Terrified I'll regret an abortion

[scaredorganicyoghurt]

Hi everyone.

I'll try to keep this concise. I'm 34, and am approximately 8 and a half weeks pregnant. The pregnancy was utterly unplanned, my partner and I are a relatively new relationship, we have been together for 9 months now (7 months when I got pregnant), he is 38. We currently live in different cities (2hours apart) but were beginning to discuss moving in together before this happened. We both are academics. We aren't from the same country, and live in a third country.

I have been using the fertility awareness method for birth control since I went off the pill in my mid-late twenties (only with established serious partners) and it has worked very well for me. After we had sex in March I decided that it was a little close to my fertile period for comfort, so I took the morning after pill. Since my teens I have suffered from ovarian cysts that periodically rupture, and have always assumed I would have trouble conceiving (with my previous partner we weren't avoiding pregnancy, but it never happened). The morning after pill obviously didn't work. I know exactly what weekend I conceived on, but my first ultrasound placed me at being about four days further along than I actually was (meaning I must have ovulated about five days early, about three days after my period ended).

I found out I was pregnant two days after my period was due to begin, and just burst into tears, horrified. The father does not want the pregnancy to continue, but has said he will be supportive if I decide to have it. I know that this is very early into a relationship to consider bringing a child into the equation. My biggest fear about having the baby is that in just over a year I will be unemployed (my contract expires and there is no possibility of prolongation) , and it scares the crap out of me that I might not be able to provide my child with the life I want for it, or even to have enough stability in the beginning. I'm also concerned that if my partner and I break up, what will happen to the baby, it would be so awful, especially as we would in that case likely end up on different continents. His mental health is not great at the moment due to sustained stress at work, I'm quite sure that having a baby would result in him having a nervous breakdown, something he basically as much confirmed. Our relationship was headed in such a good direction, and we had discussed children already, but decided that we would try in a year or so, once we were more confident in our relationship, plus had more stability in terms of jobs.

I'm struggling with this more than anything I've ever struggled with in my life. I wish wish wish this was happening in a years time. I wish I could pause this pregnancy and resume it in a years time. All my life I've known I want to be a mother, and this is the most painful decision I have ever had to make. My biggest fears are as follows:
-What if I can't get pregnant again. I will be 35 this year. If I terminate I will have to be ok with the possibility that I will never have children of my own, which will be exceptionally hard.
-Prior to conception and until I found out I was pregnant, I wasn't taking folic acid, I was drinking and smoking (especially the smoking) heavily, and was having really hot baths (which sounds like a stupid concern, but given how frequent and hot they were, coupled with no folic acid, is scaring me a lot). The minute I found out I completely stopped drinking and smoking and immediately began taking folic acid and other supplements. I had several instances of spotting.
-What if I ruin my career. I wish the world was different, but I know that if I were to apply for jobs now and start one, and immediately went on maternity leave, I would never progress at that company (or if I stayed in academia, that group). If I stay in my current position until contract runs out, I will be unemployed with a newborn very soon. I worked so hard for so many years to get to where I am now, and I selfishly don't want to give that up. Another consideration (that comes across as very superficial I know) is that I have a lot of travel coming up this summer for work, that will involve physical work in a difficult outdoor environment. How will I manage.
-What if my partner and I break up and end up on different continents, how could that even be managed with a child. At least if we had more time together before having a baby, we could be more sure.

I booked in for a termination when I was at 5 weeks. Had the ultrasound and blood tests and took time to think after. I have the photo from the ultrasound, which surprisingly doesn't make me as sad as I thought it would. I'm booked in for a consultation this Wednesday, with an appointment for surgical termination on Thursday. I feel like I've gone crazy, like I've somehow cracked into two parts. Half of the time I am fine with the idea of termination, and can logically see that it's not the right time for a baby, and would try again properly for a "wanted"/planned baby in a year. The other half of the time the idea of a termination fills me with dread and fear and I can do nothing but cry. Neither option is attractive, both are terrible. A baby arriving in November to a mother who will be unemployed and isn't ready and a father who didn't want it yet, or a termination that could very likely end up with me having a complete breakdown.

I have no idea what to do, and need to decide soon. I feel like either way my life is ruined. Does anyone have any stories of being so completely undecided about a termination, having the termination, and ending up being ok after emotionally? I've looked forward to being pregnant my whole life and feel like I've ruined motherhood for myself. I have had no happiness in this pregnancy and feel like I won't be able to for a future pregnancy. This feels like the most perverse thing I have ever thought, and I'm so ashamed, but I've wished many times for a miscarriage so this decision would be out of my hands. I love my tiny baby but need to now decide if I love it enough to ask it to come back to me in a years time when I'm ready to be its mother, and can give it the life it deserves, or to have it now.

If anyone has any advice whatsoever, or a kind word, I would really appreciate it. I am broken.

P.S. this ended up not being concise at all, I'm so sorry. Thank you if you've read this far.

