Medical termination

[Box1806]

hi,

I’m currently around 5/6 weeks pregnant. I’m booked for a medical termination on Saturday.

Bit of background - I have a 22 month old son suspected autistic but amazing and thriving. After having my son and losing my grandad, I developed health anxiety and it’s quite severe. I’d only just started to recognise who I was again when I discovered I was pregnant. Which seemed so cruel because we tried for 5 years for my son and eventually had him via IVF. - emotionally I couldn’t cope with another just now. and I am really worried about another child with care needs. Most of all I’m worried how I’ll cope afterwards, will I regret this? Hate myself? End up depressed? Although I’ve always been pro choice, I never thought I’d have to make this choice and I wish I wanted this pregnancy because I feel like a monster.

Sorry, enough of the Ramplings! I’m just wondering of any others experiences of a medical (I’ll be staying in hospital) or if anyone else I’d going through this and wants to support each other.

If you are going through this I’m sooo sorry. 😔

@Paintingflowers I’ve been the same, flitting between decisions. but I think I’m sure now, it’s a medical. This is not what I Wanted but because of covid it’s my only option.

How many children do you have? I only have the one who’s not quite 2 yet and I know I just couldn’t cope with another right now.

@Box1806 We have two - 4 and 2 years old. Feels like we are only just coming out of the tricky juggling act and really don’t want to start it all over again….

hope you’re both doing ok.

I’m struggling massively with my mental health, my surgical procedure is booked (we’re having to travel 70 miles, stay over and bring our baby with us). I hate that I’m having to be so secretive to everyone around us - I just can’t face telling people.

I also know that I won’t have anymore children after this ordeal, part of me is sad about that as I would love my little boy to have a sibling but I just know I would not cope mentally and that wouldn’t be fair on either of us :(

HVe you been able to take the pills yet @Paintingflowers ? I was offered this option but myself and the nurse decided probably the best option for me would be surgical, as I will have no recollection of what happened.

@Box1806 it sounds like you’ve made your decision, it will be scary but if you’re in hospital you’ll be well looked after and once it’s over you can look to the future - I know it’s hard ans it’s easier said than done. If it’s not the right time for you then that is totally ok, don’t beat yourself up about it. X

@Luckyme30 oh lovely I’m sorry your having a crappy time of it. Mental health is a very real thing and i Too am struggling im sure I’m throwing the only chance I have away of every being pregnant again (im almost 34) I think myself and my partner are also at breaking point and if im honest with myself I haven’t been happy for a long time.

wow 70 miles is quite far away. It’s annoying that you have to travel so far, imagine the poor women that can’t actually travel. It’s all so sad and there’s a real lack of support for women like us, who ate good people just trying to do what’s best. Sometimes what’s best is the most painful things ever. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

@Box1806 @Luckyme30

Just taken the first one….. very emotional but desperately trying to focus on all the reasons why it’s the right decision

@Paintingflowers oh lovely I’m sending you a massive hug. I know how difficult this must have been. I keep trying to tell myself there’s a reason why I’m doing this and it’s because I couldn’t see another way.

Please keep us updated with everything good and bad.

@Paintingflowers hope you’re holding up ok?

Thinking of you 😔

@Box1806
Not managed to take the next ones yet. Can’t bring myself to do it… this is much harder than I’d anticipated

Oh lovely. I don’t know what to say. it’s such an emotionally charged situation. Did you have any side effects from the first tablet? Can you ring the clinic if you feel you need some support from the nurses?

It’s my turn tomorrow and I can feel the pit in my stomach growing. 😔

@Box1806 no side affect from the first one… nearly three hours in after taking the second ones.

So far the build up to doing it has been far worse than actually doing it x

I hope you don't mind me jumping on this post, can I ask how it went for all of you?

I submitted the online form for a consultation with MSI today, I found out on Monday that I was pregnant (6 weeks today) but despite secondary infertility (our daughter is 7), we've realised that it's really not what we want and I don't think it fair to being a baby into the world if you're not 100% invested in it.

