.

I just hoped that the meeting with the head would have been more positive. DD has never caused trouble at school and it was our very first time having a chat. He was quite dismissive and gave me lots of yeah, right expressions - it was really confusing. I don't think my Aussie accent could have caused misunderstanding; I've lived here for a while! I'm a bit confused and don't know where to take this next.

Refer it to the Head Teacher and say that you want a meeting with them in which they apologise for their behaviour or else you want their children excluded from the school. Say that you will be taking the case to the local authority if you do not get an acceptable result from these parents.

Well done OP. Your dd is so lucky to have you as her mum

You are amazing OP. Well done for standing up to them. I really hope you take this further and would not be at all surprised if other parents who have encountered their cruelty come forward too. Sometimes it just takes one strong person to bring down the bullies.
Your daughter is so lucky to have you on her side

Kimmy - I think mediation would be an interesting step. I know they probably think that I'm a proper bitch for telling them off, but it is what it is. I wouldn't mind going to mediation, but I know they will gang up and insist that I'm a right nutter and none of this occurs.

A gold star for you too, Alcea Thank you for your support. We mums really do need each other, don't we?

That's shocking, nasty women.

You too, Red - I hope that this will unravel their own cruelty. I have no doubt that they've acted pretty awfully to other families, given their queen bee mentality, but this can't continue. I just hope other families will come forward.

If it wasn't the school holidays I would be all for speaking to the head. However if your like me this would fester all holiday and by the time Au got back to school I would explode.
So I would go and see each Mum at their own house as people aren't so big when they are alone. I would tell them your disgusted with what they said and are making a formal complaint to the head governors and LEA and the consequences could be that their child has to leave the school. Then maybe their 6 week holiday will be shit worrying about it not yours.
But that's me.

My jaw dropped too.
This is a disgrace. Hope you get some resolution from school.

Please finish your letter, attach it, to an email toHead asap, and ask for an urgent response.