Such a hard choice ! I was going to say have the baby as you sound very attached to it all ready . But reading everything I understand the problems you face. If you were younger it would be different. But at your age I’d keep it. I had an abortion aged 34 and it’s completely ruined my life. But I was very unsure of my decision and panicked and did it anyway. And obviously my circumstances were a lot different to yours.
Sorry I can’t be much help hopefully someone else will be along soon with some better advice x

At your age & the fact that you didn't get pregnant previously, personally I would not have a termination unless you're prepared to never have children.

I would stay living separately and basically aproch it as a single parent, keep seeing each other if you want to, but not rush into one of you moving and progressing the relationship too fast.

im sorry you can't put it on hold until next year! If only we could do things like that.

in your situation, my biggest regret would not be having any children & I wouldn't waste the opportunity /risk not getting pregnant when the timing was better.

I didn't have a termination, but I made choices that have led to me being childless and st 52, have to accept the ship sailed despite wanting kids very much!

Firstly I would say if you don’t want to have an abortion then it’s ok not to have one - despite all the reasons the world might give.
It is unfair of your partner to put his mental health challenges on you re the mental breakdown. People have babies all the time - some 'planned' some not. Babies do not have to be expensive. So very kindly and gently I don’t see why that would cause him a breakdown- he can leave his job and get another one. That’s a seperate issue from the baby.
Life very often can go in a way we do not expect.
If you want I can put you in contact with organizations who help pregnant women who need support/clothes/equipment for their baby. Send me a private message if you are interested.
All that you are saying here points to you wanting to keep your baby and it’s perfectly ok to do so.
i was pregnant almost immediately after getting married. It was something we agreed to. But I also was in shock. And had similar thoughts. We didn’t have much money. But babies don’t have to be expensive. Now he is 17. I don’t think society helps women - we are told our life must be perfect and sorted - job, partner, money, career etc to have a baby. But it’s not necessarily the case. Sending you in mumsnetty hugs.

I had my first DC when I was in a disasterous relationship so became a single mother. I lost my job when I went into hospital to give birth (not in the UK so no protection and no maternity leave). Lots of people thought I should have a termination but I couldn't face it and realised that I did want my baby regardless of who the father was and my poor financial circumstances.

My DC is the best thing that ever happened to me and I would do the same again in a heartbeat. It was hard and I made huge sacrifices in terms of my career etc but I found another job, and another partner in time.

Your problems may seem huge just now but there are plenty of people that have discovered they are pregnant when they are not in a perfect relationship or position in life. If you are in any doubt, then I would keep it. They say that most regrets in life are about what you didn't do, not what you did and I try to live by that and try to look at life's challenges as opportunities.

I'm sorry you're in such a hard place and understandably feeling so conflicted. Do you have any family or friends who might give you any helpful perspective?

The main thing i think you are saying is that you want to be a mother at some point and you may not get another chance .
There will be options to come in whatever path your career takes you and if you want to be in a relationship if its not this man there will be others.
Life is sometimes complicated but you will find a way to fit around a baby, if i had the slightest doubt i wouldn't abort.

People will come on here and talk about unplanned pregnancies, and how they have a wonderful child as a result.
That always happens.
That maybe you, it may not. It's a very difficult decision, but it does sound as if there are many negatives to continuing. However, if you do continue, just think about a difficult pregnancy and birth, and problems with the baby - could you manage all that?
There are so many variables, but just try to think of both options and where you would be a year from now.
Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

I was ready to say a termination seems like the best option until you said you love your baby, if you love your baby don’t abort.

I love my tiny baby but need to now decide if I love it enough to ask it to come back to me in a years time when I'm ready to be its mother, and can give it the life it deserves, or to have it now.

The thing is, you arnt asking it to come back in a year, you are aborting it, it will be gone forever. Any future babies won’t be this one, so if you really love it as you say, I don’t think I would abort. Only you can decide what’s best for you, do you have a secure home or any savings?

Ultimately if you don’t want an abortion you shouldn’t have one, it’s not a temporary hold. But if you do, don’t feel guilty, it’s totally ok to not want this baby.

Thank you for writing back to me. I'm sorry to hear that you regretted an abortion :( I hope you have managed to find some peace since ❤ If it's not being too nosy of me, do you mind if I ask what you mean when you say it ruined your life? I don't know your circumstances but the part about being unsure of your decision and panicking and doing it anyway sounds very much like that could easily be me. I've been psyching myself up to do it, trying to imagine how I will get through every step of the procedure, and it just somehow breaks me to think of it.

Your partner sounds like a manipulative arsehole. He's basically blaming you for a mental breakdown he hasn't had yet in order to force your hand and terminate. Why on earth you would ever want a baby with a prick like this is beyond me.

My friend got pregnant in similar circumstances and had a termination. But it was always clear she would. As soon as she found out she lit a cigarette and called me. And said she was having an abortion, she was at the doctors the next day arranging it. She certainly wasn’t taking folic acid and quitting smoking and drinking.

You sound attached to this pregnancy.

everything happens for a reason OP. I hope you find the right decision for you

I have to be honest and say I live in pain every single day and every single night since I had a termination.
I’m very resilient, but it has changed everything.

