I'm 19 and pregnant and not sure what to do

[candyhaws]

Hey I found out this weekend I am pregnant and I have no clue what to do. I just feel sick at the thought of having an abortion and what happens to the baby and I just keep imagining it and I feel like I should be protecting it but idk. I just don't know and I never thought this would happen. I was on the pill but I think I may have missed some and I didn't think missing the odd pill was a big deal. But I feel almost like maybe everything happens for a reason and that maybe this is what I want but I don't know if this is stupid and my mum says that this is "pretentious nonsense." I know I definitely want to be a mum someday and I don't know when that will be and maybe I won't get another chance and I'll regret it. And I think if I got an abortion I'd always think about what could have happened and I would regret it but idk. But I am 19 and probably not ready and my mum says she thinks I am immature and naive and that I have no idea what it will be like and I don't know if I am being stupid or not. And I am scared that I will have no social life or anything and I will just be a mum and nothing else. I am in uni and not sure if I would be able to finish, I am just about to finish first year this year. And I have no job and I am a student. And my bf says that he doesn't want to be a dad and he says he's not ready and doesn't think I am either and he says he just wants to be young and not have to worry about this. And he says that if I have the baby he's not sure he would want to continue the relationship and he's not sure he wants to be a proper dad and doesn't want to make any commitments. He says he will try to help but he doesn't want to be a proper dad even though I know he could be really great. And he was like he says he thinks I could probably make it work and be a good mum but he was like "is that really what you want to do?" and he said it in quite a patronizing voice which pissed me off. And he keeps telling me to stop texting him about it as it is annoying and he is revising and its like he's so emotionally distant and just doesn't really care. I am not sure if he is being a jerk or if I am just being dumb. I just want to know what it will be like and if there are any young mums what was it like and how did you cope with it all and just want general advice on it?

I personally couldn't have had a child at that age. I would have lived with regret. I got to see amazing countries in my 20's, go to festivals, complete my degree, climb the career ladder and earn good money, buy a house, have fun and become the person I am today.

All these things can be done with child, especially just one child. Young parents just sit unemployed for 18 years, with their child handcuffed to them? It's all easy to do for some- there's people with no kids struggling.

The decision, OP, would depend on family support. Don't underestimate how important it is to be able to have that, maybe to live at home for a few years. Good luck with uni whatever you choose - I got through a competitive uni with a new baby and child, at 21.

If you terminate, that's equally valid. There's still time to have a child in 5-10 years when you're in optimum position.

*Women do NOT need men to raise a baby.

Missed out a very important word!

It’s not just about you, it’s about the child. You say you know you will love your baby. But will you? Can you? If you -and the child -are poor, lonely, depressed, living somewhere grotty, tired and stressed, will you not resent or even hate your child? Will you not be too depressed to engage with them, tired and stressed so you shout at them? Etc. Even people in the best circumstances will have times like this.

My daughter was a 21 year old student who was 6 weeks into her study year in America when she discovered she was pregnant. It was a massive shock as she found out she was 7 months along ( she had no weight gain and had been on the pill). She came home, took a year out and returned to uni with baby. She did finish her degree with a first. The baby’s father decided to not have any contact. It has not been easy, she has made many sacrifices not least her social life. She has needed a lot of family help both financially, emotionally and physically with baby sitting. She has lived at home since graduating and is now, 3 years later, about to move into her own home. Single motherhood has worked for her but it is certainly not easy and should not be undertaken lightly.

A point of view that I don't think has been touched on yet. How far along are you? With regards to the abortion, are you more worried about physically going through with it and any pain etc? Or more the psychological side? I had a very early termination (5 weeks pregnant), the pills were sent by post and honestly it wasn't much worse than a period. A few days of heavy bleeding then light bleeding up to day 10. No pain, although they send you painkillers too just in case. I knew it was the right thing for our family (two toddlers already) and seeing it be just like a period reinforced that it definitely wasn't a baby at that point and it was sort of empowering to be able to make that decision about my health and life. Lots of women don't have the option.

If you had realised at the time that that time you had sex had resulted in a pregnancy would you have taken the morning after pill?

Not pushing abortion onto you at all, just giving you a different point of view.

I was pregnant at 20. No regrets whatsoever, my life is great. We own a home, I now have 3 children, DS1 is an absolute joy. There were times when it was hard, and DS1 has additional needs which led to some challenging situations, but I wouldn’t change anything and I’m so glad to have him and my other dc. I actually think I became a better person after becoming a mother.

I was part way through my second year of uni when I got pregnant unexpectedly. I was married with 2 older children of 10 and 8 and in total shock. I had my first 2 children young and thought it was my time to go to uni. I thought long and hard and did not think I could have abortion. It's hard to make a decision when you have raging pregnancy hormones and morning sickness all day. My dh was not a lot of help he just kept saying you decide we hat you want and I'm happy to support your decision. Which on the one hand sounds supportive but actually puts all the stress of making the decision firmly back on me. I chose to have baby. I had to take third year off my degree and go back to complete final year when my baby was 9 months. Uni found me a creche space on campus and they were so helpful to me. Before you make any decisions I would say speak to uni and ask what creche facilities they have and if you might be eligible for a hardship payment on to cover cost of childcare whilst you finish your degree. I got my childcare cost covered by a hardship fund at uni. You also need to have a chat to your Mum and ask her if you went ahead and had baby would she help with childcare just whilst you are at uni or not. Sounds like bf will not help so would just expect to be a single Mum if you went ahead. Being a Mum is lovely but also hard. You may not be ready to be a Mum. I would say before you make a decision seek out all forms of potential support/childcare from uni so when you do make decision it is based on best known information. Good luck whatever you decide and if you choose to abort don't be hard on yourself. One last thing if you do go ahead bf will have to help with cost of baby financially whether he wants to or not.

