I feel like I am being pushed into having a termination and I just dont know what to do :(

[Jfg95]

Hey guys, I found out I was pregnant on Sunday and it is currently Wednesday.. Over the last few days there has been a lot of chatting and thinking going on. I currently live at home with my mum, have recently recovered from Anorexia and have EUPD (Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder), ADHD and Autism. My circumstances are clearly not ideal. However my mum is completely dismissing and uninterested in how I feel as she thinks I should just have an Abortion, which I don't want, I feel to anxious to make the decision now as I cant tell how much of it will be influenced by her opinion. It doesn't feel like its my choice and it feels very disempowering, but I cant tell if I would be being unreasonable not terminating. This is too much of a big decision to make when youre full of hormones :(

I think as well - its important for everyone in life to feel like their voice has been heard and I can imagine, although well intended, it sounds like your mum is shutting you down before you can verbally express and process your emotions.

This ^^
I would be with your mum on this, as tough as it is.
You don’t even mention the father or if you’re working and can support both yourself and a baby completely independently?

If you don't want a termination, don't have one.

There are other options besides termination if you're not able to look after a baby - adoption, for example.

However - you must consider your own health first. If pregnancy would lead to a relapse, or worsen your mental health to the point where you'd be in danger, then termination, whilst sad, is probably the better option for you.

I'd suggest getting some independent conselling to talk through all your options. This is your body, your decision, but it can help to have someone to talk to that isn't involved (your mum is too close to you to be independent).

@Jfg95

How old are you, OP?

What are your plans for studying and working?

What is the situation with the man concerned?

How many weeks pregnant do you think you must be?

I would recommend making an appointment to see your GP this week to talk about the various options available to you. Give the surgery a call this afternoon.

There have been a lot of similar posts lately.

If your mum is expected to support you with moneym housing or childcare, then I think she has a say too. Get some counselling from Marie Stopes and be realistic about how you expect to support this baby, as you don't mention being in work or a partner.

You need to decide if you can prioritise and take care of a baby and a then child. It sounds like your mum has provided lots of support I don’t think it’s unreasonable she doesn’t want to add a baby into the mix

That is probably true, but it doesn't necessarily mean the OP is in any better position to bring up a child.

My DD diagnosed herself with BPD (via Dr Google) initially, the psychiatrist did not agree. She is now diagnosed with autism and has disclosed trauma which she's having therapy for. There is absolutely no way she would currently be able to look after a child, or give anyone the level of support she's needed from us for the last few years. That's not to say she might not be able to in the future, but she's a long way off it yet.

OP is only in the early stages of recovery. Hormone changes or medication changes required by pregnancy could easily upset that fragile equilibrium. Her mum is likely to have committed a huge amount of time and emotional energy to supporting her so far, and likely is very daunted at the idea of having to support her with a baby too. Perhaps she's not handling it the best in terms of how she's expressing that to the OP, but this is a situation which has potential to have a big negative impact on her as well. She was probably hoping that she'd have some time to recover herself.

OP, definitely go and get some counselling before you make any decisions, but please do be realistic about your ability to cope. Raising children is hard going sometimes even in ideal circumstances. You've fought hard I'm sure to recover from your illnesses and you may need to accept that to hold on to that recovery this pregnancy is potentially not the best thing for you right now.

The decision is ultimately yours and yours alone. Raising a child is difficult and your decision should be made based on your ability to raise a child without your mother’s support, which may include finding alternative accommodation.

If I’m honest, your particular situation would make raising a child a very difficult proposition, have you thought about the realities of the endeavour.

While I agree that this is your body and your choice, you need to acknowledge that perhaps your mum is utterly exhausted looking after you. Adult kids with MH problems and Autism can be very difficult to live with no matter how much you love them. You might want to consider moving out if you want this baby. Think very carefully about whether you are ready and able to live alone as the sole adult in your own place, and all the difficulties associated with that and then add the 24/7 requirements of a newborn (trust me - nobody is ever ready to fully understand how emotionally and physically taxing that is until they have one…). Also remind yourself that your mum chooses to live with you, but she is under no obligation to do so - assuming you are an adult. She has not chosen to live with and look after a newborn and is absolutely not obligated to help you raise your child.

Your mum is uninterested because she is exhausted, OP. I think she is entitled to not want to bring up a grandchild; she's done her bit.

The physical changes and demands of pregnancy can be particularly difficult for those in recovery from anorexia.

It’s understandable that your mum, having supported you through that, may see a pregnancy as a great risk to your fragile sense of self, and want to shield you from it.

You have many years ahead of you to have a child when YOU feel it’s right. If that’s now, great! But given all you’ve been through, a period of calm stability might meet your needs better for the moment.

It is your body and your life. However, like a lot of young women that post on MN saying they managed, etc etc, you can’t do it without your parents support and or state support.

I certainly would not be happy if I was your mum. If you want this baby, sort out your finances, rent a ones bed room and start getting ready to take some responsibility for bringing and supporting a baby. I say this kindly but it really isn’t fair to just expect your mum to give up even more of her life for you. It’s time to start moving on.

You don't mention how old you are, but you need to clear your head and communicate with your mother and vice versa in order to work this out.

