I've no right to feel this bad

[firemansam]

I was just wondering if anyone had had a similar experience, and whether there was any light at the end of the tunnel.

2 1/2 weeks ago I was 31+4 pregnant and started bleeding on Easter Monday morning. I was rushed to hospital where they couldn't find a heartbeat. They tried another scanner thing and saw the heartbeat but she wasn't moving. They said I was having a placental abruption and that I needed an emergency cesarean immediately. So I was rushed to theatre, given a spinal block (wish they'd given me a general) and they took her out. I didn't see her as she went straight to intensive care, and I was puking really badly as a reaction to everything I think. I didn't stop puking for 24hours, and had a catheter for 48 as I had lost loads of blood and my kidneys had packed up. Anyway, that all got better over a few days in hospital, altho they kept me in for 6 days coz of blood pressure problems.

I saw my daughter from a wheelchair 24 hours later, and have been with her every day of course since then. Apart from a very dodgy start and being very small (2lbs 12oz) she's absolutely fine and is just starting to put on weight. She seems very content.

I was fine coping for 2 weeks. I was in survival mode. But now my husband has gone back to work I am literally unable to cope. I can't sleep, I can't be with my 5 year old, I am panicking constantly. I had really bad prenatal depression and was just getting back on track with the right medication when she was born. I'm still on the meds but I'm a mess. I just don't want to get out of bed, not that I can sleep. I'm paralysed by fear of when she comes home and i'm feeling like this and will be incapable of looking after her. As if she hasn't had a bad enough start as it is.

But she's fine, so I should't be feeling like this. I should be full of joy that she's ok, like my husband. I feel ungrateful and utterly guilty.

I don't suppose anyone has had the same experience, but if anyone can help me see any hope I would be really really grateful. I have an appointment to see the hospital counsellor on monday.

Oh and anothing thing, Is there a Bliss group in your area ? Mine are brilliant.

Bliss message board is good...

Bliss do free councilling too, 8 sessions I think.

Sorry, that was 3 things!

Gotta go to work now.

That was quick, thank you!!

I came back to mention the Bliss boards/website, but see someone has beaten me to it, they are very good.

Also, no idea where you are, but some hospitals have parents' support groups (eg I know that Kingston does, under the 'Born Too Soon' charity there, led by Pauline Woods). I am sure others do - although our unit didn't/doesn't.

Best wishes

Thanks again everyone.

My therapist says I shouldn't go on Mumsnet as it just reinforces my fears and anxiety, so I feel guilty every time I come on here.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. Is it my anxiety loop or is it the experience I've had. But I think I've made a terrible mistake having another child. It was selfish and irresponsible given my mental health history.

And my Mum told me in a roundabout way yesterday to 'get a grip' - she was stressing over my ironing (she comes to help but somehow makes it in to a massive stress-fest) and I told her that perhaps it was all too much for her, and she shouted 'Just because you hate life, doesn't mean I do'.

I literally cannot imagine things getting better, and I am a weak person for not being able to use all my therapy to rationalise my way out of it.

My Mum would say posting on here was completely self indulgent.

Thanks again everyone.

My therapist says I shouldn't go on Mumsnet as it just reinforces my fears and anxiety, so I feel guilty every time I come on here.

I really don't know what's wrong with me. Is it my anxiety loop or is it the experience I've had. But I think I've made a terrible mistake having another child. It was selfish and irresponsible given my mental health history.

And my Mum told me in a roundabout way yesterday to 'get a grip' - she was stressing over my ironing (she comes to help but somehow makes it in to a massive stress-fest) and I told her that perhaps it was all too much for her, and she shouted 'Just because you hate life, doesn't mean I do'.

I literally cannot imagine things getting better, and I am a weak person for not being able to use all my therapy to rationalise my way out of it.

My Mum would say posting on here was completely self indulgent.

Hi,

6 months ago I also had my baby early much to my shock. My pregnancy was fine then at my 30 week MV app my BP was very high - I felt fine, was rushed to hospital and told it was pre-eclampsia and would need to stay in. I didnt even have my hospital bag prepared!! A week went by and I still felt fine, then at 31 weeks I felt awful and couldnt stand my BP went through the roof and I was rushed to theatre (although had to transfer hosp first as no cots in SCBU) and my daughter was born weighing 2lbs 7oz via em c-section. She was so small as she had IUGR also.

I caught a glimpse of my little rabbit and then she was taken away to SCBU. I was very ill after and didnt see her for 48hrs and I will never forget the sight of my tiny, furry baby with her eyes fused shut with her tiny ribs poking out - I just broke down and couldnt talk I didnt stop crying for a long time.

Gradually she put on weight and I felt less helpless and 5 weeks later weighing 3lbs 3oz she came home. Once she was home I felt so unsupported, espcially as a first time mum. I dont think others can understand unless they have had a premature baby how hard it is. Evelyn fed once an hour over 24hours and I was exhaused and at the end of my tether. I should have asked for help but was stubborn and didnt want anyone interfering!! I think it was due to having to ask permission for everything in SCBU I wanted to do everything myself

Evelyn rolled over for the first time today and I cried, I never thought I would get here and I never thought she would get so big

It does get better, I dont think you ever forget and the memories remain but it does get better. x

You poor thing - you've really been through it I've been through a very similar experience (also had a 5 yr old)when I had dd at 30+5 last year following PROM. She was 3lb 10 at birth but lost a pound the following week so similar weight to your dd. I didn't have prenatal depression and yet the experience was utterly traumatic for me. I felt guilty +++ as couldn't be with my 5 yr old when visiting dd, likewise when with my ds I missed dd desperately. It went on for 5 weeks but felt like an eternity. And like your dd, she was perfectly healthy - no complications at all. I also hated people commenting on her size - though of course I understand that they didn't mean to upset me. I found myself telling people she was premature before they commented on how small she was. I was also overly preoccupied with the clinic visit and weight gain. She is now a year old and things are much more settled (for me - she has always been fine!). I hope you get good help from the mental health team and don't be hard on yourself. If you get the right help now, you will be able to get on with enjoying your dd instead of worrying about her