I feel like I am being pushed into having a termination and I just dont know what to do :(

[Jfg95]

Hey guys, I found out I was pregnant on Sunday and it is currently Wednesday.. Over the last few days there has been a lot of chatting and thinking going on. I currently live at home with my mum, have recently recovered from Anorexia and have EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder), ADHD and Autism. My circumstances are clearly not ideal. However my mum is completely dismissing and uninterested in how I feel as she thinks I should just have an Abortion, which I don't want, I feel to anxious to make the decision now as I cant tell how much of it will be influenced by her opinion. It doesn't feel like its my choice and it feels very disempowering, but I cant tell if I would be being unreasonable not terminating. This is too much of a big decision to make when youre full of hormones :(

It has to be your choice, but your mother is entitled not to be a carer for your child, which she may well end up being. If you are going to have this baby, you need a plan for supporting yourself and the child. You also need a plan for what you'll do if your child has conditions similar to your, which could well happen. To be perfectly blunt, I don't think you should go ahead with the pregnancy, although nobody can force you either way.

I think your mum is trying to do her best by you, I think bringing a baby into it sounds like It'l be a shit show. Sorry for being so honest

I would say DON'T do it.

No one is perfect and there is never a perfect time to have a child but aborting a baby you want will NOT help your mental health and coping. People with no previous issue who wanted to abort can often struggle badly after so to be recently recovered and actively not want to it sounds like a recipe for mental relapse.

That is assuming your anorexia is mental not just physical. I was 'physically' anorexic due to being severally underweight as a child which was because of medications but I had no deliberately disordered eating. Getting pregnant with my oldest fixed my weight as I became a healthy weight naturally and my body has stayed like that.

You shouldn't do anything you don't want regardless.

Also my mam is autistic, raised me as a single mother all on her own and was fantastic. ADHD/Autism etc... are not reasons not to have children.

I agree with others. You shouldn't be pressurised into making a decision on this by anyone.

However, as others have also said, when making the decision whether to terminate the pregnancy or not, you need to consider all the practicalities, if you intend to keep the baby, rather than having him/her adopted. Babies are a lot of hard work and you will need support

Your Mum is almost certainly worried about the impact on you having this baby and she probably also feels that she will end up being the one raising your child, who may very well have the same kind of issues that you suffer from, and she doesn't feel she can deal with that again. You need to talk to her and find WHY she wants you to have a termination. If it's because she doesn't want to be the de facto carer for the baby, you need to consider HOW you are going to manage with a baby, then a child, a teenager. Who will babysit for you? Where will you live? etc. etc.

You need to find someone qualified to talk through your options and how you feel about the whole thing and find out what external support will be available to you if you decide not to terminate, with the aim of keeping the baby and without assuming much support from your Mum. Mum won't be being selfish, by the way, if she feels she can't or won't cope looking after you AND another baby/child for the next 18 or so years

Hope you can get the space to make your own decision

It is your decision and yours only but don't expect your Mum not to have an opinion after all you are an adult living in her house. Where do you intend to live with your child and how will you financially support the both of you? Or are you just expecting to live in your mums home, if so have you bothered asking if that is ok, your mum has supported you through an awful lot, maybe she is tired and really wants a baby free future.
The last few years have been hard on both of you, are you sure you can cope with a baby on your own ?

Often having an abortion is the best outcome for all concerned. Aborting now doesn't mean you can't have a baby in future when hopefully your circumstances are better.

The best way to think about it is that having a baby is irreversable, you can't "un-have" it, but aborting one doesn't change whether you can have one later on.

I think it's the bigger picture that's key here - how will YOU support yourself? How will YOU support your child?

Your mum, by the sounds of it, is already supporting you but perhaps she cannot (physically / emotionally / financially) support a baby in the picture

You haven't said how old you are
Or if your dad is around
Or baby's dad is on the scene

All of those are important points if you want true opinions

Of course it's entirely your decision but I think you need to seriously consider what you will do when your mother says you will have to find somewhere else to live as she won't have you and the baby back in her home.
Some people might say she will change her mind when she sees the baby but this is not a given.
A stark warning, but necessary.