You also need to have a chat to your Mum and ask her if you went ahead and had baby would she help with childcare just whilst you are at uni or not.

I can’t imagine this would ever be possible. Surely most mums are at work themselves. I have a 19-year-old and I have to work full time.

My mum did some of the childcare for DS1 when I was 20 at university, it’s a valid question.

Having a baby is harder than you can ever imagine. I had mine at 30 and hardly felt ready. You life as you know it is OVER. That's ok at 30, but at 19?

Ask yourself, would you have chosen to get pregnant now? I'm sure the answer is an unqualified NO. For many reasons: you're still a student, you're not even supporting yourself, you don't even know what you want to do with your life. Having a baby now is a terrible idea. If it were the right time you wouldn't be having all these doubts. Sure, women do it at your age but it makes life very hard and limits your choices.

I had a termination at your age. At the time I was conflicted and very sad, but I don't have a single regret.

Life is not over when you have a child, what a strange stance to take.

@ForestFae to some degree it is. You miss out on a lot of things and your friends will have no responsibility whilst you have a newborn. I could not have done it at 19. The finicial impact is huge too as your likely not secure but OP would all of a sudden have a baby to provide for.

Early 20s are a great life stage. I was running round Ibiza at 21 and at 24 I had opportunity to do another girls holiday... however I had a young baby and his dad was reluctant to watch him whilst I went away so you can do things still but it's not remotely the same OP

It depends what you want out of life. Going to Ibiza and going on girls holidays isn’t my cup of tea.

My life was certainly over, depends what support you have, if you have involved parents or partner who will be having your child regularly then yeh it’s fine but I had zero help and was a lone parent, my life was over I was stuck at home all day on my own with a baby. No other friends had babies so I was pretty isolated and lonely they would meet up and not invite me because it wasn’t baby friendly (bars / clubbing go on holidays together) I look bad and realise I missed the best years of my life stuck at home changing dirty nappies.

How are you stuck at home? Newborns are pretty portable, especially when there’s just one of them. When I had DS1 I took him everywhere with me, even into a university lecture at one point when I had no childcare that day (obviously not a regular occurrence). We went to museums, National trusts, hikes, art galleries, castles, holidays, beaches. Everywhere I would’ve gone prior to having kids.

Oh yeh I took them places but it was pretty boring / lonely going places on your own all the time i imagine most 19 year olds feel the same! How many 19 year olds want to spend the day in soft play or museum not many I imagine, Even now I find going to these places boring but do it for the kids

That depends on your personality and what you like doing I guess - I enjoy doing those things without kids (except soft play, that would be weird haha) so it’s not much different doing it with kids.

Yes I agree my friends wouldn’t have went to museums etc even now mine are older but I go to everywhere alone and they all go to fancy restaurant/ bars etc not the kind of place you take kids to so again I spend all my time alone and often never invited anywhere

@ForestFae to some degree it is. You miss out on a lot of things and your friends will have no responsibility whilst you have a newborn. I could not have done it at 19. The finicial impact is huge too as your likely not secure but OP would all of a sudden have a baby to provide for.

Who do you think has more money though, @Hollipolly - a 18 year old with a child (and subsidied childcare) or an 18 your old paying rent in a city away from home? I'm sorry but this just does you have no idea what your talking my about.

I'm just confused why you'd think the financial impact is huge. Even living alone, you get financial help. If your at home, you have pretty much no outgoings.

Of course it varies- but the child is not the reason some people are in poverty. Those people not going clubbing after a baby or saving lots of money wouldn't even doing that regardless! And I know this as someone who actually lived that, and knows many other women who were, or still are young mothers.

I guess what I mean for me is my social life was definitely over, I would be invited to the park etc but they would spend their time sat down on a blanket drinking whilst I was the frazzled one running after a toddler, I couldn’t just sit down and enjoy myself like them so started to feel a bit resentful (though obviously not their fault) I couldn’t afford the holidays they went on and even if I could I would be stuck at the hotel most likely whilst they went out clubbing! Wouldn’t have been much fun. So I think it mainly depends on your support as other wise your social life can really struggle and I missed on my 20s and look back and regret it

Students with children (especially on low incomes) get the highest maintenance loan, parent grants, childcare grant, every university grant going, and are also entitled to universal credit without having to look for a job.

It’s such a personal decision.But I would say that unless you really want to, don’t have a baby now. You are very young, and while children can be a huge joy, early single motherhood, with limited resources, usually limits your chances for life. Go and live a little, figure yourself out, get some earning capacity and a decent partner, you have lots of time and you can have children later on when you are more set up for it.

I think your opinion is bang out of line. You have assumed OPS mum has a house big enough for her and her potential baby and even if that's the case most people have to move out at some point. Things have changed so I suggest you bring yourself upto speed with today's social housing waiting list. Do you live in social housing yourself? It's not East to get a property!

Your view is short gain though. Those who finish Uni are likely to be in a better position overall because they will have finished their studies.

ALSO for OP to date with a baby even a few years later is going to be hard. You don't have to agree but there's no need to be shouty.

@laddyandthetramp get what help living alone? I left home at 19 and at the time under 25s didn't qualify for Working tax. I had an 8 hour contract and not enough hours. No baby at the time I was skint and gave the job up as I was worse off. I wouldn't envy UC it's hardly anything if you don't work.

@Hollipolly you were talking generally not just about op so I also spoke generally. No need to be defensive, I don't even get why you bothered posting tbh, when you don't have any loved experience.

Btw, I've already addressed a post to op, one that might actually be helpful to her. I advised that parental support is essential and not to underestimate it.