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Preteens

Is this normal and how do I deal with it as I am pretty upset?

242 replies

JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 08:05

DS1's school is open. He usually gets the bus and has too today as we can't drive after 8 hours of continuous snow. I wanted to walk to the bus stop with him in case he fell over and the bus didn't come. He did not want me too. He later snapped he'd be teased for being a mummy's boy. He went alone. I may have acted like a two year old as I didn't say bye. Normally he texts to say he is on the bus okay. He has texted DH instead so another one having a strop. DH said I should pick my battles and is fed up of the arguments, with DS1 and I, I suspect he means.

DS1 just texted me, he is at school okay.

I love this child so much. My first born, my heart, and it breaks my heart he treats me like I am nothing some times. We used to be so close and now it feels like he isn't bothered about me and doesn't need me anymore (unless he wants a lift).

I have felt like this for a while, not just over this morning.

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RandallPinkFloyd · 21/01/2013 11:41

You don't need to "answer" me op.

You are more than free to ignore every word anyone says. No one is asking you to explain yourself.

You've had some really insightful posts, whether or not you see that is a different matter.

All you have done is re-iterate why life is harder for you than it is for everyone else. That's simply not true. You have no idea what anyone on this thread has been through.

Your childhood is not solely responsible for your personality type.

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littlemisssarcastic · 21/01/2013 11:41

OP, you can continue as you have done....you can spend the rest of your life expecting your DS to comply with your need to be reassured, soothed and have your furrowed brow gently wiped over your awful childhood, and of course it wouldn't be your fault that your parenting was rather restrictive, it would all be down to your awful childhood. You can choose to spend the rest of your life explaining to DS that it's because you care/had a bad childhood, that ultimately, you are not at fault, your childhood is, your lack of parenting knowledge is.

Your DS will not agree!

He will grow to resent you, not sympathise with you.

If you choose to go down this road, you will end up with what you appear to fear the most....a distant relationship with your DC, if any.

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NormanTheForeman · 21/01/2013 11:42

Just because you have not met anyone who has had similar childhood experiences to you doesn't mean that you are the only one. You only have to look at the "Stately Homes" threads on here, to see that many people have had terrible abusive childhoods.

The important thing though, is to react positively. You say that you have "got it spectacularly wrong" with your children, but that really is a very negative way of looking at things. We all make mistakes in life (and in parenting there are many to be made!) but the main thing is that we learn from them and move on. If you just dwell on your mistakes and say "I've got it all wrong, I can't do it" then no-one will benefit. You will not be happy, your son will not be happy, and neither will the rest of your family.

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Pagwatch · 21/01/2013 11:46

Thank you Norman!

Fab, that's what I was trying to say. Norman said it better.

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LadyInDisguise · 21/01/2013 11:52

JustFabulous,

One comment has stand up for me.
I have never felt normal or the same as anyone else ... It feels like everyone else knows what they are doing.
Now believe me, even people who haven't had awful childhood experiences can feel like the odd one out.
And very few people have a clear idea of what they are doing.
And even if they do, it's likely theta they do now but will then encounter an issue they don't know how to handle or will handle it badly, just as you are.

I think it's very hard to let your child grow, to see them changing, transforming themselves from a little baby, to a child and then a teenager and adult.
It's hard because you want to protect them (and that's the most natural thing to do) but to allow them to grow and become fully balanced adults, you need to let them take their own decisions and make mistakes. They do need to make those (not so serious) mistakes to be able to learn and grow.

Seeing that he has taken the bus, does he have his wellies... all that are small risks to take for your ds but big experiences for him in learning to be independent and grow into a fantastic adult.
You have the opportunity to give him this fantastic chance to learn to be independent. Give it to him!
You have this chance to teach him how to deal with problems in his life. Take that chance and let him learn.

You will be an awesome mum to give him these (safe!) trials and tribulations in his life.

