Will I regret this decision? TW

[daffodi]

TW - termination

Didn’t want to put in pregnancy choices as it’s not overly active and hope for some quick advice. So sorry it’s long. I would be grateful if you stay with it or even skim xx

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Me and DP always planned to TTC this year but recently due to savings and high interest rates planned to set it back to autumn of this year, November or December time. This is mainly to enable us to save harder, me to upgrade my 3 door car, buy a house this year and furnish it nicely (currently renting and prices in the midlands are mind boggling).

The condom we were using split and this was CD14 so I thought I had already ovulated therefore there would be no point getting the MAP. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I’ve had several positive tests.

I’m only 22 will be just turned 23 when baby is born, but it just sounds and is so terribly young, doesn’t it? DP is 25. We marry next year and like I say we were hoping to buy a house this year, as it stands we’re renting and I’m now very worried that buying will be impossible as everyone says to buy before kids or you never will. Trying to save for a deposit will certainly be hard when we are trying to buy baby equipment and everything a baby needs. This house is fine for now- it’s home and we have a small spare room but could definitely do with more space. I have just landed on my feet within my career, as has DP. We are both earning nurse/teacher type starter wages without giving away what we do and are workaholics, we’re lucky to both be passionate about what we do.

I felt so mature and with the world at my feet only a few months ago and it’s now come crashing down and the reality has sunk in as to how naive and young I actually am.

I haven’t stopped crying since I found out, mainly selfish worries for our future if we can’t buy a house and the impact this might have on our (3 year) relationship- we’d never be just us again. I rang my GP and self referred to BPAS, already had a consultation and the early medical pills arrived by post today. I’m very early, 4 weeks exactly going by LMP so would calculate me as due in early November. I feel hollow. I worry about the regret of having a baby in less than ideal circumstances, but I worry about the regret of deciding to not continue and feeling grief. I don’t feel ready to be pregnant given our precarious situation: unmarried and still renting - even if those things are to change soon it’s still not the best for a baby, is it? Nor have we had the happy moment of finding out together, we were both a bit numb by it.

All it took was once so it is a relief to know fertility is not a problem. It just seems so glib and selfish to be given what so many people in the world want and decide it’s not the right time. DP says the most important thing is that I feel happy and he says we will make any choice ‘work’. No pressure from him either way just my own inner turmoil.

We’re soon going to have a new niece too, as in, within the next month, and I don’t want that to cause me upset and make me distance myself as it wouldn’t be fair on the wider family. I work with babies too and other than getting signed off, forever, there’s no avoiding that.

How on earth could I justify trying again in late 2023 even if our circumstances have changed by then? I don’t know what the point to this post is, I thought I’d made up my mind on the consultation yesterday but when the nurse said that I could change my mind right up until the minute before taking the pills it threw me. If I am going to do it though, I need to do it early for my own sanity before I begin to develop any symptoms and before it’s any worse than a heavier period.

Please be kind- I know how naive I must sound but I am really struggling right now and can’t see a ‘happy’ route.

Were you not offered counselling by BPAS?

@Crunchymum only retrospectively.
I really don’t want to prolong it either for reasons mentioned. I have talked at length with my DM and DP about it and it’s the same conclusion each time, that there could be regrets with either decision :(

I'm not sure what you mean when you say retrospectively? You should have been asked at your consultation if you wanted counselling?

Delaying to speak to a trained counseller would be my advice.

@Crunchymum they advised me counselling would be available after the procedure but didn’t mention before

The timing is never right. Honestly if you are planning to try for a baby within a year anyway it seems unusual to consider termination.

I think you have got the colly wobbles. Take a bit more time to think about it. Talk to DP and maybe a friend too.

It is really impossible to predict if you will regret a termination, depends on a number of factors including your personality type

I agree with the PP who has recommended that you speak to a councillor before making a final decision

@Youdoyoubabe my heart agrees with you. My head says, 6-12 months might mean we can buy property and not have to worry about security there. You see all the posts on here with people feeling like they’re losing their relationship after children. I don’t want that feeling to find us easier if there’s already other life goals we haven’t achieved. It’s so hard. DP thinks by terminating we have the opportunity to change our minds when the time is right (true). I don’t know if I would be consumed by guilt in the next pregnancy and wonder why it would be ok to have them and not ok to have this one, for example.

@StopFeckingFaffing thank you. It’s just so hard to get any appointments, my consultation was a cancellation as it is and there’s no counselling appts for another 10 days, by which point, I’d definitely have symptoms.

Im not sure how it would help too since I can see pros and cons… I just wish I had a crystal ball and knew which I’d regret less

As others have said, if you were going to try this year anyway realistically how much further along in your career would you even be? The house thing will sort itself. We bought after having kids and moved in when DD2 was three months, it's very possible. Good luck with whatever you decide.

