Regretting my abortion

[LilyOfTheValley33]

I had an abortion a few months ago and really regret it. In my head it was the right thing to do, but it was probably not what I really wanted to do in my heart.

My husband and I have two gorgeous DC and I accidentally got pregnant for a third time. My husband and I have always spoken about having two children and I think I surprised myself by how much I love being a mum. I always knew I wanted children, but I was never a super maternal person cooing over other people’s kids. I had assumed that I would find small children a slog.

Now we have our two children, my husband is extremely adamant that two is enough and doesn’t know how we would cope with three. He has been talking about getting a vasectomy.

His reasons are mostly logical / practical e.g. we would need a bigger car. We are also planning to privately educate our children (at least for part of their schooling) and it would be a real stretch to afford that for 3 kids. He also (rightly) thinks that we are very lucky with what we have got and should just be happy and grateful with that.

When I got unexpectedly pregnant, my husband was in favour of terminating. He did not and would not have forced me to have a termination, but I didn’t want to keep a baby knowing that it was very much against what my husband wanted.

The pregnancy was also badly timed as I only went back to work after my second maternity leave at the beginning of this year and I feel like I am just getting back in the swing of work and getting my personal finances back on an even keel. When I found out about the pregnancy we also knew that we were about to move house (relocating to a new party of the country) and I wasn’t sure how I would cope with a new baby on top of that.

In my head it felt like having the abortion was the sensible thing to do, but a few months down the line I feel very sad about it. I often think about what the baby would have been like and I feel very jealous and sad when I see pregnant women, small babies and other families with 3 kids.

I suspect I will always feel some sadness about it, but hopefully over time it will fade.

Just here for a handhold really and would also be interested to hear from anyone who has experienced similar.

Is there any chance you can get therapy and maybe have one session where your husband joins you. It's quite clear you had perinatal anxiety which is common and it makes a lot of women terminate. I'm sure abortion clinics offer therapy/counselling. Maybe he needs time to grieve and also hear how you were feeling. I honestly feel for you and can understand what you're both going through. He just needs to hear what you were going through.

Hello, just wondering how you are doing ? Did you go on to have another baby ?

Hi,

I am about a month on from my termination. I was in total shock and distraught about having a third. I wasn't taking folic acid and I was on holidays and having alcohol and was convinced I did harm. I just wanted it out of me. I did take a week to decide and I wanted to do it sooner rather than later. I did it at six weeks.
But now I realise I made a mistake. I want to try again but I haven't even had a period yet. I am afraid because I'm older now and what if I have a child who isn't healthy. But it's really taking over my mind and I think put the fear aside and go for it. Then I think is this a normal feeling after termination? But will I always regret not going for it?

I would give it a few more months to see how you feel. one month isnt far from it and you will still have the hormones leaving your body. i only waited two months and got pregnant straight away and that was really difficult as i hadnt grieved the termination properly nor properly processed whether i actually wanted another baby or was doing it to take take away the negative feelings. i love the baby and am lucky to have had another chance but its very, very complex emotionally and i really wish i had waited 6 months and had some counselling first to process everything rather than rushing into it all. So I totoally get where you are- at the time the only thing which felt the right solution was to try again but its only in hindsight that i realised how i was in such a place of grief/irrationality and in no fit state to make such a decision. it also doesn't take away the pain, so thats why its better to grieve i think however difficult it may seem before then deciding again. also from whats i ve read its such a common feeling to really want another pregnancy as its the hormones rather than your 'rational' brain as such. I know i sound a hypocript as did rush in but speaking from experience its not a good idea! please message if you need to, its a lonely place to be when you are going through it and its people on here who got me through

Thanks Saskia2023 for your response. This forum is helpful. My mind is like a mine field. One moment I consider trying again in the future and it makes me so excited and hopeful
Then I think about all that could go wrong. I had my two in my 20s and I'm 37 now so for me I would worry about my age. I know women are only starting families now but that's just how I feel. I will seek counseling and hopefully that will help me decide and work through things.

Hubby is ok with having another or not in the future. If we only had a crystal ball.

And congratulations on your new baby. Maybe this happened at a time you needed it. X

I am in this current situation now. I am 32 and in the process waiting for my appointment and have mixed emotions. Even though this is an early pregnancy (5 weeks )but I already feel somewhat attached even though I have been told many times not to get attached…I know that right now isn’t the right time but in my heart I want it to be…for years I thought that I wouldn’t be able to conceive my partner and I have had multiple conversations. And he is ok with whatever I decide but even still we are still getting to know each other fully . I know that once I go to this appointment it is going to break me. This is my first pregnancy, I’ve just been looking for somewhere I can vent and be amongst women I can relate to next week will be really emotional for me as if right now isn’t already is…I just want to be strong

@Tailoredoats if your hearts saying no then why are you going ahead with it?

I don't believe I am ready. I am not in a good financial or living situation, and I don't think I would be a good parent....

@LilyOfTheValley33 I am in the exact same position you were in. I am one week post medical abortion and as soon as I took the first pill I immediately regretted it and should have gone to seek medical help but carried on, knowing that my partner was 100% against having the baby (we also have two lovely children and we’re old parents - I’m 40 and he’s 45). I got all his logical arguments against having the baby but deep down I felt I couldn’t go through with the termination, as I would regret it but I did it and I wish I could turn back the clock and not do it. I think it is far too easy to get termination pills sent to one’s home and I personally didn’t know what to do. I now desperately want another baby but I know that sounds crazy and I know that nothing has changed in terms of our age and my partner’s feelings, so perhaps it’s selfish of me and I’m just trying to help ease the pain (although I know that another baby would not erase the grief and pain about the baby I terminated).

Did you end up having another baby? How are you feeling now?