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RandallPinkFloyd · 21/01/2013 12:21

I don't know what it's like to parent a teen, but I do know what it's like to be one.

I'm dreading DS getting to that age because I'm terrified that I'll mess it up and he'll end up feeling the same way as I do about my mother.

It's one of the main reasons I'm still on MN. I want to learn. I want the insight that sometimes only strangers can have.

If I'm being a twat I want someone to tell me I'm being a twat. I don't want to just carry on doing it.

I don't have a parent to learn from. All I've got from them is what I don't want to do. That's not as helpful as it sounds!

There's some amazing parents on here, I learn from them every day.

BUT, the only way to learn is to really listen. Listen to what is actually said not what you interpret the words to mean.

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steppemum · 21/01/2013 12:22

Just fabulous, It is lovely that you love him so much, but actually he needs you to let him be a teenager.

My 10 year old went out to play in snow in trainers and no coat. When he came back frozen an hour later with soaked trousers, I just made him hot chocolate. When he wanted to go out later again I said casually - there are waterproof trousers, spare gloves and a hat in the drawer if you want them. her put everything on, and spent 3 hours sledging.
Sometimes you have to let them find out for themsleves.
If he slipped on the ice, he would get a bruised bum. So?? Next time he will remember not to run on icey bits.

Can I suggest that you think about giving him responsibility in lots of small ways. Let him know that you think he is old enough to be trusted to do certain things. Like being left on his own if you nip out to the shops, like maybe learn to cook a meal and then be given charge of the kitchen while he does it (no hovering over him), like given certain chores to do etc.

Let him know you value him growing up. Rejoice in it. he isn't a baby, love him fot he person he is now. (and give him a hug when no-one is looking)

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ScaredySquirrel · 21/01/2013 12:34

Justfab I grew up with a mother like you, and quite honestly it was exhausting. She also felt she had a crap childhood and wanted to do it right for us, but so much of the time it was about her not about us (and still is tbh)

Please read littlemisssarcastic's post a little bit further down, she hit the nail on the head for me.

also agree with someone else, we all feel that we don't know what we're doing at times. None of us have been a parent before, and all of our parents have made some mistakes, parented differently to us, or been in different situations.

my dd is also in y7, and I didn't think for a second about her walking off in the snow this morning (although I was actually surprised to see her wearing boots!). She went off without a coat I think too. But as your H says, in my view this isn't an important battle to have. They will still think you love them even if you don't walk them to the bus stop.

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 12:43

I know I have a problem as I see a lot of what is on this thread as a criticsim of me personally. I don't think I have it worse than anyone else, I was just saying why I felt the way I do. I constantly feel I do have to explain myself so assume that is me getting it wrong again. That is fine. I know what has happened and I know why I am the way I am. I also know that I have taken as much as I can so will say thank you to every one who has posted but I have to leave this now.

I always listen to what people advise. God knows I have asked for help enough times but tbh I don't feel I get much understanding and I also accept that I sound like a tantrumming child there. The last 2 weeks have been indescribably hard for me and I think today and this thread has just let the tears out.

Every single time I ask for help I do get some but I also get a lot of criticism and with everything else I have going on I can't help but think there is something wrong with me and that I will never find some understanding.

Thanks again.

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Pagwatch · 21/01/2013 12:50

I wish you didn't feel like that Fab but tbh I think you see criticism where it doesn't exist.

People on this thread are broadly trying to help you see how your behaviour impacts you and your child, how your negative thought processes are holding you back.

That is not a criticism of you. Seeing everything as a criticism and being upset by it rather than hearing hat people are saying in order to help keeps you stuck tbh.

When you are explains to your child hy their behaviour might be causing them problems you are not criticising or attacking are you. You are trying to bring clarity and help them move forward.

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 12:57

I do that in real life too and tbh it is really wearing and I often slap myself about it.

