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Preteens

Parenting a preteen can be a minefield. Find support here.

Original poster

Is this normal and how do I deal with it as I am pretty upset?

242 replies

JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 08:05

DS1's school is open. He usually gets the bus and has too today as we can't drive after 8 hours of continuous snow. I wanted to walk to the bus stop with him in case he fell over and the bus didn't come. He did not want me too. He later snapped he'd be teased for being a mummy's boy. He went alone. I may have acted like a two year old as I didn't say bye. Normally he texts to say he is on the bus okay. He has texted DH instead so another one having a strop. DH said I should pick my battles and is fed up of the arguments, with DS1 and I, I suspect he means.

DS1 just texted me, he is at school okay.

I love this child so much. My first born, my heart, and it breaks my heart he treats me like I am nothing some times. We used to be so close and now it feels like he isn't bothered about me and doesn't need me anymore (unless he wants a lift).

I have felt like this for a while, not just over this morning.

OP posts:
NormanTheForeman · 21/01/2013 14:39

And FWIW if I do something wrong I would apologise to my ds, but not in a "OMG I've got it all wrong, I've been a terrible mummy" way. Just in a calm matter of fact, "sorry I did the wrong thing" way.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 14:40

I am stuck as the only way I can see to not let my childhood affect my parenting is to care less and give them more freedom .

Twice my head was saying no to letting DS1 do something (aged 4 and 6) but I could hear DH in my head saying you have to let them do stuff. I did, both times DS was hurt and needed hospital treatment at 6.

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PacificDogwood · 21/01/2013 14:40

Lots of self-help resources linked to from this site incl on-line CBT which might give you an idea about how you could change your ingrained patterns of unhelpful thinking ("I never had a decent coat - must make sure DCs have 5 otherwise I am as bad a mother as my own" Wink)

permaquandry · 21/01/2013 14:40

It wasn't anything YOU did to make your 'parents not like you' as you said. It was their problem, NOT yours.

permaquandry · 21/01/2013 14:43

It wasn't anything YOU did to make your 'parents not like you' as you said. It was their problem, NOT yours.

PacificDogwood · 21/01/2013 14:44

But kids do fall and hurt themselves sometimes and sometimes they need hospital treatment. That in itself is not a parental failure.
What was it that got DS hurt on those occasions?
Would preventing him from doing whatever it was only prevented that injury or also prevented him learing 'you cannot leap off the 4th step' ?

Being a parent is scary and it is a balancing act between giving them more and more freedom and keeping them safe. It's a judgement call and sometimes we get it wrong.

NormanTheForeman · 21/01/2013 14:44

You don't have to care less to give them more freedom. I care very much about my ds, but I know that if I don't give him enough freedom he won't be able to grow up to be the happy, independent, capable boy I want him to be. That would make me very unhappy. Sometimes you have to look ahead to the future a bit, hard though that can be.

Lavenderhoney · 21/01/2013 14:50

Just fabulous, I just saw your post about what your ds said about mums and then needing his dad. He is a very perceptive young man. You should be proud of him, I expect you are.

I read " raising boys" by Steve biddulph and it's very good at explaining about boys and, changing behaviour roles of mums and dads as they get older etc. there is a section on how they need to let go of mum and lean more on dad/ a male figure . How to raise them to be happy confident kind and safe.

He knows you love him. You have to sit down with him and find a way forward. Try not to talk about you - he is not you and has experienced a better start to life by the sound of it, so he has different expectations and feelings. But you stil have to keep him safe, so little steps...

LizzieVereker · 21/01/2013 14:51

Giving independence does NOT mean you are caring less; it means you are giving your children the tools they need to grow up. It can be a bit scary while they are off being independent, but you just have to be brave, I know it's hard.

Look at everything you've done right, just today. You did let your boy go off to the bus stop, you did listen to him, you asked for help and support on here, you've made him a lovely cake and are prepared to apologise, which shows him respect and fulfills his needs and self esteem. A bad parent would have done none of those things, you have been a good parent today!

Original poster
JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 14:53

He swung upside down on a metal gate and fell off. Gash to head. Day two of school and had to take him straight back in.

He rode down too steep a hill on his bike and went flying. Thankfully he had a helmet on and the doctor said that saved him from worse damage. Knocked wonky teeth, bashed in nose.

That was so not fun. Been at the park a minute. Had to carry his bike, him, push the baby in the buggy and hold on to dd too.

I really want to walk to meet DS from the stop, just for company, but I will wait here instead.

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LizzieVereker · 21/01/2013 14:57

See- those accidents were exactly that, accidents. Not your fault. I bet we could all tell you similar war stories!

And well done for not going to the bus stop - he'll be in soon Grin

ExitPursuedByABear · 21/01/2013 14:59

Nothing to add Fab but just wanted to say that I am sorry for what you have suffered.

But just to reiterate what others have said - I haven't a bloody clue about parenting. When I read the sage advice on here of how people handle things it leaves me worrying that I am doing it all wrong. I rarely do any 'parenting', most of what I do is instinctive - "Put your sodding wellies on to go to school or I take your Blackberry off you" sort of thing.

