Is this normal and how do I deal with it as I am pretty upset?

[JustFabulous]

DS1's school is open. He usually gets the bus and has too today as we can't drive after 8 hours of continuous snow. I wanted to walk to the bus stop with him in case he fell over and the bus didn't come. He did not want me too. He later snapped he'd be teased for being a mummy's boy. He went alone. I may have acted like a two year old as I didn't say bye. Normally he texts to say he is on the bus okay. He has texted DH instead so another one having a strop. DH said I should pick my battles and is fed up of the arguments, with DS1 and I, I suspect he means.

DS1 just texted me, he is at school okay.

I love this child so much. My first born, my heart, and it breaks my heart he treats me like I am nothing some times. We used to be so close and now it feels like he isn't bothered about me and doesn't need me anymore (unless he wants a lift).

I have felt like this for a while, not just over this morning.

You are not clueless, JustFab, but you have lots of baggage that is your problem and should not be made your DS's IYSWIM.
You having the need to show your love to your DS by wanting to walk him to the busstop when he can clearly do it himself AND wants to do it himself, is about you.
Your horrible childhood is just that: yours .
You owe it to your DS who you very clearly love v much to NOT project your problems or what you missed growing up on him.

Google Positive Parenting classes near you - they do classes for parents of older children/teens.
Get yourself referred to see a Clinical Psychologist - not just counselling which can be very useful to get someone through a difficult period in their lives, but is usually too shortlived to untangle all the stuff from how your upbringing is now affecting how you try to raise your own DS.

If you want to change how things are, you are the only person on this planted who can make it happen, with the help and support of an experienced therapist. Even if you have not found talking to someone all that usefull in the past, it is worthwhile trying again, because so much does depend on how you get on with your therapist.

You come across as very defensive when you have so little that needs defending and so much to be proud of.
Are you familiar with the concept of 'Good Enough Parenting'? It is something that I have embraces wholeheartedly: I try my best, but accept that I will never be The Perfect Parent. Because none of us are. If you want to do Everything Right you are simply setting yourself up to fail IMO.
If you try the best you can, you'll usually achieve it .

You just did it again!

You have enough insight to know you care too much abut what other people think yet have straight away excused it.

I do xxxxx but I think it's because of xyz
I do xxxxx but I think it's because of abc.

The because part doesn't matter. It's a way to absolve yourself of responsibility for your own actions.

Apologise if you feel you need to ie if you are sorry for how you reacted this morning.
If you feel he was a narky pre-teen, then don't .

Cake is always a good idea IMO...

And I ment 'planet', you are the only person on this planet who can change stuff, sorry.

RPF - but I am not trying to excuse myself! I am trying to explain. It is a reason, not an excuse.

PD - I can't see properly at the moment and read it as planet .

OP, I didn't respond earlier because I thought there was more to this. I can't really advise but your boy's a pre-teen and he does need to look a bit tough to his mates. He will have an easier time if he can do that. I think there's also something in here of learning about the unconditionality of love. You are a loving mum - he is a teenager - soon. He needs to know that whatever he does you will love him always, with all your heart and forever. To find out that you do; he has to be allowed to make some mistakes and to push a lot of boundaries. A lot of this I think is a learning curve because you did not have exactly that; a lot is you realising the extent of what you didn't have because now you have and see it for your son and that is a grieving process; a bit more is the coming to terms with it all and a bit more still is the fact that even if you have had the perfect life parenting teenagers, or some teeenagers, is one of the hardest things a parent can do and come out of it unscathed - them and us.

DS was vile this morning - utterly vile - behaved like a tantrumming toddler because his sister and I have a snow day and he had to go to school. It was utterly pathetic. DH shouted at him and stormed out in a flurry of scarf and overcoat and DS ranted that the whole world hated him. DH told him to man up and get the tube or bus and not expect his mother to drive on the ice - I drove him. They are 51 and 18 and the little shit plays for the first XV. His 14 year old was cracking up with a cushion over her face and had to be told to get upstairs and stay upstairs before there was any more trouble. She has gone to the park with four mates and not enough clothes.

Yes to cake. If you have to apologise; apologise for not realising how grown up your ds is and that you should have realised he could take care of himself; don't apologise for being an idiot - you are a mum and mums make mistakes very occasionally

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but it is all about you OP.
Please consider joining in on the stately home threads.

Out of interest, do you feel rejected by your DH if you don't take him to work? If you don't, why not?

Thank you marriedinwhite. You speak a lot of sense.

I had an idea in my head of what I thought parenthood would be like but I was wrong.

Off to bake his cake now.

I owe you a big laugh

I have felt rejected when dh hasn't let me deliver money/lunch when he has forgotten them. Not letting me show love.

I know that is stupid.

Why did your DH refuse your offer to drop off lunch/money when he forgot?

Is this about showing love? Or about not trusting? Or about needing to feel needed and if you don't feel needed, you get upset, feel rejected and get upset, frustrated and defensive?