You must go with what feels right for you, but what i will say is there is very rarely a good time to have a baby, things always get in the way, new home, fab holiday, possible promotion. I had ds at 25 and we were poor and it was hard but we did it and it worked out and we were happy. However you have time on your side so if now is not right then that is ok.

Hey, I’ve been through this. Both pre and post children, if you want to message privately? I don’t have the answer (only you do) but I’m happy to listen to you, and share my own experience. In short - it’s fucking tough and almost impossible to make a “concrete” decision but sometimes, it does work out in the long run despite the heartache. I’m sorry you’re feeling like this, it’s proper wank isn’t it 💔💔 but I’m happy to lend an ear x

I remember your other post OP where you were worried but seemed to want to continue with the pregnancy?

You have to do what is right for you, but take some time and be sure.

It feels really scary right now, but everything has a way of working itself out whichever choice you make x

I was in your exact shoes 35 years ago. I went on to have a DD who is 26. It was an accident (pill failure) and I was made to see a counsellor before I could have a termination (NHS). Things might have changed but that's my recollection.
I never regretted it, and I was brought up a Catholic so that came into play. My parents never mentioned it again. It was absolutely the right thing for me and probably made easier by the fact that I was only 7 weeks.
Every woman has a right to choose. You don't need me, or anyone else, to tell you whether or not you'll regret it because we don't know you or your circumstances beyond your OP. But I suggest you listen to your gut feeling. Don't argue with yourself, iyswim. I think particularly if you can speak to someone in BPAS or Marie Stopes, that may give you clarity.
Good luck with whatever you choose.
PS i never told my DD and I never will.

Babies do not need to be expensive. You actually don't need that much for them and you can buy everything bar the car seat (unless you know someone and they haven't been in an accident) and mattress second hand. I bought second hand reusable nappies, breastfed, got a pram off a friend and they gave me tons of clothes. You can buy bundles of clothes second hand cheaply of nobody is in a situation to pass things down. For me I got the nappies for £100, pram and carseat £150 (I bought the car seat with the pram from a friend and knew it hadn't been in an accident), breast pump £30, steriliser and bottles second hand £20, my brother bought the mattress and the cot was a hand me down. So that is £300 for baby's first year sorted. Add maybe another £50 for a second hand cot and £50 for bundles of clothes and maybe another £100 as the bundle of nappies I got was cheap. That is £500. Mat leave would reduce your earnings for a while and then by the time baby is 9 months to 1 year old you need to factor in child care too, but that first year is pretty cheap. You could still move house then. Then things get more expensive for a while with childcare but you are only bringing that forward by 9 months to a year on when you planned to start trying. Please don't let finances worry you too much for the sake of a few months.

Op, I think it might help you to actually have a realistic think about your finances and the reality of being ready for a baby in a years time in terms of achieving all the things you've listed. Getting a house, getting married etc. It seems unlikely to me that would have enough money for both of those things within a year if you are both on equivalent wages to an early career teacher. At 22 years old a teachers take home pay would be about £1400 a month. Let's say between you, your take home is £3000. I have no idea about your expenditure and outgoings but let's say between you you can save £1000 a month. That's 12k in a year. You are going to need a lot more than that to secure a mortgage, that might cover a wedding but depends on what you have in mind.

The reality is you will probably be in a similar position to now financially next year so the real question is what is your priority, getting established or having children. If you have a child now or next year it will make little difference financially but what you will need to take into account are childcare costs in your budget if you are planning to continue to work? This would be a significant chunk of your income, I don't know exactly but you are looking at about £1000 a month. Can you afford that? If you give up work how will that impact your career and future earning potential.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with having children young, I imagine you'd have loads more energy and still be young when they are teenagers. However, you probably can't have the lifestyle you are imagining family home, family cars, career etc unless you work till you are nearer 30 like most other people do. Unless of course you have some secret supply of money like a lottery win.

Anyway, I know this doesn't answer your question at all but it is food for thought. What is more important, becoming a parent now or becoming a parent with the right lifestyle. I was as broody as he'll from the age of about 15 but I also knew I wanted a different lifestyle for my kids than I had growing up so actually didn't start ttc till my late 20's. If you too want the lifestyle first then having a termination now probably won't be a decision you will regret. If you are going to have a baby next year anyway then you might as well do it now. There are always what ifs and this is a tough decision for you. I firmly believe once you've made a choice in life it becomes the right one. You can never go back so live the life you've got.

I agree with others who have recommended counselling. At 4 weeks, you still have time.

