I feel like I am being pushed into having a termination and I just dont know what to do :(

[Jfg95]

Hey guys, I found out I was pregnant on Sunday and it is currently Wednesday.. Over the last few days there has been a lot of chatting and thinking going on. I currently live at home with my mum, have recently recovered from Anorexia and have EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder), ADHD and Autism. My circumstances are clearly not ideal. However my mum is completely dismissing and uninterested in how I feel as she thinks I should just have an Abortion, which I don't want, I feel to anxious to make the decision now as I cant tell how much of it will be influenced by her opinion. It doesn't feel like its my choice and it feels very disempowering, but I cant tell if I would be being unreasonable not terminating. This is too much of a big decision to make when youre full of hormones :(

That's a bit harsh as the OP lives with her.

If she has to have the baby in her home and if she will be involved in its care then she has every right to be concerned

I do not mean this unkindly, but that is quite the list of issues you're dealing with.

I have no mental health issues or disabilities and having a child was one of the hardest things I've ever done. It can tip even the most stable of women into post natal anxiety or depression.

EUPD is a current name for borderline personality disorder, is that right? I've got to be honest and say that I think it would be very difficult for any child growing up with a parent who has BPD.

I would think very hard about this. If you're living at home because you're struggling to care for yourself then your mother is right to be worried. She's probably worried sick for you and also panicking about the inevitable responsibilities that will fall to her when she just wants to focus her concerns on you.

I currently live at home with my mum, have recently recovered from Anorexia and have EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder), ADHD and Autism.

It is your choice of course. But how do these things impact your life? Will you be able to cope with pregnancy and look after a child? Will you need to rely on your mum a lot? You need to be realistic. Your mum should talk to you properly though.

No one should be dictating things to you but maybe mum is looking at the bigger picture.

You're recovering from some very severe issues, still living at home so unless you have the means to move out - maybe mum doesn’t want to have a baby in her house and feels she will be obliged to look after baby.
Maybe mum understands that having a baby is one of the most difficult things you can go through - both physically and mentally and doesn’t feel you’re ready to handle it.

So if you are able to raise the child living on your own then sure go ahead and it's easy for people to say 'your body your choice' but if you are incapable of being a mature responsible parent then is it fair to say 'I am having the baby and you just have to put up with us living here'

So it depends

Hi OP. You’re not having a baby, you’re having a person. They are babies for five minutes and then they’re destructive and noisy toddlers, demanding and belligerent tweens, then they are stroppy, deceitful and sometimes aggressive and abusive teens.feeding and wiping a babies bum are very much the easy bits. The drudgery of school runs on cold mornings, endless mess, hundreds of thousands of pounds and a near entire loss of your autonomy and social life is what the reality is. It takes a very strong, mentally stable and patient person to do a good job of raising another person and while there are happy and lovely bits it’s mostly hard work and crap be realistic about this when you consider your choices.
If you’re mentally unwell or vulnerable it will be hugely challenging and you may struggle to meet the child’s needs.
An unhappy child is a far far greater tragedy than one who never existed.
i expect your mum will not want you living there with the baby and you will need support so you’ll be expected to move into a mother and baby unit, these are restrictive and challenging environments and you won’t have much freedom or privacy.
im not being mean OP just giving you the truth, its a fucking lifelong commitment to dedicate your self to another person and put your needs aside until they’re an adult it ain’t no disco.
best of luck!

Give it some more time petal and take all the counselling x

When I went down for a ga on Monday had a procedure to stop the having babies and really not through preference, I really tried to pull myself together for all the ladies who may have ended up on the table having termination and then by god on the first night I had a nightmare I was having a termination.

I've got my own Mum in my ear going this is menopause after the disappearing fibroid situation. In the end I've had to stand back in going back to my own home.

Many hugs and don't rush into anything.

Any abortion clinic that you’re referred to should give you the option for counselling. Please take this and use the chance to reflect on your options and untangle your thoughts with an independent professional. Accepting a referral to an abortion clinic does not mean consenting to an abortion. None of us can possibly know the right choice for you, it’s such a complicated situation. Just one other thought - adoption might also be a possibility? Not saying you should do that but just to throw another thought into the mix.
Sending you love and hoping you find the best way forward for you.

I completely agree with everyone saying get independent advice from somewhere like Marie Stopes who can talk to you about options.

As @Acolddayinhull says they are babies for 5 minutes then they move onto the next stage. Do you have a job to financially support yourself? Does the Father of the baby? Will he be involved? What are your plans for housing? Are you intending to move out? Have you looked at maternity pay to see how much you would be entitled to? Same for the cost of nappies, clothes, cot, pram, formula if you don't/can't breastfeed and the bottles and steriliser. Have you looked into the cost of childcare for when you return to work to be able to support your baby?