I currently live at home with my mum, have recently recovered from Anorexia and have EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder), ADHD and Autism. My circumstances are clearly not ideal.

You feel that your mum isn't listening to you and your feelings. How about talking to/ listening to/ reading about the experiences of children being raised by mothers with EUPD (or BPD as it's sometimes known). Here's an article: there are lots more
https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/living-with-emotional-intensity/202308/the-challenge-of-having-a-mother-with-bpd

This is a research project involving autistic mothers. More than half reported feeling the need for extra help to enable them to be a good parent.
https://molecularautism.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s13229-019-0304-2#:~:text=Difficulties%20with%20social%2Dcommunication%20and,support%20because%20of%20their%20autism.

You don't mention the baby's father so I'm guessing you're assuming that your mum will be around to help you if you need it. I'd like to send your mum my best wishes. I bet she's been through hell in the past few years, seeing you suffer. She knows you and your situation better than anyone else. She also knows how hard it is to raise a child. I totally understand why she wouldn't want to be put in a position where you would expect her to support you and her grandchild if things don't work out well — which, given what you've told us, seems a strong possibility. Your DM has a right to her own life beyond you.

Nice try. The link is to a 'pro-life' charity. They won't give you unbiased counselling. They'll pressure you to keep the pregnancy at all costs.

Of course this is a huge decision and right now I'm sure you must feel very overwhelmed. Do you have a CPN/ psychologist/ anyone more neutral to discuss things with? Do you have any sense how many weeks you are right now? If you're still early on, you don't need to make this decision immediately - there may be a a bit of time to think still. You can even make appointments either way and then cancel them, if you did say now that you 'wanted a termination' so you could get an appointment, you have every right to change your mind right up until the last minute.

However, it obviously seems like that's not what you want, and unfortunately sometimes, no amount of rational pros/ cons lists can take away a gut feeling. Trying to interrogate your own thoughts may be worthwhile - for example, do you think if other people were more supportive of you making your own choice and your mum wasn't dismissing your feelings you'd feel the same? I'm not saying yes/no, but from my own experience of pushing back against parental views, I know it might make me dig further into a position. If you decided to continue, financial circumstances, housing, support networks and formal mental health support available to you will make a huge difference to how you manage. Without knowing these, no one can really give good advice apart from saying that it is your decision.

A positive story for you: I became pregnant in circumstances not dissimilar to yours. I was in the midst of a crisis, experiences SA and had taken several ODs in as many weeks and was habitually self harming. I'd been diagnosed with EUPD (and have since been diagnosed with ADHD - i suspect the EUPD was a misdiagnosis). So, my life was a bit of a mess. I spent a month trying to decide what to dom, but really I knew I was just trying to find a way to justify knowing that I wanted to keep it to people. Pregnancy was challenging and if you continue, you should prepare to accept that people will be expecting you to struggle and you may end with you some involvement from SS, perinatal mental health team. Don't fight it, accept whatever help you can get. Honestly, having my daughter was the best thing that could have happened to me, despite the challenges. After struggling for many years with my MH, I had such a clear sense of purpose, became involved with supporting other mums and am now a midwifery student.

Obviously this is just my experience. You know yourself. Pregnancy could be triggering for ED - nausea, vomiting etc. However, there is research suggesting that it can be a protective factor for some women. I still find the sensory overload of small children hard sometimes, but I'm much better at managing it. Good luck x

I had a planned child with a husband, in our own property, I was a physically fit and healthy 27yo and with a new career taking off... However, it was the motherhood that really brought my struggles to the forefront and I was diagnosed with ADHD when the Covid homeschooling completely broke me.
I didn't return to work for years, as juggling someone else's needs 24/7 (like a small child neeeds) left me with zero mental space for anything else.