I can't say that I can really imagine what it must feel like to be in this position OP (just because I haven't been in it), but I think in your situation I would absolutely keep the baby. The job market will always be insecure, there will always be worries about the future etc, it's just how it is. You still have time during 9 months of pregnancy to work out some of the practicalities, and others tend to also work themselves out with time- you don't have to have everything perfectly planned out in detail. You want to have children in a year's time, and your age suggests this would indeed be wise timing- I can't see how it now being just one year earlier would make such a difference. If you do want children in your life, they are such a blessing and gift- any day I would take a slightly-too-early surprise baby over the risk of trying to optimise timing yet then potentially not conceiving. I would also worry that having an abortion when you do actually want children can be very traumatic, so I would always advise to follow your heart. All the best to you OP

Thank you so much for your message. Yes, the idea of not having children ever scares the beans out of me. That's the biggest problem, what if it doesn't happen again. My bf says that there will be no problem, that in a year or less we start trying and it will happen again. That's a nice idea in theory but of course life doesn't work like that, and certainly nothing in my life has indicated that I would ever have such luck. I have decided to go for the appointment on Wednesday but not to make any decisions, and will only attend for the ultrasound and counselling at this point. I have spent the last four weeks thinking about this but I can't seem to make a decision in either direction.

Do you mind if I ask what choices you made that led you to being childless? I'm sorry that you want children very much, maybe there's another way to mother children, either through fostering or adoption? Love and peace to you xx

I'm only here because this was me.

I was in a very toxic relationship and found out I was 6 weeks pregnant at age 34.

I'm 40 now and me and my husband haven't had any luck with a baby in the 4.5 years we've been together - I think I may be too old.

The amount of happiness I have, every single day, that she came into my life, and the amount of realisation that had she not come along I would now be 40 without children - well to say the least I feel so incredibly fortunate.

I had a rough time of it at first, but left him when she was 6 months, and he tried to get contact but failed. Now I'm happy because I found a decent man.

I wanted to give that story because I think the most responses you will get are 'it's fine to have an abortion, it's your choice and nothing no you will not regret it' but you could regret it if you don't have more children and you can raise a baby alone.

You've got doubts so I've given this perspective. But it's true; if you have an abortion that is okay too.

Yeah it would be entirely different if I had known right from the beginning. I read everywhere that "most women don't regret termination", but I'm pretty sure that those are the women for whom the decision was "easy" (I know know it's not easy for anyone, I suppose I mean rather that the choice was clearer). I arranged the first appointment for the abortion about a week after finding out, but you're right, I was straight off the booze and smokes without question. :(

If he’s telling you this pregnancy will cause him to having a breakdown, but in less than a year it will be fine, I think he’s talking crap OP. He’s just trying to get you to abort with false promises.

I think the fact that your terified to regret it , is your answer. Nothings ever how you plan OP and often never a perfect time for children.
youre in shock. Itll pass
hugs and congrats

Also, PP is right that
you arnt asking it to come back in a year, you are aborting it, it will be gone forever. Any future babies won’t be this one, so if you really love it as you say, I don’t think I would abort .

I think if you terminated now and then say were to conceive a year later, once you'd give birth to that baby you would instantly realise that it is not the same baby and the aborted one can never come back- it might be very hard then to cope with that :(

Thank you for the hugs and sharing your own experience. Luckily (in a superficial way, i.e. for as long as I am working) money is not an issue for me, although if I become unemployed and couldn't get another job, I would have to move back home with my parents.
I know that the thought of him having a breakdown shouldn't influence me so much, but as I feel close to it myself, I don't want him to go through it either. I somehow feel responsible for "ruining his life" (my words entirely not his). I haven't even met his family yet as they are in the US. He would be a really good dad, I just wish that this baby was something I could be excited and happy about. I'm glad it worked out for you and your son and husband :)

Wow, you are one strong woman! I'm sorry that you lost your job, what an absolute turd of a situation, it must have been so stressful, but I'm so glad to hear that your child has made it worth it.

I really like the sentence in your last paragraph, "most regrets in life are things you didn't do". I'll think on that. Thank you for your message xx

I've only talked to my boyfriend and my therapist about this. I'm too afraid and ashamed to talk to any of my friends or my mum. I want desperately to talk to my mum, but I'm afraid that if I tell her I'm considering termination, she will be disappointed in me beyond belief. She knows how much I've always wanted children, and she struggled a lot to have me, and I don't think she would understand how conflicted I feel. That said, you never know how she'd react. Once I've made a decision either way I will tell her, in some form or another. To be honest I've never felt more alone in my life. Writing here this morning actually was quite cathartic, I had my first productive day at work in almost a month. Reading everyone's messages has had me crying, I feel much less alone.

I'm so so sorry :( this is exactly what I'm afraid of. Do you mind if I ask how long it has been? I hope you're able to find some peace. Sending you lots of love xx

I think the fact that your terified to regret it , is your answer. Nothings ever how you plan OP and often never a perfect time for children.
youre in shock. Itll pass
hugs and congrats