Really struggling - DS1 doesn't respect me

[KTlee]

Hi

This is my first post on MN. I have 5 children (DD1 is 12, DS1 is 11, 12 at the end of the month, DS2 is 10, DD2 is 7 and DD3 is 23 months).

DP (previously DH) and I have recently got back together after 3 years apart following getting divorced. Previous to this we had been married for 8 years, together for 10. In 2011 our baby daughter was stillborn and since then everything fell apart. I didn't handle her death well and admittedly wasn't there for my children leaving them in the care of DH whilst disappearing for a few months. I came back, pregnant with DD3 but still a mess, but DH took me back and we tried to work through things. However, we then split and went our separate ways with DH having DD1, DS2 and DD2 and myself having DS1 and DD3. DH got remarried, but this didn't last long although they have a daughter together (they are still good friends). His other ex wife is lovely and has been a mother to my children when I wasn't there for them when I should of been.

Since we have got back together, it has been really difficult with the children. DD1 is currently in a specialised unit being treated for anorexia (I myself also suffer from anorexia and blame myself for her illness). Things have been okay with DS2, though awkward at first), but really difficult with DD2 who would rather be with DH's previous wife, but we are getting there. DD3 has just slotted in with everything, though I know DP is having trouble bonding with her, but he keeps trying and is very good to her.

However DS1 has no respect for me (or women in general) and I don't know how to deal with it. He doesn't listen to a word I say or do anything I ask of him. If I try and put boundaries in place he'll just say 'make me'. He will walk out the house against my wishes, he swears and calls me a 'slag'. He will also not really listen to DP either, though he is better with him than me and DP is stricter with him. The thing is I know it's my fault. I've messed him up. When DH and I got divorced (I pushed divorce he didn't want to) I was really nasty to DH and even told him that DS1 isn't his which Is completely untrue, I just said it because DS1 looks the least like DH. I know i'm an awful person but I also told DS1 this in anger and DS1 went through a stage of being really angry with DH and refused to see or talk to him. They have sorted through this but I know DS1 is understandably very angry with me and I think this is where his behaviour comes from. All the children have had such changes to deal with and it's all my fault. DP has been amazing with them through it all, but I've been messed up and let this effect my children and now I don't know what to do.

I have also been having angry outbursts at DP who has been helping me get better from my anorexia. This has recently led to DP having to go to the hospital to have glass removed from his face and arms. I don't know what happens, I just see red. Fortunately the children have not witnessed this anger, but I'm not naiive enough to think that they aren't aware. DP has injuries. What makes this even worse is the fact that DP and I have been best friends since we were kids and DP lived in a house with a lot of violence, both between his parents, and from his father towards him, and I feel like I am making him relive this pain. Things weren't like this last time we were together and we've always been there for each other, but we can't have the kids around this. I need to change. I love DP so much and I desperately want this to work. I just want us to be a happy family, but how can we be when I have a daughter in hospital with anorexia, a son who hates me and won't listen to a word I say and a daughter who loves her ex step-mum more than she loves me. It's just such a mess.

Should also add that DP has bi-polar, though this is under control. I have recently started bereavement counselling as I know I never dealt with the death of our baby and am receiving outpatient support with my eating disorder. DP has mentioned us getting relationship counselling and I think I am open to this, but I'm not sure.

I just can't believe how much I have messed up my kids and don't know how to make things right. I worry about DS1's attitude towards women and what might happen when he storms off out the house. I also worry about how he will influence DS2 (they share a room) and he can be quite rough with DD2 and DD3 when 'playing' with them.

How do you fix things when it's all your fault in the first place?

My heart goes out to you KTLee and all your family. Yes it is a huge mess at this moment in time. You have all been through a lot, and there are so many issues that need resolving here. To be honest your DS1's behaviour is not surprising but I believe it can be resolved. You personally need some help because together with your DP you form the foundations of your family. Right now those foundations are crumbling. You do not need to blame yourself for everything. You did the best that you could do at each point and that is all you could do. Now however you need to take responsibility and decide what is best for your children and to be honest you need some outside help for that. I think your first step is to go to your GP, or SS if you prefer, but make sure you take action and ask for help tomorrow and be honest about the situation with the person you talk to. You have a long path in front of you so just start taking one day at a time and in your heart hold onto the thought that each step you take is for the good of each member of your family and will create the happy family you always dreamed of. I wish you all the best.

I called Social Services. They're visiting tomorrow to do an assessment and talk to DC. I feel really worried. I haven't told DP yet, I don't want him to hate me. I know I need to tell him though. I just want things to be back how they used to be.

It takes a really strong person to do that, KT. You've seen there's a problem and you've shown you want to deal with it. Well done.

You've done the right thing. Your kids will thank you for it. Tell SS the whole truth so you can get the right help. Good luck.

The Social Worker has visited. She seemed nice. I was very honest about things, as was DP. She spoke to us together and separately. She also spoke to DC, although said she didn't get much out of DS1.

She said she needed to speak with DD1 and was going to ring her unit and speak to staff and that she needed to speak to HV and CAMHS (DD1 open to CAMHS before moving to unit). Then she said she would speak to her manager but she was thinking a Family Support Worker would be helpful and spoke about a CAF. She didn't seem to think a Social Worker was needed, but did state if violence continued then we would be looking at Child Protection issues.

I think it went okay?

Will a Family Support Worker provide the same level of support as having a Social Worker?

Can't answer your question about a family worker but well done that's a fantastic step forward.

Sorry to hear what you are going through.

The important thing is that you acknowledge the issue i.e. that you have caused this (sorry could not find a nicer way to put it please don't be offended). You are very brave to come on here and admit all this especially knowing some people won't be very nice.

As some of the posters have said, don't be afraid to call Social Services if you feel necessary. They won't just take your kids away. Get all the help you need, relationship counselling, anger management, childrens counselling, counselling for anorexia, bereavement counselling, whatever you need. The death of your daughter was awful so sorry for your loss and not dealing with it probably has contributed a lot to how you are now. Obviously after getting your children helped, you need to first focus on the anger and the violence issue as you know this is very wrong, then everything else. Accepting the blame is the first step in the right direction. DP obviously wants to make a go of it as he has suggested counselling.

Do all you can to make this right - I am a great believe in it is never too late. I truly believe you love your children and DP and just want to make it right. It won't be an easy journey and could take a few years but hopefully you will get there eventually.

We have all said and done things we regret, (i.e. saying to your DP that he was not father of DS - that was wrong you know it, you can't change what you said. It has affected DS and you admit you know this is why he behaves the way he does, it shouldn't be a surprise he does not respect you right now although it cannot be very nice but as parents we have to accept it is our fault at times like this) At least you are willing to admit you have done wrong, not many people can say they are brutually honest like you have been on here. You can try to make things right from here on now so please just stay strong and take all the help offered.

xx