OP, I can see where you are going with this - it's like a kind of "trying too hard" to show your love in an effort to compensate for the lack of love you had as a child. Would that be about right?

Don't to school with his money/lunch/homework. He will only forget once if he gets hungry or has to grovel to the office for £1.90, gets detention for no homework, etc.. But think of it from the other side; if you are not for ever dropping something into the school - when it's urgent and you need a message passed to him over something that really matters, they are more likely to do it with a smile and make sure it gets done.

Love is staying calm when they break their nose on the pitch and telling them it will mend - not stopping them from playing in case they get hurt. I can't watch btw and I know I mustn't because I would start fussing and get anxious.

Why would anyone laugh about that?
It's not funny.
It's not 'stupid'.
If anything it is sad to read another example on how deeply your sense of self-worth is linked to how 'useful' you are 'allowed' to be to others.
In case you hadn't guessed already, my mother is a bit like that and it is not a nice way to grow up.
"If you loved me you'd voluntarily come home before midnight." - I still remember how bewildered and weird that statement made me feel when my mum said it during an argument when I had to be home as a 16/17 year old. My loving her had NOTHING to do with my wanting to be cool and out with my friends. Linking the two put me in an impossible position (rejecting and 'hurting' her who I love/d v much, or not doing what I wanted to do). If she had simply put her foot down and told me to be home at 10 or whenever, I'd've had a welcome target to resent and to rebel against. I'd've still frigging loved her.

You need to sort this. For your own sake, and those around you.

if he falls over he will get up. As most people do. If the bus doesn't come he will either text you or come home.

there's parental duty and there is ridiculous molly-coddling. Especially as he is clearly quite able to cope.

you are strangling him with the apron strings. Let go!

Here is another thought: a lot of people struggle more with previous experiences/trauma when their children are similar ages as they were when shitty stuff happened to them.
I had dealings (professionally) with a 16 year old who disclosed that he was sexually abused as an 8 year old by a 16 year old distant relative. He was hugely distressed and upset as he was now the age of his abuser and coudl not begin to comprehend how somebody his age could have done what he cannot imagine doing to his younger brother. Does this make any sense??

The older your DS is becoming the more childhood dysfunctionality might rear its ugly head.

But the "reasons" don't matter. Explaining why you do something doesn't help anyone, certainly not you. It just diverts your attention away from actually doing something about it.

Justfab, you need to look at these posts again and see how much support you have and compliments. YOU criticise yourself too much and this it was it is about.

You see any unexpected/unwanted behaviour as a direct reflection of how someone feels about you. Your dh probably didn't want you to go out if your way to deliver him lunch when it was his mistake, NOT because he is rejecting you or doesn't love you.

You are considering your behaviour, seeking advice and are trying to change, that alone makes you a good parent.

Stop being hard on yourself and try counselling again, you will need to try a few before you gel with someone.

Good luck and make sure you have a big slice of that cake.

Agree with everything married says, except the bit about the apology.

I think you should apologise honestly. Completely honestly.

I think admitting you were wrong could be a huge breakthrough between you. A massive sign of you respecting him as the young man he is. I think you underestimate how much that would mean to him.

Cake in oven.

DH refused as he could manage and he didn't want me driving all the way to work.

I like being useful and feeling needed.

NTF I think you are right. I have only ever wanted someone to love me as I knew my parents didn't.

PD - I have felt resentment that my children haven't appreciated what they have but I know that is also stupid as they have nothing to compare it too as they have always had parents, food, shoes and clothes that fit, books and toys etc. Sometimes I have said something to them and the look on the face as immediately made me feel X years old and I have felt like I felt when small. Of course they are not feeling the same thing but I can't help but worry they will feel it some day.

I want to thank you all for sticking with me and apologise for my strops.

I felt very happy when I baked. I always do.

I just burst with love for my kids and I guess it hurts that my parents didn't even like me.

A friend once said you should never apologise to your children (I did once when I smacked and I shouldn't have done) but I have always said sorry when I was wrong. It felt like the right thing to do.

I always apologise to my children if I am in the wrong. Why wouldn't you?

Never listen to any advice given that entails the words 'never' or 'always' .

My granddad used to be cross with us kids if came in and said we were 'hungry'. "You don't know the meaning of the word" he'd say. And, of course, we didn't. Not like he as an ex-POW in a Russian camp knew ... But it was totally meaningless to us.
Just like it is meaningless when I tell my DSs that we did not have a games console when growing up, or mobile phones or even computers. They just look at me like this --> .

I do think that looking at reasons for your behaviour is a good thing in therapy, but not day to day when you need to look at change and you cannot change your past. You can try not to repeat it but must be careful that you don't overshoot the mark (as you are doing just now IMO).

That is what I thought. Teach them that mummy can be wrong too and has to apologise.

Well, I think it's more common than you might think for people "try too hard" to show their love. It often happens if people have low self-esteem or lack confidence. But unfortunately it can seem suffocating to the recipient, and so is usually self-defeating.

I think if you could find some way to build up your self-confidence it would really help.