So I'm waiting for the consultation, hoping for a medical abortion, full of guilt because it feels like something I shouldn't be doing, even though I don't want to go ahead with the pregnancy 😞

Hi @niddymoo

The process for me was painless, no cramps, just passed blood/clots when going to the loo.

Emotional side of it was worse but as soon as I’d committed it was okay.

Nearly two weeks post now and feeling fine.

Sorry you in this position - here if you want to chat x

Hi @Paintingflowers :)

Glad to hear that you're feeling fine now.

I'm really emotional at the moment, probably the hormones. Last night I found myself swinging wildly between the two sides, mostly because I feel guilty over not giving our DD a sibling. But there would be a 8 year age gap which we never wanted, plus we have a very happy comfortable life at the moment. And ultimately, due to the sky high childcare costs and the cost of living rising so dramatically at the moment, we simply can't afford it.

I think we have made up our minds, I just can't shake the guilt that I wanted (or thought I wanted) something for so long and now I have it, I can't do it. I feel like I can't tell anyone for fear of judgement, as all my friends knew about our fertility struggles.

How long did it take you from initial enquiry to consultation to receiving the tablets?

@niddymoo

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. It’s truly awful and I wish I could give you a positive story but I’m still in your position. I’m 9+6 weeks today. I’ve known since 6 weeks I was pregnant. I’ve been to the clinic 4 times and back out every time for fear of the aftermath and lifetime of guilt and regret.

Similar to you I had IVF for out son (2 next month) and other than it just not being what I want right now I don’t have a “valid” reason. my son is also autistic and a sibling with the same diagnosis petrifies me. But the abortion much like the pregnancy feels so very wrong. Ive never felt so trapped.

Please let me know how today goes with your consultation. I hope it all goes ok as can be.

@Box1806 I'm sorry to hear you're still struggling. I feel an extraordinary amount of guilt for considering termination, but I would also feel extremely guilty for keeping it when we're not in a position to do so. Financially, it would stretch us, probably much beyond our means, I would still need to work FT, and would constantly feel as though I was stretching myself in 2 as we'd have a big age gap.

My overwhelming reason for going through with it is to give DD a sibling, but there'll be an 8 year age gap, and there's obviously no guarantee of sibling compatibility. Our DD has struggled a bit in recent years with some ADHD traits, I feel like we've just got the balance right and I don't want to throw it all off. I feel selfish for saying so, but I don't think I have the capacity to do it all again.

I didn't write it in the best way, I submitted the online form to MSI yesterday, and apaprently someone gets back to you within 48 hours with a date/time for consultation? I'm hoping it doesn't take too long, as if I'm doing it, I want to do it ASAP.

@niddymoo I completely understand your reasoning and actually I think we try to convince ourselves of what is an “acceptable”reason to not go ahead when in actual fact simply not wanting to upset a content life or just not wanting the pregnancy is acceptable to not continue.

I feel the same as you, my life is content now I’m just starting to find myself again and make plans and have some sort of relationship back with my partner. I don’t think we can survive another baby. We don’t get family help so support wouldn’t be there and it’s not something I want to rely. financially we are lucky but we are passing ships, my partner supports my decision either way but he too thinks it’s a better option to terminate.

I hope they don’t keep you waiting long! I Think from consultation it isn’t long at all, and the process starts from your first appointment. they’ll scan you and then offer you the first tablet on the day and the others you take home with you.

Sorry for the ramble!

@Box1806 that is so very true. I'm trying to justify my decision but I also don't think I should have to. We're so happy right now, and even though I've had a lot of sadness over the last 4 years re the secondary infertility, I don't think that means I should have to go through with having another baby now that we've realised it won't work for us.

We relied heavily on my mum for childcare with our daughter, but she'll be 76 this year, and although she would love it, I don't think she'd be able to help us out in the same way without it effecting her physically and mentally. Financially we would have to push ourselves, we'd need to save around £7k just to match what I'd lose in mat pay, we just can't do it. And I also don't want to take away from DD, we've got a lot of adventures planned with her that we'd have to sacrifice for another one.

I'm hoping to be able to do it all by phone, I'm only 6 weeks at the moment so hoping they won't have to scan me. Are you still planning on going ahead with it when you can bring yourself to?

