I'm 19 and pregnant and not sure what to do

[candyhaws]

Hey I found out this weekend I am pregnant and I have no clue what to do. I just feel sick at the thought of having an abortion and what happens to the baby and I just keep imagining it and I feel like I should be protecting it but idk. I just don't know and I never thought this would happen. I was on the pill but I think I may have missed some and I didn't think missing the odd pill was a big deal. But I feel almost like maybe everything happens for a reason and that maybe this is what I want but I don't know if this is stupid and my mum says that this is "pretentious nonsense." I know I definitely want to be a mum someday and I don't know when that will be and maybe I won't get another chance and I'll regret it. And I think if I got an abortion I'd always think about what could have happened and I would regret it but idk. But I am 19 and probably not ready and my mum says she thinks I am immature and naive and that I have no idea what it will be like and I don't know if I am being stupid or not. And I am scared that I will have no social life or anything and I will just be a mum and nothing else. I am in uni and not sure if I would be able to finish, I am just about to finish first year this year. And I have no job and I am a student. And my bf says that he doesn't want to be a dad and he says he's not ready and doesn't think I am either and he says he just wants to be young and not have to worry about this. And he says that if I have the baby he's not sure he would want to continue the relationship and he's not sure he wants to be a proper dad and doesn't want to make any commitments. He says he will try to help but he doesn't want to be a proper dad even though I know he could be really great. And he was like he says he thinks I could probably make it work and be a good mum but he was like "is that really what you want to do?" and he said it in quite a patronizing voice which pissed me off. And he keeps telling me to stop texting him about it as it is annoying and he is revising and its like he's so emotionally distant and just doesn't really care. I am not sure if he is being a jerk or if I am just being dumb. I just want to know what it will be like and if there are any young mums what was it like and how did you cope with it all and just want general advice on it?

I was 19 when I had my first child. I won't lie it wasn't always easy but I don't regret it for a moment. Everyone's situation is different, take your time to think what it is you really want.
Talk it through with people in RL, you have plenty of options but ultimately the decision is yours

It doesn't matter what your mum or BF thinks.

What does matter is this.... Do you want a child? Not not to have an abortion. To actually have and raise a child to adulthood. It's hard and children do better when they are wanted and loved. Don't do what you think you should do. Do what is right for you.

I have supported many young mums and some honestly weren't ready.

Sending a huge hug. This is a massive decision for you. No one can tell you what to do. But whichever way it goes, from what you have shared, I'd assume your boyfriend will not be in your life in the future. FWIW I was in your position at your age and decided not to go through with it. I have never regretted that decision

How was it? What was your life like? Did you like do uni and like how hard was it to start working with a child?

I was also pregnant at 19. Unsure if I was ready. But I just knew I couldn't have an abortion. No judgement on people who do. But I couldn't. Difference was my then DP was behind me every step of the way.

That baby is now almost 18 (and has a 15 year old brother). The relationship with their dad didn't last, but I don't regret any of it for a second. It hasn't always been easy. We've been beyond skint for a lot of it.

You can finish uni, I know people who have. They might have deferred a year depending on the course and what support they have.

I've got friends who aborted in the same circumstances. Only you can decide which is better for you.

I don't know if I do I think part of me does but I am unsure and confused and I don't know what it would be like. I think I would definitely love my child. I just don't know and I am just confused and unsure by it all

Only you can decide. It is scary and probably one of the most important decisions that you will ever make.
Have you spoken to a professional about your options?

Raising a child is expensive and will take up the majority of your time for the next 20 years.

if you have loving support around you it is possible of course. Do what is right for YOU.