I love my child to tears but I got zero enjoyment or fullfilment from parenting.
It's only easier now that DS is coming up to a teen and my ex husband takes care of majority of school runs, after school clubs and other daily routines.

It's like I'm in a boat and with some hard effort put into paddling, it's gliding smoothly forward. But put ANY other person into the boat and it starts to sink immediately... Ain't no capacity here.
Be careful OP, you don't sink your boat and take someone with it.

There are a lot of physical, mental and practical considerations involved. It's not just about caring for a baby, it's about getting through a pregnancy, birth, baby years, childhood, teen years and getting them launched into adulthood.

There is an increased chance of children that you have having additional needs. They may be more severe than yours and support networks are poor at the moment.

If this is not the right time, it doesn't mean that there will not be better, heathier opportunities in the future. I know great mums who had abortions in previous, difficult circumstances, and ND mums who do a great job. If you don't have security and a decent foundation, parenthood is bloody tough and there's no exit from it.

Whatever you do needs to be an informed decision and discussed with professionals that can support you to the better outcome for your current needs.

OP a baby is not a doll. Forget your vision of floating around in a Boden dress, in a haze of lovely baby cuddles.

PPs have articulated very well the many reasons why your mum may not be happy for you to have this baby. You have to be realistic - that you can do it all (and I mean all) on your own. Money, care, time, housing. My fear is that you won't. You'll tell all and sundry that this is your baby and you will do everything. But when it happens the reality will be different.

However my mum is completely dismissing and uninterested in how I feel

If you want her to consider your feelings you have to afford her the same courtesy of you considering hers. You cannot say this is my choice alone if you are going to assume you can put additional burdens on to anyone else by that choice.

Thank you for picking up on this element of it, that is exactly how I feel. I love and respect my mum beyond anything. I just wish the conversations were less one sided.

You haven't really answered any of the other questions about how old you are, whether you work or study, and what support you will need. Hard for people to agree if your mum is being unreasonable at the moment.

you clearly skirt around a lot of questions. How do you support yourself at present? how much help you need? Do you live with your mum because you are unable to do do independently?

@Jfg95 Can you sit down with your mum and just ask her to listen without saying anything. She could repeat back to you your points.

Then you do the same.

Look for 'active listening techniques' on the web

Then you both get to feel heard and understood.

OP, I see you have ignored all the posts asking you about the baby's father and what support he'll be offering. Also sensible questions about where you will live and how you will finance yourself in order to give your child a good life. Instead you have cherry-picked one of few responses supporting your pov and gone for that. It looks as if you're avoiding the difficult stuff. The idea of having a baby may appeal to you but surely if you are really concerned about that child's well-being you will already have worked out answers to the difficult questions being asked.

@Jfg95 "Thank you for picking up on this element of it, that is exactly how I feel. I love and respect my mum beyond anything. I just wish the conversations were less one sided."

What about the questions posters are asking about where you'll live, where the father is, and all the other important questions?

You shouldn't be pushed into a termination.

You also shouldn't ignore the practical considerations for the health and safety of your future child who deserves your consideration and forethought.

You are also pushing your mum to do something she clearly doesn’t want to do. Communication works both ways…and as I say to my adult kids “it isn’t all about you now, I also have a life that I wish to get on and enjoy and it is time you managed yourself”. I love them dearly but we are expected to parent for far too long now days.

I don't honestly think people are saying that as a general principle, just that now is probably not the right time for the OP.

You do need to be heard, of course you do, but equally are you really listening to your mum's point of view (assuming she's expressing it and not just saying "you can't do it")?

I'm obviously coming at it from the point of view of being the mum in this scenario, but I know my DD finds it very difficult to listen to and take on board my opinion on something when she disagrees with me, and she often hugely underestimates the impact of her choices on other people.

Maybe a family therapy style appointment with you and your mum, with a neutral third party would be the way to go?