As this baby is not planned you possibly won't have looked at these in advance so you need to look at them now. Plus what support do you have in place for your additional needs? As you are posting on MN maybe have a look at the feeding sections and sleep sections. Life with a baby is hard, that is with a hands on, live in partner. This baby is a human with personality and sadly you don't know if you will get the easy going or the high needs, never wants to be put down baby and anything in between. Talk to Marie Stopes.

Sounds like she isn't prepared to be a grandmother and is putting her own needs above yours and the previous unborn baby

So the mother who has watched her daughter, who has multiple mental health problems, starve herself, who is clearly not independent, doesn't want to add the responsibility of looking after a baby onto the list of shit she has to deal with?

Why shouldn't she be putting her own needs first. I assume she also knows her DD and her current capability to look after herself, let alone adding a baby to the mix.

Be realistic op not romantic.

Can you live alone and support yourself and a baby?
If not, why do you think your mum should?
Where is the father in all this?
Are you actually mentally stable enough at the moment to be a parent?

I have ADHD and ASD - and had past issues with EDs.

It can be challenging, but I love being a mum. If her reasons for saying abort are solely because you are ND and have MH issues - and you do not want to, then you do not need to.

I think you need to talk through with someone independent. Also think about what you need to support whatever decision you want to make.

It is your body, your choice.

Maybe she doesn’t want to be responsible for the care of a baby or have one live in her house? I don’t blame her quite honestly, it sounds as if her life is challenging enough without adding a baby to the mix.

As someone who has ADHD I choose not to have children because the statics show the child would have ADHD and maybe autism and I would not been able to cope. Your mother is concerned for you.

Now is not the time for you to bring a baby into this world. You need to properly get well and live your life first. I agree with your mum.

BPD/ EUPD are notoriously over diagnosed in ND women/ women who have faced recent trauma.

And quite rightly too - it’s not mum that’s pregnant!

@Jfg95 your mum's feelings are valid. She has you to look after and you are round the clock care while in recovery from what is a life threatening condition. Now she's thinking there will be a newborn to add to her already heavy load of care. That really isn't fair on her and you can't ask her to do this on top of being your emotional, financial and physical support.

This doesn't mean you HAVE to terminate. It just means you should look at your situation logically.

Are you stable enough to live on your own and support yourself financially?

What will happen to baby if you regress and the anorexia takes control again? A screaming, crying baby is going to be a potential trigger.

Is you autism and ADHD managed or are there sensory issues involved that would make it harder for you to judge things like temperature, eating and drinking (that you are both doing this regularly), recognition of distress in an infant from facial expression etc? Things that mean you need additional support?

Is the father around to help?

Have you spoken to your Mum about what all this will mean for her so you know what you can expect from her?

Think about your situation and the resources you have and make a decision that is best for you at the stage you are now and will be for the next year.

Your health and wellbeing MUST come first.

“Be realistic op not romantic”

This!

How old are you as you sound young?

You can make the choice you want
BUT
So can your mum. She doesnt have to support you or babysit.

In context my eldest is asd/adhd and didnt sleep for 12m and then very badly through teething which lasts till about 2. My other dc also sen didnt sleep until 3.5yo.

when awake both cried a lot and had to be watched like a hawk. (Running off, eating unsuitable things, flooding bathroom etc etc), issues at school long waitlist for assessment.
these are hard enough with 2 parents.
Also worth considering relationships as my relative who had a dc very young has ended up single after a string of failed relationships with the dc having different live in dad every few years. And the nan half raising the dc.

plus being tied to the dad for 18y.

Sounds to me like she's putting the baby first. There are already too many children being born into chaotic situations

What would be best for a child? That's the real question that needs to be answered. Having a baby is difficult beyond all imagination, and it is all consuming, and that's when you have an easy baby. Unfortunately, you are not in a stable enough situation, on basically every level, to have a baby, and if you are expecting to live with your mother and have her help you with this baby, then she has every right to voice her objections.

It may be your body but its not only you who has to suffer the consequences.

How are you going to fincailly, emotionally and physically support this child who may inherit your MH and other diagnosis?

Can you even support yourself right now?

Obviously you also have to think about what it would mean for the baby. Are you realistically going to be able to look after a baby on your own?

Your body you choice

but also

your mums house your mums choice who lives there.

you can choose to continue the pregnancy but she can choose to not be involved. You can’t decide you want to keep the baby and then stay living at home.

you are responsible for the decision to terminate or not. But you are also responsible for the baby if you choose not to. You can’t give it a go and then decide it’s not for you.

to be honest I’d be surprised if you were able to carry a baby to term as a recovering anorexic.

I am neurodiverse - speak to an independent person without your mum present.

You may decide an abortion is the route for you - but I think if you don't feel you got to that point by yourself than an abortion you are not sure you want could potentially make your mental health worse.