I feel like I am being pushed into having a termination and I just dont know what to do :(

[Jfg95]

Hey guys, I found out I was pregnant on Sunday and it is currently Wednesday.. Over the last few days there has been a lot of chatting and thinking going on. I currently live at home with my mum, have recently recovered from Anorexia and have EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder), ADHD and Autism. My circumstances are clearly not ideal. However my mum is completely dismissing and uninterested in how I feel as she thinks I should just have an Abortion, which I don't want, I feel to anxious to make the decision now as I cant tell how much of it will be influenced by her opinion. It doesn't feel like its my choice and it feels very disempowering, but I cant tell if I would be being unreasonable not terminating. This is too much of a big decision to make when youre full of hormones :(

No one wants to have an abortion but sometimes it's the right thing to do. If I were you I'd have an abortion and then I'd put everything into getting myself into a position where I could provide a happy stable loving home for any future children. A stable job and somewhere to live are the very basics that you need.

You should want the very best you can manage for future kids. It should be more about their needs not yours.

There are plenty of ND mothers out the who are brilliant Mums and there are lots of brilliant Mums who have overcome things like anorexia but you need to be pragmatic about it and at least try and get yourself in a stronger and more stable situation.

@NImumconfused
Maybe a family therapy style appointment with you and your mum, with a neutral third party would be the way to go?

That's a good suggestion.

“Expected to parent for far too long now” that is the stupidest thing I have heard all year! Of course we bloody are that’s what being a parent is..why have kids if you only wanted to parent just for the early years?! And sorry WTF is she pushing her mum into doing that she doesn’t want? It’s HER body and HER decision who gives a shit of her mum doesn’t want her to have a child

Huh? Her mum gets to give a shit if she has to parent the baby.

I didn't have kids so I could bring up their kids. Being a parent isn't parenting until you are 60.

Being a parent is about being there for your children until the end! Don’t be surprised if your kids give you the biggest middle finger when you are old and need them!!!

@Cleo09 If the OP was in a position to raise a child without the support of her mother, she wouldn't need to factor in her mothers opinion on this. Presumably OP would like the support of her mother to raise the child, and therefore needs to give a shit what her mother thinks because she can't do it without her mother's help.

Her mother is entitled not to extend ongoing support if a child enters the picture, she may well feel she's at the limit of what she can offer OP, and that's fair enough. If OP can support herself, and raise a child alone, then what her mum thinks she should do is neither here nor there, but it doesn't seem to be the case.

Being a parent isn't about agreeing to any and everything for fear of being given the middle finger. Being a parent involves holding the line often, while being given the middle finger, because that's part of the job.

This 💯

@Cleo09
I imagine the Mums reasons for not wanting her daughter to continue with the pregnancy are mixed but don't you think one of the main reasons will be because the daughter has recovering from anorexia and has other issues that she is dealing with.

I'll risk their middle fingers! I have enough to go into a care home and pay for my care. I am not bringing up any grandchildren full time though. I have reached my limit . Presumably the Op's mum has reached hers.

Oh I can 100% see why her mum is anxious given the OP situation however it is a decision the OP needs to make as she can’t undo the abortion and the guilt make make her MH even worse

No one knows the case as the OP isn’t adding any more info / answering questions so too much speculation is going on on this thread

That's why OP needs to get some counselling: to find out if she really has any "guilt", or even if her "guilt" is rational. I would feel "guilt" at having the baby, in her place.

@Cleo09

No one knows the case as the OP isn’t adding any more info / answering questions so too much speculation is going on on this thread

We know she is disabled and not living independently.

@Cleo09 having a baby that you can't look after is pretty undoable and known for being not brilliant for one's mental health too.

She cannot undo having a baby either
And if she can't meet that child's needs then she'll feel more guilt than any abortion could lead to.

It's not tit for tat. So many parents give their lives to their kids only to be abandoned in their old age anyway.
As a parent it's your duty to raise children into adulthood, help out of love when needed but not to pick up the pieces for every single decision they make. At some point they have to be independent.

@Jfg95 it's not wrong for you to want to be 'heard' but that's what an independent counsellor is for. Your mother is also human, not your therapist and is probably just making her feelings clear - she won't raise a grandchild, which she's entitled to do.

I get that being ND you might struggle with executive dysfunction etc but don't blame your mother, Get some support yourself, from external sources. Then decide how you want to proceed.

Sorry where does it say she’s disabled??

@Cleo09 It’s the not living independently aspect that’s relevant. OP has not indicated if she can or not. If she can, then it’s really clear cut, she makes whatever choice she wants, moves out if necessary and parents independently with any parental help being a bonus and not an obligation.

I have adult kids at home (while saving to avoid their own places - deposit is easy part, need huge ones these days in order to make repayments doable). I would expect consultation, and a say, for anything they are considering that will affect myself and my household. They can’t independently make a decision to bring home a cat/dog/parrot/rabbit for example. I would have a say and it would be a no - if you get one, you move out before it crosses my threshold, I like animals but don’t need to add that burden to my household at this point in my life.

Similarly, I’ve made really clear up front to all my kids that I will have no babies/children living in my household. I’m at a point where I don’t want to be woken during the night, don’t want baby/child shit all over my house, don’t want to be obliged to undertake childcare/school runs/babysitting by stealth etc. I’ll happily be a grandparent, babysit occasionally around my own schedule, do the fun stuff (as I’ve done the grunt stuff already!), but they MUST be able to live and parent independently. Your claim that a parent has an obligation to raise their children’s children if their children decide to have kids but can’t rise to it for whatever reason is madness. If that means getting the middle finger then so be it, it’s called modelling healthy boundaries to your children, not being held hostage etc, and if you have brought your children up to hold you hostage then you’ve failed as a parent irrespective.

Overall is your situation one sided

Who finiciallu runs the home?
Do you clean (everything) including the mental load?
Do you managed your own medical needs?
Are you socially independent?
Day to day how much does your mother still have to effectively parent you?

Do you have tge means to move towards independently living and raising this baby?

Another thing to consider is would social services become involved and if so how much would they look to your mum?

@Cleo09

ISorry where does it say she’s disabled??

Just read the OP again.

I currently live at home with my mum, have recently recovered from Anorexia and have EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder), ADHD and Autism.

It’s right there in the OP. I’d say it’s pretty obvious that she is (legally) disabled…

Well the OP has no intention explaining how she proposes to being up a baby.
I feel sorry for the mother who seems to have no say in the debate.

Im nearly 60, my kids are young adults. It’s time for me now. I’m obviously still help them, treat them, advise them etc. but like others have said I would 100% not want to have a baby in my house that I was expected to fund, care for and care and fund my child.

Of course it’s not undoable there is adoption

There would likely be ongoing impact to having the baby adopted, even through choice. But then all 3 options, keep, terminate, relinquish may well have an ongoing impact one way or another.