Thanks! I have no clue and am super overwhelmed and confused by everything. I don't know if i will regret it but i think i might i just don't know anything

Hiya,

First off, don't panic! Easier said than done I know. I'm a young mum, I'm 21 with an eleven week old daughter. I fell pregnant last summer after just finishing my first year of uni. I have a long term partner who wasn't ready to be a father and talking to him about it was tricky. I went to the abortion clinic three times, but couldn't go through with it. The midwife there told me that I would know what I wanted to do when I left the clinic the first time, and it was to keep her! My partner came to terms with it around 16/17 weeks but it wasn't easy. I had a horrendous pregnancy especially during the first few months due to hyperemesis which meant I had to take the year out from uni but I am due to return in September! I worked throughout my pregnancy so I would qualify for maternity allowance from the government. I am now applying for student finance so start my second year in September. There is quite a bit of support from SF such as being classed as an independent and single student meaning you get the full loan, parental learning allowance grant and childcare grant so nursery is affordable while you are at university.

Despite all this, it is so scary to find out you are unexpectedly pregnant and I'm not going to lie, pregnancy and these past 11 weeks have been so trying but it is doable! But I am grateful to have a super supportive partner and family. At the end of the day you have to follow your heart, whether you feel ready or not and trust in your decision. There are 'what ifs' with both options, keeping the baby or having an abortion but you will love your baby either way ♥️

Can you financially support a baby? Where will you live? Are you fully prepared to go it alone? I can almost guarantee your boyfriend will be long gone once the baby arrives, he's basically said as much. If you were my daughter, I would encourage you to terminate. You are still a teenager and you have the rest of your life ahead of you, having a baby will make things very, very difficult.

Ultimately, it's about what you want and what you feel able to manage. It sounds like neither your boyfriend nor your mum will be hugely supportive, so if you go ahead with this, do so prepared to do it alone. Many many women have done this so you can too, if it's what you want.

Do you have an income? Are you still living with your parents? These are unfortunately things you will have to think about if you're having a baby.

Also, on a slightly separate note, I think you have to accept that either way your relationship is over. If he loved you, and could be responsible, he would not threaten your relationship over this. Even if you have an abortion, he's not a keeper. Sorry.

I don't know if i can or not i do feel horrible at thinking of it. What was your life like after and was it easy to start working? I just am so overwhelmed by everything and unsure

I personally couldn't have had a child at that age. I would have lived with regret. I got to see amazing countries in my 20's, go to festivals, complete my degree, climb the career ladder and earn good money, buy a house, have fun and become the person I am today. I am now in my 30's, married with a baby and it is HARD WORK and has made me realise just how unprepared I would have been as a young mother. I feel as though you are romanticising the idea of having a baby when in reality you don't seem to have a proper plan other than saying you know you'll "love your baby".

Where will you live? How will you afford to live and care for your baby? Looking after a baby as a couple is hard enough, looking after a baby by yourself is 10 times harder.

And I am scared that I will have no social life or anything and I will just be a mum and nothing else. I am in uni and not sure if I would be able to finish, I am just about to finish first year this year. And I have no job and I am a student. And my bf says that he doesn't want to be a dad and he says he's not ready and doesn't think I am either and he says he just wants to be young and not have to worry about this.

^19 with no job, no money and almost certainly raising your child as a single parent. You won’t have any social life, who would look after the child so you can finish university? Where will you live?

I'm 22 with an 8 month old. I had some years out and went to uni at 20- fell pregnant first year. I finished first year and had my baby last October. I'm now taking 2 years out- as I'm not ready to go back this September. Not all unis will let you do this though.
Am I young? Yes. Do I regret it? No.
Luckily I did a lot of things (multiple girls holidays, moved out of home, experienced clubbing culture, been to a few countries) before falling pregnant or else the decision would have been harder for me.

I think you have to weigh up how you actually feel abs how much you are prepared to sacrifice.

Right now I'm 22 and haven't been out for a meal / drinks with my girl friends (that isn't a coffee shop mid week at lunch) since before I was pregnant. My baby is very needy and reliant on me and I can't leave him for over 4/5 hours. He still wakes up 3/4 times a night. I know I'm not going to be able to go abroad for a few years. My finances have been hit HARD and I would NOT have coped without my dad and my boyfriend and his families support.

