I'm 19 and pregnant and not sure what to do

[candyhaws]

Hey I found out this weekend I am pregnant and I have no clue what to do. I just feel sick at the thought of having an abortion and what happens to the baby and I just keep imagining it and I feel like I should be protecting it but idk. I just don't know and I never thought this would happen. I was on the pill but I think I may have missed some and I didn't think missing the odd pill was a big deal. But I feel almost like maybe everything happens for a reason and that maybe this is what I want but I don't know if this is stupid and my mum says that this is "pretentious nonsense." I know I definitely want to be a mum someday and I don't know when that will be and maybe I won't get another chance and I'll regret it. And I think if I got an abortion I'd always think about what could have happened and I would regret it but idk. But I am 19 and probably not ready and my mum says she thinks I am immature and naive and that I have no idea what it will be like and I don't know if I am being stupid or not. And I am scared that I will have no social life or anything and I will just be a mum and nothing else. I am in uni and not sure if I would be able to finish, I am just about to finish first year this year. And I have no job and I am a student. And my bf says that he doesn't want to be a dad and he says he's not ready and doesn't think I am either and he says he just wants to be young and not have to worry about this. And he says that if I have the baby he's not sure he would want to continue the relationship and he's not sure he wants to be a proper dad and doesn't want to make any commitments. He says he will try to help but he doesn't want to be a proper dad even though I know he could be really great. And he was like he says he thinks I could probably make it work and be a good mum but he was like "is that really what you want to do?" and he said it in quite a patronizing voice which pissed me off. And he keeps telling me to stop texting him about it as it is annoying and he is revising and its like he's so emotionally distant and just doesn't really care. I am not sure if he is being a jerk or if I am just being dumb. I just want to know what it will be like and if there are any young mums what was it like and how did you cope with it all and just want general advice on it?

I wrote a message & it didn't post 😭

I had my DD at 20 & was a single parent. Minimal support from ex over the years. My family were very supportive thankfully. Do you have support from family and friends?

The early years were harder. Lonely at nights when DD was in bed. I was only able to work part time as childcare was expensive & relied on benefits to top up my wage. Luckily I qualified for social housing which helped.

As DD got older I was able to complete courses & would've been able to complete Uni had I wanted to.

My career ticked along & again as DD grew older (& the living wage was introduced) I was able to work more & take on more responsibility.

My DD is now 12 (im 33) & I wouldn't change her for the world. I now have a health condition which impacts my ability to have more children & I am so grateful I had my daughter when I did. She is the most wonderful, funny, interesting, smart person & I love (now that we are more comfortable) being a young mum.

Do I wish I could've been secure with money/housing/relationship before having a child - yes. Would I go back & change it - no. Every choice I've made brought me to where I am now.

I work in a position I love in finance. I met a new partner & we are due to marry next year. I have two lovely stepsons. We bought our first house a couple of years ago.

We are by no means well off, very much working class but my children don't go without & they are loved!

I got pregnant at 19, my baby was born when I was 5 months away from my 21st birthday, and it wasn't that hard at the time. That baby is now 11, and although I love him to the ends of the earth and back, I'm only now aware that I gave up the best years of my life to raise him. It's not a decision to be taken lightly, however it is your decision and yours alone. I hope you're at peace with whatever decision you make.

Try this.. when you pictured your life before you found out you were pregnant, what did you see? What were your plans, hopes, dreams? Did you envisage being a young mum? Have you any burning ambitions? Now picture that life with a baby, a child, a teenager to consider, care for, (worry about constantly!) & nurture into a decent human being every step of the way, probably on your own. Is it still possible and if not how does that make you feel?

I had my first child at 19. I was in a good position as I was newly married, we'd just bought a house, my husband was incredibly supportive and wanted to be a Dad, both sets of parents were very supportive and it was still really difficult.
I don't think I would have gone through with the pregnancy in different circumstances.

As a parent of a 19 year old I would encourage my child toward termination. I don't take the view of things happen for a reason, because why did my Mum die within 3 months of being diagnosed with cancer? What is the reason for that? It seems people apply that logic to things they consider to be good.