She might be unable to provide the support that you will need in order to go ahead with an unplanned pregnancy and the two decades of child rearing that follow, which is really reasonable. She knows exactly what it takes to be a parent, and it's not possible to imagine it from where you're standing right now.

If you feel that you want to go ahead with it, with our without her support, you need to be able to do it standing on your own two feet. Get a plan in place, work it out, because if you can't do the plan, there's no chance you can do the thing itself. Shit just got real, time to make some grown up choices OP, whether you want to or not.

Your mum should not be pushing you into having a termination, however she is 100% within her rights to say that she will not have a baby in her house or help you with childcare. Therefore if you cannot afford to live independently and support a baby I would be seriously considering whether it is in your best interests to proceed. The counter argument to this is that a child needs a mother who loves him/her above all else, which is true, but there are certain basics that need to be met in order to give the child an acceptable quality of life.

It's hard to say if your mum is being unreasonable or realistic. I think the answer deoends on -

• are you in a position to house and support yourself
• how much support would you be expecting her to provide
• how would a baby affect your health issues
• how would your health issues affect a baby
• what your relationship with the father is like and what support would be available from him / his family. You are going to be tied to him for 18 years

I am going to mention there is a 3rd choice.
Have the baby and relinquish him/her for adoption.
There are many issues around this option, but it does exist.
If you can't bring yourself to terminate but later realise you can't parent either.

Are you able to live independently?
Can you afford to live independently?
Are you able to properly look after a baby/child and yourself?
Can you say that pregnancy will have no risk to your ongoing health (anorexia is not easy in pregnancy)?
Can you do all of it without relying on your mum?

If the answer to any of the above is no, you probably do need to think about a termination.

OP your mother, more than anybody else knows full well the impact of having children. After all. She has you, her daughter living at home with multiple disabilities and illnesses. Not only that you're also now pregnant.

Forget about the baby. Think about the child, then adult. Can you do for them what your mum has done for you? It's ironic that you're complaining about her lack of care regarding your 'feelings' when you consider the impact you've had on her life. This isn't to blame you but to point out the realities of having children.

If the answer is no. Then you'd be U to keep and raise the child. Maybe consider giving him/her up for adoption?

If you do decide to have an abortion, and I am not suggesting one way or the other, please do get proper counselling before and after. Often women don't and it can be something that affects them for a long time (I had one in my teens, living at home and my mum was adamant I wasn't having a baby for various reasons).

I'm not sure I have ever really forgiven her, though doubtless she thought she was doing the right thing and who is to call that one? It's not black and white when so many factors need thinking about.

I am probably neurodiverse, I have a son with SEND. It is both really hard work and a great joy and privilege. You really do need lots of inner resources to get through. Good luck whatever you do OP. I do feel for you, it feels like rock and a hard place doesn't it? Hugs.

Think of the future child.
Are you able to offer love, support, stability and opportunity?
Are you happy to be 24hr mum living alone in a council flat? It's an absolutely valid choice and there will be joy to be had but you must be realistic of what your and a potentials child's life would be like. Don't imagine your mum being involved. This will be solely your responsibility.
Personally I wouldn't willingly bring a child into what sounds like an unstable lifestyle.

I am a parent of a DD with anorexia and autism. I suspect your DM has taken on a lot of caring for you and is very worried about you. How likely is it that you will be able to look after and provide for the child? Who is likely to raise it, and do the lion share of care and parenting. Do you feel you are stable enough to do it on your own? I know how devastating the impact of AN can be. I guess many well meaning posters will have no first hand experience of caring for someone with an ED.

Also you'll have input from children's services/social worker with your history.

Do you know how many weeks pregnant you are, OP?

Agree with pp about accessing independent, unbiased counselling from Marie Stopes or similar about your options, but I assume you have a MH support worker yourself, so it would also be important to discuss this with them, as they will have a better understanding of your mental health and the potential impact if you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy.

It is far from ideal to have a child when you aren't living independently. Your mum - presumably your main carer? - has every reason to be concerned as she is probably terrified about the possible impact of this on your MH and, if you did go ahead and have a child, it would have a massive impact on her life too.

I would also consider the possibility to have a child with additional care needs. Often, ASD etc runs in families (all my children are on the spectrum - some HF, some LF). How would you cope?

I say this with respect ATM it doesn't sound like you can care for yourself, you didn't sort out contraception, and your Mum is helping you. Your Mum is telling you she doesn't want to care for a grandchild too. If you go ahead with your pregnancy you should be aware you will have to be responsible for the baby 24/7. What happens if you are having a bad day? Babies need structure and routine could you honestly give your baby this ATM? Will the father be around to help? Do you have enough money to financially cope? Babies are wonderful but you have to be realistic about if you could cope with a new baby who might cry a lot, not sleep much and be very demanding 24/7. Also you need to consider the pregnancy too. Would you be able to take on board enough nutrition every day to enable the baby to grow properly with anorexia? Also what would happen to the baby if you have it, then find you can't cope? I think you need counselling possibly over several weeks whilst to consider if you will cope or not. There is no rush if you have just found out and it must be horrible to feel you have no say. It sounds like your Mum doesn't think.younwould cope. She is likely already worried about the anorexia and other health issues you have. It might make sense to work on your health issues and if they improve have a baby if that is what you want.