I just don't know how to explain to the children without having to tell them what has happened to me as a child as I really don't want to do that. They know I didn't have a mum and that I didn't have things like they do.

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 12:58

I totally misread your last paragrapth there Pagwatch so my last one looks out of place.

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Pagwatch · 21/01/2013 13:03

It's alright Fab.
I am just not sure what else you need now tbh. I hope the stacks of good advice on here helps rather than the bits you feel are critical of you.

Your thread was about your son and his need for independence causing difficulties. Most people have explained that teenage boys naturally pull at their ties to their mother and that this is not a rejection, just a natural push for independence.
I am guessing there are other issues but hopefully recognising and understanding that all pre-teen boys get a bit 'aww mum, stop fussing' helps a bit.

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NotaDisneyMum · 21/01/2013 13:04

JustFab - you say you know why you are the way you are; but the way you are is a choice - so why are you choosing to be this way?

Only you can choose to be different; until you want to change, then you're life won't change and the things you don't like about it will carry on happening because of your choices.

Yes, it's hard. It's a lot easier to give in to the exhaustion and fear and accept that 'you keep getting it wrong' than it is to learn from your experience.

You don't need to tell your DCs about your childhood - you may choose to, but there will be negative consequences of doing that as well as positive ones. Everything choice has positives and negatives - you can't avoid that!

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overmydeadbody · 21/01/2013 13:08

You really don't need to explain to your children about your past, that will just make you out to be the poor victim and they won't like that.

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happynewmind · 21/01/2013 13:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 13:10

See, even got that wrong. DS saying not to me walking him to the bus stop did not translate to me that he wanted independence. I took it as a rejection of my love for him.

FFS I am annoyimg myself now for being so clueless.

I have tried hard to change.

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 13:12

I don't want to tell them anything. I misread Pagwatch's post.

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NormanTheForeman · 21/01/2013 13:14

I think in some ways you are very much fixated on the past, and using that to justify why you are the way you are. I'm not trying to belittle the fact that you had an awful childhood. But I think until you can let go of that and move on you (and your family) won't be happy.

You can't change the past, but you can change the future, and what you need to be concentrating on is what you can do for your lovely dcs. And sometimes what you can do is actually letting go and allowing a bit more breathing space. It's not easy, I sometimes feel sad that my ds isn't my "little boy" any more, but I'm seeing him turn into a wonderful pre-teen who is still lovely but in different ways. Smile

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NormanTheForeman · 21/01/2013 13:18

Maybe sometimes you need to remind yourself of all the positive things you have already done for your dcs instead of concentrating on the things you have got wrong. I bet if you added up all the things you have done right, there would be far more of them!

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RandallPinkFloyd · 21/01/2013 13:18

Right, there is your first moment of proper insight into the situation.

You realise you saw it wrongly and jumped straight on the defensive.

Keep that thought. That's your starting point.

Continuing to look for the reasons for your reactions is counter-productive, it just fuels your persecution complex and you'll find ways to excuse it.

It doesn't matter why you did it, what matters is finding a way not to do it.

You can do it, you're not a lost cause unless you choose to be.

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overmydeadbody · 21/01/2013 13:19

Ok that's good.

At least now you'll know he is not rejecting you if he doesn't want you to do things with you, or doesn't want your help, or texts his dad, it just means he is being independent.

He'll still come to you when he does need help.

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 13:19

I care too much about what people think and I think it is because I had more care from strangers I met than the people who were meant to look after me.

Pre-kids I got on with my life and I was okay. Had babies and then it all went awry.

For the last few years I have had to deal with childhood things and when it is on going it is always in my mind even when not consciously thinking about it.

I want to be more instinctive, less worrying and a much better mum.

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facebookaddictno9 · 21/01/2013 13:20

.

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JustFabulous · 21/01/2013 13:24

I have decided I will make DS1's favourite cake for tea. Do I also need to apologise for being an idiot this morning?

facebookaddict Confused.

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