I will be honest, this comes down to your housing situation and how much support you will have. This isn't just a baby, this is a toddler, a preschooler, a child at primary, a secondary school teenager, a sixth former and possibly a young adult at university. Right now we are paying £5k a year for our university child to attend.

Childcare average in a nursery is £1k per month according to people on here. As gently as possible, you have no job, no home of your own and realistically you could be doing this alone as that boy will walk, he isn't ready to be a Dad he has told you this. He will continue his degree, party, socialise etc probably get another girlfriend and have no responsibility, that will be all yours.

You are 19, this isn't your only chance to be a parent. Surely it is better to have a planned child, one with a supportive and involved partner, one where you own or rent your own property and not live with your parents. One that you can afford to give the best life to because you have a great job because of the degree you could fully concentrate on. I was married and 29 when I had my first child. It was hard even with a fully hands on besotted Dad for my children. I really feel for you, I had friends who did terminate, one at 17 years old and one at 19 who was in uni with us.

I'd advise you to get some independent counselling if you have time. I'm afraid I don't believe things happen for a reason in that way. You had sex and you're now pregnant and the only person who can make the decision about what happens next is you, because the only person who is looking at 18 years/the rest of your life raising another human being is you.

I had a termination at 19 and although it hurt at the time it was the right decision. I'm 24 and will be going through another one shortly due to a horrible relationship breakdown and still being in the same place as when I was 19. I don't think there's ever a right time and you never know until you go ahead with it but what scared me was the fact that I have a mental age of 16-17 and my immaturity would have a devastating affect. I'm still living at home, never had a job and never had a secure relationship and I can't see it ever changing. There's pros and cons of whatever you choose, and only you can decide what's right for not only you but baby as well. I grew up in a broken household but my mum did a great job and it never even occurred to me that I needed a dad.

I had DS at 23 and even now the hardest part of one of the main things is that you miss out with your friends and just being care free.

Your also in Uni, realistically it sounds like you would be a single parent which is not easy.. and trying to date with a child? It's not impossible but it's harder by far.

Sorry I would terminate.

If you were my child and you were pregnant at 19 I would strongly encourage you to have a termination. You can have a baby and be. Good mum but you are young gang you have your life ahead of you. Why make it harder than it needs to be

I am not sure if he is being a jerk or if I am just being dumb
**
Well ... and in real life I would have you sat down with a cup of tea, a tin of biscuits and a box of tissues... both, I think.

The best thing is to think really, really hard about what would be needed if you were to have this child. Harder than when you were studying for A levels. Because this is a huge decision and you need to be as well-informed as you can possibly be.
What would be needed during pregnancy, during the pre-school years, the school years, the uni years.

How much money is needed to look after the two of you? Where would you live? Who would rent to you and where? How do you plan your day to make sure you, and baby, and your home, are all well cared for?

How much time, if any, would you have free to get a job and what jobs would be open to you and how would you get to them? What happens if you are sick? How much does childcare cost?

Do you drive or have a car, and if not, how much would it cost to get a license and insurance and a vehicle... How much could benefits and CSA bring in?

BE REALISTIC. If people on here say, "no, you can't just put the baby in her cot and do a normal 8 hour/day WFH job and then spend the evening cleaning and cooking meals to freeze for the week ahead" BELIEVE THEM.

It is absolutely your decision but it is also your responsibility to go into it with your eyes open.

Look... Lots of people have oops babies young, it's not the end of the world! But the knock on effects - having to be so careful about who you choose as baby's eventual stepdad; keeping civil relations with her Dad and his family; being the best role model as Mum and Dad for your child - are big, are serious, and some problems you won't solve at all.

So get out your laptop, or notebook and pen, your calculator, and start working it all out. There is no downside to doing this. Either you are as well prepared a young mother as you can be, or you will at least be at peace with your decision to not be, right now, because you looked at everything in detail and knew it just wasn't going to work out.

Good luck either way.

I think after covid and the cost of everything going up... what people did 15+ years ago holds no relevance regarding the finicial side.

Just to give you a heads up OP. In order to claim any childcare costs back...you have to pay them UPFRONT yourself and it takes at least 4 weeks to get a percentage back.

Great post @Fenella123

How do you feel? If you want to keep it please keep it. There's no getting that baby back once it's gone. That's how I feel. I feel like those around me should have supported and helped me more instead of telling me I wouldn't be able to cope.

