Anyone had problems with pre school? I think they are trying to label my son as autistic

[roseability]

I am pretty sure my ds keyworker was suggesting my ds is on the autistic spectrum

We are confident this is not the case, as at home and at family functions he shows no signs

We had a meeting today with the deputy head of the school (who oversees the nursery) as we had some concerns about how this has been handled

Does anyone else have experience of this?

Crikey, this is almost to the word what I posted five years ago when a paed suggested ASD 'completely out of the blue', or so I though. God I was so angry, so was my family, MIL, friends. I dug out every contact I had who could tell me what I wanted to hear, we even went and got a second opinion from a private paed, but only heard the bits where she said that DS1 was 'intelligent', completely ignoring the part where she explained his social communication deficiencies. In a 3 year old, the differenes are so subtle, that only very experienced professionals would be able to spot them. I certainly didn't have a clue, but i was adamant that I knew him better than any professional. I also remember thinking, when so many lovely, friendly mumsnetters posted offering very gentle advice and support, 'but why are they all telling me these things, DS1 is not autistic, they have all got it wrong'. Now he is a lovely, wonderful almost 7 year old, and severely autistic.
His nursery had no idea by the way, it came as a total surprise to them. A top notch private nursery with superb staff. Go figure.
I have never met a parent of a child with SN who was not helpful, kind or supportive. There are no agendas in this funny, weird world of ours.

The difficult thing with this thread for me is how the suggestion that a child may have autism is a slur, a slight, an accusation, a dreadful abhorrent thing to say.

I understand that no one welcomes the idea that a child may have difficulties but an 'accusation' of dyslexia or dyspraxia or hearing issues would not I am sure attract such distress and fury.

Our children seem to share a diagnosis that for some still represents a severing with 'normal' no matter how mild the behaviours, how able and loving the child.

I think it is sad. I used to read this a lot when ds1 was going through diagnosis 10 years ago but I had hoped there was less stigma and shame than I saw back then.

I symathise with anyone dealing with the shock and surprise of a suggestion of asd. But there is a level of horror which I find uncomfortable reading.
Surely 'good grief, I am sure that is not the case' is reasonable and entirely understandable.
OMG how can anyone say such a thing!!!!!! is less so.

Well exactly, Pag (although I do seem to recall some poster a while back wondering how to cope with the abhorrent idea that her child might be shortsighted and need glasses...)

I was thinking that too pagwatch.

Ds1 has turned out to be what I thought was my worst nightmare when he was 2 (i.e. severely autistic). I was very silly - ten years later - he is utterly wonderful, completely crazy and makes me laugh out loud every day.

it's the people who look at my life with horror that I no longer speak to (form friends/family circle)

dd1 is fantastic (and a LOT less trouble than dd2, who runs rings around us all )

if people cannot understand that she is not a lesser being, because hse willnot ever (probably) achieve academically, then more fool them - it is their life which greys and dims a little from losing her in it, not our life which is, as saintly says, full of lol moments daily (even if a lot of them also come with a factor )

Crappers posted too soon. What i meant was I think I felt that way too, or if not angry at some perceived accusation, then at least very distressed. Like he had been diagnosed with a terminal illness. I was very silly too. But disability has such a stigma still - my sister is a sn teacher and she comes across parents all the time who do not want anyone to know that their child attends a special school.
Fear of the unknown, maybe?

drowninginlaundry - really? re: parents keeping quiet about special school? how very sad.

I thought things had moved on since the dark days when disability was never mentioned.

I know there is still a deep inequality in society as to how disabled people are viewed, but I thought we had (as a whole) got past being ashamed and keeping it secret.

pagwatch where have I suggested abhorrance at the suggestion of autism?

I don't want him to have difficulties in life of course I don't - because I love him. I would be just as concerned if a doctor was suggesting he had a physical illness that could hinder him

And you can fuck of with your accusation of stigmatisation without knowing me at all. I have compaigned for the Scottish Association for Mental Health including writing for their publication about the stigma of mental health (not equating autism with mental health btw) as my birth mother had schizophrenia

I have worked with disabled children and children with severe learning difficulties as a nurse. They were each cherished individually

But you see I have suddenly realised why this thread is nuts. I seem to have 'triggered' many of you and there is a resonance of wanting my ds to be autistic just so you can say 'there I told you that you had misconceptions about autism'

I am not a scapegoat. I don't know as much about it as a professional or of course those of you with children who are on the spectrum.

I can categorically state that I am aware that autistic children are bright and loving and can be difficult to spot. However I am also aware that it can mean difficulties in education and life and well sorry for being concerned about my son.

My son is my son and a diagnosis wouldn't change who he is to me or my love for him. I have no narcissistic desire for him to be perfect or faultless. I grew up in that environment so go and read the stately homes threads if you want proof that I am trying to be a normal and loving mother

For what it is worth my dd was born with urinary reflux and I went through just as much concern and worry with that. Thankfully it has resolved

For those who are so passionate about the stigma of autism (which I am sure does exist) I hope you are campaigning about it.

If my son is autistic I will be the first to be open about it and proud of his individuality so I take great offence at some of the accusations flying at me here

People often treat special school as one of the worst thing possible don't they. I've lost count kf the. Umber of times I've heard someone say about a child with SN 'oh they go to mainstream' as if it's a good thing and now I always think poor kid . Well not always I know it can work but....

I would have been sick on e spot if you'd showed me ds1's school when he was 2. Now I think it is a fabulous place and I feel honoured to have had it in my life. Such a happy place.

There was a whole world out there I knew nothing about.

I think learning disabilities/autism have a much bigger stigma than physical ones.

Um I have no wish to tell you your son is autistic. What a bizarre notion. As I said earlier I have no idea as I've never met him.

