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This topic is for sharing experiences of pregnancy choices; to debate the ethics of termination, visit our Politics or Chat forums.

Original poster

Unplanned 3rd baby...feeling so torn

29 replies

BlueGirl1982 · 13/12/2023 11:46

I found out last Friday that I'm pregnant. It wasn't planned, we already have 2 children (7 & 4) and my husband was clear on being done with 2 whereas I would have liked a 3rd (although he has refused to have a vasectomy) We got pregnant very easily with our other 2 so it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that we've ended up in this position after not being careful.

So I feel I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place…Husband has made it clear that he wouldn’t choose to have a third child but he’s not going to tell me to get a termination as it’s my choice. At the same time as telling me he worries our relationship wouldn’t survive another child. I agree with his reasons…not enough bedrooms, already stretched finances, impact on the other kids, risks due to my age (over 40)…but I can’t shake that a termination just feels wrong. Equally it feels really selfish if I go ahead with the pregnancy knowing that it might cost me my marriage and deprive my existing kids of things they would have otherwise had.

Obviously this isn’t one of those situations where you can find a compromise, and I just don't know what to do. Currently I have an appointment scheduled with BPAS to discuss medical termination because I feel that's my only choice.

OP posts:
Lexaline · 21/01/2024 19:19

@UUS38 wow we are at pretty much the same gestation - I am 14w2d today. Now at the point where it would be a 2 day termination procedure (although the doctor explained it all to me and it doesn’t sound too significantly different). I am starting to show as well and it’s making me anxious and I feel I’m still so tired and nauseous.

Last week was extremely strange taking the antibiotics in preparation for the procedure whilst also simultaneously taking a prenatal vitamin. I truly feel so conflicted. The thought of continuing the pregnancy gives me a lot of anxiety and there are so many unknowns. Yet a termination is just so so hard.

I haven’t had any screening yet either, I’m annoyed with myself for not doing the harmony test weeks ago as it takes two weeks for a result. Where I live the harmony test is part of standard prenatal care and they don’t do any 12 week ultrasound screenings. So I still have time to do the harmony test but I’m stressed about waiting until I’m coming up on 17 weeks for a result??? Argh god this is such a horrible situation to be in. I just wish I could be clear on what I really want.

It sounds like your feelings are becoming clear to you though and maybe it’s just an adjustment of life plans that will take some getting used to. I’m taking comfort in that there is no wrong answer and it’s possible to make the best of either choice.

@BlueGirl1982 I hope you’re doing ok.

UUS38 · 21/01/2024 21:28

@Lexaline it sounds like you are as stuck as I have been! DH and I have had some good discussions this weekend and basically have agreed to continue with the pregnancy but now the reality of that is setting in and there feels like there’s a lot else to worry about like telling my teens and finances etc! Always something but like you said it’s about making the best of it and there is no right/wrong!

It sounds that like me you are finding it incredibly hard to go through termination. I think being that bit further along makes it so much harder!

I was glad to have had the screening as I felt if something had come up in it that it may have swayed my decision and made things a little bit easier (although still incredibly hard!) Still waiting for a couple of results but overall everything is looking healthy.

Here if you want to talk - have you been speaking to anyone else? A friend or family member or counsellor?

Farmwifefarmlife · 29/02/2024 12:47

heartbroken22 · 14/12/2023 01:30

At the end of the day it's your decision.

This is my story. I got pregnant with 3rd and had an abortion. Grief killed me once the pregancny hormones left and sometimes the grief comes back now. I got pregnant again 3 months later and now have a baby.

I was really worried about everything with 3 kids. But honestly speaking not to sway your decision or anything...just to be honest...all my fears were unnecessary. Baby 3 just fits in. We have a 2 bedroom, live off one wage etc. it can be done...

This next part I'm also going to be honest. When baby 3 was born me and my husband were at each other's throats, hated each other constant fighting etc but I kept saying to myself wait till 3 months and things will get easier and it will pass. It did at 6 weeks. Now it's been 5 months and I wouldn't have it any other way with my 3 kids. I found it hard with a 2 year old and 6 year old but I can manage most days. You have nice age gaps. Both will be in school. It will affect ur marriage but it won't break it so long as u understand each other and talk from now. It's just about getting through the hard phases.

I've found out I’m pregnant with 3rd mine are the same age 6 & 15 months so would be 7& just over 2 when baby was born. I’m so torn I’m worried juggling a VERY active toddler and a baby! We also lead busy lives and worried I won’t manage my heart longs for a 3rd but my head says no.

heartbroken22 · 01/03/2024 13:05

@Farmwifefarmlife my 6 year old helped a lot with playing with baby and toddler. I was thinking today after the school run (my dd just turned 3 and she was with me) that I'm not sure why I was so worried...I wish someone had told me my toddler would not always be a toddler and it would get easy because it has! My toddler was only 14 months when I got pregnant and aborted but I got pregnant 3 months later. It's hard work at first but everybody (including toddler and children adjust) x

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