Can you meet a child’s basic needs…do you have a home?
A steady income?
Support?

Are you in a position to give your child the best start in life now and for the next 18+years?

Being a parent is about putting your child’s needs before your own and that starts now in pregnancy and that means being honest about how good a parent you can be.

You have another 20+ years in which to have children. Time to complete your degree, discover the career you would like to pursue (unencumbered by a small child and associated childcare costs), make a home, find a partner who loves and supports you and is excited at the prospect of having a family with you and can be a great father to your child.

The reason people around you aren’t supportive is because your circumstances are great for a student, awful for a future parent. You can of course go ahead and “prove them wrong”, many people do. But my god having a child is tough, even for people with supportive partners, families and plenty of money in the bank. You have none of that it will be hard, do you really want that?

I was 19 when I fell pregnant too.
Honestly? I've loved it, most definitely did not regret it, and went on to have 2 more kids afterwards. Ex and I went on to get married but are now divorced.
BUT, my one regret is that I didn't continue my plan of uni, career etc. I was having a 'gap year' when I fell pregnant, and then never went to uni. I then just worked part-time retail for a few years, then was a SAHM for a few years. Then I went to uni when I was in my late 20's/early 30's, so I feel like I'm "behind". Financially I'm not great, I think because I never had the chance to build up savings, assets, or investments. Still haven't, 20 years later.
So my very strong recommendation to you would be to not give up uni. Even if you just have to take a year off, but then go back to it. But just keep on that path for a career for yourself.

I’ve been in your shoes and I’m now 40. My children are 7 and 11. I made the right choice for me at the right time but it was the hardest thing I ever had to do.

This!!!! It is so so hard, so expensive, and I’m so glad I had my 20s for having fun, travelling, climbing the career ladder and meeting an amazing partner who is a wonderful dad.

I was 28 when I had my first child, with an education, a career, a house, a husband, and a supportive network of friends who were also starting families. Even so, it broke me. It is incredibly hard work bringing a baby into this world, it takes so much time and energy and for ages I just felt invisible. They are bigger now and things are better, but there is no way I would have coped at 19.

My sister had a baby at 20 in similar circumstances to yours - she had to move home with my parents and give up her own life completely for a while. She never got her degree, her life is ok, but it’s taken a pretty big detour.

I think you need to make a practical decision - and you need to make it for you (not anyone else, not even a baby). Is this what you want from your life? Because if it’s not then it’s ok to be selfish.

Aw, OP

Please contact your university counseling / wellbeing service. They can put you in touch with specialist support, which is what you need.
Best of luck 💐

OP you have three choices here.
A termination, keep the baby or have the baby adopted.

if you do have the baby adopted you will give up 9 months of your life and a couple will be very happy to have a baby. My dil is adopted, she also has now met her birth mum and they get on really well.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I had my first child at 30 and I had a partner and a house and a job -and I still found it very, very hard.
Do you think you can meet a child’s basic needs? Shelter, warmth, food, security?
Can you meet their emotional and psychological needs? Can you be calm, patient, firm, fun and loving?

I was 19 when I had my first child. I was half way through university, my boyfriend didn’t have a job but I knew from the moment of the positive test that I was going to have the baby. I’m not against abortion at all and if I fell pregnant now (2 children who are 11,6) then I’d consider it as I am now at the stage of my life where everything is easy.

anyway I took a year out of uni. My boyfriend got a job. He worked incredibly hard and was offered a promotion…. 300 miles away.

he moved and I stayed with the baby and finished university. When I graduated I got a graduate job in the same location as my boyfriend.

we both worked full time and juggled our jobs with a small child and no childcare. It wasn’t easy… at all but now we are financially very comfortable.

we had a second child when my first was 5 and because of my boyfriends job I could stay at home until she was 5.

now they are both at school. I am early 30s and my first child is 11. We both work full time but I know my baby days are over and I can focus on them. I feel lucky that at 30 I have done the hardest part and now we are financially stable whilst I see my peers now having their first children… I almost have a teenager.

social life wasn’t a typical early 20s but I did still go out and enjoy myself.

I was young and naive for sure and I didn’t realise how hard it would be but it was worth it.

