Hello I’m new here. Apologies if this is long but really need to get this off my chest. I have nowhere else to turn.
I know this won’t make me very popular and people will hate me, but I ask that you please read and at least try to understand. And please don’t judge me too harshly. I’ve had more than enough of that lately and I honestly can’t take any more…
I recently had a health scare and was admitted to hospital where I found out via blood test that I was pregnant. To say I was in shock is a complete understatement! I had absolutely no idea! No symptoms, no weight gain, still having periods… yes I am completely serious!
I didn’t believe it at first, hence the scan confirming I was actually approx 18w along!!!! I burst into tears.
It’s been a few days. I thought that if I gave myself some time/slept on it, I’d come to terms with it, but the truth is, I haven’t. It fills me with absolute dread and to be honest, I don’t want to go through with it…
I’m in my 30s. My husband and I are happily married; no issues at all. We have four children as it is - and the youngest started reception year of school last September. I finally have my dream career and it took me YEARS to finally get to this point; I had to work so hard and prove myself even more than most, as I suffer from C-PTSD and am on the autism spectrum. It took a lot for me to get where I am. Not only that, but I have had the worst couple of years of my life, and that’s saying something because unfortunately I have not had an easy life at all.
I am no longer involved with my biological parents (they abused me all my life. I was actually trapped with them until I was 21 and managed to get some help to leave). Up until I was in year 9 of secondary school, it was actually my grandparents who really raised me. I absolutely adored them so much, and unfortunately I have now lost them both; last Feb I lost my Grandad, and the same year in June, I lost my Grandma. It’s like losing actual parents. I also lost an Uncle that I was close to, around this time (late March) last year too!
And as if that wasn’t bad enough, I was also pregnant last year (we had been trying), and shortly after losing my Grandma, I lost our baby too. I just fell apart to be honest; four losses in the space of a few months just completely ripped me apart. I’m grieving and heartbroken, and I’ve barely been able to function ever since - emotionally, mentally or physically. I don’t even know how I’m still able to wake up in the mornings sometimes. I wish I didn’t.
Work have been surprisingly understanding and supportive, allowing me to work from home. I know working from home sounds like it’s restful, but it’s not. I am still very very busy, and sometimes I do still need to go into the studio anyway. I work full time hours.
Anyway, I have now found myself pregnant. I’m about 19 weeks now. I still don’t know how this happened as I’ve been so depressed from everything for so long, sex hasn’t exactly been top of my list for the past year! The few times we have done it, have always been protected. And I made it clear I wasn’t ready to try again so I had the implanon put in, back in early November. However, we must have conceived back in late November I believe? Even though I had the contraceptive implant then, and we used condoms. (Husband is definitely not the type to go poking holes in things!). Anyway, of course, he was with me in hospital when I was informed and he is happy. Over the moon, in fact, especially since he asked for the sex of the baby and was told.
But the truth is, that after everything, I just don’t want this baby. I’ve been called every name under the sun from “friends”, and his family are just all under the assumption that this is all going ahead, that I’m having this baby and that’s that!
I have felt nothing but dread, and then guilt, and sadness and grief. I just don’t feel ready for this after everything, AT ALL. I still have not got over losing my last baby, and yes I do see the “irony” here, so please don’t bring it up. It’s still very painful.
Also I was violently sexually assaulted and raped back in January of this year by a total stranger, even though I was completely sober (I’m teetotal anyway), and did everything “right” - tried to fight back, was actually out with my husband and a group of our friends at the time, was fully clothed obviously, and I reported it to police immediately etc.
Hubby has been so incredibly supportive with everything I’ve been through, which just makes me absolutely hate myself even more.
I haven’t stopped crying, I can’t eat properly, I’m severely severely depressed and traumatised, my physical health is bad as it is and as I already mentioned, we already have four children, whom I had awful pregnancies and traumatic births with already. I can’t go through it all again. I just can’t. This past year has been absolute hell for me. I’m already receiving therapy and counselling anyway for everything else. I’m also on antidepressants. I just do not want to go ahead with this, my body physically can’t take it again, and I mentally and emotionally can’t take it again.
I’m not at all religious so please don’t try to use religion on me. I’ve already had that guilt trip and verbal abuse from one now-former “friend” trying to shove it down my throat.
I feel absolutely trapped… hubby obviously wants this baby but I don’t. The guilt is eating me alive but so is everything else. No matter what I do, I don’t think our marriage will survive this? If I terminate, I’m terrified he will leave me and I already suffer abandonment trauma as it is. But if I’m forced to go ahead with this, I will resent him. I’m just not in any fit state mentally or physically to go through another pregnancy, birth and newborn baby phase. I literally can’t do it. I feel so trapped and frightened and guilty, and I’m so alone.
I really don’t want to be here any more…
I don’t know what I’m looking for really. Just to get it off my chest I suppose? Maybe someone who understands?
Just please don’t make me feel worse than I already do. I hate myself more than anything right now as it is.
Thanks for reading.