I just wanted to say that if you were to have a termination and then decide to try later in the year, you wouldn't need to "justify" it to anyone. Many women terminate and then TTC shortly afterwards when circumstances have changed.

I wish you all the best.

Firstly, I am sorry that you have found yourself in this situation. I have never been in your situation but my best friend has. They had an unplanned pregnancy in the first couple of years of their relationship and decided to terminate as they had their future life mapped out and this baby would mean that buying a house and saving for a wedding would all go out the window. She had just started her job so her maternity pay would have been dire. They went on to marry and have 2 children together later on and are still together 30 years later.

Yes babies do not need to cost much in terms of equipment and clothing but in terms of childcare costs? I am in Yorkshire and they are £50 per day here or
£1000 per month for a 5 day a week nursery place. So it is worth looking into what this will cost, plus you need to talk about reduced pay whilst on maternity compared to your usual salary, maternity leave length, returning to work full time or part time, who will take time off when the child is sick or sent home from childcare.

I know people will tell you that there is no perfect time to have a child and that is true but 22 is young, you are just starting out in life. You have time to plan a pregnancy after your house purchase and the wedding and a car. I wouldn't have wanted my child at my wedding, sorry but I wouldn't. I also enjoyed a child free honeymoon unlike several of our friends who couldn't leave their child for 1 week let alone 2 weeks.

Dh and I had been together for 7 years when we had our first child. We didn't choose to have one that soon but I was told I would need IVF so start ttc immediately and miracle of miracles I was pregnant in the first month. But we had time to enjoy just being the two of us for years, progress our careers, buy a house, save to cover the cost of a child.

You have to do what is right for you, it doesn't matter what other people in the world want. Nor do you need to justify when you ttc. It is nothing to do with anyone except you and your partner. You have to go into this with your eyes open, working out the two possible paths which is why I said about childcare costs etc. This is the reality.

Such a tough situation op, my heart goes out to you. Financially as pps have said, you will not be in a hugely different situation in a years time surely, especially with wedding and house costs. Baby stuff can be brought second hand and cheap, you can breastfeed etc - there are ways to make things work if you really want to. But only if it’s what you want. I know you said you don’t want to elongate the process but have a proper think about all aspects. You don’t need to justify anything to anyone and any reason is valid. Fwiw, I’ve just become a mum at 25 and still felt a bit OMG but I’m so young/unprepared! initially. I think most have that feeling. Take a few days to process everything and continue talking it all out with your partner and mum and get some more support if you need it.

Look out here OP - I have spotted a pro-lifer on this thread. You need impartial
advice and I strongly recommend the BPAS service.
I wish you all the best - I’ve been where you are and let me say that the fact that it is so hard is what makes you a good, kind and compassionate person and whatever you decide those are great things x

Thank you so so much to everyone’s who replied so far. I’ve read each word of every comment.

Some things

We’d probably need 2, maybe 3 full days of childcare per week as DP’s shift pattern means he’s off the same day every week and have a relative who would do one day a week. Would probs be £350-400 a month ish, reduced again further ie if eligible, after tax free childcare.

We aren’t planning a big wedding probably registry office then spend more on a nice honeymoon, neither of us has ever wanted the big fuss and relatives live too far away and would bicker over too much. Not for us. Never thought about the importance of a child free honeymoon though, so that’s definitely a consideration!

Congratulations @PretzelBite and thank you x

I appreciate hearing your friend’s experience @JettersonStokes it sounds like they did okay too. It sounds very similar to ours.

Thank you @Cravingsweets it helps to even read that. I’d feel so terrible if we line up a house, I decide it is what I want and we TTC again say in autumn this year. I’d think, what was so wrong with the one six months ago? But a lot can change in life and quickly I guess.

Honestly OP you're not upgrading your car, buying a house, furnishing it and getting married in the next year if you don't already have almost enough saved to do so.

Where are you on the savings front at the moment?

@GoodChat we’re only a couple of thousand down from the deposit, so we’re near. It’s just finding the right house. Will upgrade car after house to look better to lenders. As previously said planning for a cheap wedding and kindly relatives will cover honeymoon.

I feel for you, OP! You sound lovely and very switched-on, and I'm sure you will be OK whatever you decide. A very early TOP means the pregnancy could easily have miscarried anyway, and as someone else said, it's no one's business when you decide to try again. Your body, your family, your life. Take good care and best of luck x.

Ah fair enough - that makes sense. If you do choose to go ahead with the pregnancy could you get a loan from the generous relatives in lieu of the honeymoon to get the house ball rolling?

@Sirikit thank you lovely, that’s really kind to say. That’s what I was thinking. There would be no way of knowing, really, and I’ve read online that your body does not know the difference really and just thinks it was something that naturally happened.