This

It must be very hard for you just now. Your age doesn't matter really, in fact 19 is an ideal time for a baby as you are young enough to have the stamina it takes. I know a lot of my daughter's friends have had babies in their late thirties, early forties and that really is a problem from a physical point of view. You don't want to be in your late fifties with a teenager.

Nature makes your body ready for children in your teens, but unfortunately, today's society doesn't. You need money, somewhere to live, time to devote to a child and support. And it doesn't sound as if you have any of these.

That's just my opinion, and I think there may be people on here who will think differently.

The question isn't your age, it's your situation. You are a student with no home of your own and from what you say, no real support. Your boyfriend has made it clear enough that he won't be around.

Having a child is expensive. If I were your mum I would be advising you to terminate. You need to finish uni, get a decent job and meet someone who wants a child as much as you do.

But of course, it is your body, your potential baby and your decision.

I was 19 when I fell with my first child. A few days from leaving for the military and had only dated the father a handful of times so no relationship.

I gave up the chance of my career (the military forced me into a corner) and became a single parent. It was hard because my whole life changed beyond my wildest expectations. I had minimal support. I ended up working full-time and spending all of my very low earnings on childcare and rent. I had no money for myself, ever. I had 2 or 3 outfits for work and a couple of pairs of jeans and t-shirts. No nice clothing, day trips or holidays. I didn't comprehend at 19 that by making the decision to give up the opportunity of a career and financial independence to have a baby that my life would become so harsh. Not just for me but for my child too.

You NEED emotional and financial support being a single parent because the toll can be damaging without support and I've not known many single parents who earn decent salaries which supports them plus children in a decent lifestyle. The evenings you can't go out because you can't get a babysitter, the invitations that dry up from friends because they view you differently now. You won't belong in the couples groups either because that just reminds you that you're a single parent. It's a strange 'in-between' place of existence, once which I found incredibly lonely and isolating and led me to depression and over-eating.

Are you ready to give up your degree? Give up the chance of establishing a career for yourself, the opportunity of giving yourself the keys to financial independence? Give up your carefree social life? Give up single-life travel with friends? Are you prepared to give it all up for potential loneliness, constant washing, baby-feeding, interrupted sleep, potential financial dependency on others, saying goodbye to your body as it is today? Every single day for the next 18 years you will put the needs of someone else before your own. Everything you know your life as today will look completely different this time next year, everything. The dynamics of all of your relationships will change too.

Your life WILL change for ever. The question is will it change for the better or worse? Your boyfriend has made it clear he will not be there to support you both, he wants his single life. If you are harbouring thoughts he may change his mind then err on the side of caution that he will NOT. Then when that becomes clear you will have the fallout of a relationship break up to deal with as well as a pregnancy. Have you read on Mumsnet the difficulties between parents when relationships break down? It's horrendously painful and casts a shadow over your life for years. Women need men to raise a baby but you are very young to be contemplating giving up your freedom and lack of responsibility without having your ducks in a row.

How will you support the baby financially? If you have to return to work full-time will you be able to afford the childcare on your single salary, bearing in mind the salary scale for someone with no experience or qualifications. If you decide not to return to work then assume a life on benefits? Unless your family is financially able to support you and the baby.. don't assume you will get maintenance from the father, they have their own ways and means of avoiding that.

Then you've got the whole blended family thing when you eventually meet someone who won't be the baby's father. Make no mistake the dating pool when you're a single parent is reduced in quality! I met my now husband after being on my own for 13 years and have dated some pricks who were just on the lookout for vulnerable single mums (yes, single mums are a vulnerable targeted by pricks).

Having said that, if you have a loving family who understand your situation and will support you with whatever you need then it may be ok.

There will some who have been successful at being a single parent and that's really great for them and their children, genuinely. But the majority of single parents struggle for years emotionally and financially so it's really important that when making your decision you look at the reality of your life rather than how you hope it will be. Nobody else will be responsible for the baby except you and the father and if he is not a willing participant then it's solely down to you.

I don't want to patronise you but 19 is very young to become a parent (because of what you will be giving up). If I had my time again I'd wait until I'd established my finances and was in a relationship where we both wanted the same things.

Good luck in whatever you decide.