DD (13) currently hates me and finds me the most embarrassing thing EVER, but she still gets into bed for a cuddle.

Just loving them is enough.

RandallPinkFloyd · 21/01/2013 15:03

See, you are getting somewhere. You want to walk to meet him but know its for your benefit not his, so you haven't. That may not seem like much but it's a huge step.

The big challenge now is applying that logic to other situations as they arise.

And I agree absolutely with what you said about how you apologise.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 15:05

Do you all have instincts? Sometimes I feel I have coped with something really well or come up with a great idea, but most of the time I haven't a clue!

Cake looks good Grin.

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Original poster
JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 15:07

I once felt I needed them to show me how to be a mum and I have also sought reassurance that they love me Blush. I won't do it again .

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Pagwatch · 21/01/2013 15:10

Sorry to bang on but you really do have to see that giving more freedom is not about caring less
In fact, it's quite the opposite.
You really have to care about your child to step back and love them enough to et them make mistakes.its way easier to constantly reassure ourselves by over seeing everything they do.

Jux · 21/01/2013 15:12

FWIW, I think you must be a wonderful mum. Letting go is a tough call and most people find it hard to do. I am sure I shall want to be marching into the University (dd is 13!) when she gets there, demanding to see her tutor about something or other!

I expect my mum and dad wanted to contact a few places I worked, and give them a piece of their minds!

I'm sure that even when dd is 93 with gcs, I'd be wanting to right every single one of the wrongs she may suffer (assuming discovery of miracle drug which prolongs life by a few centuries!).

What you are feeling is not wrong, not at all. It's knowing that you feel their pain and empathise with them that allows children to fly and make their own lives happily; they know that whatever happens, you will be there for them, and that you love them unconditionally.

Just don't act on your feelings every time. It may help if you were to ask yourself how your dh would react were you to do such and such for him. Would that give you a clearer idea, do you think?

FunnysInLaJardin · 21/01/2013 15:17

God, I ask my DC all the time if they love me. I of course tell them I love them too a lot. Mind you the littlest one often say no mummy I don't love you and I pretend to cry then he gives me a big kiss Grin It is reassurance I suppose but it is also a bit of fun too.

I trust my instincts mostly and this can cause some difficulty with DH and just occasionally I will find that something I have no problem with ie the 3yo going downstairs at 7am with his 7yo brother at the weekend before we are up, is a bit no for DH. I tend to let them have more freedom than DH is comfortable with. My parents let me have a fair amount of freedom but gave me boundaries whereas DH's parents didn't know where he was half the time and I think this shows in his parenting sometimes.

Original poster
JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 15:18

DH is an amazing father. I do defer to him on lots of things as I know he is more calm and sensible and has a more realistic idea of what children are/do. Asking myself, rather than him, what DH would do is an amazing idea and one I definitely know will help me so thank you for that.

A teacher has told me to let the kids get into trouble for not doing their homework if they won't do it. I would worry what they would think of me if it wasn't done though and there we are again with me caring too much about what people think of me. I would hate to think people thought I didn't care about my children.

Just decorated the cake. Looks fab!

OP posts:
NormanTheForeman · 21/01/2013 15:19

If it's any consolation I found the baby stage really hard, and felt I had no "instinct" whatsoever. I think quite a few parents don't have any, and just muddle along, asking advice from friends/relatives/mumsnet. And a lot of the ones who appear to cope easily probably don't underneath. It's like ducks - you see them gliding along, but don't see the furious paddling going on underneath the water! Wink

Original poster
JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 15:20

Exactly! No one would notice if I wasn't home from school by half three so I always need to know where the kids are and nearly passed out when DH let DS1 go out on his bike alone.

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NormanTheForeman · 21/01/2013 15:24

Oh I found last year quite hard going with the transition from primary to secondary school. Ds has "grown up" such a lot in that year and become so much more independent. A couple of years ago I would have been Shock at him going out on his bike alone, but in the summer holidays he was out a lot for hours (he had his phone, so I didn't worry). It takes a lot of adjusting! Smile

Original poster
JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 15:26

My 15:20 post was in answer to Funnys.

NTF - I was much better at the baby stage and had more confidence then.

OP posts:
NormanTheForeman · 21/01/2013 15:42

I didn't have so much patience with the baby stage I'm afraid! But I think it just shows that all parents struggle with some aspects of parenting, and we can only do our best.

The main thing is you love your dcs and want the best life for them they can have.

PacificDogwood · 21/01/2013 19:50

I had v little in the way of instincts with babies/toddlers and just adore that I can properly talk to my older ones - 'tis lovely Smile.
I make a real effort to actually listen to them too, really listen to what they are saying and what they mean.

Letting go is a huge part of loving - always having them by your side or even knowing where they are is holding hostage Wink. I am exaggerating for effect, but I hope you get my drift.

Your DS is NOT you. He (thankfully) has not had the same experiences as you. He loves you (because ALL children do. If children did not love their parents, abusive/neglectful parents could not do so much damage Sad). You love him. That is 9/10 of the challenge sorted.

Gie'us some cake Grin

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