I guess you have to think about

1. How much you're willing to sacrifice. You're likely not going to be able to have a night out/holiday/lazy day for a very long time.
2. How much support do you have? Emotionally- who will be there for you when it gets tough? Will your family/bf come around?
3. Finances? If you have no job and you're at uni you're going to need financial support from your parents presumably? Is that possible?
4. Practicalities? Do you have a secure home? Are you responsible? Can you raise a baby?

By all means having my baby was the best thing I ever did and I love him unconditionally but oh my god has it been hard. I didn't realise (I was very naive) quite how much it really takes over your life. But despite the sleepless nights, smelly nappies, leaking nipples, minimal 'me' time- being a mum is my favourite thing in the world.

I hope you make the right decision for you and nobody else.

It would be incredibly hard but your young and so have energy to do it if you don’t want to terminate.

Men can be complete shits though. It was as much his responsibility as yours to prevent a pregnancy.

I chose not to have kids at all because it didn’t look much fun to me.

As someone who had a child at 22 I wouldn’t do it again, yes I love my child but no way would I do it again if I had my time again. I would really think long and hard, the relationship didn’t last and he doesn’t see her at all now.

I had a child at 19. If I could of had the same child but at least 6 years later I would of. Your youth is so precious, having fun and no responsibilities, going through uni carefree, being able to travel, go to concerts and festivals, find out who you are, get a career, buy a house. I wouldn't advise anyone to have a child at 19 having done it. I also was in first year at uni, I dropped out.

Good for you realizing that he is being unhelpful and unsupportive.
As other posters have said it is possible to have a child and also achieve your goals. There is also help out there if your family isn’t respecting your wishes to have your baby
life charity, goodcounselnet, have resources to help. They are Christian but help anyone who wants it

I was a sahm until they were both in school. Then I went to college and did an access course and then worked full time. I was lucky to find a job i loved. I did have watertight childcare though. With 2 back ups.

My life afte was, well it was my life. Its not what I would have done had I not had a baby. But I wouldn't change it. I don't know if it would have been better if I'd made the other decision.

You don't need to rush a decision though. Take time to weigh the pros and cons.

I had a baby at 19. I'm now 20, I love my son but I do regret having him. It's hard. Especially when you're on your own. Different people have different circumstances though, some people have their family to help and they can continue living their life but if you know you won't, everyday will be the same, if you do want to go out you have to plan in advance and get childcare, no spontaneous trips, no going to the shop past baby's bedtime, endless laundry, constant mess, but you get through it

You can do it. I'm a big believer in whatever happens happens for a reason too. Congratulations 💐

Where are you living now op? When it comes to deciding everyone on here always says it’s up to the mother, no one else gets a say. I guess that’s true to some extent, but it’s the people around you that provide the support you’d need for this to happen successfully. Are you still living at home with your mum? It sounds like you are, and she’s clearly not supportive of the pregnancy. It sounds like continuing this will very likely end up with you single, jobless, homeless, and there’ll be no hope of you continuing uni with no money or childcare. Of course you could still continue with the pregnancy, but will that result in bringing a child up on benefits in a homeless hostel? Some people cannot bare to have a termination, and clearly that’s fine. But I think you’re missing out on an opportunity to get qualified, get and a good job and establish a stable relationship with someone who wants the same things of you. Of course there’s a chance you could have the baby and go on to have an amazing life. But going by your circumstances it sounds like you’re in for a rough start, the baby’s immediately being born into a broken home x

Equally though, despite it working out ok for me, I was only able to make my decision because I knew I would be giving my baby a nice life. My partner and I are in the process of buying a home, I was working part time during university in education (my degree is to be a primary teacher!) as well as childcare and I was lucky enough to have a savings and a really supportive family on both sides, my partners and mine. And despite my partner being apprehensive, he's supported me through this whole thing. I agree it would be much more difficult if I was in difference circumstances and something I may have had to think much harder about my choice.

However things do work out no matter what you will choose, good luck x