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Preteens

Is this normal and how do I deal with it as I am pretty upset?

242 replies

JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 08:05

DS1's school is open. He usually gets the bus and has too today as we can't drive after 8 hours of continuous snow. I wanted to walk to the bus stop with him in case he fell over and the bus didn't come. He did not want me too. He later snapped he'd be teased for being a mummy's boy. He went alone. I may have acted like a two year old as I didn't say bye. Normally he texts to say he is on the bus okay. He has texted DH instead so another one having a strop. DH said I should pick my battles and is fed up of the arguments, with DS1 and I, I suspect he means.

DS1 just texted me, he is at school okay.

I love this child so much. My first born, my heart, and it breaks my heart he treats me like I am nothing some times. We used to be so close and now it feels like he isn't bothered about me and doesn't need me anymore (unless he wants a lift).

I have felt like this for a while, not just over this morning.

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 10:52

lms - as in they will go away from me and we won't be close.

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ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 21/01/2013 10:53

None of us feel good enough, Fab. That's the point. We're all just blindly feeling our way and doing our best and hoping that they turn out ok in the end. We just aim to do as little damage as possible. I think I read on here this idea that DC are like moving a pain of glass. You can't help but leave finger marks, you just aim not to actually leave cracks. DC have to grow up, so you have to back off, even if it hurts. And they shouldn't know that it hurts. They'll find out themselves, when they have their own DC

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TantrumsAndBalloons · 21/01/2013 10:53

But of course you wont lose your kids.

And it is ok to be wrong. The reason some of us are advising you is because we have teenage boys and been through similar stuff.

Trust me we have all been wrong about something at some point.

Accept it, learn from it, move on.

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pictish · 21/01/2013 10:53

Perhaps rather than stepping away, you could face up to what it is you don't want to hear? That might be a step on the road to a more resilient you!

I am not saying that to get at you, or cause you any hurt. I have no desire to cause you any more pain than you have already suffered. I am not trying to add to your distress.
I am trying to make you see that you are being reactive rather than proactive.

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 10:56

I have become such an emotional person and it is annoying.

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RandallPinkFloyd · 21/01/2013 10:56

Blimey littlemisssarcastic did you spend your entire teenage years inside my head!

Please re-read that post op, it really is exactly how your son feels.

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McBalls · 21/01/2013 10:56

You have to let go of this belief that everyone else knows what they're doing...we don't!

Being parented is not the same as parenting and so, so many people had fucked up childhoods.

I think you hold onto the thought that you can't possibly know how to parent because (probably not consciously) it's a way of offsetting the feeling of being out of your depth - but we ALL feel like that. Every week there is some new parenting hurdle I don't have a clue how to handle. It's normal.

I've seen this said to you many times over the years, it's certainly not the first time I've said it to you myself. Do you know why you are unable to accept that you're in the same boat as the rest of us?

I know this will sound harsh and I'm sorry but there comes a point when you need to do whatever it takes to sort yourself out because your kids don't deserve to have their childhood blighted because you are not over yours.

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NotaDisneyMum · 21/01/2013 11:00

OP - of course your relationship with your DS will change as he grows up - and I know some mums do see that as a loss.
But while grieving for the loss of your little boy, what you might miss is that you have an emerging young man in your life - someone you can get to know, and develop a new relationship with.

You can either focus on your loss, or look forward to what you have now and the person who your son now is.

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Pagwatch · 21/01/2013 11:02

I agree McBalls.

My childhood was grim, filled with abuse.
I parent how I do by trying things, making mistakes, getting it wrong, trying again....

None of us have it sorted.

Saying 'the rest of you know what you are doing but I don't. So it is too hard for me' is very close to being a kind of cop out. I know it's not intentional but it is easier to look at a task and say 'it's too hard for me' than to just expect better of yourself and take responsibility for that.
We all do it about stuff. But maybe accepting that you have as many skills as the rest of us might be more productive.

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Alibabaandthe40nappies · 21/01/2013 11:03

Fab - I think you overestimate what you think we know!

I know nothing, I make it up as I go along and sometimes it is the right thing, and sometimes not.

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ShotgunNotDoingThePans · 21/01/2013 11:09

I think you must have exceptional strength of character to have come out of a hellish childhood a decent, sensitive human being.

Stop thinking your past automatically makes you crap or worse than the rest of us in some way.

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 11:10

I suppose I think I am on my own as I haven't come across anyone who has lived the life I have. They may have had the bad stuff happen but they have had their parents in their lives or they may have been brought up by others but not had the awful stuff. I really don't want a cop out. It is just a way of trying to explain why I am fucking up and feeling the way I do. I have never felt normal or the same as anyone else, ever so of course it is going to feel like I am the odd one out. I always have been. It feels like everyone else knows what they are doing. I worry so much about what I do now means they will remember the bad stuff I did so I try hard to give them a nice childhood but seem to have got it spectacularly wrong.

Anyway, book ordered.

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overmydeadbody · 21/01/2013 11:12

JustFabulous I understand how you are feeling.

Try not to beat yourself up too much about the accidental mistakes you have made, the important thing is you are trying to be the best parent in the world, and that is what makes you a good parent.

You care, and your DS knows that.

Yes you might also be emotional but you are human and you have reaosn to be, with your past Sad

I sometimes find myself getting into silly little arguments with DS (10yrs old) and when I hear myself I know I am acting immature and rising to him unnecesarily, but I still do it sometimes.

