Unexpected 4th pregnancy.. Regret abortion

[KatieBee25]

Hi everyone, it's been 2 months since I had an abortion with my 4th pregnancy. It was completely unplanned and accidental. I already have 3 children who are 8,6 and nearly 2.
I decided to terminate the pregnancy at 5 and a half weeks, as I felt like we couldn't cope with another baby. I am a stay at home mum, with no family support apart from my husband. My 8 year old is possible ASD/ADHD and demands a lot of attention. Our house is a 4 bed so each of the children have their own room, if we had kept the pregnancy it would have been really hard.
However since having the abortion I feel so much guilt and regret and long to be pregnant. I feel like all the reasons I didn't want the baby we could have overcome and it would have been hard but at least I'd have a baby, now I just have this pain and guilt.
i have been considering having another baby to take away the pain, all i think about is being pregnant again!!!

Just after some advice on what to do.. will the guilt and grief get easier? Or should I just have another baby to help with moving on from the abortion?
I felt I rushed into the decision to abort because I didn't want the pregnancy to progress any further as I would have found it even harder to terminate the pregnancy.

please be kind as I've already judged myself enough as is!

thanks xxx

@KatieBee25 its so nice to hear that your husband is giving you full autonomy over your body and choices in life. In regard to your husband not stopping you from terminating the pregnancy, I don’t think they know any better. They are not aware of the mental toll it can have on a woman. I was actually expecting the counsellor and abortionist/doctor to stop me especially since I wasn’t 100% on terminating, they should have known better, but I think they are more money hungry than to actually consider a woman’s mental health.

It’s good that your heart is open to welcoming another baby after the abortion. Thats a positive direction you’re headed in. Children are a blessing.

I would say just follow your heart. If you are in a space to welcome another baby and yearning for another baby (and your family is ready for another little one), then I say go for it. I come from a family of 4 children, my mother told me that 4 children is no different than managing 3 children. After 3 children, they almost take care of one another. And you are young, you have time now or later. It doesn’t get harder later (not for us at least) because me and my husband are older and still manage with little ones. Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. I think it will all work out in the end.

Hi,

I really resonate with everything you have said, and sadly I’m in the same position. Found out I was pregnant with third child and instead of joy, felt overwhelming fear and worry. Im 38, turning 39 in a few months and both of our children are in school
now. My husband was shocked and clearly not on board with a third but said he would support whatever I wanted. I felt so much pressure because I didn’t know what I wanted. I went back and forth for a week of chronic indecision and set myself a deadline to decide before being 6 weeks, as I knew that if there was a heartbeat I would never have gone through with it. I woke up anxious at 5 weeks 5 days and took the first pill. It’s like it was an out of body experience, I can’t believe I actually did it. I had a panic attack and wish I had thought to try and make myself vomit but I didn’t. I rang BPAS and they told me I didn’t have to take the second set and wait to see what happened. Tragically I started bleeding the next day and ultrasound confirmed the pregnancy was no longer viable, so had no choice but to continue. I feel so much guilt and shame, I don’t know how I can live with this. I have taken a brother/sister away from my children and I don’t understand how I let fear take over. I now feel desperate to have the baby back and I’m crying seeing other people have third babies. This is very recent so I know hormones may still be intensifying feelings but I just don’t know how I can ever reconcile what I’ve caused. Would love to hear (kind) advice. I have never struggled with my mental health before so this is all new to me.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Im nearly 7 months out now, and I remember the first few weeks were the worst, I honestly didn’t know if I would survive at all - I was at such a dark place afterwards. It has slowly gotten better in time and with help of medication and a lot of therapy. I would recommend therapy for this, I don’t know how I would have navigated this without a professional. I also have two kids and this happened with my third pregnancy. Only difference is my pregnancy was actually planned but I experienced extreme anxiety/ocd and depression when i found out i was pregnant which sent me into a neverending spiral - or so it seemed it would never end. I pressured myself to terminate as soon as possible so the pregnancy would not progress, and as you can guess I was consumed with the regret and guilt afterwards. Its been hell but it has slowly gotten better.

@Thiscantbeme
so sorry to read your message and to hear about what you've been through. It truly is the worst experience and hardest thing I've ever gone through. For me my termination was in November and if I'm totally honest it has completely changed me as a person and it has been so so hard

I agree with @LivinginNightmare therapy can really help and lots of conversations with chat gpt (basically a free therapist!) I didn't want to speak to anyone for a long time it was only around 6 months post abortion that I felt ready to reach out to a therapist and try and work through what happened and to really process it.

I also went back and forth about having another baby so something good would come out of the regret and guilt I felt, but now nearly 8 months on I realise that that was just me trying to find a solution to the guilt I felt and maybe wasn't what I truly wanted. I was just trying to atone for the abortion if that makes sense?!
when really it was a really hard decision but I made it for my other children and to be able to be the best mum I can be for them instead of the stress and pressure of another baby.
I still have ups and downs and bad days where I wish I could see my life sliding doors and be pregnant and see what our life would have been like with 4 kids but deep down I know I would never have planned another baby and my family felt complete as it was.
just know that although I'm sure you are at rock bottom now which is horrible, time does help, and it will get easier. Just please be kind to yourself and if you need help reach out to someone for counselling or even your GP
sending you lots of love xx

@Thiscantbeme if you ever want to private message me you can as I do feel like my head is in a better place now.
I don't think I'll ever be back to my old self pre abortion, and I am the same- I never suffered with my mental health before, but since the abortion Ive had anxiety, panic attacks and depression. I managed to work through this without needing antidepressants but honestly if that's what you need then definitely contact the GP.

I still find it hard seeing women who are heavily pregnant and due the same time I would have been , families with 4 kids etc but now instead of it making me breakdown and cry and feel intense guilt it is slowly easing and I've been able to forgive myself slowly

I promise it will get better, sadly I do think it is something we will have to live with but the pain will get easier to carry.

hope this helps you or brings you a bit of comfort to know you aren't alone x

Thank you @KatieBee25 and @LivinginNightmare, I have been to my first therapy session and going again next week. I’’m glad you are both starting to feel better with time. I am currently at the point of desperately wishing to be pregnant again and constantly reliving the moment and trying to make sense of it, but I know I need to wait it out and see how I feel in a few months (though age was a big factor in the decision anyway). Maybe I’ll never make sense of it or forgive myself but just learn to live with it. It is comforting knowing I’m not the only one who has gone through this, I never thought I’d be in this position but I guess life is full of surprises that aren’t always good. Sending love to you and any others who are feeling this way ❤️

I'm 6 weeks pregnant and is 38 I have 3 children one 13 one 9 and 6 my partner doesn't want the baby