Planned third and now unsure

[iverunoutofinspiration]

I’ll keep this brief - I have two children and my husband and I planned a third and fell pregnant first month of trying. Now I’m petrified. We worked out finances etc before we started trying and I had a rose tinted view of everything and now the reality is here I don’t actually want to pull my children out of private school, have fewer experiences and sacrifice their quality of life. I am also worried about the baby having additional needs and that really changing our family dynamic..

Did anyone else feel like this and terminate and feel at ease with the choice? I’m 6 weeks and have my pills arriving in the post so do have some time to decide but I am so 50/50. On one hand I think we’ll cope - maybe we send this baby private after infant school? - and the other I think I need to prioritise my living family. Help…

How are you getting on? Did it all go ok and are you happy with your decision?

@Clangershomei am not doing great. I feel so much regret. I know it was the right thing but am now trying to figure out how we can set up our lives so that we can bring another baby into the world. I dunno I feel like I’m grasping but I also feel like as a mum, how could I have done that? I know it’s grief so am giving myself time to process but have said to my husband I don’t think I can see myself with two children - more so now than ever x thanks for checking in

Sorry you are not doing great. You seemed pretty head strong in your original message so I thought you were going to be one of the ones who is fine after. It is very common to want to try again straight after I believe. Give it time and let your emotions and hormones settle and then you will know what you want.

Sorry you are having a hard time. It is very early days and won't always feel like this - although yourself to grieve and be sad (if that's how you feel). Just because it feels bad doesn't mean it was the wrong choice.

Your hormones will also be playing havoc with your feelings at the moment too. Your body knows its had a loss and will be making you 'broody'. Definitely give yourself time and grace.

Be kind to yourself and remember your solid reasons why you did this

I’m in the exact same position. Around 5 weeks with the pills sat on the table waiting. I think you were incredibly brave and it sounds like your mind and gut knew it was the right decision. Your heart will catch up.

@Lazybearssending you lots of love x

@ByDreamyMintNewtevery day is a wild ride. I just wish it never happened at all and I was content with what I had

Oh @iverunoutofinspiration i had to comment again as that sentence really hit a memory for me and I’ve felt that very feeling. You were always content with what you had, don’t feel guilt as if you weren’t content as I know first hand how that can eat away at you. Of course you were - you were just so content that you wanted more of that and how can that be wrong. I think that this set of circumstances more often happens to the really happy families as they’re the ones that have so much to lose, they’re the ones that we’re ever so scared to damage in some way.

@Lazybears Hope you’re ok X

@iverunoutofinspiration hope you’re doing a little better. It’s such a tough road to walk. Your kids are lucky to have a Mum that cares enough to go to the ends of the earth to safeguard their future.

@Poster57thanks for the message! In a much better place now and feeling the total opposite. I must admit I still have the feeling of wanting another but it’s not as overwhelming x

Hey, glad you are feeling better now! Does that mean you are not going to try again? I’ve done a 360 and feeling much better too 😊

@Clangershomedid you end up progressing with the pregnancy? I said I’d give it until January to make a decision and go from there so there’s enough time for it not to feel like a knee jerk decision! Right now I’m on the fence still

@iverunoutofinspiration that sounds really sensible. I knew I was never going to be ok without that 3rd child so for me I guess it was more clear cut. I will be forever grateful that I firstly was able to get pregnant and also that I was pregnant before my original due date. So as much as the post partum hormones have flooded in and i have some additional processing to do from that original pregnancy - I know that without it she couldn’t have existed and that gives me a lot of comfort.

It’s wild to me how differently people process the whole thing. I’ve really struggled yet some women never look back. I’m envious of them as I really think that they’re right. We should absolutely be able to make sensible decisions about our own bodies & also make whatever other reproductive choices are right for us at a time that’s right for us.

That sounds the right thing to do. I didn’t progress. It took me a few months to come to terms with it but it was a complicated early pregnancy that seemed to be risky. The signs were suggesting it wouldn’t have ended well. I don’t know to be honest but the poor outcomes could have been really bad. I have decided to stick with my 2 lovely children. Never say never but I think that is it for me. It has opened my eyes to a whole lot I never knew and also I’m super interested in fostering and / or adopting (I was considering adopting previously but hadn’t considered fostering. And enrolled to do volunteering for the Samaritans.

@Poster57it is interesting how we all process differently and I guess a lot of it - both ways - is just the story we tell ourselves to help us get through each day. I know that’s true for me anyway. I’m glad you got your happy ending x

@Clangershomeyoi sound like you’ve made peace and a lot of good has come from a sad situation. I do think now two is enough but if money was no object i would definitely have loved a third x

@iverunoutofinspiration i think you’re right. Positive self talk goes a long way. I wish I could be better at it! 🙈

@iverunoutofinspiration ive sent you a wee DM. I hope that’s ok x

Hi
I couldn't write it better myself. I was in the exact situation. I found myself pregant with No.3 and decided to terminate. We are doing okay financially but our jobs are very demanding. I barely have time for my 2 children. I never pictured myself with 3. All I saw was a threat to our current dynamics. How selfish and foolish of me. I was on the fence. Some days I wanted to keep, but in the end, I listened to my mother who said my current kids are still too young and other million things I don't remember. I'm living overseas just by myself so it's not easy to juggle between work and life. I terminated at 6wks.
Everyday is constant torture. It hit me really hard when my little daughter cuddles up with her dolls saying she loves little baby. My husband has been supportive even though he loves having the third child.... I feel so detached to reality. I don't think the guilt and regrets will ever leave me. I can't come to terms that I snatched my baby out when it was safe and sound in my womb..