Hi @niddymoo

The emotional bit was by far the worst for me. Within minutes I was changing my mind (mainly due to guilt and fear or the process) but I know ultimately it was best decision for the whole family and I kept that as my main focus.

After taking the first tablet I also then freaked out massively and don’t feel I could do the next stage. But got there eventually. Felt peace and relief afterwards!

I called rather than submitting a form (as I don’t trust things like that!). It was a week from calling to the telephone appointment, I said I was certain it was what I wanted (even though I was flipping between the two as I knew ultimately I didn’t need to take them) and they arrived two days later in the post.

No need for a scan as I knew the dates… but this was BPAS. X

I called BPAS yesterday and couldn't get through to anyone, just a message saying that due to high call volumes, there was no-one to answer. So I submitted the form via their website, and didn't get any confirmation or anything.

That's why I tried MSI instead, I did the form and got email confirmation straight away. Apparently I should hear back within 48hrs with a consultation appt. I'm frantically chekcing my emails every 2 mins! The longer I have to wait, the worse the worrying gets; now that we've made a decision, I just want to get it done, even though I know it's going to be hard

I didn’t get a confirmation via their website either when I tried the form… hence the phone call a week later!

Great that MSI have responded. The wait is awful and I felt really unwell too so that didn’t help!

@niddymoo you really shouldn’t have to justify anything to anyone, having a child is life changing and challenging and if you aren’t invested it’s not fair on anyone. Now I wish I could only get myself to feel like this. 😭 I haven’t even contacted the clinic again. I’m too scared to, I’ve kinda given myself a deadline of tomorrow and if I still can’t do it, I’m continuing with the pregnancy.

I think also now the morning sickness has started to wane I’m finding that it’s easier to just pretend it’s not happening. I have no idea what I think. heart and head are now blank.

i think like @Paintingflowers has said if you know your dates and you don’t need a scan it’ll be ever quicker. I’ll keep everything crossed 🤞🏽

@Box1806 it's just the most awful situation to be in, isn't it? Hope you manage to come to a decision and find some peace with whatever you choose.

It's the most odd feeling - I've waited 4 years to have symptoms of pregnancy again (I'm tired, sore boobs, blocked nose, luckily no sickness - all the same as with my DD) and now all I'm doing is wishing it was all not happening. I can't believe how much I thought I wanted it when I couldn't have it, and the reality is so different. I think we're both still a bit shocked that it even happened. Nothing, not even a hint of a late period since Sept 2017, we were discharged from a fertility consultant in Jan this year after being told we had no chance of natural conception, and now here we are

@niddymoo did the clinic contact you today?

i know what you mean about wanting a baby for so long and the idea not been the reality I think maybe make your peace with just having the one and when you least expect it, it happen.

I’m not sure what I’ll do. I have no idea which way to play this. Practically, my relationship won’t survive another child. I’m suffering with PNA and I’d just started my therapy. In hopes of getting better, this baby will effect my mental health (it already has) but my heart just won’t let me go through with it, mostly for fear of regret. if I knew I’d be ok afterwards I think I could get through it.

No, not yet. The email said within 48 hours; which takes me to tomorrow afternoon. Fingers crossed I hear tomorrow or Monday.

It's just crazy that it's happened now. And I hate that this had to happen for us to realise it was actually too late for us 😞

Even though me and DH are in a very good place, this would definitely put a strain on us. When I look at it with my heart, I value what we have together and the relationship we have together as a family more than this baby. And that sounds horrible, but I can't risk upsetting my life when it's happy at the moment.

If you went ahead with the termination now, do you think you could go back and try again once you're in a better place? Or is it a now or never situation?

Sorry to jump on, I just wanted to say @niddymoo I filled in the form with MSI twice and never heard back, but I phoned and got through quite easily on my 3rd attempt in a day. Their lines open till 11pm I think so I recommend phoning them. This was a couple of weeks ago that I filled it in so hopefully they’ve got better. It was the same with BPAS, they never answered the phone and never replied to my online form either.