It IS hard to remember to pick your battles, but even the fact that you are aware that you over-reacted this morning is a good thing, you'l get there.

Every stage in a child's life involves a new learning curve for the parent, and just when you've mastered that age they go into another phase!

Please don't feel too bad ow. Loads of good advice here to help you xxx

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Mrsrobertduvall · 21/01/2013 11:14

I really think you should try again with counselling, as your feelings are not normal. You are worrying abnormally because of your upbringing, and are not sociable...perhaps you have just not met the right counsellor who you can gel with.

Yes, your ds is old enough to walk to school n his own...what's the worst thing that could happen? He'd break his leg. Would the world cave in...no.
But the chances of that happening are slim.

If you don't let go, he will resent you.
Please try and get some help as you sound very unhappy and lacking self esteem.

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Pagwatch · 21/01/2013 11:17

But no one else feels sorted - well no one I know does.
And saying 'they may have had bad stuff happen but....' is kind of a cop out even if you don't intend it. Because what does that mean except 'but it's worse/harder for me'

You have had great advice on here. You know what you need to which is 'pre-teen boys like lots of space and it's nothing personal'

You are attentive, loving, involved and caring. You are trying to do things right.you sometimes don't. That is all normal.
Can't you try and see that proportionately. You are giving your children a childhood which is a million miles away from yours. It's a huge credit to you and your efforts. You will still make mistakes. But every bump in the road is a learning process so you will be even better tomorrow.

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overmydeadbody · 21/01/2013 11:17

JustFabulous loads of people feel the same way as you, like they are the odd one out and feel different than everyone else. Lots of parents feel like they don't know what they are doing and other parents are better than them. The truth is everyone has their own problems and past and worries and lack of confidence.

It might help to try to put the past behind you, properly, nothgin can change what happened to you in your childhood, but now you are an adult you can coose not to let it have such a strong hold over you.

You are a fantastic parent who loves her children dearly and who's childrne feel loved and secure and are well taken care of. What happened this morning is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, especially if following all the good advice here you change and the arguing between you and your DS stops. Remember, you are the one who can stop it, not him. Just don't take what he says or does to you personally. As everyone has said, it is normal at that age.

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 11:21

I am trying to explain. Not use a cop out.

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 11:22

Explain why I feel the odd one out as I haven't found anyone who has had similar upbringings to me.

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NotaDisneyMum · 21/01/2013 11:24

JustFab - why do you think that your childhood was worse than anyone else's? Because no-ones told you about theirs?

You've said yourself that you don't talk about your own pain in RL yet you expect others to tell you about theirs.

Everyone has skeletons, baggage, history that affect who they are - you're not alone.

It was the most liberating moment of my life when I realised that I wasn't any different from anyone else. It came at the end of a long journey; counselling, personal development and a lot of soul searching. It was hard, painful and destructive - but I feel a much happier person and parent as a result :-)

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RandallPinkFloyd · 21/01/2013 11:29

I'm having to try so hard not to scream and shout and jump up and down at this thread. The reason being I have a lifetime of experience of having to deal with a mother like this. It's exhausting and unbearably frustrating.

I'm sure you hate everything I'm saying and think I'm just being nasty in order to upset you by you couldn't be further from the truth.

You still have the time to change. I'm beging you to take it.

However horrific your childhood was you cannot be a victim for the rest of your life. You have to deal with it as best as you can.

You cannot imagine what it is like growing up with a parent who sees themselves as the victim in every situation. No, it isn't the same as the neglect you suffered, but it's still bloody hard.

Take controll of your life. Do it now. Do it for your children. If you had the strength to survive your childhood you can do this.

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littlemisssarcastic · 21/01/2013 11:31

OP, I appreciate that you have had an awful childhood, but your DS has not.

You seem to put lots of your needs to mollycoddle your DS down to your childhood and what you have been through. That is not how your DS will see it, believe me.
When you want to walk your DS to the bus stop, you say it is because you care but your DS will see it as you don't trust him.
When you ask your DS to text you to make sure he is safe, you see it as a way to soothe your anxiety, to reassure you that he is safe. He will see it as you don't trust him to get where he needs to go safely.
Your DS does not fully understand the dangers that could befall him. He sees it as you don't want to take risks that are to him, very small risks.
If you continue to allow your anxieties to control your behaviour towards your DS, continue to ask him for reassurance to soothe your anxiety, which he probably knows came from your own childhood, he will feel you are making him responsible for your awful childhood, making him responsible for making you feel better, even if that means restricting what he does/where he goes. He will feel this is a price he should be paying to appease you.
He will end up feeling your relationship with him is all about you and your need to be soothed, reassured and appeased, regardless of how that affects him.
That's when the resentment sets in.

No one is the perfect parent, although many parents appear to be perfect to you, they are not.

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Pagwatch · 21/01/2013 11:31

I know why you are saying it. I am just explains why that way of thinking is not helpful.

Are you hearing anything in what people are posting to you that you are finding useful?

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 11:33

I don't expect anyone to tell me anything. I just haven't ever met anyone where we have both been in that situation. I am sure there are people who suffered a worse time and I feel so sad about that. When I have told people things they have reacted negatively so I have learnt to keep quiet.

RPF - I could answer you but I don't think I could explain very well so I will just thank you for your input.

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ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 21/01/2013 11:34

I am in awe of pictish, mcballs and Randall on this thread. They are being wonderfully honest and open with you, Fab. I hope you can take their posts on board.

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 11:35

Pagwatch - I have.

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