People have just shared their experiences (quite personal ones in many cases) and your angry reaction is quite bizarre.

If it's not relevant to your son just ignore the advice on different ways to get assessed. It's up to you - certainly makes no difference to me whether your son gets assessed or not. Was happy to share our experiences but there doesn't seem to be much point (although might be helpful to others I guess).

My friend is a very experienced nursery teacher, her sister a specialist childrens nurse, her brother a gp.

I met her son in elc when he was 22 months. I knew in 2 minutes that he was autistic ( partly he was counting into hundreds) It took another 12 months for her to see it for herself. I didn't mention it directly but arranged for him to spend time with other children the same age so that she could see(he was her 1st).

He is now 15 and an amazing and gifted child.

Sometimes those closest to a child don't see what others do.

I don't particularly campaign about autism stigma for what it's worth. I used to try and educate people now I don't bother. People either get it or they don't ime. If they don't as long as they're not having much to do with me i don't care. I'd rather put my energy into doing fun things with my son (surfing, horse riding, camping etc).

saintly - agree. I would have been horrified probably, if I had seen dd1's school - where are the facilities? where are the other children? (tiny school) what about her extra curricular activities - I mean, no orchestra?! not a school for my dd then...

but now, her school is the benchmark by which I hold dd2's school up to be measured. can dd2 be as happy and have her needs addressed to the degree that dd1 is/can?

if not, then it's not a school I want dd2 to go to.

it certainly does refocus your life.

OP: you have brought the suggestions of abhorence on yourself, I am afraid.

and as for us all being here wanting your ds to be autistic - hahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahhahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahah

yes, I spend my life looking out for people I can hope are disabled, and I wish all the difficulties on everyone around me daily. it must be because I am so bitter about it all (just pre-empting the next argument)

your posts have a huge whiff of "shoot the messenger" about them.

fine.

ignore us all - we have repeatedly said we do not know your ds, and cannot say either way whether he has ASD or not.

what we have said is that your reasons as to why he doesn't have ASD are not valid. because they are not.

I wasn't being patronising, I was trying to be kind.

It's clearly not worth the fucking effort, so I shan't bother again.

"But you see I have suddenly realised why this thread is nuts. I seem to have 'triggered' many of you and there is a resonance of wanting my ds to be autistic just so you can say 'there I told you that you had misconceptions about autism" Yes because as parents living with the difficulties of living with children with ASD we would certainly want that for another parent/child, just so we could be right!! what planet are you on!

"And you can fuck of with your accusation of stigmatisation without knowing me at all"!! did anyone say this was aimed at you?? And sorry but there is huge amounts of tigmatisation against ASD, some people still believe autism is children sitting in the corner rocking back and forth and screaming. You w would be shocked by the amount of times I have have people say "but she doesnt seem autistic"

Im going to leave this thread now because clearly you dont want to hear advice from people who might know what your going though and know more about ASD than most. You clearly just want to moan about the Nursery nurse and get everyone to agree with you.

It was the suggestion that I am stigmatising ASD that pissed me off

Op you are completely barking if you really think the people that have responded to your thread have done so out of wanting to fulfil their own agenda.

Gosh! Roseability, what a nightmare for you!

That NN sounds like a witch! She has handled this terribly. She needs to be repreimanded. Do not hesitate to report her to the local council (if it is a council nursery) and to the head of the nursery. She really needs to be taught a lesson in (a) handling sensitive information (b) jumping to crazy conclusions. Jesus.

As for your wee boy. He sounds lovely and normal to me. Not at all ADHD / autistic / Aspergers (even high functioning!). He actually sounds bright (but not, you know, Rain Man bright) to me. I wonder if the nursery nurse is not used to seeing such bright kids and has got the wrong end of the stick?

He sounds sociable and clever and pleasant and articulate. in fact, everything you would wish for in a son. Really. He does not sound as if anything is wrong at all. These days, these professionals are just so quick to label children. I mean, why? It's ridiculous. Your son sounds like he is bored at nursery and they don't quite know how to handle a child with a high IQ. POssibly.

So, just ignore her. I mean, I am not qualified or anything. But I have met two SN children in my life and your little boy sounds NOTHING like them. FFS. And whilst I am reassuring you based only on what I am reading on an internet thread, truly, just ignore her. Then report her. I have no idea what she jopes to achieve by these overblown accusations.

That should teach her to poke her nose into your son's business.

You do know your son best and you would do anything for him. Keep doing what you are doing! You are doing a great job. You don't sound like you would have a child with SN at all.

There, Roseability, I am guessing that's the kind of answer you were hoping for? Well, there you go.

You seem determined to be furious. I wonder if you have any insight into why you are relentlessly lashing out at people who have taken the trouble to post, mostly with huge empathy.

Your reaction to the suggestion of autism has been fury and dismay.You arugued with the first person to raise it and you continue in 'fuck off' fashion right through this thread with the many and varied people who have sought to engage with you.

Perhaps this is a welcome distraction for you. It seems to serve no other useful purpose

"You don't sound like you would have a child with SN at all."

i think you've hit the nail on the head greythorne.

Well said Greythorne!

You have had so many kind and knowledgeable people spend quite a lot of time posting considered and intelligent posts and your response is to lash out and to tell them to fuck off.

Rather like your response to the nursery nurse.

I hope you can do what is best for your child (which is CLEARLY to have an assessment) once your upset and trauma has calmed down. And I hope that at some point you come back and thank everyone for their input and thought.

Sadly I'm not sure either of those is going to happen.

I have been following this thread and I would like to say that the OP HAS been treated meanly. It began right at the start with Lisad123's assertions that the OP thought "she knew it all" then Acanthus chipped in with some patronizing and mean comment....it all went downhill.

Yes the OP is emotional and also articulate...people DO seem to be harsh to her.